The Unicyclist's Favorite Balloon Animal (720 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.01 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Unban S.I. Co. Semen (View user info) at 2007-07-19 10:48:59 EDT
Ben soaped up his genitalia while letting the tepid water hit him in the back. He had a massaging shower head. It was cascading water all around him but the way in which he stood his back was hovered over his penis mocking an umbrella and now that he had enough soap on it, he started masturbating.
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Shawna soaped up her genitalia while letting the tepid water hit her in the chest. She cleaned the soap of with her massaging shower head being careful to not let any soap stay around. The closer she brought her shower head to her vagina, the better it felt. This began her masturbation.
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Ben could juggle balls, bowling pins, knives, flaming torches, fuck it, Ben could juggle just about any inanimate object you could throw at him. And, he did it well. He couldn't juggle personal finance, women, tasks, or responsibility. He could do all this while riding on his money maker, yes his ass, but more importantly his unicycle.
Ben picked up unicycling from his uncle, Pete, when he was just a small tyke and hasn't given up since. Ben would ride to and from school, in between classes, during lunch, and whenever he had the spare time. The other kids made fun of him at first but after a while it just became an instance of "that damn Ben and his unicycle," once the novelty wore off. He did have a part in the original production his colleagues made for their class play. Ben was a riot.
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Shawna was scratching at the door fervently, trying desperately to figure a way out of the room in which she was trapped. Her fingernails were lifted, blood seeping around the splinters of wood sticking out but she didn't stop pounding, scratching, and even now she was biting at the door. Once, she bit at the door and the man opened it as she was doing so. Her lip was caught between the door itself and the jamb, pitching a split into it. He didn't seem to care. She didn't yelp.
The food was in front of her, a conglomerate of what looked like gruel and chitlins. It wasn't something Shawna would eat in the outside world but right now it looked overly appetizing especially with having a 3 day reprieve from food. She was allowed all the water she wanted and fortunately for her she had been drinking.
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"How's the precious birthday girl doing today?"
...
"I said, I said, I sa--how's the precious birthday girl doing today?"
He grabbed her by the hair and smashed her face into his spandex unicycle suit near the crotch region.
"I can't hear you."
"I'm doing great, just real fine."
"Good, do you know what else today is, besides your birthday?"
...
"I asked you a question."
"No, I don't."
"Well today is the first time I looked at you."
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Ben had a party today and he put on his face paint, sometimes it was required that he'd dress like a clown if it was a kids show and even sometimes businesses wanted him for company relief at a big meeting or after a hard quarter. Today was one of those days. Red make-up was sponged in high arches over his eyebrows and matching marks at the corners of his cheek.
Even when he was frowning only another clown would be able to tell that he wasn't smiling. Ben rarely smiled during his performances any more. It was all business, a way to make ends meet so that he could eventually accomplish his goal. He wanted a way out, the lottery hadn't payed out for him yet, he was too much of a pussy to take himself out, was waiting on the big act circus to call him, anything, anything at all but instead was remiss to be caught in a groove.
His day was hum drum, just another kids party where he would be watched in amazement as he balanced back and forth on his unicycle juggling whatever. He wished he would find another lady at one of these events just as he did fourteen years ago. His wife had been dead for thirteen years now and he could never forgive the person who did it to her.
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"I'm not hungry."
"You will eat and you will eat and you will eat for your last time!"
=======
Ben drove a fist straight through Shawna's frail skull. Bone shards splintered through her small nose piercing both her and his skin. Blood sprung out of every pore of her face it seemed, dripping through the sides of her curly hair, down to her frilly dress that was once white, but now a sweat soaked yellow.
The room, smelling like feces from the day old piles was now fetid with a fresh release; urine, too. Shawna lost control of her bowels and incontinence had always been an issue. Through a newly toothless face, Shawna muttered her last words.
"I didn't mean to kill mommy, daddy.:
User Reviews
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-20 03:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was pretty cool
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-19 17:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nose below.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-19 17:04:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If Oathmeal likes this, it must be a piece of shit.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-07-19 16:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
While I'm at it, I thought I'd add a couple of extras onto my list;
c) no alters d) no calling anybody out e) no lovelylady bollocks.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-07-19 16:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ehm. Meh. Yeh?
I'd be interested in seeing you do something that didn't involve a) genitalia or b) violence. You think you can do it?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-19 15:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
spermfiend, now thats fucking funny
and im not being sarcastic, I mean it, thats funny.
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-19 15:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Calm down, spermfiend. You and 'storm' here can hold hands and make out all you want and I promise not to make fun.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-19 15:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-19 15:31:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...more like FAGGOTVILLE.
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Wow, I don think I've ever heard a response thats so original. It must be so hard to come up with NEW and FUNNY ways to insult someones town. Good show.
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-19 15:31:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...more like FAGGOTVILLE.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-19 15:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, I think im just in a bad mood today man, my bad
Im in Stroudsburg, well more like Tannersville.
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-19 15:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Would it help if I were to spell it out for you?
Shawna is Ben's daughter. The cause of his wifes death was because of the birthing. It's that inferring part that really gets most everyone here. Better luck next time.
Perhaps it is just a perspective to me because I'm the author but I'm assuming that some of the people that liked this were able to pick up on that. Right, let's not forget that I didn't write a novel or anything, but I did think I put enough contextual clues in there with the birthday, "first time I saw you," years since death, etc.
Anyway, where in the LV are you at?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-19 15:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In all honesty I've read this three times, and the story just isnt there.
that happens sometimes here at Uber, people substitute a storyline for good descriptions of violence.
usually I can get into it, but today im just not in the mood.
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-19 14:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-19 14:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Gratuitous violence with no real story. Sorry man.
Descriptive as hell though.
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If you read between the lines you'd see one hell of a story, except I'm not talking about the line breaks ------------------, ----------------------....I'm talking about contextually.
Don't be sorry, I understand that there are people just as moronic as oathmeal out there. He should be glad that he's not alone.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-19 14:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Gratuitous violence with no real story. Sorry man.
Descriptive as hell though.
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-19 14:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lie below.
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-19 14:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTENTION:
PSA: OATH IS OFFICIALLY 0-5 IN CHESS WHEN PLAYING AGAINST ME.
Submitted by BananaPhone (user info) at 2007-07-19 12:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Anybody hear about the "Pink Man", some wingnut in a pink spandex suit that rides around on unicycle?
No?
Anyway, apparently he molests children.
It just seemed appropriate to throw in here.
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-19 12:08:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Listen here, Alastair, I need a vinyl sportscoat before I can do barrel roll. I could however do a El Rollo.
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Christ would you shut the fuck up already and do a barrel roll?
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yet more proof that clowns are evil...
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But he's more unicyclist than clown....
....yah, you're right.
--------------------------------
The unicyclist thing is just to throw you off... Like when pennywise tries to offer you ballons...
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But when Ben isn't masturbating, killing or clowning, he's a unicyclist...which given the author (me) I'm going to say that it counts for 70% of his 'work.' That being said, is this just part of the grand cover up, or is he indeed a true unicyclist?
Oh, I'll tell you...he's been unicycling since he was young...therefore, the clown is just a lower aspect. Thanks, I'll take my +13 now.
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+13 Asked for, +13 given... thank you for clearing up the mystery of the murderous, masterbating, unicycle clown... he never would have gotten away with it if it wasnt for you meddling kids...
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yet more proof that clowns are evil...
-----
But he's more unicyclist than clown....
....yah, you're right.
--------------------------------
The unicyclist thing is just to throw you off... Like when pennywise tries to offer you ballons...
-------------
But when Ben isn't masturbating, killing or clowning, he's a unicyclist...which given the author (me) I'm going to say that it counts for 70% of his 'work.' That being said, is this just part of the grand cover up, or is he indeed a true unicyclist?
Oh, I'll tell you...he's been unicycling since he was young...therefore, the clown is just a lower aspect. Thanks, I'll take my +13 now.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yet more proof that clowns are evil...
-----
But he's more unicyclist than clown....
....yah, you're right.
--------------------------------
The unicyclist thing is just to throw you off... Like when pennywise tries to offer you ballons...
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yet more proof that clowns are evil...
-----
But he's more unicyclist than clown....
....yah, you're right.
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yet more proof that clowns are evil...
Submitted by lover101 (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow! Really nice stuff. I liked the breaks.
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Skrap, you are a fucking retard. Raebuf is oathmeal, Lungfish is lungfish, I don't know who SunnyG is but you are a fucking idiot if you think that any of those are alters. Way to go, you are the new JGreening.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Alterfest below.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
simply disturbing.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-19 11:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Genitalia flopping everywhere, it seems.
I'll read it later. Gotta go.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-19 10:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the first line. There are genitalia just everywhere in your life, huh?
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-19 10:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, I'm glad you read it....have you batched off in your sock enough to make it stick out yet?
Submitted by raebuf (user info) at 2007-07-19 10:51:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are remarkably gay and this post is a fucking disgrace to all things entertaining and worthwhile.