Workin' at the Porn Shop (34398 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsLabels: bored_at_work
Rating: 1.93 on 69 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ejaculatin’ for Jesus (View user info) at 2007-07-21 14:17:36 EDT
Back when I was 18, I worked a number of jobs. The most memorable had to be my two month stint in the adult film industry. Well, it wasn't like it sounds, basically, I was a jizz mopper at an adult video store. My job consisted of manning the cash register and cleaning up the "preview booths" aka spank boxes after each customer was finished "previewing the film". There's a line in the movie Clerks, something like "cum can streak if it's not cleaned properly." So true, so fuckin' true.
But, for an 18 year old, the job did offer some benefits. The shift was 6pm to 3am, which were the hours I was active anyway. It was easy enough to shift my drinking time back a few hours. But most importantly, this job allowed me to meet interesting people.
You do have to keep in mind that this was 1997. Back in those days you couldn't just jump on the internet and find all the midget-dolphin porn your heart desired. (By the way, Darla Does SeaWorld, four stars.) Nope, there were only 5 websites back then and the closest thing to porn you could download were schematics of Mir docking procedures. Well, that's probably an exaggeration, but the point is, in 1997, most people still had to acquire their porn in person.
For the most part, on the 6-3 shift, the types were pretty much what you'd expect. Quiet, mousey guys somewhere in their mid-20's to late 30's. They'd come in, head over to their preferred section, get want they want, pay and leave. All I had to do was make sure they didn't steal anything and let them into a spank box if they wanted. (Interesting aside, the busiest time period at the shop was from 11:00am-1:00pm. Execu-types on their lunch hours. Guess they wanted to get that wank in right after work.)
I'd been working at the shop for just over a month before anything really interesting occurred. Then, after an uneventful evening, just a bit before midnight, a fairly attractive young woman came in. This was a bit surprising because since I'd worked there I hadn't seen anything I'd recognized as even remotely female. After wandering around a bit, she made her way over to the strap-ons. After a few minutes of perusing the detachable penii, she really did look confused and I, being the helpful customer service representative went over to help. After all, they make movies about this sort of thing.
"Excuse me, can I help you find anything?"
"Um. I don't know. I really don't know. I don't really do this. Um..."
Oh shit, I really hope she's not one of the crazys who wonder in off their meds.
"Well, is this any good?" she asks as she holds up a "El Martillo Del Diablo" (aka "The Devil's Cock" This little beauty had pure capsaicin worked into the rubber. It supposedly burnt like hell. Doesn't sound like a lot of fun to me, but whatever floats your boat.)
"I'm really not sure you'd want that. It's supposed to..."
"It's not for me. It's for my husband. He wants me to mount him. In the ass."
"Well, studies have shown that the ass is the optimal location for mounting a man."
...
"Anyway, as I was saying, it's supposed to be for "beginners", so it sounds perfect for your husband." (I'm a dick.)
She turned out to be a pretty easy sell, probably because she just wanted to get the hell out of there. As she was leaving with her newly purchased device of anal annihilation, she was passed by a guy on his way in.
This guy was fairly typical, but he was a bit more nervous than most. He kept his arms crossed tightly in front of him and was trying real hard to look casual. Since part of my job was to make sure nobody stole anything, I thought I should keep an eye on him. No sooner had I glanced at our CCTV monitor than I heard him break into a dead sprint toward the door.
The way the store was laid out, there was about a twenty yard aisle making pretty much a straight shot, from the back of the store to the door. Trust me, fifteen yards was quite enough distance for this guy to get up to top speed.
I have to assume that sometime between entering the shop and deciding to make his mad dash, this guy forgot that the door to the shop opened inward.
WHAM! This man's entire forward momentum, which was significant, was redirected by the door frame and slammed him to the ground. He was out. I guess he must have hit the back of his head on the carpet-covered concrete floor. As per procedure, I called police/ambulance and waited. I would watch him and see if he kept breathing, but I had no interest in touching him.
The responding officer informed me that he found some of the shop's "product" on the guy and that he had been attempting to shoplift.
What could be so embarrassing? What could be so bad that paying for it would be more embarrassing than getting knocked unconscious in a porn shop and getting caught for attempting misdemeanor theft?
The answer: 2 strings of anal beads. But no lube. I don't know. Anal beads with no lube just seems impolite to me.
Oh well, in the end I'd wager that guy did get some anal play that night, just not the kind he'd had in mind.
User Reviews
Submitted by loan_officer (user info) at 2008-03-30 13:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-03-11 16:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
anal beads are not to be used if you haven't recently take a shit. TRUST ME ON THIS.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-03-11 16:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-12-09 13:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2007-12-09 13:05:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The answer: 2 strings of anal beads. But no lube. I don't know. Anal beads with no lube just seems impolite to me.
---
It's like starting a lawnmower...
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2007-11-20 09:43:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-11-05 18:27:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
more love for st. jimmy
Submitted by dronebee (user info) at 2007-10-12 16:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-09-08 11:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-09-08 10:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well, studies have shown that the ass is the optimal location for mounting a man."
Great freaking line.
GOod tale. Full of whole-hearted humor and such.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-08-23 18:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
@what the fuck?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-08-23 17:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woah..a B.at.W...nice one.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-08-23 14:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sterling96 (user info) at 2007-08-23 14:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-23 14:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-08-22 18:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W! Sweeeeet.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-08-17 08:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never had a job that provided such a great view of the best humanity has to offer. Gotta love it. Congrats on B@W!
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-08-16 20:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy crap! B@W?! Sweet!
Thanks Bart!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-08-16 19:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Anticlimactic.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-08-16 09:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
made me smile...idk about b@w worthy.
but congrats.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2007-08-16 09:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
anal annihilation
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-07-27 13:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-07-26 11:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-07-25 13:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-07-25 11:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Studies have shown..."
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-25 10:50:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-25 04:59:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's the use of having this linked at the top of the page with no explanation!!
Shame on whoever did it!!
This post deserved a mention not just a link!
Yes I do love exclamation marks.
!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2007-07-25 00:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-07-25 00:48:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Workin' at the Porn Shop (888 hits)
heh
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-25 00:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W.
I'm not kidding. I'll hunger strike, and from the looks of things, I can wait a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time, bart.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-07-24 22:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-23 17:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-07-23 17:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-07-21 12:08:39 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
porn shop=auto +2
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2007-07-23 15:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-07-23 13:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2007-07-23 11:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good enough to break radio silence
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-07-23 10:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-07-23 10:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-23 09:34:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2007-07-22 13:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Anal beads with no lube just seems impolite to me."
That was the clincher.
*&^%$#@!*&^%$#@!*&^%$#@!
I'm sure it was......
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-07-23 08:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I applied to a porn shop once. The only available hours didn't line up with my time off at my other job so I didn't take the position. Looking back I really wish I could have. The place was kind of a mindfuck, though. There was a pretty hot chick that worked behind the counter sometimes. She was the owner's daughter. It just doesn't seem optimal to make guys buy porn from a hot chick.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-07-23 06:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Old school.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-07-23 04:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-07-22 23:17:08 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Car wash song stuck in head now.
========
Dude, I was totally singing, "Working at the porn shop yeah!" right before I read that. That makes me think you're a good person.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-23 04:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2007-07-21 15:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm... this story seems awfully familiar.
------------------
so, did the devil's cock burn?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-07-23 02:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Car wash song stuck in head now.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2007-07-23 01:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-21 15:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I, being the helpful customer service representative went over to help. After all, they make movies about this sort of thing.
hahahaha, nice post man.
<><><><>
Oh, and I vote that you keep your user name as is.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-22 21:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Years ago when I worked in a video store, I loved to see the people who would come in and rent porn.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-07-22 14:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to agree with Donovan, this reeks of uber in the good old days.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2007-07-22 13:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Anal beads with no lube just seems impolite to me."
That was the clincher.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-07-22 12:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-22 09:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Exactly what Uber needs, less fucking poetry.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-07-22 04:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you have single handedly saved uber.
congrats.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-07-22 02:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-07-22 01:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-07-22 01:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-07-22 00:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mighta been the kind he had in mind... some people are freaks you know
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2007-07-21 19:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic Uber, short, funny, excellent.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-07-21 19:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damned fine post, sir, damned fine.
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-21 18:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2007-07-21 18:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-21 16:16:38 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's pretty funny. Is that the porn shop just outside of Xenia, Ohio? Is so, I might have bought a pack of cards (all Asian) from you.
--------------------------------------------
I've think I've seen that shop before too, near toledo though, I'm not in Xenia much...
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:16:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's pretty funny. Is that the porn shop just outside of Xenia, Ohio? Is so, I might have bought a pack of cards (all Asian) from you.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's pretty great. My step-dad installed something at a gas station he worked at (in his early 20s, he's always been into electronics) so that the automatic doors wouldn't open if you tried to run out with an item that wasn't scanned. Obviously, he has a similar story, but with less anal beads.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-21 16:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very good
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-07-21 15:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
good stuff....
anal bead, i mean. anal bead are good stuff.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-21 15:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I, being the helpful customer service representative went over to help. After all, they make movies about this sort of thing.
hahahaha, nice post man.
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2007-07-21 15:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm... this story seems awfully familiar.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-07-21 15:08:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
porn shop=auto +2
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2007-07-21 15:06:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-21 15:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-07-21 14:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment