TRUE STORY episode two: Fun With Willie (long) (1289 hits)
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Submitted by coley (View user info) at 2007-07-21 16:43:08 EDT
This is a terrible, horrible story that begins with ubersite and ends with me wishing death upon myself. In retrospect, there are probably dozens of stories that could be similarly described. Here, I lay responsibility for one night in July's fateful twists upon the shoulders of you, the internet community.
It all began awhile ago. I am far too lazy and busy making easy-mac to actually look up the date, but it was part of UberMadness. Three? two? I don't even know. Regardless, the point was that I somehow got the stupid idea to sign up for a writing competition (when you all know I can't write for shit). Fast forward ahead to whatever round I was in when I was handed the title "Night Train".
Instantly, one thing came to mind: Guns N Roses. However, I knew that everyone loved Axl and it wouldn't be fair to simply post the lyrics to that musical masterpiece; for I would be a shoo-in for the final round. So, naturally, I used my creative skills to do something nobody has ever done before: I googled "Night Train".
I'm pretty sure I found some crappy pictures, and maybe some funny ones, but somehow I ended up at
www.bumwine.com
And that's where the real trouble began.
It seems that Night Train is a type of (literally) bottom-shelf liquor that packs something like a 17.5% punch. That's a bit more than your Bud Light, kiddos. I wrote a story about a bum drinking that shit, and some kind of a lame ending..eventually was out of UM and forgot about Night Train. Or so I thought.
Goddamn this story is getting too long already.
Stick around for the limo and strippers.
A good friend of mine and I (we'll call her Cindy) started a tradition a few months back of "Mad Dog Monday". We had once bonded over the shared experience of creepy older dudes with mullets and TransAms (or Camaros; whichever) buying us girls and our friends (whilst in high school) MD 20/20 to get in their pants. Luckily my friends were sluts so I never had to put out. I was having a cookout, and Cindy brought the Mad Dog. No, she did not get in my pants.
We finished the bottle the following Monday, and thus; Mad Dog Mondays were born. Fast forward from April to July and you'll see that we've already consumed all three fantastic flavors of Mad Dog, and after the Boone's Farm; it was only logical that we were about to expand our horizons.
INTERLUDE
There's an old man that lives in my town; a town in the remote hills of redneck rural Oregon. He has died already, gotten a heart transplant, and now takes good care of his new heart by chainsmoking, drinking like a fish, and living entirely off of the fried food that is available at the local bar which is across the street from his house.
About a month ago, he asked me, "Do you like Willie Nelson?"
I said, "Hell yeah, Willie rules!" or something equally un-memorable.
"Good," he said, "Because Willie is coming to town and I'm buying 10 tickets and taking 9 friends. You want to come?"
I think you all know that my answer was a resounding yes.
Friday, July something, this year. Cindy and I put on our best yeehaw outfits and meet at the redneck bar, with the rest of our crew. I've got my hair in braids and my cheap new cowboy hat on; there's a cream-colored five-seat mini limo parked outside, and all is right with the world. We take our double shots of Captain Morgan and chase it with a shared bottle of Bud Light (because we're classy like that) and pile into the car o' death.
And that's when I break out my secret weapon: A bottle of Night Train.
Moans and groans are heard from my fellow passengers as I threaten them that if I must suffer the NT, they shall suffer with me. I uncap the bottle and take the first swig of what tastes like rancid Robitussin. And I pass it to the right.
Many moments later, I realize the boys are not helping, and it is simply myself, Cindy, and our friend Sherri who have finished this cursed bottle. And it's going to be a long day, man, because I forgot to eat dinner.
We pull over momentarily so the driver can bust out a pocket knife for some redecorating. You see, this limo wasn't even rented...it was owned by some friend of a friend or some shit; so when the driver's section ceiling upholstery started detaching and hanging in the rearview; a jackknife fixed the problem. Classy.
Drive on to Willie Nelson, stream in with a blanket and oft-repeated choruses of "On The Road Again" and "Beer For My Horses", and most of the evening is a yeehaw-blur.
I am told that Willie Nelson did, in fact, perform. I will have to take other people's word for it, because Oregon IPAs pack a punch.
The show is over, and we all pile into the ghetto limo to head to..where else, but a strip club? A SpringTUCKY strip club. We must have been drinking; for this was a terrible idea.
We make it about twenty feet and the limo dies. I'm still not sure what happened, but I do know our good friend with the giant truck let us all pile into his backseat, and we headed east to the dancing girls.
One stripper-kick in the head (not me, Sherri), two lap dances, and three rounds of Jager later, it was closing time. We poured out of the high-class establishment and made our way to the truck, which for some reason we decided we would sit, while our cohorts called us a cab..for nobody was good enough to drive. This is where it gets shameful, for my "friend" decided to drive off with the three of us girls and Mr. Old Man Ticket-Buyer in tow. Drunkenly; and leaving 2 other friends at the strip club. Luckily we yelled at him loud enough that he pulled over before killing us, and we all scattered.
Nothing like walking the streets of the 'Tucket at 3 am in a cowboy hat, looking for a ride home. I love thee, cab driver. Twenty minutes sitting at a bus stop out front of the 7-11, by the Grocery Outlet, avoiding tweakers on retooled bikes and gangsters with "thumping systems" trying to offer us a ride, and finally our cab showed up. Thirty-seven dollars and fifty cents later, I dragged passed-out Cindy out of the cab and walked into my house. I promptly passed out, and, upon waking, spent the next sixteen hours cursing my own existence and wishing death upon myself as an alternative to the horrific, gut-wrenching illness which Night Train had bestowed upon me.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Don't drink anything featured on bumwine.com...especially if ubersite had anything to do with you finding it.
User Reviews
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-12-29 23:12:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you Drake: That was my first thought when saw the pic too.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-09-25 23:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you got some ugly friends....their faces are all fucked up...they didn't watch "the ring", did they?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-07-26 22:10:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
is that a pounder
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-07-26 21:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-26 21:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I learned anything while I was away at school, it's that one bottle of MD 20/20 was the only way to get drunk twice in the same weekend, for a grand total of around $3.50.
=====
wait...yours lasted for TWO nights?
I knew I was doing something wrong...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-26 21:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I learned anything while I was away at school, it's that one bottle of MD 20/20 was the only way to get drunk twice in the same weekend, for a grand total of around $3.50.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-24 08:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-07-23 19:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ohhhhh loki-san..that was sang many a time; believe me.
JonnyX: I'd say "marry me" but I think I'm supposed to get knocked up first. Don't put a move on me til I get this blue eyeshadow JUST right...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-07-23 16:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so you were on the road again?
sorry
I go home now.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-07-23 16:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're my kind of girl (but you knew that already)
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-07-23 16:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My email is spazzed..I can't even get in. :( Gmail hates me.
I live in a very classy doublewide with wood paneling throughout; orange shag carpet in most of the living area and a mustard yellow fridge. HOT!
How did you know Wild Irish Rose was next on the list?
And nooooo...this "old man" isn't dying...though I often wonder how that is possible.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-07-23 14:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please tell me the old man in question isn't one of the ones that you do hospice care for.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-23 10:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So do you live in the double-wide or single trailer variety?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-23 09:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your friends are not attractive at all..... look at thier faces! That's a lot of mammary in that back seat.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-23 08:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On the way to special school, Coley decided to ring the orc police and tell them to go fuck themselves.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-07-23 08:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more Wild Irish Rose.
...and Coley boob.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-23 03:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EMAIL ME BACK PUNK HEAD
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-07-22 17:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like to remain scarce so that my brilliant posts are that much more warmly received, with virgin comments and such. Scourge, your apology negates the meanness..what's the first rule of uber? Don't ever apologize!
And as for whoever said white trash, I'll have you know I have ALL OF MY ORIGINAL, REAL TEETH...in a cup by my bed.
Inion: Just givin you shit. Someday when that box comes through, I hope I don't realize what it is and open it in front of my roommate. He'd love that.
:)
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-07-22 17:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-22 09:43:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thelma and Lousie plus 1.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-07-22 09:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM BEHIND ON SHIPMENTS.
actually really i just say "i'm gonna do it today" and then i forget :(
yours is all boxed up, i just keep forgetting to bring it to work so i can ups it
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-07-22 06:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-07-22 02:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Delightfully white trash....
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-07-22 02:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Delightfully white trash....
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-07-22 02:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi coley.
uber was overtaken by retards while you were scarce.
sorry if i was ever a dick to you.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-07-22 01:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tsk tsk Coleyo magnifico. Leave the super cheap booze and terrible super cheap booze causing mistakes to us young, bright eyed, ruggedly handsome college kids.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-07-21 18:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should get yourself a case of Night Flight.
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-21 18:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This post needs a label somewhere on it that states: Virgins Unite!
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-07-21 18:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"MORAL OF THE STORY:
Don't drink anything featured on bumwine.com"
HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good lookin' out.
Course, you may just want to try and avoid the bottom shelf entirely. My sister has a friend who only drinks this specific, bottom shelf, rot-gut whiskey which only comes in 1/2 gallon plastic bottles. Nasty shit. Nothing really to do with your story.
Oh, and thanks for not geeking off.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah. I know. I've only mentioned it about 40 times.
My jokes suck.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-21 22:48:27 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, in Scotland the WATER is 17.5%!
--------
That's true. I know. I've been there. Did I ever mention that I lived in Kemnay?
----------
Aye. Me (Huntly), you and Mikethescottish (Oldmeldrum) discussed this a while back
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, in Scotland the WATER is 17.5%!
--------
That's true. I know. I've been there. Did I ever mention that I lived in Kemnay?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, in Scotland the WATER is 17.5%!
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know you'd do it again.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlitz?
that's like Blatz...
I refuse to drink anything that has a name that sounds like a noise your body might make after drinking it...
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old Crow
*shudders*
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-07-21 17:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha
it was a CARDBOARD box, even!
yes, i also drank 211 (Steel Reserve) more than once. when you've drank all your money away and are pawning your possessions to buy more booze, you don't have a wide selection of booze you can afford. it's pretty much Night Train and Steel Reserve. maybe some King Cobras or Mickey's grenades...
or Shlitz.... *shudder*
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-07-21 16:59:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You drank Night Train MORE THAN ONCE?
Shame on you.
Willie wouldn't keep his weed in a box. He's classier than that.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-07-21 16:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've gotten drunk off Night Train many a times, young lady.
yeah... terrible shit. you should have invited me. we could have had a limo orgy.
my buddy was invited in Willie's tour bus once and he said when he opened the door, he was hit by a wall of pot smoke. he said Willie keeps a pound or two in a cardboard box everywhere he goes.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-21 16:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No. I just look like Willie Nelson.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-07-21 16:52:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The equally painful Night Train experience:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95338
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-07-21 16:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LF: if you think that's bad, I went out trick-or-treating when I was thirteen dressed as an ewok and the neighbor thought I was a bear. Bitch!
Oh wait. Not comparable.
Were you smoking a joint?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-21 16:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I took the kid out on Halloween and got asked by some lady if I was supposed to be Willie Nelson. I didn't have a costume. Stupid bitch.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-07-21 16:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It WAS a punch..in my gut.
Did I mention that, when we scattered, the old man ended up attempting to walk to 17.5 miles home and was found at 5:30 in the morning sleeping in the ditch by the old church?
Awesome.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-21 16:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
17.5% is not a "punch."
Gonna finish it now.