John Bonham & Suggs: A Hitchers Tale of Love and Happiness. (1123 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.54 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (View user info) at 2007-07-25 05:33:28 EDT
He stopped and lowered his arm to the knob. The door was shining with brilliance, silvery and welcoming. The knob was of perfectly polished gold, and comfortably warm. Beckoning for him to do so, he turned the knob, breathed deeply, and pulled. The result was rather disappointing. Inside the room the concrete floor was cracked and stained, the dilapidated plain columns extending upward beyond reach. The room was eerily filled with a dull fog. He twisted back. The door which was so beautiful on the other side was but rotting wood on this side, a feeling flowing from it that made him want to turn away. And he did. He was always one step behind. Bowie didn't care, he wanted out. He danced merrily onto his lawnmower, put his headless teddy bear on his lap and left me all alone on the tropical island called 'The Guild of Calamitous Intent'.
The Guild of Calamitous Intent was a weird place, Kangaroos roamed the land teaching reptiles how to box, the reptiles dressed as apes to fool the locals into buying clams as headphones. The snakes were the worst of the reptilians, eating grass and videoing lobsters masturbating turtles. The turtles hated it, trundling cautiously to work every day looking out for the sexual predators that hid in the local rubbish bins, hissing at their every move.
Being all alone on this fearsome island was worrying but fortune was smiling upon me. I wandered into 'Houses of the Holy' where John Bonham was sat drinking a glass of pimms and lemonade. Aww John was a right laugh; we hadn't seen each other for 5 years. Time had stood still in the mean time. Which was sad as John was still only wearing his Mickey Mouse boxer shorts.
John used to love dressing up as a matchstick and hiding in peoples matchboxes then when people were ready to light their cigarettes he would leap out and shout 'NOOOOO IT WILL KILL YOU' He was such a character! Since the smoking ban he had become redundant, he didn't want to work outdoors and ever since Razor Ramone had put him in his mouth and started chewing him, the end was nigh. Johns' best friend Suggs came to join us at the bar; those two were always hanging out, well known as the 'EL Dude Brothers'
Awww Suggs was great, great believer in singing about animal testing, Suggs loved it, always jabbing needles into rabbits and squirting shampoo in mice' eyes. One time Suggs was holidaying in his Caravan with Ivor Novello, it was a quiet trip as Novello just sat there, frozen to the spot, Suggs threw him out the window in a fit of rage and hit a passing Hitcher on the head who called Suggs a 'slag'. Suggs was mad and took his potato gun out of his breast pocket and shot the hitcher through the ear, before planting a lily in his nostril and laying him on the grassy bank. Suggs was so crazy; those bendy flexible reactions of his always got him in trouble.
In 1987 Suggs and Bonham locked horns at a Bull fight, Suggs tried to finger Bonham's arse....Bonham loved it really as we all do but Suggs had left his diamond ring on and tore Bonham's arse hole really wide. Bonham flew into a rage and gnashed wildly at Suggs hair but Suggs had his finger up Bonham's arse good and proper. They were banned from the bull fight forevermore. Yet they always possessed a connection.
Turned out that Suggs and Bonham were now married and had sealed their relationship on the sea front, a penguin conducting the service dressed in a tutu with clips in his flowing locks. Awww it was a beautiful day. The penguin was called Simon and simply loved Suggs, pinching his cheeky little bottom all the way through. Bonham was furious and took a handily placed screwdriver before driving it deep into the penguins' feet, nailing him to the spot to carry out the rest of the ceremony. Suggs was furious with the penguin too and took out a drumstick from his breast pocket, but before he could do anything, the penguin escaped from his predicament and leapt, flapping onto motor heads' passing wagon. Lemmy had a soft spot for distressed penguins but he never expected Suggs to pull out two machine guns and blow it all to shreds.
Suggs fucking hated band wagons.
Having always maintained the illusion of being a moralistic man, the reality was quite the opposite. To be a ruthless, playmaking, rule-breaking hit man, Suggs had to be just that, and made no apologies. Frauds were failures, liars were obvious, and pansies weren't tolerated. Some would call him a paradox; others, a hypocrite. His double-identity had served up no mountainous problems until today—today, there had been a situation. Suggs was a lover not a fighter and so he skipped off into the sunset holding John Bonham's hand feeling no worse for his actions.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-04-24 17:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mentalist
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-07 05:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No its because you are that retard RR!
Submitted by theBarron (user info) at 2007-09-07 05:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IM THE BARRON I SPELL THINGS WRONG TO CONFUSE!!!! BECAUSE IM FUCKING EVIL.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-07 05:02:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's Jizz face, Haddock head.
Submitted by theBarron (user info) at 2007-09-07 04:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I got bored after the first line and gave up. This could either be your fault for writing a fucking boring post, or my lack of consentration.
GIZZ FACE!!!!!!!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-07-29 06:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-27 11:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-26 14:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know what i think im just a bit crazy.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-07-26 10:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm, eh... I'm not sure what the flying fuck just happened here... but I think it was funny.
I think.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-26 08:12:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll read it later. I'm on vacation. It's 5 am and I can't sleep on account of all the sand in my crotch.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-07-26 01:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This would have been +2 if it were John Bonham & Scruggs.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-25 15:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That would help.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-25 14:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy.....I must admit I dont know, its very English I guess, but if you have ever watched the mighty boosh you will understand.
But if you havent you will think Eddie Izzard has just had a massive drug binge.
Shall I just post photos of broads with big boobs?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-25 14:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I never mind you dropping links into Shlongy posts - Lord knows it's great advertising and exposure for you - but what the fuck was THIS post all about?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-25 13:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loki its not you, its me.
Thats the right thing to say yeah............
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-07-25 13:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm very confused.
It's most likely me.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-25 13:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have a rare, elusive Experima Two.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-25 09:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then of course I woke up and realised it was all but a dream, apart from the coffee in the crotch part.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-25 09:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I dont want lunchtime sex where I work, a lunchtime gurn maybe.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-25 09:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think all credit to the man who had lunchtime sex. I had it during lunch once it was great, but she spilt my coffee which ruined the moment for me in a rather major way.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-25 09:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
exactly
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-25 09:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-25 14:06:27 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
look, i have three kids and rarely get any
======
From them or elsewhere?
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-25 09:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
look, i have three kids and rarely get any
let me bask (basque?), ok?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-25 09:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I read it but I don't know what the fuck I just read.
RE:
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-25 07:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
First time in a while im guessing.....
from the way he's spouting off I'd agree with you.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-25 09:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Does circle jerkiness mean somethng geeky then, as I really have no idea.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-07-25 09:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I don't 'get' these stories. It *may* be b/c I don't read them, but I'm not sure.
+2 circle jerkiness.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-25 08:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm not a buffoon
i are weasel...
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-25 08:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you call me a 'Mo'?
Takes one to know one!
*runs out of door laughing to himself.*
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-25 08:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wait , wait I have no life !! I do find it quite depressing that I put a little effort into writing a story and only you two buffoons read it.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-25 08:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-25 13:36:56 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
the libido brothers!
are we the only three on this site at this hour?
seems so that every day in the aft there are only us three.
sad.
========
Well, I'm unemployed and you guys have cushy jobs. Life is good.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-25 08:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the libido brothers!
are we the only three on this site at this hour?
seems so that every day in the aft there are only us three.
sad.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-25 08:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-25 13:27:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
You do know brothels dont count as 'unexpected'
=======
I read this as 'brothers' rather than 'brothels'. Funny stuff.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-25 08:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
see hurty's post for explanation.
i'm in prague, only tourists pay for it here.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-25 08:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You do know brothels dont count as 'unexpected'
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-25 07:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a lunch time lay!
it was shagtastic.
it was cool cos it was absolutely unexpected.
it was to be a business meeting.
fuck yeah!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-25 07:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
First time in a while im guessing.....
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-25 07:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-25 06:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where is everyone today? Is uber now a haven for the unemployed (me) and homosexuals (EI)?
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...and those that get some.
woohoo!
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-25 07:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
another plus two cos you make no sense, John Bonham's innit and i just got laid!
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-25 07:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just got laid instead of lunch!
+2 to you sir.
now to read it
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-25 06:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well I am at work! Homos have feelings too you know.
Speaking of which, where is Drogo?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-25 06:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where is everyone today? Is uber now a haven for the unemployed (me) and homosexuals (EI)?
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-07-25 05:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' obsessed, aintcha boy?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-25 05:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Mention of Hitcher, +2.