The Year of Living Celibacy. The very next day. (776 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2007-07-26 06:37:52 EDT
The Entrée: http://www.ubersite.com/m/110470
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I started the day in Earnest, he didn't seem to mind all that much either. I leapt out of bed, translate to crawled sluggishly if you like, and headed to the bathroom to see what I had eaten for dinner the previous evening. With the early morning, late afternoon, ablutions completed I felt it was high time to lie on the sofa with a hot steamy brew and watch a bit of TV, after all I'd earned it.
As Brittney gyrated her hips on the screen and sang about 'Doing it again' my mind drifted off to my decision to be Celibate. I couldn't help but think that it really was going to be a bloody easy thing for me to do; after all I had a track record of failed sexual encounters that had become legend with my circle of friends, translate to my cats if you like.
All I had to do was act normally and everything would be alright. I wasn't in any peril of getting any 'Unwanted' female attention; seeing as I never really got Female attention when I did want it this was going to be a doddle.
That evening I was due to meet 'Real' live breathing friends at a local drinking establishment. Unlike most 'Local' watering holes down in damp Devon this one actually wasn't completely overtaken by inbreeds, the poster on the door stating 'Only those with webbed feet may drink here' was actually only there as a joke. Not like the pub down the road where they would actually check you to make sure.
After my strenuous day on the sofa I decided it was about time I got myself ready for going out. I moved the kettle, tea bags, sugar, milk and empty jug of water back into the kitchen; I had taken them through with me so I didn't have to move. As I munched on a cereal bar I walked past my computer and felt a strange stirring; there isn't anything strange about this stirring at all it's perfectly natural and what happened next was perfectly natural too, apart from the time frame maybe. 30 seconds later I had my towel wrapped around me and I was heading for the shower. I finished my cereal bar just before stepping inside.
With washing completed I dressed myself, finding jeans that were slightly too short and making sure to tuck my t-shirt into them, I felt I was ready. As an after thought I changed my socks to white ones and put on my nice white trainers that I was saving for when I could be bothered to pretend to exercise again.
The pub smelt like pubs of old, the smell of beer being drowned by the fog of filthy tobacco smoke, being a sheep I lit up as I walked in and made my way to the bar to find a non smoker to stand next to. Friends arrived and we sat and laughed, I had managed to get most of the way through the evening without being turned on in anyway shape or form, I was proud of myself and then I met her at the bar. I won't try to pretend she was stunning, but she did have both eyes looking in the same direction. The fact that I was hornier than a really horny thing (Analogy machine well and truly fucked) meant that I would have jumped her quicker than my brief romantic interlude with myself earlier. She wasn't all that fat either.
Her: "Hi. You out with the lads?"
Me: "Hi, yeah. We have some women there too, I think."
Her: "So is there any occasion?"
Me: "Nope. It's the first day of the New Year so I guess we could use that as an excuse."
Her: "I'm drinking Vodka Red Bull."
Me: "That's nice. I'm being celibate this year."
Her: "What's Celibate?"
Hmmm a genius this way comes.
Me: "I'm not having sex this year, I promised myself."
Her: "I never said I wanted to have sex with you. Christ all I was doing was talking to you."
oops
Me: "No I'm sorry, it's been playing on my mind all day, forget I said that."
Her: "Are you a Bible Basher freak?"
Me: "No I've never bashed one out over the bible, it really isn't that erotic. I use the internet, I'm letting myself masturbate."
Her: "Get away from me you fucking pervert."
Me: "Sorry!"
That night I went home and super glued my toes together; I was going to have to start drinking in the other pub if my Celibacy was going to work, those guys don't let you make the beast with two backs with them unless they can call you, at least, Cousin. And by guys I of course mean the women, but normally the 'Brothers' will want to check you out first.
I also made a mental note to buy some extra hand cream.
User Reviews
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-11 10:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
My local pub has two sections, one is where the normal people hang out, one is where the inbred weirdoes hang out. The latter section has no windows and has about 6 clocks in there, none of which have the right time.
Oh, there's also the section for tourists. Outside. ¬_¬
Cornwall ftw
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-08-11 09:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-11 07:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drogo you are alive!! Come to Bristol next week and we will have tea!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-07-27 00:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-07-26 18:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Her: "I'm drinking Vodka and Rebull"
Me: "Barkeep! Roofies + Special K + Vodka and Rebull!"
Barkeep: "el oh el another hot date?"
Me: "^_^"
(p.s. I really did say "^_^" it can be said outloud)
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-07-26 18:25:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Only those with webbed feet may drink here'
I told you that you could only come to my local, if you promised not yo make fun of it!
Good reading as ever. Been missing you of late. post more.
LM
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-07-26 18:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-07-26 18:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-26 16:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed through the whole thing.
Witty, slightly self-deprecating, make-you-think for a minute humor..you're quite good at it.
Submitted by PioneerBill (user info) at 2007-07-26 15:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A true celibate would even abstain from masturbation.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-26 12:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These are great so far.
Submitted by Tavo (user info) at 2007-07-26 11:48:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-07-26 11:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-26 11:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-26 10:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastic
Submitted by SlewiNash (user info) at 2007-07-26 08:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep it coming. Or keep not coming, however you want to take it
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-07-26 08:43:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hmmm a genius this way comes."
*snicker*
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-26 08:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-26 07:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah yes, a classic grrl which has eyes looking in the same direction.
all four limbs optional?
what the hell, eh?
a hole is a hole
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-07-26 07:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Her: "I'm drinking Vodka Red Bull." = "Buy me a drink and I'll put my mouth where you pee."
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-26 07:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crazy Christians. Actually were they Christians back then? I mean are these old Testament stories? Because surely they cant be christians until after christ has been given a good nailing.
I'm now confused and will go find coffee to purge my twisted soul.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-26 06:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lot's daughters also drug and rape him, who said the bible wasn't fun?!
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-26 06:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-26 06:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lev 18:19; 20:18 Don't sleep with menstruating women
Genesis 19:1-29 Lot offers up his daughters for a raping
Romans 1:26-27 Unnatural relations
Matthew 19:5-6 Jeebus bigs up the flesh
I Corinithians 6:9-1 All of Uber is fucked
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I am so reading them tonight, thank you TTOM. I think I already abide by the first one.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-07-26 06:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-26 06:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-26 06:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No I've never bashed one out over the bible, it really isn't that erotic.
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You havent been reading the right parts son.
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Well i guess the Whole Sodom and Gommoroh (sp) bit could be a wee bit fun, just doesnt float my boat really.
Chapters and verses may help
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You could always try dropping some acid and reading the book of revelations whilst securing yourself balls deep in some manner of mechanical vagina.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-26 06:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lev 18:19; 20:18 Don't sleep with menstruating women
Genesis 19:1-29 Lot offers up his daughters for a raping
Romans 1:26-27 Unnatural relations
Matthew 19:5-6 Jeebus bigs up the flesh
I Corinithians 6:9-1 All of Uber is fucked
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-26 06:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-26 06:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No I've never bashed one out over the bible, it really isn't that erotic.
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You havent been reading the right parts son.
--
Well i guess the Whole Sodom and Gommoroh (sp) bit could be a wee bit fun, just doesnt float my boat really.
Chapters and verses may help
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-07-26 06:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No I've never bashed one out over the bible, it really isn't that erotic.
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You havent been reading the right parts son.