Stuck In The Middle (800 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Badlands (View user info) at 2007-07-26 15:25:22 EDT
She glided by me like a light breeze on a crisp autumn day. I felt her presence almost immediately, and turned to face her even before those first words passed through her delicate lips.
"I like the blue striped one."
"Well sure, but red screams 'power.'"
"Yeah. I suppose it does. Lots of those IBM corporate drone types wear the red. Not sure you need the help though, Blonde."
"Blonde?"
"Yep. Blonde. I'm sure of it. Every see the movie, Reservoir Dogs?"
I'm staring at her now. Eyes squinting. Mouth curled on one side into a sly smirk. "Tarantino. Yeah. One of my favorites."
"Mr. Blonde. Michael Madsen. That's who you are. You're my Mr. Blonde."
I dropped the red tie I was holding back into the collage on the table in front of me and reached for the blue striped. My eyes never leaving the delicate blonde with the steely blue eyes leaning over the counter in front of me. I held it up to my chest, my eyes rising to meet hers.
"You gonna bark all day little doggie. Or are you gonna bite?"
"Wha?'
"It's a line. Mr. Blonde uses it in the movie."
Still staring.
"When Harvey Keitel is yelling at him? After Blonde enters the warehouse with a soda pop from some random fast food drive thru?"
"Oh-kay..."
"See Harvey's pissed 'cuz the whole job gets botched. The cops catch wind, a kick ass shoot out erupts. A bunch of dudes wind up biting it, and Mr. Orange—who incidentally is a dirty fucking narc—gets gut shot."
"A dirty...fucking...narc?"
"Yeah, why? You got a soft spot for rats?"
"Well no, it's not that. It's just...well, I've never heard a girl speak like..."
"Speak like what, Blonde? Like she's got a set? Well I do. And I ain't like no girl you've ever met—or ever gonna meet. You dig?"
Stunned. The blue striped tie still dangling between my fingers in front of my adam's apple. I gulp.
Gulp again.
Blink twice.
"...Now Harvey, while a career criminal, he's not without compassion you see. So, after this kid Orange gets tagged, Harvey picks him up and gets him back to the team rendezvous point, an old abandoned warehouse."
"Yeah, I get that. I just don't see..."
"Don't interrupt me, Blonde. So, Harvey's playing wet nurse to this whiny pussy cop who's on the floor bleeding like a stuck pig. Buscemi's there, and aside from being pissed off that he's stuck being Mr. Pink, isn't really all that concerned with Orange bleeding on the floor. He's out for himself, see. But Harvey...Harvey's worried about the kid. The whole job has unraveled. Nice Guy Eddie hasn't surfaced yet. Half the crew's been blown away. And who knows? The fuzz could be surrounding the perimeter as we speak. It ain't a good scene."
"The fuzz?"
She flips her hair. Giggles. "Yeah silly. The fuzz. 5-0. Bacon. The cops. You dig?"
I'm staring now. Literally staring. My jaw, you're gonna have to pick it up off'a the floor. And this girl...the delicate blonde with the steely blue eyes, she's yet to take a breath.
"So Harvey...if he ain't at the end of his rope, he's sure as shit close. A seasoned veteran. He's buttoned up. He knows what to do. He's been here before. But now...this job, it's unraveling before his eyes. And just when you think things couldn't get any more tense...here comes Mr. Blonde, sauntering through the door, like he doesn't have a care in the world..."
"Yeah, sweetie. I've seen the movie. Really I have."
"He stopped for a soda. Seriously, man. The dude stopped! For a soda!! I mean, shit, we can only deduce that a double bacon cheeseburger and some curly fries were also involved in the mix."
"Well now that you mention it, yeah, he probably..."
"Probably nothing, Blonde. I'm sure of it. Madsen fled the scene of a bloody caper and before meeting the rest of the team back at the safehouse, he grabbed hisself some chow. Hit up the BK. Or White Castle. Maybe Jack-In-Box. Oh, and did I mention that the cold-blooded motherfucker had a live cop on his trunk the entire time? Did I mention that little tidbit Blonde? Huh? Did I?"
"Um...no, you didn't actually mention it. But like I said, I DID see the movie. Actually a couple times, so..."
"So, nothing Blonde. Dude was like ice. And after Harvey spent a good three to four minutes teeing off on the guy for every one of his faux paux—and there were many—Madsen just smiles at him, practically unfazed—and delivers the line."
"The line?"
"The line, Blonde. The line. 'Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie? Or are you gonna bite?'"
"Ah, yes..."
"But for reals, Blonde. Harvey...he's exasperated. He can't believe what he's hearing. How could one man....no matter how cold and calculated...act the way Madsen's acting? It's inconceivable."
"Yeah, I remember the movie."
Suddenly she stops. The delicate blonde with the steely blue eyes. And furrows her brow. A wry grin creeping up the side of her delicate skin. "So, why then you having me recite the scene for you?"
She winks at me. Her perfect hand reaching up, gently removing the tie from my hand and tossing back in the pile. Me...my feet like two lead weights anchored to the floor. My chest, dancing above the rest of my body. My throat, thick and swollen.
"I...I didn't. I just, well...you called me Mr. Blonde and I can't..."
"You can't figure out whey I gave you that name, right Blondie?"
"Well, you see..."
The song, Blonde, the song...on the muzak player over the loudspeakers overhead? You hear it? ...Clowns to the left me...jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you..."
I turn my head to the ceiling above while the cheesy, outdated vocals hit me like a cool slap in the face.
"Stuck in the middle, Blonde. Me and you. Clowns to the left...and jokers to the right. Hardly seems fair, ya know?"
I'm just then overtaken by a strong whiff of cheap perfume and turn to find a rather large, fity-ish woman in a floral-patterned dress and too much rouge smiling at me. There's lipstick caked to her teeth.
"Anything I can help you, hon? You lookin' for a tie? Have you seen this blue striped one? I bet it'd look fabulous on you!"
I shake my head and turn my attention back to my new friend. The delicate blonde with the steely blue eyes, only to find that she's gone. Replaced now by a pimply-faced teenage kid with a lip ring wearing a wife beater and baggy jeans tucked neatly under the seat of his ass. He's burrowing through the ties with his greasy fingers, trying his hardest to make a complete mess of the pile.
Fucking clown.
"Here's a nice chartreuse tie, hon. You like pastels?"
I turn to the left...the right...no sign. Like it never happened. The song on the store muzak loudspeaker changes to some bullshit by Chicago. Or Three Dog Night. Or some equally shitty band. And I'm stuck.
Hardly seems fair.
User Reviews
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-12 20:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're definitely the only one. Kill yourself. By the way, Badlands. Am I an asshole, and you love him homosexually, or vice versa?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-12 20:23:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I must be the only on who hates that movie. And Tarintino.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2008-02-23 21:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just got Reservoir Dogs on Blu-Ray and watched it yesterday.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-30 10:06:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this, but I wanted to tell you that you are uber cool, dude.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-27 15:01:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 20:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-07-27 20:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-07-27 08:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-07-27 08:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-07-26 19:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent ditty.
Michael Madsen writes sometimes unintentionally hilarious poetry, in case you ever run across his book.
Reads like Z-grade Bukowski.
Has style, though.
This read like his style.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-07-26 19:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-07-26 18:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know Nice Guy Eddie is dead?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98011
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-26 18:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Without question we will make arrangements for August 9 cocktails...Although Shlongy won't be staying out too late that night since we have to hit the road - 12 dorks, 2 vans - at 7:30am on Friday, leaving from Farnsworth in Canandaigua.
Also, who knows what time we'll be coming back from Niagara Falls but I plan on being back in the big city by at least 8pm.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-07-26 16:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree. That would make a wonderful story. I can almost see the scene in my mind. I just hope the angry jealous husband doesn't show up and ruin everything.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-07-26 16:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great movie.
I think this story needs more of something....something a little edgy and naughty.
Perhaps the setting should be a dimly lit restaurant; two lovers fondle each other under the table while blues music plays loudly in the background.
I think that would be a much better story.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-07-26 16:32:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Still can't believe you're spending time in Binghamton. Jesus...
Get in touch if you do wind up making the trip and getting out for drinks. I'm buying.
Submitted by rodyarask (user info) at 2007-07-26 16:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-26 16:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ummmm- supposedly TONIGHT.
But as I already told my Rochester girlfriend this afternoon, it ain't happening. Ihope she can live through the trauma of hearing that.
Work bullshit got in the way - a new hire...a corporate conference call toady at 4:30pm...TWO A/E's on vacation during the same week (this week)...
Saratoga and my friends get stiffed.
BUT, I am already confirmed to fly in Wednesday, August 8, 11:30pm and spend one day (in Niagara Falls playing cards) and one night (In Rochester) before we head off to Binghamton for the 19th Annual Squeezer Open.
I have also volunteered to my pals to come BACK on Friday, August 31 for three days for the last weekend at Saratoga...Haven't heard back the response to that offer yet.
But I'm pretty pissed right now waiting for this 4:30 conference call.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-07-26 16:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So, when you coming to my town?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-26 15:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Out of nowhere comes the pro from Dover.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-07-26 15:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-26 15:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-07-26 15:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't get it, and it had some typos, however, you kept me reading until the end.
+1
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2007-07-26 15:33:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont know if I've ever read a bad piece of yours. Solid.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-26 15:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.