Mother Nature: MILF, or Mother Fucker? (2129 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.85 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-07-27 18:23:17 EDT
11.45 p.m, Friday night - somewhere in Swindon
Looks like rain........
That was my last thought, as I drew my curtains, before I threw my drunken ass onto the haven of comfort that is my bed. The last image I saw was the clouds gathering in the sky, real big ass nasty looking fuckers, soaking up every last ounce of humid atmosphere, with their skanky cloudiness.
Fucking clouds.......
Not to worry. I had finished off a bottle of Stoli, and the t.v in my bedroom was blaring out the script of Blackadder on some long forgotten comedy channel. I embraced sleep, safe in the knowledge that my biggest worry was the fact that my karma had taken a battering when I tricked those Jehova's witnesses into thinking my dandruff was anthrax.
That night, the Sandman took me for his little bitch. I was out for the count.
Oh sex hundred hours a.m - somewhere hanging
I wake up with an unusual desire for water. Some call this a 'hangover'. I call it 'fuck-please-tell-me-I-don't-have-to-work-today-syndrome'.
After pulling my sorry self out of bed, I open the curtains and inspect the driveway to make sure my car is still there. There's been a spate if thefts recently, including my next door neighbour having his Toyota nicked, and replaced with a matchstick toy replica.
They caught the guy that did it - he pleaded insanity, stating that he had merely shrunk the original car with a ray-gun. The insurance company had a field day, claiming they didn't have to pay out because the actual car was 'still there in effect'.
But I gazed out of my window, and my car was there.
Hang on a minute....
*Rubs eyes*
*Blinks*
*Rubs eyes again*
Yes. There's my car. And oh, look - there's three children sailing past it in a dinghy.
It took a few seconds to dawn on me that my entire street was a swelling river.
Shit.....
I walked downstairs and had a paddle. Everything seemed surreal, slow-motion. Before I knew it, I was calf-deep in murky brown water.
What......
The.......
Fu.......
My house was flooded.
Completely flooded.
I've seen some strange things in my time, but none so strange as seeing my DVD player floating past the cat's food bowl.
It didn't matter where I looked - the whole place was fucked.
I was in the middle of a mortgage deal - for the past 4 months, I have been trying to sell the house I live in for a profit, in order that I can buy somewhere better.
I have personally:
- Paid people to re-brick one side of the house to eliminate the damp.
- Spent thousands on decorating, so that some stupid bastard would think they were moving into a respectable area.
- Wasted three weeks of hard graft by sanding down all the floorboards and stairs, and varnishing them to give a 'cottagey' feel to the place.
- Shouted at 109 different councillors, over 67 different meetings as to whether or not I can build an extension which cost me £13,000 because it is within 60 feet of the local duck pond.
All this work and I managed to find a buyer.
Some stupid fool was willing to take this place off my hands, and make me a profit big enough to lay a deposit down on a sweet pad away from the shit part of town.
But then came the rain.
The town name 'Swindon' come from Olde English - 'Swine Down', which literally means 'Pig Hill'.
Before the Industrial revolution, farmers used to breed pigs on the many hills which surrounded the growing town. Swindon was surrounded by hills, making it a fucking crater in the face of the countryside.
Crater = Pit
This arrangement worked fine for a couple hundred years or so.
Right up until we had 3 months worth of rain in less than 2 hours.
The result?
Fucking carnage. Houses flooded. Schools closed. Hospitals inaccesable. Over half a million people claiming insurance at the same time.
I work in life insurance - 3 people are currently at my disposal, a total claim possibility of £890,000.
And my boss's sentiment - 'Make sure we don't pay out on any of those cunts. Serves 'em fucking right....'
This puts my own plight in perspective.
The insurance people have said it's gonna be at least 4 months before I can move back in to my house.
My potential buyers have 'withdrawn' their offer. Apparently the new water feature isn't quite what they expected. So much for Joey moving to the nice part of town.
In the mean time, I'm shacked up with my ex-girlfriend, who lovingly threw her arms open at my tragedy. I was hoping my local kebab shop would do the same, but beggars can't be choosers.
I've lost my house.
I've lost my expensive furniture.
I've lost all the hard work I put into making a house a home that someone else could enjoy.
But do you know what?
I couldn't give a shit
Mother Nature aint gonna beat me down.
I'm gonna get you back, bitch
As I write this, I'm looking outta my window.
Looks like rain........
Well, you know what? I can look beyond the rain. I can look beyond the clouds, and the dark, and the dismal feeling of doom and gloom.
Why?
Because I can see the blue sky beyond the gloom.
No matter what life brings my way, I know I can look forward and see the sunshine. There's a sparkling light at the end of everyone's tunnel.
You've just gotta lift your head up and look
It's there people.
You just have to want to get there.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-09 13:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-08-09 13:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-08-09 10:03:35 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOO JOEY G!!
WWOOOOO - *confetti, confetti, confetti, blob of mangled paper, confetti*
We've enjoyed having you here! Be sure to stick around.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-08-09 09:03:18 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm definitely me.
I have a name tag and everything.
Everything you ever wanted to know about JoeyG
User id: 28167
Registered on or around: 2006-08-09 19:44:52 BST
# Messages posted: 90
# Reviews written: 2344
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 2935
# Hits: 172647
Average rating of all messages: 1.72
Hey, whaddya know - looking at that has just made me realise today is my 1st uberversary.
Go me.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-07-30 20:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucking rock.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-30 16:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sympathy +2 mate.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-07-30 15:40:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I( woudl make sure you paid out on EVERY one of those claims - just to fuck over your boss.
besides, you guys have re-insurance, right?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-07-30 13:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that fucking blows monkey cock man...
good post
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-07-30 09:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-07-30 05:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
fucking hell, bad luck, dude.
on the bright side, you work in insurance and know the loopholes, maybe.
also, you dont have to go to venice for a vacation this year.
can't move mohammed to the mountain, move the mountain to....
work isn't flooded out?
it's matchbox, not matchstick.
good luck
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-07-30 05:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can just imagine those guys in Tewkesbury who had canoes going, 'fucking told you this was a good investment Marjorie'
Did you know you cant donate money at banks to help people from the floods, only over the internet. Which is stopping a great number of people from helping.
Disgrace.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-07-30 04:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks big time Joey mate. Fuck!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-07-29 21:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoyable read. Sorry for your plight.
Submitted by Rejection (user info) at 2007-07-29 21:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope you have good insurance.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-07-29 17:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-07-27 19:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-27 19:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a good writer and I don't say that to anyone very often.
Or, ever.
---------------
"The colossal prick even managed to sound magnanimous"
----
My Shawshank Redemption DVD got stolen.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-29 16:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-07-29 10:53:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks so fucking bad.... I grew up and Florida and I've been through 6 hurricaines, and never saw flooding like that. In-fucking-sane
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-07-29 10:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well, you know what? I can look beyond the rain. I can look beyond the clouds, and the dark, and the dismal feeling of doom and gloom.
Why?
Because I can see the blue sky beyond the gloom.
No matter what life brings my way, I know I can look forward and see the sunshine. There's a sparkling light at the end of everyone's tunnel.
You've just gotta lift your head up and look"
_____________________
God damn you Britishers are optimistic! Good on you though, stiff upper lip and all that.
At least you're not in an area that regularly floods. Every few years there are parts of the Mississippi that rise well above their banks, flooding out numerous trailor parks. Course these people just take their government assistence, buy new trailors, and put them RIGHT BACK IN THE FLOOD PLAIN. Lather, rise, repeat.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-07-29 06:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-29 05:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-07-29 02:49:04 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-28 02:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-07-28 02:49:42 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting if true. But since its a JoeyG, probably bullshit.
-----------------------
Do you ever take your head out of your ass? The whole of th UK is having the worst flooding in over 200 years.
Swindon and surrounding areas are pretty much in the middle of it:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/wiltshire/content/image_galleries/swindon_floods_gallery.shtml?1
But yeah, like you say, probably just bullshit.......
________________________________
yeah genius i know the uk is flooding, but maybe you are just banking on yanks possibly hearing about the flood (unlikely) and writing one of your stories...come on man most of your stories so far have been bullshit.
swindon eh? i hear your branch of wernam hogg got moved to slough
------------------
http://www.ubersite.com/m/92939
I'm getting tired of repeating myself.....
Funny you should mention The Office though, the guy that played Keith (the fat fucker) used to drink in my local.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-07-28 21:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-28 02:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-07-28 02:49:42 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting if true. But since its a JoeyG, probably bullshit.
-----------------------
Do you ever take your head out of your ass? The whole of th UK is having the worst flooding in over 200 years.
Swindon and surrounding areas are pretty much in the middle of it:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/wiltshire/content/image_galleries/swindon_floods_gallery.shtml?1
But yeah, like you say, probably just bullshit.......
________________________________
yeah genius i know the uk is flooding, but maybe you are just banking on yanks possibly hearing about the flood (unlikely) and writing one of your stories...come on man most of your stories so far have been bullshit.
swindon eh? i hear your branch of wernam hogg got moved to slough
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2007-07-28 16:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-07-28 13:13:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All i can say is http://www.ubersite.com/m/110403
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-07-28 11:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was storming pretty bad here last night. A bunch of us were out on my deck indulging in a few beers and cigarettes when lightning struck just the road over from us. Obviously, since it was so close, the Thunder was almost immediate. We could actually FEEL the lightning hit - it was frickin' awesome...
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-28 11:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-07-28 15:49:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-28 02:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.bbc.co.uk/wiltshire/content/image_galleries/swindon_floods_gallery.shtml?1
======================================================================
I have never been to the UK and I mean no disrespect, but those are some of the ugliest fucking houses and buildings I have ever laid eyes on.
-------------
You're not wrong.
We have all the architectural skills of an earthworm.
Submitted by badglobe (user info) at 2007-07-28 11:02:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yah, tis good.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-07-28 10:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-28 02:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.bbc.co.uk/wiltshire/content/image_galleries/swindon_floods_gallery.shtml?1
======================================================================
I have never been to the UK and I mean no disrespect, but those are some of the ugliest fucking houses and buildings I have ever laid eyes on.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-07-28 09:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-07-27 18:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brittania rules the waves.
The waves rule Brittania
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That's funny, right there.
The midwest US has had stunning summer floods in the past few years too. Sucks. We blame France - you can too if you'd like.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-07-28 08:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-07-28 03:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope your insurance company comes through. Glad you're optimistic.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-28 02:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-07-28 02:49:42 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting if true. But since its a JoeyG, probably bullshit.
-----------------------
Do you ever take your head out of your ass? The whole of th UK is having the worst flooding in over 200 years.
Swindon and surrounding areas are pretty much in the middle of it:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/wiltshire/content/image_galleries/swindon_floods_gallery.shtml?1
But yeah, like you say, probably just bullshit.......
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-07-27 21:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting if true. But since its a JoeyG, probably bullshit.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-07-27 20:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DUDE.
That?
aww man...
Fuck.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-27 20:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, Joey.
Your optimism is a kicker of all ass.
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2007-07-27 20:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry about your house. I hope things get better for you. So here's a start Have a +2!!!!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-07-27 19:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-07-27 19:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-27 19:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a good writer and I don't say that to anyone very often.
Or, ever.
---------------
"The colossal prick even managed to sound magnanimous"
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-07-27 19:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a good writer and I don't say that to anyone very often.
Or, ever.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-07-27 19:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel for ya. My house was ripped from my grasp by an evil entity known as "the ex-wife."
Well, so I gave it to her, but when shit goes down and suddenly you have no assests, life turns into a mean motherfucker.
So, uh...
Pep pep! Stiff upper lip! You're English, right? Grace under pressure, man.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-07-27 19:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bad luck, good story. Sorry this happened to you, especially after you made such lovely floors...
Are the kittens okay?
(will write soon)
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-07-27 19:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit son!
mother nature ain't givin you no love!
hope your insurance company comes through
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-07-27 18:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brittania rules the waves.
The waves rule Brittania.
G'luck and all
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-07-27 18:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-07-27 18:48:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, unless she's both hideous and psycho, go fer it.
As the old saying goes, no one's looked back on their life and thought, "I wish I'd had less sex"
...
Except all the poor bastads with teh AIDZ, of course.
...
Damn, booze makes me a giant asshole, don't it?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-27 18:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-07-27 23:36:46 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope you get laid in the near future.
------
I'm staying at my ex-girlfriends place....... she's already tried to eat me alive.
I resist, because I don't want to become....
AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Maybe it's too late........
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-07-27 18:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"That night, the Sandman took me for his little bitch"
...
I'm drunk and this made me laugh...Yay!
SRSLY tho, Life's an anfry jealos bitckth and then you...
(say it with me)
-2DIE!!!
HARHARHA--
...
Okay, that's just not cool.
Sorry about the shit you've been going through.
Hope you get laid in the near future.
XOXOXOXO
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-07-27 18:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*points* HAW HAW
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-07-27 18:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
try smiling when the only photo you have of your dead dad is washed away in stagnant water
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-07-27 18:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you're smiling because you got head from the ex, aren't you?
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-07-27 18:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I see the word MILF...but I dont see one...