"Cockslap death" and four other shameless lies that retrospectively withered my childhood (1169 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.54 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by A Little More Time (View user info) at 2007-08-01 11:57:35 EDT
Every kid is a wide-eyed naive bag of flesh at one point or another; its all really a matter of how long it takes before they become perfectly normal, disillusioned, jaded-as-a-stone adults. We all fell for shit older people told us: the Easter Bunny is real, the Tooth Fairy'll bring you fat cash as parts of your head fall out, Mommy and Daddy really love each other, etc. Hell, some of us were so far into claims made by authority figures that we had trouble believing them when they started telling us the truth. Remember how hard it was to believe that your douchebag parents were the ones that brought you all that cool stuff at Christmas and not Santa Claus?
Seriously, man, what the fuck?
It will probably come as no surprise to you whatsoever that I was one of these kids for a long time. The only thing I was ever jaded about until I entered high school was that my dad was an asshole for moving us all around the goddamn country with his job. Apart from that, I was as wet behind the ears as I could be, despite some of the more fantastic lies I'd been told in my childhood.
I figured I'd share a few of these with you, if only to put my own stupidity on display for cheap lulz. What else is Uber good for, really?
Then...
1. "...You'll go blind!"
What better way to start out with this old gem? Nobody ever told this to me personally, but I read it everywhere. I wasn't blessed with a decent sense of what was a joke and what wasn't as a kid, so I took this shit pretty seriously. On one hand, jerking off was awesome. On the other, I'd learned to really appreciate my sight. It was how I was able to look at porn and then, by proxy, jerk off. How on Earth does a thirteen year-old reconcile such a conundrum?!
Well, as it turns out, you just throw it all to the wind and masturbate furiously for the next five years until you finally ship off to college and get laid 'cuz hey, if it really happens, you're not going to give a shit what she looks like, right? That, and you can always tell everyone that you lost your sight doing something awesome, like learning how to shoot optic blasts or looking into the heart of the TARDIS.
In retrospect, this one is pretty fucking ridiculous, particularly looking at it now, since it's just told to horny young boys to keep them from wanking it every chance they get, which is moral bullshit anyway, since the people that go around spouting this one are probably the same fuckers who say that sex outside of marriage is sinful. Well, guess what? You can't have it both ways; you can't tell an adolescent male "Don't you DARE masturbate!" and then turn around and demand that they hold their junk until the wedding night. If you did that, you'd have seventeen year-old guys shotgun-spraying their shorts every time a cheerleader bent over and impregnating every female in a thirty-foot radius.
Onanism > Overpopulation.
2. "Women are gentle creatures and need tenderness and care."
I'm not sure what's worse about this one, the sheer magnitude of this lie or the fact that my Dad, a man who never so much as lifted a finger to help my mom with the housework or give her a Christmas gift, was the one who taught it to me. What a load of shit. Women aren't any more gentle or fragile than men; at the very least, they don't have the tendency to be. They've got it rougher because popular opinion seems to think they are, but that's about it. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the vag or anything; I just don't think women are by nature any less potentially evil or easily hurt.
I acted like a right pussy with my first girlfriend in college and she ended up walking all over me and leaving me for a 24 year-old part-time gas station attendant who still lived with his parents in Quebec. I did everything for her, going so far as to go to the grocery store for her when she was on the rag because her period was supposedly nuclear and in the end she wound up dumping my ass for a guy with absolutely no prospects and who treated her like shit.
I didn't take quite the same lesson other guys in a similar situation did; I never started to think that women love guys who'll treat 'em like dirt. What I did do was man up a bit and not get so concerned about things like how a woman was feeling when she was doing things like eating mac 'n cheese. Paying too much attention to a significant other, regardless of gender, projects insecurity and a lack of confidence, and nobody wants to be with a weepy bitch who's constantly worried about them and the state of their relationship. I ended up marrying a woman who gets weirded out by displays of chivalry and will ask me when she needs me to get her something, thank you very much.
Couldn't be happier. It means she'll be willing to get me a second beer once in a while, or keep me from putting my head through a wall when I've been working on my thesis for too long. She's not needy, and she sure as hell isn't fragile; she's put up with five years of my nonsense already. If that's not harder than a coffin nail, I don't know what is.
Women are fragile? No fucking chance. They skate it off with the best of us.
3. "College will be the best four years of your life."
This one I at least had enough sense to take with a grain of salt at the outset. Sure, I was stoked to move away from my parents and start learning the things I was actually going to use in my career, but the best? Better than retiring at forty or raising kids? I doubted it.
Turns out I was dead-on to do so. College (at least as far as undergraduate went) fucking sucked. I racked up forty grand in student loans, a third of which was for classes in which I was taught things that had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on the rest of my life. I'm studying to be a clinical behavioral psychologist; I don't need to know how to put together complex organic chemical equations or any math beyond the quadratic formula. Thousands of dollars, into the toilet, for a piece of paper that says "Bachelor of Science, Psychology" when it should read "Bachelor of Science, Psychology, plus Teeny-Weeny Bachelor in Japanese, Calculus, Chemistry, Biology, Antebellum American History, and Underwater Basketweaving".
Living in the dorms (required for all freshmen) was fine aside from rooming with an Agricultural major whose classes all ended halfway through Spring semester and so spent the rest of the time stoned out of his gourd on oxycontin after getting kicked in the head by an irate cow. I guess withdrawal from that shit is a bitch.
Undergrad was next to worthless. At least I'm learning what I actually need to now that I'm going for my Masters, but it's no cakewalk, either. The amount of work required is far disproportionate, though.
At least I'm not living with the bovine anus-raper anymore.
4. "Expensive equals quality."
Another one passed on by the parents, and another utterly shameless in its falsehood. My parents are loaded; I am not. They shop by catalog and the Internet almost exclusively unless the purchase warrants them actually experiencing the product. I shop at Wal-Mart and Meijer because we can't really afford any better right now. We don't like not being able to support the little local stores around here, but that's the way the shit stinks sometimes. Point is, my parents have had more shit break down than I can be bothered to count which required calling in expensive tech service people, most of whom weren't able to diagnose the actual problems to begin with, or otherwise fixed it as quickly as possible only to have shit fall apart two weeks later anyway.
My thirty-dollar DVD player is three years old, has survived multiple moves, and has never once broken down. I was able to fix the cut-rate video card in our PC last month with my father-in-law's soldering iron and an hour's worth of knowledge gleaned from the Internet. I got a tear in the cuff of my slacks so I learned how to sew. It seems to me that most of the consumer goods out there that have expensive and inexpensive variations are mostly one and the same, save for the name on the label. The quality and product life are largely variables affected by how well you keep them up. There're exceptions, of course; expensive cars can be more luxurious, and you're gonna pay more to eat the better parts of the cow or chow down on all-organic veggies, and jewelry, but that's really it.
It all comes down to money in the end, so every company, from the one you've become familiar with in your youth to the new one that cranks out cheap Korean knockoffs, is encouraged to use the same parts and labor to maximize profit. The only difference is, Sony is gonna charge more than Daewoo or Kenwood, and they know they can get away with it since people'll go with the brands they know.
In other news, I'm fucking pissed that my parents will be broke by the time they die at this rate for following this very precept, and I won't inherit their riches and be able to buy and sell people for a living.
*weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*
5. "Cockslap death."
I saved the best for last. This is, without a doubt, the most fantastic lie I've ever been told, and I love the rationale behind it.
My parents and I used to go up to Canada to stay at a cabin on this small lake for the same two weeks every summer. Most of the other cabins in the area were owned by families who did the same thing, so we ended up seeing the same folks each year, and there were never any kids my age to hang out with, so I had to make good with the Older ones.
Laird was one such Older Kid. When we went up there when I was twelve, he was sixteen, and thus much more well-versed in the wyrd ways of this world. One day he and I and a few other kids were sitting on a dock discussing what would be the most fucked-up way to die. Most of us offered up the usual suggestions, mostly involving torture; shards of bamboo thrust into your orifices until you bled out, the Rack, eating a live grenade, you know what I mean.
Laird, though, crazy fuck as he was, just laughed at us and shook his head. He didn't think our ideas were any good at all.
"Oh, like you've got something better?" one kid challenged.
"Hell yeah I do," Laird said, standing up and lighting a cigarette, which instantly raised his credibility a hundred fold. He looked down at us with wisdom in his eyes. "Cockslap death is the worst way to die."
A few of the more timid kids laughed nervously. Words like "cock" were still verboten in their personal lexicons. I just stared at him. "What the hell is that?" I asked.
"It's where you get hit in the 'nads so hard you just die."
My world was forever changed. A few of the others muttered weak disbeliefs, but deep down, we all knew he was telling the truth. He said he even had an uncle who died of it. Of course it was real; how could it not be? Every guy who makes it past age ten knows how much it hurts to get rocked in the joy department. It made perfect sense that, since it the pain could be so great from just a small impact, you could die if it were struck with enough force. I mean, I remember a few instances in which I wanted to die afterward.
"But how does it work?"
"You know how a stroke kills you, just like that?" He snapped his fingers.
"Yeah."
"It's the same way. The pain is so great you just die." He took a drag and flicked the butt into the water. "It happens more than you'd think."
I took that shit to heart. I protected my family jewels like my fucking life depended on it from then on, because I was convinced it did. It took a few cheap shots to the groin during fights in high school to finally realize he'd been having us on. But damn if he wasn't convincing.
Still, even now, I grimace and say a prayer every time a see a pair of nutcrackers...
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-08-04 06:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-08-04 01:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...why do they call you "cock knocker"?
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-08-02 08:59:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-08-02 08:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The title alone is +2 worthy
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-08-02 07:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be B@W.
Also
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Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-08-02 02:13:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
all i can tell you
is that my older brother NOW has
macral degeneration so...
--------------------------
It's macular degeneration, douchebag.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-02 02:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad I read this. It's very funny.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-01 23:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2007-08-01 22:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AUTO PLUS TWO MARK HAMIL AND KEVIN SMITH IN ONE MOVIE!
Submitted by Entaran (user info) at 2007-08-01 22:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally a day on uber where the front page isn't covered in stupid bandwagons or other useless shit.
I'm even enjoying it to some degree again :D
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-08-01 20:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UTOCKIN2ME (user info) at 2007-08-01 19:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1. Just remember to eat a carrot while you choke the chicken.
2. Only when they want or especially when they need something from you or by you.
3. College sucked; all I did was drink,study,fuck and /or fight.And then I got some stupid paper.
4.a)My $25 dollar watch from W**-Mart works better and has lasted longer than any Lorus or Rolex
I have owned.
b)I've wined & dined and spent lots of money on chicks who were lousy lays.
And then got my brains fucked out by chicks i took to Burger King.
5. I don't know about this one. Lorena cut off John's cock and he went off to make a porno flick.
And there is a column Savage Love (Dan Savage) and this guy wrote in to say how he pays angry women to crush him in the nads as hard as they can -and he likes it
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-08-01 18:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a little trouble explaining the title to my boss too... so I had him read it.
After he finished he asked me "Is this guy serious"
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-08-01 16:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GOOOOOOD stuff here.
And there's one hell of a title to catch the eye as the boss walks by and looks over your shoulder...
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-08-01 16:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
's me
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-08-01 15:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-08-01 15:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
COCK KNOCKER!!!!!!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-01 15:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-01 15:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You like dickslapping!
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-08-01 15:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes...
Good Stuff.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-01 14:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
all i can tell you
is that my older brother NOW has
macral degeneration so...
haha
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-08-01 14:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still, Chemistry and Biology are very useful because you'll have to study Neuropsychology and Sensation and Perception (sensory stimuli and how they work).
You're on the opposite side of me. I mostly want to research. Granted I'll probably have to practice a little but research is my focus.
Multi-linear regression models make me happy in my pants.
Hey! How many shrinks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: Just one but the lightbulb must want to change.
How do you annoy a shrink?
Answer: Demand a straight answer.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2007-08-01 13:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-08-01 13:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Re: #2
Hear Hear! and you're absolutely correct. Women are just people. I find it annoying when people assume I'll become an emotional wreck when any of life's little problems arise just because I'm female.
Oh, and by the way, if you are going to go into Clinical Psychology (presuming you want to research and publish), you most certainly will have to take Statistics at both an Undergrad AND Graduate level.
-------------------------------------
Actually, I want to practice, but Stat is part of the study packages for both Undergrad and Grad levels. Got nothing against Stat; chi-squared values are my homeboys.
#3 was directed mostly at all the Chemistry and Biology bollocks I had to take.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-08-01 13:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Re: #2
Hear Hear! and you're absolutely correct. Women are just people. I find it annoying when people assume I'll become an emotional wreck when any of life's little problems arise just because I'm female.
Oh, and by the way, if you are going to go into Clinical Psychology (presuming you want to research and publish), you most certainly will have to take Statistics at both an Undergrad AND Graduate level.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-08-01 13:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by a_little_more_time (user info) at 2007-08-01 13:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-08-01 13:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NOt quite a 2, but I'll round up.
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Cheers.
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-08-01 13:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NOt quite a 2, but I'll round up.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. Happy face.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The last one saved this.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very very good - even the pic.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
all i can tell you
is that my older brother NOW has
macral degeneration so...
Submitted by BRKNDREAMZ (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No ... Just no i mean sure it took you awhile to write all of this down and thats great so no -2's like all the other pole smokers on this site but ... no ...
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:12:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3 shades of awesome.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Christ I couldn't get through all this. College was awesome. Some women are weak, some are strong...
uh...what else was there?
Oh yeah, I couldn't be bothered.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
indeed
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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