I Am A Dick, But Not On Purpose (1337 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Anthony Locascio (View user info) at 2007-08-01 22:54:55 EDT
I've come to the conclusion that some people who are absolute pricks are not naturally that way, they are forced to be that way by the people around them. This evening, I was a huge, gigantic, throbbing, John Holmes penis and it was not my fault.
If you go back far enough in my writings, you'll come to a post in which I detailed the fact that my job gave me a corporate AMEX credit card. I basically shoved it in the back of my wallet and forgot about it. Nearly eighteen months later, my wife lost her job. Now, if any of you are married, you know that unless you are disciplined to the point of a financial Mr. Spock, when you live on two incomes, you depend on two incomes. Yes, yes, I know, you read on MSN Money about two assholes who live on twelve cents a day and sock the rest into T-bills. I, much like you most likely, live in the real world. I have cable bills, power bills, bills for the gym, two car payments, and rent. I have credit card debt from college I'm still paying off. In short, I'm leveraged to the gills. AMEX time baby.
The AMEX was good because I could use it for essentials - gas and food at Costco. Apparently I was unaware of how much fuel I shove both into myself and my car, because before too long I was sixteen hundred bucks in the hole.
AMEX is really quite interesting in that you have to pay the entire thing off at one time. No grace period, no balances. You pay it all each month. EVERY DIME. Now, as I stated before, I'm not a dick, at least not natively. I pay my taxes, I hold doors for women, and I let people go in front of me in traffic. I believe in courtesy, without a doubt. By practice of courtesy, if you take a king off his throne and a bum off the street, switch their clothes and their places, you can still tell which one is the king and which is the bum.
At any rate, AMEX is more hard-assed about collections than Visa or Mastercard because AMEX is much smaller. They don't have the huge markets that Visa has so they don't write stuff off as easily. They don't really NEED you, they're happy to kick your deadbeat ass off of their list if you don't pay up, which is what happened to me. Fine, I deserved it. I charged more than I should have. Thankfully I got a better paying job with a nearly 20% raise, so I was able to make some payments while my wife looked for work.
I didn't declare bankruptcy even when I had nearly 20k in credit card debt. They were my debts, fair and square, and I intended to pay them. I know, some of you are probably thinking, "What, you want a fucking medal? You're supposed to pay that shit back, asshole," I agree, and I never said I was a saint, I just said I wasn't a dick. At least until this evening.
I get a call at 8:50 pm. US federal credit card law says they can't call you after 9:00, but I still think this was pushing it. If I had known it was a collection agency, I would have started to get aggravated right there and then. As it was, they mentioned the name of my previous company, so I thought it might be important somehow. Once I get on the phone, I realized who it was.
When it comes to people, I admit that I can be a bit naïve. I have a real tough time thinking that someone is doing something deceitful unless it's really staring me right in the face. When it comes to collection agencies though, I've seen so much abusive behavior that every time one is mentioned I head into the bathroom and drop a huge green brick. Must be some sort of Pavlovian response, I guess. Anyway, I know collection agencies will be total anuses to you unless you bend over and spread so wide that they can see the sun coming up. Because it was AMEX though, I thought that they would be more professional, especially since I was willing to pay them money.
I explained to the woman that I didn't have sixteen hundred bucks to drop on the spot, but I would pay them what I could, which at the moment wasn't more than fifty bucks a month. It seemed like a foreign concept to her. ME. NO. SIX PLUS TEN. MULTIPLY. CIENTO. DINERO. NO HAVE. ME DOLLA NO WALLET. If it was face to face, I would have started drawing pictograms for her to get my point across.
"Okay, sir, I'm documenting your refusal to pay..." she begins.
"No no no no no, I am not refusing to pay, I just can't pay it all at once," I explained.
"That's a refusal. And this was a corporate card, sir, so you shouldn't have used it for personal purchases."
Now I'm starting to get a bit irritated, because one of the first things it said on my offer letter when I signed on was THIS CARD MAY BE USED FOR PERSONAL PURCHASES because it was in my name. Believe me, I rechecked that several times before I ever bought anything with it. She doesn't believe me. How do I know this? Might have something to do with the fact that she said "Sir, I find that hard to believe."
Now, I am a shitty liar. Shitty. I am so horrible that the only people I can lie to even remotely convincingly are under ten years of age, and since I can beat them up, I don't bother. The result is I take most things head on, and I expect (however unlikely) to be believed when I state something plainly. Then I get this line:
"Sir, the next step is it will go on your credit and we don't want to do that, we want to help you." Right then I knew I was being taken for a ride. Collection agencies don't want to help you, any more than a loan shark wants to help you. "Hey, you don't pay, I have to break your thumbs. You don't want that, I don't want that. Help me help you by giving me the money."
"Okay. Help me by accepting fifty bucks a month."
"Sir, you are aware that (my previous corporation) can lose its agreement with AMEX if you don't pay?"
Now I definitely know I'm being jived. Jived like a fool tom turkey.
"Kim, my former job was the largest company of its kind in the entire world. You're going to pull a billion dollar account because of sixteen hundred bucks? Is your company that dumb?"
"It's not our company, it's American Express,"
"Oh okay, I know they're not dumb. You I'm not so sure about."
Now, I suddenly realize I can hear someone yelling to her in the background. "Tell him that ....." I pounced.
"Tell you what, can you put your friend who knows what she's doing on the phone? She seems to know better since she's advising you."
"Sure." One dumbass defeated. I gained a level from the experience points. I readied my Sword of Dumbass slaying +5 and prepared.
"Sir," the new vorpal dumbass on the phone explained, "you were not supposed to use the card for personal...."
"YES I CAN," I replied. "I have it in writing."
"It doesn't say that," She apparently had "alter reality" in her spellbook.
"You don't tell me what I have, lady. You don't know anything I don't know, believe me."
"Well, SIR (the louder they say "sir", the more pissed they are), I'm processing your refusal..."
"You can't say I'm refusing because I'm not."
"Yes I can!" What the hell is this? Some sort of Abbott and Costello routine?
"Okay, this call is being recorded right?"
"Yes it is, SIR."
"Okay, when you play this for a judge, I want him to hear that I'm NOT REFUSING." I started singing. "La la la la la I'm not refuuuuuuuusing,"
"SIR, you're the one who misused the card..."
"No, actually, I slid it through the slot and signed the paper, it worked just fine. I'm sure I used it right."
Well that did it.
"SIR, you can look it up in legal books that the entire state of Arkansas lost their AMEX cards because of people like you and I HOPE YOU CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT KNOWING WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" CLICK!
She hung up on me, but she didn't know how badly that last phrase haunted me. HAUNTED. What have I DONE? Seriously? Was this all it took? Me and my sixteen hundred bucks and I destroy not one but two companies? Maybe Arkansas, too? Was I the one who pushed that domino that caused that collapse?
Hey, ETS. Give me a call sometime. I'll show you how to take down "corporate America". It's pretty easy. If you're a dick like I am, that is.
User Reviews
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-08-02 22:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate you without reason, but I laughed.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-08-02 22:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes!
It brought to mind that bit Maddox wrote about fucking with credit card companies by taking their pre-paid reply envelopes, stuffing as much of your junk mail that you can fit into it and sending it back to them.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-08-02 21:20:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-02 20:11:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, best thing I ever did was get rid of my AMEX cards (yes I had two) I had to starve myself and steal fruit from my neighbours garden in order to eat so I could pay them off.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-02 18:16:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey, i've been to Arkansas, i wouldn't give em an Amex card either
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-08-02 14:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-08-02 12:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is nice when a company hires complete idiots, good read !
Thanks
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-08-02 10:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best thing on here in ages.
B@W
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-08-02 10:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2007-08-02 10:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-08-02 09:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How the fuck can you spend 1600 in a month on gas and food?
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Oh it was more than a month, probably more like three or four. I'm not THAT fat.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-08-02 09:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How the fuck can you spend 1600 in a month on gas and food?
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-08-02 09:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-08-02 07:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
While I found this story amusing and funny, I can't have sympathy for you. You knew the stipulations with AMEX before you used the card and I'm a firm believer in that if you can't afford it then you don't need it.
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well like he explained in the post, it's easy for you to say until you have have a wife and other obligations already. When I was young and single I thought the same exact thing, but life happens.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-02 09:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2007-08-02 09:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post deadbeat.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-08-02 09:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you owe the state of Arkansas an apology.
Submitted by Kale (user info) at 2007-08-02 09:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-02 09:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sure." One dumbass defeated. I gained a level from the experience points. I readied my Sword of Dumbass slaying +5 and prepared.
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hahahaha.
By the way,
I read your Engineering humour posts, they're awesome.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-02 09:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-08-02 07:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
While I found this story amusing and funny, I can't have sympathy for you. You knew the stipulations with AMEX before you used the card and I'm a firm believer in that if you can't afford it then you don't need it.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-08-02 06:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck the corporate world!
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-08-02 04:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does the company you work for start with a pf?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-08-02 04:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, great use of language. Very witty.
Doesn't seem like you won much of a victory though, I mean you're still massivley in debt and your company is still gonna look at you and think "wow, he got massivley in debt on his company card" which isn't going to look all that great to whoever does departmental budget. Or maybe they won't care at all, I don't know.
I don't really see how you've been that big a dick either. I mean dickly behaviour means overtly fucking someone over. Then again, people who do overtly fuck people over rarely say "hey, I fuck people over", they tend to try to justify it and offer up excuses and generally lie to themselves.
Makes you think.
Anyway, you didn't do that. So maybe it's more asinine behaviour that we're on about here? I don't know, I'm not an expert.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-08-02 03:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for again a good story. Good luck if you need that...but it seems you have good facts, they work better then luck.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2007-08-02 03:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i forget if ive rated this or not but i liked it
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2007-08-02 02:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Echoes (user info) at 2007-08-01 23:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you love it when people are "just doing their job"?
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'I was just following orders' has never been an acceptable excuse. ;)
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-02 02:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By practice of courtesy, if you take a king off his throne and a bum off the street, switch their clothes and their places, you can still tell which one is the king and which is the bum.
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If I was drunk and/or stoned, I picture the above line confusing the hell out of me. I don't know why this thought occurred to me, it just did.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-08-02 00:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AMEX is pretty damn cool...but fuck these bitches, seriously.q
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-08-02 00:38:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I request a follow-up on what happens.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-08-01 23:35:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Domenad tells AMEX to shine his knob!
Submitted by Echoes (user info) at 2007-08-01 23:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you love it when people are "just doing their job"?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-08-01 23:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Exxxxxxcellent! Laughed my ass off. Glad you're still around, man.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-08-01 23:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaa
needs more ownage
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-01 23:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-08-01 23:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Which car company do you work for?
A MAJOR one.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-01 23:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next on the to-do list: Default on your car note and take out British Columbia.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-01 23:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA