My laptop is jesus (1164 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 1.08 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hooli (View user info) at 2007-08-06 04:01:22 EDT
Sometime early this morning, I routinely powered up my laptop, only to be greeted ominously by the hard drive making alarming, ghastly, grunting sounds. Deciding it would probably be tolerable, I employed my finest ignorance, and left it to boot-up. 10 grinds, 4 howls, 6 crunches and 2 splutters later, I realized the horror of the situation - my precious laptop was no more.
I turned it off for an hour and tried again, same deal.
There was only one thing for it.... FIX IT!
Being the accomplished engineer that I am, I used a carving knife to remove the screws keeping the laptop whole, and prized the hard drive from the mechanical womb I uncovered. That is as far as my repair plans took me, and I sat there looking at the shiney metal box that I'd clumsily removed from the inner sanctum of the machine just a few minutes earlier. Surely turning the laptop on would provide me with some visual clue to the malfunction, I thought, rather despairingly. Pressing the power-on button, and preparing myself for the tomb of useful information which was about to unveil itself to me, I watched as the pathetic lump quivered and gurgled in my hand like an overdosing heroin addict - revealing nothing of its mysterious fate. Dumbfounded, I began to realize that not only was the hard disk well and truly defective, but that I'd spent the past ten minutes only to come to the conclusion that I seriously lacked the expertise to correct it.
Only one thing for it; I gave it a few good twats, hoping that I could knock it back into functioning correctly. In my mind, somewhere in the working parts, a small metallic component had lodged itself against another metallic component, and a few light headbutts would separate them, and all would be right as rain.
Didn't work....... un-be-fucking-lievable.
I put the laptop back together again and proceeded to enjoy a mundane Sunday with no pornography or copyright infringing music to brighten my existence. Six hours after discovering the problem, I decide a trip to PC World was on the cards and, after umm'ing and arr'ing, decide on a replacement computer and arrange delivery for early next week.
Since returning, I tried roughly 16 billion times to start the laptop, halfheartedly hoping for a miraculous change in circumstance - yet the same outcome occurred time after time.
Begrudgingly, I accepted the passing of the computer hardware and began to come to terms with the fact that my hands would never again type at it's keyboard, or unskillfully operate its inane pointing device. "One more for the road", I thought, and depressed the power-on button - listening intently for the inevitable grinding from the offending hard disk. Silence prevailed.
LO-AND-BEHOLD THE FUCKER WORKED.
How can this happen? Did the laptop know of its imminent destruction? Was it toying with me? Are Samsung out to wreak havoc on my Sunday entertainment?
NO - MY LAPTOP IS THE REINCARNATION OF THE SON OF GOD.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS RISEN, AND HE'S A SLIMLINE SAMSUNG LAPTOP WITH A FAULTY HEADPHONE SOCKET AND SPUNK ENCRUSTED KEYBOARD.
ALL HAIL!
User Reviews
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-08 15:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Great title, the post was ok.
Submitted by Hooli (user info) at 2007-08-08 14:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"...and I will most certainly be using this line - "I employed my finest ignorance" - I love employing my finest ignorance!"
Who doesn't.
Glad you enjoyed this, can't be as much as I enjoyed the actual events - saved me £500.
Coming soon to an ubersite near you.... tales of football (soccer) hooliganism. Stay tuned.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-08 11:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-08-08 11:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For a 1st post this was very entertaining.
...and I will most certainly be using this line - "I employed my finest ignorance" - I love employing my finest ignorance!
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-07 02:40:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so true
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-06 21:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-06 20:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JOG ON!!
Ignore Beeltea, he's just working through some gender issues at the moment.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-08-06 17:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show.
Welcome.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-08-06 16:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mine's the anti-christ, we should get them together before I completely lose my patience and beat the damn thing to death with a mallet
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-08-06 15:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
1. Never turn that laptop off.
2. sounds like you need one of theese: http://www.memorysuppliers.com/usbpomiva.html
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2007-08-06 15:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So what's up? Is Jesus naked there?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-06 14:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-06 09:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
welcome to uber. this was okay.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-08-06 13:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i loved this
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-06 12:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how dare you defile the name of engineers.
+2 Noob.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-08-06 12:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your laptop is gay?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-06 09:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
welcome to uber. this was okay.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:18:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-06 13:16:30 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
I like hot fuzz better. I thought SOTD went on for a bit too long. Simon Peg is so good.
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Heresy! Watch Spaced if you haven't already done so. You will not be disappointed.
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Got the Dvds. And I loved the episodes of black books that he was in.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:18:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-06 13:16:30 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus, what manner of backwater do you live in!?! Hot Fuzz was fucking great. Not as good as SOTD though.
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I like hot fuzz better. I thought SOTD went on for a bit too long. Simon Peg is so good.
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Heresy! Watch Spaced if you haven't already done so. You will not be disappointed.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus, what manner of backwater do you live in!?! Hot Fuzz was fucking great. Not as good as SOTD though.
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I like hot fuzz better. I thought SOTD went on for a bit too long. Simon Peg is so good.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-08-06 13:12:44 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like drinkin', Progr3ss.
Had me some SoCo w/ Lime Juice the other night on ice. I was trying to get the neighbor chick all sloushed.
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SOCO? FUCKING SOCO? YOU FAGGOT! They're trying to make us call it SoCo over here too. What's wrong with Southern Comfort? IT IS NOT HARD TO SAY.
GRRAAAAAA.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-08-06 13:08:48 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Can I get, any of you cunts, a drink?
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Yeah, boyyyeee!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like drinkin', Progr3ss.
Had me some SoCo w/ Lime Juice the other night on ice. I was trying to get the neighbor chick all sloushed.
It didn't work.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So many adjectives, so poorly used. And then, "its inane pointing device" made Mr. Webster just want to punch you in the face. Hard. Several times.
If words were meat, you'd make a great butcher.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...proceeded to enjoy a mundane Sunday with no pornography or copyright infringing music to brighten my existence."
THE HORROR!
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can I get, any of you cunts, a drink?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Being the accomplished engineer that I am, I used a carving knife to remove the screws..."
That did it for me...
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-06 13:06:50 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Never herd anyone down here saying that, but being the clever person I am, I know that one.
I live in a village much like the one in hot fuzz. Pity me.
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Jesus, what manner of backwater do you live in!?! Hot Fuzz was fucking great. Not as good as SOTD though.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:00:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-06 12:58:38 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Hooli (user info) at 2007-08-06 07:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
comments appreciated, first time I've done any writing in a few years - maybe I'm trying to over complicate things.
Twat - is often used here in Britain as the act of striking someone/something.
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I live in Britain and only use it as an insult. But I live in Cornwall so the vocabulary is kind of limited. Farmers ftw.
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I've only ever heard it up North. Can also be used to describe how drunk you are 'I am totally twatted mate, take me home!'
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Never herd anyone down here saying that, but being the clever person I am, I know that one.
I live in a village much like the one in hot fuzz. Pity me.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-06 08:00:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-06 12:58:38 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Hooli (user info) at 2007-08-06 07:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
comments appreciated, first time I've done any writing in a few years - maybe I'm trying to over complicate things.
Twat - is often used here in Britain as the act of striking someone/something.
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I live in Britain and only use it as an insult. But I live in Cornwall so the vocabulary is kind of limited. Farmers ftw.
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I've only ever heard it up North. Can also be used to describe how drunk you are 'I am totally twatted mate, take me home!'
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-06 07:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Hooli (user info) at 2007-08-06 07:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
comments appreciated, first time I've done any writing in a few years - maybe I'm trying to over complicate things.
Twat - is often used here in Britain as the act of striking someone/something.
---------
I live in Britain and only use it as an insult. But I live in Cornwall so the vocabulary is kind of limited. Farmers ftw.
Submitted by Hooli (user info) at 2007-08-06 07:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
comments appreciated, first time I've done any writing in a few years - maybe I'm trying to over complicate things.
Twat - is often used here in Britain as the act of striking someone/something.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-06 07:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-06 12:32:53 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
"I gave it a few good twats" Last time I checked twat couldn't be used in that context. Inlighten me into what the fuck you're on about.
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Twat can either be slang for a vageen or for hitting something.
I kind of agree with BLT on this, having read it again. You don't need that many adjectives.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-06 07:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I gave it a few good twats" Last time I checked twat couldn't be used in that context. Inlighten me into what the fuck you're on about.
Other then the weird language it was pretty good.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-06 06:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm terribly sorry for this -2. But I do have a reason:
"Sometime early this morning, I routinely powered up my laptop, only to be greeted ominously by the hard drive making alarming, ghastly, grunting sounds. Deciding it would probably be tolerable, I employed my finest ignorance, and left it to boot-up. 10 grinds, 4 howls, 6 crunches and 2 splutters later, I realized the horror of the situation - my precious laptop was no more."
Is it just me, or are the noobs trying too hard to use inaccessible language?
It doesn't matter if you sound "smart". It only matters if we understand you; or better yet, follow you...
"I routinely powered up my laptop"... Right away that's crap. Why is it crap? Don't ask me; it just is. It sounds too fabricated. Keep in mind using four syllable words doesn't make you a decent writer.
Sorry for this neg 2, but I'm tired of this shit.
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2007-08-06 06:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked.
Submitted by badglobe (user info) at 2007-08-06 05:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story well told. :D Welcome!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-06 05:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. Welcome to uber.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-06 05:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool!! Oh and my spelling is dreadful, I blame weeed and an early morning in work
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-08-06 05:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-06 05:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what, I thnk im going to have to take it into a PC shop as I have no remaining driver disks and I am convinced if I touched it, the thing world explode!!
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Well I doubt that would happen, try downloading some realtek sound drivers.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-06 05:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what, I thnk im going to have to take it into a PC shop as I have no remaining driver disks and I am convinced if I touched it, the thing world explode!!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-06 05:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what, I thnk im going to have to take it into a PC shop as I have no remaining drivers and I am convinced if I touched it, the thing world explode!!
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-08-06 05:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you have any problems, I found his phone number:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/108392
Call him. For warranty purposes, of course.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-08-06 04:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Idiots guide to fixing a defective harddrive,
Step one: remove hardrive from machine, replace hardrive in machine, see if it works.
Step two: remove hardrive from machine, place in freezer bag and put in freezer overnight.
No, really. Then put it back in and see if it works.
Step three: give it a good wack or three......you were on the right lines with your headbutt hypothesis.
All of those are real, often successful, ways to fix a hardrive. Honestly.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-08-06 04:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try reinstalling your sound drivers, and a good rule of thumb is to keep all the sub volume level at max and only adjust the master.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-06 04:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have fiddled with those volume controls till my heads exploded, I am thinking either the speakers are fecked or there is some form of conflict, grrrrr.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-08-06 04:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-06 04:35:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I knew why my speakers wouldn't work!
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Check that the master volume is up as well as the "Wave" volume, check your sound drivers as well.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-06 04:35:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I knew why my speakers wouldn't work!