Drear Diary (618 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.59 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ilikesteak (View user info) at 2007-08-13 16:32:16 EDT
I got a letter today. Jamie says my kid is doing fine, but is having a little trouble adjusting without me around. She found somebody new. Apparently this was only a "for better" relationship. I could have sworn those vows mentioned for worse in there somewhere, but it doesn't matter now.
It's been two weeks since the last letter. They've held it for me for the time I was "incapacitated." Since when were they calling being beaten by a guard after I pull a guy about to stab him away "incapacitated". Spent a week in the hospital. My ribs have healed, and nobody's going to notice the crack in my skull. Should have let him get stabbed. The letter says I owe her money. I wish her the best of luck getting it from me here.
It's been a few months since I've gotten my last letter. Apparently I'm not "gang material" so the black panthers aren't going to be nice for a while, but they havn't killed me, because if I hadn't pulled that guy off they guard, he'd have gotten the chair. Jamie wrote that the kid has a "drug problem" and it's my fault. Since when was I the scapegoat for her problems?
It's been a year to the day I got in, and I've recieved another letter. My kid is beyond help with whatever it's addicted to. Jamie's on welfare. My replacement is "abusive" but she's keeping him because he's her "baby daddy." Nothing she's got to say will replace the fact that I'm in here. I'd give anything to have her problems. None of these problems affect me, and I just can't bring myself to care anymore.
I've quit keeping track of how long I've been in here. It doesn't matter anyway. Nothing would ever be the same, even if I did get out. People would look, know, and stare. Mothers would bring their children inside when I go out for a walk. I'm looked upon as an animal. I don't know why Jamie sent this letter. I've never responded to any of them, and she's never come to see me. The kid is dead. Shot itself in the head. I keep referring to it as "it" because she's never told me the name. They put me in here before it was born. I've missed so many birthdays and moments. Jamie found a way to tell me goodbye once and for all. She mailed me her suicide note. My replacement was killed with his own beer bottle. His child lay screaming in the next room. She went with the "45 to the temple" option. She hated things being unclean, so this must be her way of saying she wasn't going to clean up the mess anymore.
They're releasing me today. I havn't forgotten anything. I missed the outside so badly. I need a way to remember what I learned in here, but at the same time, I don't want to remember any of this.
Editor: That is sooooo not how it happened. I can't publish this.
Martha: Yes it is.
Editor: There's no way this is getting past me. You made all this up!
Martha: You won't even keep the part where I shanked a bitch because she was looking at my jello funny?
Editor: No.
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-25 13:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This fucking rocked.
Submitted by Jacque (user info) at 2007-09-25 13:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You disgust me to the point of thinking groin kicking a nun sounds fun.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-08-14 09:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good boy, have a cookie.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-14 09:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In the corner of my cell was an arrangement I created using oilet paper rolls. At night I secretly bled my cellmate, just little amounts at a time, to provide the brilliant red of the flowers. I needed green and the gaurds wouldn't allow me anything green with which to use so in a moment of inspiration I realised I needed to drink as much of the purple cool aid as I could. Then, once it'd had some time to stew a little I produced the perfect kelly green poop and was thus able to finish my arrangement, to bring some color into my drab cell. My cellmate loved it and never did figure out where the little cuts were coming from. thankfully, being the refined woman that I am my feces smells of lavender and periwinkle thus providing both the color and a refreshing scent to liven up our cell.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-08-14 09:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-08-14 08:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by CarterPFly (user info) at 2007-08-14 04:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ubersite confuses me, this was piss poorly written but people seem to love it?
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Uber's an odd forum in that sense. A lot is hit and miss...but generally speaking, content is weighted more heavily than presentation/format, in my opinion.
There were some holes in the story, but steak addressed that below (he morphed his original idea in mid-stream). And diary format does lend itself to capturing a reader's attention, probably because it's inherently interesting for most people to get a glimpse at the inside of another person's head.
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-08-14 04:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. Even if you hadn't had the twist at the end with Martha Stuart I still would have liked it.
Good Post.
Submitted by CarterPFly (user info) at 2007-08-14 04:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ubersite confuses me, this was piss poorly written but people seem to love it?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-08-14 03:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-13 19:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-13 18:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-13 18:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-13 18:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now do Paris Hilton
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-13 17:44:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how dare you talk about prison life
YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-13 17:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-13 17:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome title.
P.S. Yours is much better than mine, and no, I'm not going to link it
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-08-13 17:14:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-08-13 17:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-13 17:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-13 16:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, you doofus.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-08-13 16:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm.... there is some charm here..
although how Martha could be anyone's daddy, I don't know.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2007-08-13 16:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok, I liked it... call me sick
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-08-13 16:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I forgot the origional idea, which rocked, but this was what I came up with while trying to remember it. Still rocks.