Adore. (536 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.7 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by earth_collapse (View user info) at 2007-08-13 23:25:33 EDT
Jonathan inserted an IV into her carotid artery, slowly allowing the liquid from the IV to flow intravenously by means of a mechanical pump. He opened her eye-lids, inspecting her corneas which were a cloudy green - a sea-fog green - calm and gentle, almost bewitching. Though pale, she still held a natural vibrance - she remained beautiful even now.
He dipped a cloth in a soapy water, and ringing it, brought it to her skin, delicately running it across her legs, her stomach, her chest, and last, her face, to which he stopped. He noticed the contours, the structure of her cheek bones, her nose, her eyes and her chin that were complimented by a smooth and firm jaw-line. He noticed her lips, the fullness, how naturally beautiful and complex they were. He observed the lines, the patchwork, and the uniqueness of her complexion, something he might have overlooked if she had been anyone else.
He dried her with a towel and began to massage her, flexing her legs and her arms, rubbing the skin and loosening the muscles, allowing the fluid to circulate through-out her body. He felt the smoothness, the almost velvet-like softness of her skin, and he caressed her just as gently. He felt the firmness of her breasts, and the tightness of her stomach, and ran his hands over and down her legs.
He then raised a scalpel from its metallic tray and brought the blade above her navel. He caringly lowered it to her flesh, hovering the knife while staring down at the incision site.
There had always been something visceral about this moment in particular, something more intimate and passionate than the rest - something he could never exactly place. But whatever he was feeling, he slid the knife into her stomach.
He was surprised by how effortlessly the blade entered the skin, even though he had done this many times before. And unlike most, repetition had never diminished the experience, and if anything, enhanced it. He saw it as a drug, and this was as much a high as he had ever known.
He carried the incision further, gradually separating more skin, and whether or not he looked forward to this moment he was unsure, but now that he had begun the procedure, it almost made him feel a sense of tranquility; at least as close to the emotion as he could describe.
Maybe it was more, but Jonathan finished the two-inch incision across her stomach, and placed the scalpel back on its resting tray. He wiped away the excess blood with gauze, and inspected the cut; a perfectly straight and even line. He felt pride for how delicately he had performed the incision, for how considerate and compassionate he was, not that it really mattered, at least not to anyone else.
She was beautiful; this corpse, this shell of a human being that existed now only in memory, in a past which seemed as distant as the stars. But to Jonathan she was more, she was animate, her body was alive, and he cared for her, he adored her. No one else would come as close to her as now, and he was sure of it, because he would also be the last.
User Reviews
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2007-08-14 20:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah, Zebra, I didn't and don't think you're full of shit.
They were decent criticisms, but I felt I needed to respond - that is all.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-08-14 16:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahaha
The reveal for me was that he was JUST an embalmer, and not someone a little more, shall we say, nefarious?
I cut my review down so as not to be so fucking long winded, but an example of what I was thinking was something like his actual spoken thoughts, like when people talk to themselves while they work (either aloud or in their heads), with a reminiscence or two or even a flashback as to how he became a person whose only loves are dead.
Like something between him and a living girl which could parallel the current 'girlfriend' on the slab. I just wanted some of the 'why', I suppose.
But I realize that's a completely different direction.
Otherwise, +2 for having a decent conversation about it even when you think I'm full of shit.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-08-14 14:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2007-08-14 14:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting idea.
Might be better if it was longer and included some internal monologue hinting at the psychology of the character. Something like that could even hide the reveal a bit better and even build a little suspense.
But that may not be the direction you wanted to take.
______________________________________________
While I appreciate you commenting, there are a couple things I'd like to respond to.
There is internal dialogue - his thoughts that are conveyed by the writer.
This was meant to be void of suspense, at least in the typical conflict/resolution conundrum.
It was more of a riddle, trying to find out exactly what he's doing. And if it's not clear that he's an emblamer, then I don't know what else I could have wrote without expressly stating that.
Not to attack you.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-08-14 12:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cold Ethel
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting idea.
Might be better if it was longer and included some internal monologue hinting at the psychology of the character. Something like that could even hide the reveal a bit better and even build a little suspense.
But that may not be the direction you wanted to take.
Submitted by Dolson (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:12:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's you that I adore
you'll always be my whore
you'll be the mother to my child
and a child to my heart
we must never be apart
we must never be apart
lovely girl you're the beauty in my world
without you there aren't reasons left to find
and I'll pull your crooked teeth
you'll be perfect just like me
you'll be a lover in my bed
and a gun to my head
we must never be apart
we must never be apart
in you I see dirty
in you I count stars
in you I feel so pretty
in you I taste god
in you I feel so hungry
in you I crash cars
we must never be apart
drinking mercury
to the mystery of all that you should ever seek to find
lovely girl you're the murder in my wrold
dressing coffins for the souls I've left behind
in time
we must never be apart
and you'll always be my whore
cause you're the one that i adore
and I'll pull your crooked teeth
you'll be perfect just like me
in you I feel so dirty in you I crash cars
in you I feel so pretty in you I taste god
we must never be apart
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-14 09:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-14 09:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the wrap up took this to a totally different place than i thought it was headed. I too support actual creative writing
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-08-14 06:48:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll +2 this mainly for the writing and also because I agree with wompom. A bit of medical research might be useful if so much of the story hinges on that aspect. Well done in the overall, though. Why was your main character making the well-described incision?
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-08-14 04:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great descriptions. Really good.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2007-08-14 02:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Intriguing to read. I liked all the descriptions and how you used them; I could really visualize the story.
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-08-14 00:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 solely because there hasn't been enough creative writing on ubersite recently and I intend to support whatever form of it that comes around.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-08-14 00:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than just okay.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-08-14 00:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just okay