Becoming a Man - MILF style (1823 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.16 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SunnyG (View user info) at 2007-08-14 09:42:00 EDT
I was always a shy lad. Ladies would crush on me in high school and I would be the one blushing and giggling to my friends. Yeah, I was that guy.
I was always the favourite of all the parents in my group of friends. You know, the one friend you have over at your house, and after he leaves your folks look at you with disgust and say, "Why can't you be more like him?". Ironically my parents saw a few of my friends in the same light.
There comes a point in every man's life when he crosses the threshold from adolescence into manhood. For me, I had the privilege of entering this phase at the tender age of 16, before I knew the warmth of a woman's body. And by woman I mean other 16 year old sluts.
Mark's mom was hot, however a bit of a butter-face. I always eyed her closely in an effort to etch the image of her beautiful DDs into my brain and add it to the spank bank. To this day my friends, she remains in the glossary of my spank bank, to be used only when all other options are exhausted. I digress.
We decided to go up to Mark's boat for the weekend and party. At this age, we used to sneak shots of rum, maybe have a couple, and sit around like we were king shit. Oh 16 year olds can be funny, can't they?
After much begging to my parents they let me go, for you see, "We can't trust white people, I'll have to make sure Mark's parents will be there. Or someone is gonna get a hurt real bad.". It is sad how a Russel Peters comic routine sums up my life.
The condition was: I had to call them that night.
We arrived there around 8 p.m., and started "drinking". We were on the top section of the boat, Mark's mom on the bottom section with some lady friends. Around midnight, we decided we should head out on the town and see what trouble we could get into.
We were halfway down the dock when I realized I hadn't phoned my parents.
Shit
"Guys, I'll catch up, I gotta run back and call my mom"
This was met with questioning of my sexual preference, and inquiries as to whether I had female genitalia or not.
I walked into the bottom section of his boat to use the cell phone my Dad gave me to call him, and I saw Mark's mom sitting down on the couch with a glass of wine...alone. Her friends had gone, and she was obviously ready for bed.
"Obviously ready for bed? But Sunny, how would you know that?", you might ask.
I knew because she was wearing short shorts and a tank top that just could contain her melons.
That's how.
She looked up at me and smiled.
"Hey, Sunny. Where are the guys?"
"They...drink...town...midnight", I tried to form a cohesive sentence, but it sounded like a retarded monkey trying to speak Punjabi.
I guess she realized I had been looking down her shirt, as I wasn't exactly a ninja about it. She began to giggle at this, and I realized that the bottle of wine next to her was about half empty. Or half full, who knows.
I composed myself
This isn't a porn movie, jackass. Go make the phone call, get the hell outta here before you pass out from dehydration because you've been drooling so fucking much
"I just gotta make a phone call and I'll be out of your hair", I said.
I called my parents in the other room, who were relieved I was ok and not an ornament in an untrustworthy non-Indian's house.
I walked back to the other room to let myself out, and I saw Mark's mom silently weeping.
What the FUCK am I supposed to do now? Ok, be cool. Do what you do every time you see women cry; slowly walk away
Alas her beauty kept me from walking away, and I showed some concern.
"Er...Ms. Martin, are you ok?"
She looked slightly embarrassed for having me catch her crying.
"Sorry dear. I'm ok..."
"Um...what's wrong?", I asked. I really didn't want to know, it seemed the right thing to do.
"It's just...being here alone. Since my husband left, I haven't had anyone to talk to."
Mark's Dad has always been a touchy subject. A subject we all knew to avoid like the plague.
I didn't know what to do, so I thought to myself, "If I were on TV, what would I do?". I sat down next to her and put my arm around her. I timidly tapped her on the back.
"It's ok...I'm sure you'll meet someone".
She began to pour her heart out.
What the hell are my friends doing, they should be looking for me damnit!
Then the most incredible thing happened. She put her hand on my thigh. I had no idea how to react. She didn't do it in a sexual way, just as a 'Thanks for listening' kind of grab.
Houston, we have lift-off
You wanna know what she was? I can't rate her from 1-10, but I can tell ya this; she was 0 to boner in less than 15 seconds.
I tried to calm the situation down.
George Bush, Richard Nixon, dead horse, gutted fish, sprouts, Physics teacher
My efforts were in vain. She saw my rising pride, and her hand bumped against it.
Was that on purpose or accidental? What the hell? It seems like it was - ok that was on purpose
I did what any terrified 16 year old would do in that situation. I grabbed her breasts like radio knobs and went to town like I was finding the weather station. She seemed to like it.
I heard a creak outside.
If there is anything more terrifying than messing around with your friend's mom, it's getting caught messing around with your friend's mom.
"Sorry Ms. Martin but I gotta go!"
She looked at me all confused, and I got up and bolted from the room. I ran and I ran, looking around for my friends.
"Hey, Sunny, where you goin?", came a voice.
It was Mark.
"Dude, we just found this bush party with all these people, sorry it took us so long to get ya...but we starting doing chug races"
I looked at him flustered, still thinking about his mom's breasts, and realizing that Mark had his momma's eyes.
"YEAH, shoulda came sooner! I was wondering where you guys went".
I never looked at Mark's mom the same again. In fact, I made a point never to be in the same room alone with her.
Oh, and where did the creaking sound come from?
Mark has a cat.
I hate cats.
User Reviews
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-17 00:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-08-16 11:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stud
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Well disco Stu certainly tries :D
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-08-16 11:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stud
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-14 19:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Forgive me, I was young and stupid.
Note the filename.
Submitted by besrox (user info) at 2007-08-14 19:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by big_spliff_smoker (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should of fucked her, then told your mate you fucked his mum, and use it against him whenever you argue. Or just bring it up for the fuck of it, like when your mate asks 'what did you do last, night?' Tou can say'Oh, not much. (insert kids Mum's name) came round, I done her doggy style due to the fucking her ugliness of her 'butter face' and then tossed her out onto the street.
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gotta fully agree...thats one of those things u can hold against ur friends for the rest of their lives, hell even if u guys dont stay friends, move away, and only run into each other one time lik 20yrs later, u can still fuck with ur friends head by saying "hey, remember that time i fucked ur mom? yeah that was funny...ur moms a slut"
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-08-14 19:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-14 16:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-08-14 12:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I am about to save you thousands of dollars. Thus: At the hardware store, in the electrical section, back by the coils of Romex, they will sell you a liter-sized bottle of silicon/water based "pulling lubricant" which is normally used for fishing electrical wires through conduit. It's the same stuff as the Astroglide you know and love, but it costs $5 for the bottle. Go ahead; take the rest of the day off.
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hahaha
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2007-08-14 16:03:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
she was 0 to boner in less than 15 seconds
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Nicely done, and THIS made me laugh.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-14 15:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-14 15:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
liked the concept...needed more execution
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-08-14 15:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-14 14:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-14 16:54:18 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by big_spliff_smoker (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should of fucked her, then told your mate you fucked his mum, and use it against him whenever you argue. Or just bring it up for the fuck of it, like when your mate asks 'what did you do last, night?' Tou can say'Oh, not much. (insert kids Mum's name) came round, I done her doggy style due to the fucking her ugliness of her 'butter face' and then tossed her out onto the street.
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best review ever.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-14 14:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-08-14 13:09:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. LIE, but a fun read.
2. "Mark has his moms eyes" was quite disturbing and did not help the gay doubt
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I threw that in there for a bit of a homosexual undertone. Just to keep you guessing.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-08-14 13:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-08-14 13:09:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. LIE, but a fun read.
2. "Mark has his moms eyes" was quite disturbing and did not help the gay doubt.
3. INSTANT +2 for rum.
Rummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-08-14 12:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
worth a chuckle.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-08-14 12:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I am about to save you thousands of dollars. Thus: At the hardware store, in the electrical section, back by the coils of Romex, they will sell you a liter-sized bottle of silicon/water based "pulling lubricant" which is normally used for fishing electrical wires through conduit. It's the same stuff as the Astroglide you know and love, but it costs $5 for the bottle. Go ahead; take the rest of the day off.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by big_spliff_smoker (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should of fucked her, then told your mate you fucked his mum, and use it against him whenever you argue. Or just bring it up for the fuck of it, like when your mate asks 'what did you do last, night?' Tou can say'Oh, not much. (insert kids Mum's name) came round, I done her doggy style due to the fucking her ugliness of her 'butter face' and then tossed her out onto the street.
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best review ever.
Submitted by big_spliff_smoker (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should of fucked her, then told your mate you fucked his mum, and use it against him whenever you argue. Or just bring it up for the fuck of it, like when your mate asks 'what did you do last, night?' Tou can say'Oh, not much. (insert kids Mum's name) came round, I done her doggy style due to the fucking her ugliness of her 'butter face' and then tossed her out onto the street.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't believe you, this would never happen, etc. etc. blah blah blah
I could get a better response just by naming it fiction. Doesn't matter though. I grabbed boobies!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It DID read like a bad porno, but +1 for the unexpected ending.
your loss and sad but it makes a funny tail
I saw my friend's hot mom's breasts one day though she didn't really do anything to hide them. mmm hot mommies.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
scourge doesn't buy this story
Submitted by fidelcity (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:42:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
except no!
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nice
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It DID read like a bad porno, but +1 for the unexpected ending.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the stairs on the boat man...they creak when someone is going down them. Yeah i realize it was probably the water.
Submitted by Newty (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:28:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Do what you do every time you see women cry; slowly walk away.." Well THAT won't get you laid..
A cat on a boat? I'd be more inclined to think the creaking was the boat. Cats don't cause creaks so much, you know? THIS STORY IS RIDDLED WITH HOLES.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm just the phone guy!
not that there's anything wrong with that!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Based on the first 4 paragraphs, it's rather apparent that you're gay.
NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
Except, in this case.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment