Here on Ibitus 412N (part 2) (482 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.63 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nicballs (View user info) at 2007-08-14 10:29:41 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/110936
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It seems that boredom has gotten the best of us. Or at least, one of us.
L2 Group Ensign Gladlock decided he wanted to know just what this alien race wanted with our fluid waste (they've been harvesting our piss for weeks now, and all the while we've been kept quite healthy). He talked one of his buddies from training quarter into breaking one of his fingers, so that he might be transported to another part of the containment complex for medical assistance.
This of course, was assuming that our captors knew anything of human anatomy or for that matter true medical care.
Apparently it worked. After Gladlock convinced his one of his subordinates to snap his pinky finger 'like a graphite stick', the ensuing cry of pain (yes, it was quite authentic, I'd say) brought one of the guards straight to our holding cell. Gladlock was given the once over by the ET guard and was set on a long-ish gurney sort of mechanism on which he was rolled out of our view.
About 20 minutes went by before we saw him again. Amazingly, he had returned to us with his finger in perfect shape, bone healed and everything. There weren't even any calcium deposits that we could feel through his skin, indicating some sort of synthetic healing of his human bone.
After he was returned to us, we sat him down to hear his story about what the other annexes of this prison were like.
"I can't believe what I just saw," were his first words to us.
"First I was brought to a sort of elevator that was shaped like a Tarlan fighter but ultra-thin. It was like, powered by light or something. Very strange. Anyway, after a trip on that thing I was rolled through a a few partitions where I saw exactly what these things...these...creatures...are doing with our shit."
Of course, by shit he meant the purplish, sludgy, stinky piss our captors have been clamoring for during our stay here.
"At one point I was able to see through a glass-net sort of wall into a chamber where there must have been at least 50 of these ET's all huddled around a huge kind of crystal. It must have been at least 8 feet tall with rounded edges jutting out in all directions. Very bizarre, man."
Gladlock was flexing his hand while he spoke, still in amazement of how quickly they had repaired his finger.
"Anyway - one of them approached the crystal with a container of our shit and started pouring it on top. Then they all just stood there, completely still just like statues. Like they were waiting for something."
I knew everything he was saying was genuine. The size of his eyes as he talked was testament to this.
"As our piss came down on the crystal it started melting it. The fumes coming from it began to fill that room and it was then that the ET's just started going fucking BONKERS! I mean, they were shaking, flailing, smacking each other, I think I even saw a few fucking each other."
We were all transfixed on his story at this point.
"I didn't get to see anything else. The put my hand under this sort of lamp device which instantly reset and healed everything. I swear guys, the technology in this place is un-fucking-real."
Someone in the back announced, "Fuck man, I'm breaking my wrist. I wanna see that shit."
I told him he wasn't breaking anything and that we're going to find a way out of here. Exactly how that's to be done is my job to come up with but something has to give. I'll not have 48 of my best soldiers kept here just to piss in cups for some fucked up alien race.
Until my next entry.
Astron, out.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It seems that boredom has gotten the best of us. Or at least, one of us. "
I read this as that one of them had died. It confused me no end when I reached the end and everybody was still alive.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-18 04:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The way these are written kind of reminds me of this series...yeah so it took more effort than none to find the series I was thinking about...but, it was a compliment.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-15 13:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-08-15 10:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-08-15 08:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Zeglamancer:
"After Gladlock convinced his one of his subordinates to snap his pinky finger 'like a graphite stick'..."
This sentence is admittedly confusing. The 'his' here does refer to Gladlock. I meant to say something like, "After Gladlock convinced one of his subordinates to snap Gladlock's pinky finger", implying that Gladlock couldn't do it himself.
Thanks for your points. I'll take them into account in writing today's addition.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2007-08-15 02:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found this hard to follow as it seemed every other paragraph it was a diffrent person with the broken finger.
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Heh. Well, I followed that part. Just, you know, watch your clarity when writing regarding pronouns. Like someone else mentioned, maybe some defined characters can help that out.
Good continuation.
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-08-14 23:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.) Watch Repetition. All though since it was from the point of view of a common grunt soldier you can play off that and just have us assume this is some average guy and his vocab revolves around this sort of thing.
2.) It seems to me the aliens use the human piss as some sort of recreational drug when combined with these crystals. Very nice, I like it.
3.) This story needs a Shlongy. A rich asshole alien who buys up all the piss and uses it to romance other aliens' wives. Eventually an alien civil war is fought when Shlongy buys planet earth and keeps all the piss for himself.
4.) I feel the lack of defined characters in this story, let alone them having dialogue with each other is hurting the story. So far we have Astron and Ensign Gladlock.
Also in the beginning of the story it says gladlock convinces his buddy to break a finger, a few paragraphs later its a subordinate, and even further down after a paragraph of describing the base by the wounded soldier is this line "Gladlock was flexing his hand while he spoke, still in amazement of how quickly they had repaired his finger." which indicates it was Ensign Gladlock who had the broken finger. I found this hard to follow as it seemed every other paragraph it was a diffrent person with the broken finger.
I do not mean to insult you or tear you down. I really like the story so far and will continue reading it. Just constructive criticism I guess =D
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-14 16:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
keep going
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-08-14 13:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MIND FLAYERS!!!!!!
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-08-14 12:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-14 12:29:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i've read them both
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2007-08-14 12:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this could be interesting.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-08-14 12:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
keep it up
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like Barry said, watch the repetition. But keep it going!
*cue suspenseful music* WHAT IS IN THE CRYSTAL?!?!?! *music to fade*
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I regret naming my character Astron but it's a bit too late now. Unless of course I kill him off...hmm...
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good series, but Astron is not very original. Surely if you could think of this concept you could come up with something more original than ASSTRON. Fuck christ I believe you are the best noob and biggest numbskull.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-14 11:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the concept and I do appreciate and celebrate new fiction on Uber. BUT.
some of the repition in this was, well, repetitive. They took our shit and dumped our shit on the crystle and then our shit started to melt it. I dunno, there were other phrases that weren't terribly strong but overall I quite enjoyed this.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I REFUSE TO PARDON.
Submitted by fidelcity (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nicballs (user info) at 2007-08-14 10:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
pardon the few typos.