Monday with Rain (841 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.46 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fey (View user info) at 2007-08-16 05:37:52 EDT
I don't know if I can write this. I have to examine my motives, decipher my intent. If I find I'm writing this for my sake, then I will not. Am I even allowed to need a way to cope? I'm not the one suffering.
Long, empty corridors lead away from me, all the longer for being unfamiliar. If I'd been wearing heels, every step would have echoed. But I don't wear heels and the scuff of my steps isn't a carrying sound.
I arrive at a locked door, sinister in its practicality. I ring the bell, and explain my purpose to the young male nurse who arrives to answer my call. He leaves to inform her I'm here. My body is hot and light with nervousness, will she even want to see me?
I wait, watching the clock, my feet. I study the chair in the waiting area as if it were a foreign object, the thought of taking a seat an impossible one. The nurse is back, through the first sluice door, which he patiently, painstakingly, closes before moving the few steps to the door where I'm waiting.
Apparently she'd like to see me. In accordance with the rules, once past the first door I divest myself of my lighter and my mobile phone because of the inbuilt camera. He tells me to keep an eye on my valuables and we enter through the second door.
She's waiting just inside and when she sees me she bursts into fleeting tears and throws her arms around me. She's lost weight since I saw her last and her cheekbones rise in high relief against the planes of her face. Even now though, she is beautiful. Her eyes dominate her face, huge and bright blue and sad.
She isn't sick, she tells me. She's just sad, and soon she'll be out of there. The other people in there, they're sick, but she's not. Wonderful things have happened, the job offers are flooding in, she just has to wait it out a while.
She leads me to a room, furnished with only a bed. It's her room and she says it must be the tidiest in the place. I have difficulty seeing how it could be made messy, but I smile at her. We talk a little, she asks me what I've been doing and she remembers that I've bought my first pair of high heels. We laugh together, and I feel my chest constrict with sorrow.
She pulls me along and we ask to be let out, to sit outside. We'll have to be supervised, but it's a nice day, a shame to waste it. The nurse unlocks the door onto the patio and holds it open for us. We're allowed out on our own, but he's on the other side of the glass, watching.
She's telling me, telling me stories, lies, and I'm listening. I'm not nodding, not agreeing, but listening, not arguing. She does know it's not real, and she tells me so, and suddenly she's not smiling. Not uplifted, lifting, but small and tired and angry. I hold her hands, pat the feet she has in my lap, and smile though my heart is breaking. I know.
She is brilliance harnessed. I love her.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-04 04:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh jesus
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-06-04 04:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-28 18:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I begin to understand you a bit more.
At least, I think I do.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-27 19:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, ArnieGeddon , want tae fuck off and leave me out of this eh?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-27 13:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-27 12:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's the only piece that isn't fiction.
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Ah. *snaps fingers* That would be the missing link.
I often times find that nonfictional writing is much more challenging that fiction, especially in first person - when we have been through an experience that we wish to share, the overload of details and stimuli from the memories can make it incredibly difficult to pick and choose what to share and what to omit.
After all, what may seem significant to the writer, may seem trivial to the reader. Or vice versa. It's subjectivism at its purest.
All of that having been said, as I reread through this again, the afflicted lady really jumped off of the page at me. Which makes this definitely +1.5 worthy. I would probably have allotted more text for character description, but that is just my preference...it is still well written, overall.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-27 12:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Once again, Fey has made steak smile. I'm not even the smiling type.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-27 12:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's the only piece that isn't fiction.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-27 12:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmmmm....good, but something isn't sitting quite right for me with this story, and I can't put a finger on it. I'll have to come back later and reread.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-24 07:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/94657#2532944
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-24 04:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Zing!
Submitted by ArnieGeddon (user info) at 2007-09-24 04:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-23 17:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111745#2532499
I await your arrival in my neck of the telephone book with pleasure. Your insults make me smile. (I even chuckled at nordie-fjordie.)
And I figured you for an Aussie. You people just can't stand the fact that the "little sibling" NZ is just cooler, better, less poisonous and prettier than you.
---------------------------
*drums fingers....*
Okay. Firstly, we're not related. Claiming everybody *is* and using it as thinly veiled justification to sleep with your 'cuz', bro and dad - sorry 'ded', might be all the rage in your cuntry (sic) but I think you'll find outside your international waters, and with the broader global community, that sort of thing doesn't wash. like your mum. *chortle*
Secondly, in Australia we have a methane problem, caused by the livestock on great, vast cattle stations, that run the length and breadth of red sandy deserts, manned by uncompromising, steely-eyed swarthy Australian Kokoda veterans. The cattle push out vast quantities of fart molecules that brush past their poo and then release into the atmosphere. The methane breaks down to form carbon dioxide, ozone, and water, all of which absorb heat. The temperature of the atmosphere rises, and the ice caps melt.
Now, point of interest here red sonja. Your little backward backwater is, unfortunately for the author, within close geographical proximity to our exotic and great southern land. When those ice caps DO melt, you're gonna be pumping the Pacific Ocean out of your basement, once your bro has finished pumping your mum. Now you can oh and ah and shake your fist and say those Australians on their vast and great cattle stations are responsible for this, but we don't actually give a fuck, we haven't even signed off on Kyoto, and because it's only new zealand.
Conversely, your pissant little nation is quite frigid - unlike your mum. The icy winds blowing down of the frozen tundra, caused by so many sheep squeezing their vaggy-vag's and sphincters so tight that ttom wants to fashion a wallet out of one, makes your country cooler. big. fucking. deal.
Better? jesus. The last time I looked at the Webb Ellis Trophy our name appears on it twice (that's twice as many as yours). You have 4 million people, all of who are obsessed with Rugby, even your.......'women' *screws up nose*, and constantly whine that big bad old Australia has twenty million people and you guys must rock because you only have 4 and some tongans and samoans. especially in the all blecks.
Reality check Lilo. We are one of the few countries, possibly the *only* country, that plays 4 football codes. 4. And fuck me if we aren't extremely proficient at all of them. If we've got more than 500,000 registered unions players I'll make that wallet for ttom myself. And this is what irks you so. We don't even really give a fuck about rugby, we just win world cups to piss you off.
Okay, now where were we...oh yes, 'poisonous'. Grow a pair. oh wait you're from new zealand.
And prettier? Two words. Helen Clark.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've recently started on the C's and need to email Daniel Carter. Please be patient and I will endeavour to send you your insult in due course.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-13 18:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jag alskar dig
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-09-03 18:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111290#2514092
Sure. I'm a piss-poor writer, so no advice is to be taken seriously,though.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-08-30 10:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 10:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/110464
http://www.ubersite.com/m/109143
Two more attempts at being semi serious if you ever fancy reading them.
Fey, don't worry about your assumed rudeness. Being called vapid did haunt me for a while however! So many more important things in this world to worry about, but its nice to be nice and sure we will be.
Oh and as for the exclamation points, I'm on a Exclamation points anonymous course.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-08-23 02:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you a lot.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-23 01:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-22 05:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna be on this list.
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You'll be on if I ever get the time to do it properly. With all the new accounts, and older users dropping out, the database I started is obsolete. Maybe in 25 years when I retire.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-23 00:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-22 05:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lungfish!
How do I stop my keyboard from doing this> isn\t, amn\t, etc?
I seem to recall you having a similar problem.
----
Fey!
If you're using a proxy, you might change. It was the proxy I was using that was doing it. I now use www.zend2.com
I don't really want to, but I can't access Uber without it...because Bart really hates Elvis, I think.
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-21 14:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snookums, must mean you like me, huh? I know I'm only 17, but do you want to make fuck with me?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-17 09:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-08-17 03:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-08-17 02:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You added a point for pussy, didn't you?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-17 01:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-16 18:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I get patient from this, long term but meh,cool but no cigar.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-08-16 18:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't get "gay" from this - I got "grandmother" or "mother" or "aunt" type figure - although the relationship itself isn't fleshed out.
However, I don't think this was at all as terrible as Berty seems to think.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-16 14:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not gay, she's family. I apologise for imposing on you all with my weepy emo angst. Skate it off, mm? Whatever.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-16 14:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It wasn't THAT gay, plus it was good.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-16 11:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This is "too deep" and "too gay" for Shlongy but I added a point because I LOVE what you do with italics.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-08-16 11:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-16 10:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-08-16 09:40:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She is brilliance harnessed. I love her.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-08-16 07:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's all a bit "oooh, I'm gay, it's all a bit tricky!" and generally angsty.
And by that I mean that it's kind of risible and dull. Sorry.
Look, I appreciate the desire to write as much as everyone else. You've got stuff you want to exorcise and that's cool, more power to you and all that, but writing means more than weeping onto the page.
Then again they say everyone's got, like, a million crappy words they've got to get out before they can get good stuff out so I guess you should keep pounding away at us.
So, you're gay huh? That's a good thing for a girl to get into, most girls don't like anything other that oral anyway and in this modern era of advanced dildonic technology a good rogering can be bought and stored very reasonably. I don't know though, I wonder sometimes if girls go for girls because they're just scared of jism. What do you reckon?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-16 06:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My scuffs carry sound. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?