The Coming of the Messiah (Part III) (707 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.17 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SunnyG (View user info) at 2007-08-16 12:03:18 EDT
For those of you unfamiliar with the series, here are parts I and II.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86044 - Part I
http://www.ubersite.com/m/92867 - Part II
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Another lovely Sunday. I woke up around noon, absolutely thrilled at being able to be lazy for a day and not have it filled with hectic classes. I finished my lab reports and midterms, and planned on watching 'The Office' on DVD all day.
However, fate would smile upon me as my religious experiences seemed to be lacking.
There was a knock at my door.
Hmm, who could that be?
I opened the door grudgingly, ready to pummel anything that wasn't a hot girl or friend with liquor.
A man in a prim and proper suit graced me. With him, another balding man. I wondered where I had seen them before, and quickly waves of realization overcame me.
These were my saviours.
The Watchtower people.
"Good afternoon", chimed Watchtower Guy 1. Watchtower Guy 2 kept staring at me. Undoubtedly, he was fascinated by my masculine visage, so I let him indulge.
Me: Hey guys! Long time no see!
WG1: Yes, Sunny. Nice to see you again.
Me: Have you come to warn me of the impending apocalypse or tell me I'm going to hell.
WG2: *stares*
WG1: No, Sunny. But we're here to tell you something that even science fails to explain.
He said this to me in a humbling tone, as if he was carrying divine knowledge that he was privileged to share with me.
Me: Go on...
WG1: How would you like to live....forever?
Me: Oh gosh, I dunno. To be honest I was planning on killing myself before you got here and I -
WG1: Because the lord Jesus Christ and his followers will be rewarded when he comes back to earth.
Apparently he wasn't going to listen to anything I had to say. So I decided to fuck with him.
Me: It's impossible to live forever.
WG1: Actually, the lord can bless his followers with this miracle.
Me: Nuh uh
WG2: Uh huh
Me: Nuh uh
WG1: I left you with some reading material last time. Did you get a chance to read it?
Me: No. I ran out of TP so I thought I'd give it a whirl, lemme tell ya that stuff is 2-ply!
WG1: I have something more for you. When Jesus descends back from heaven -
Me: I'm a man of science.
WG1: Do you really believe science has all the answers?
Me: .....Yeah
WG1: Can science explain the miracles of life?
Me: I dunno, can Jeebus do a better job?
Apparently he didn't catch on I had just called Jesus of Nazareth "Jeebus".
WG1: He can save you, Sunny.
I was starting to get pissed off at this point. I wanted them to go away. So I did whatever brown guys do when they wanna scare white guys; pretend to be a radical fundamentalist.
Me: I answer to 'The base'
WG1: The base?
Me: Yes, The base. I follow Sharif Abdul Rahim, and do whatever he commands me to do.
I looked towards the sky
Me: Rahim! Shall I smite these snowflakes in your name, or will you bring them vengeance via improvised explosive devices?
WG1: I really wish you would read this pamphlet.
Me: Rahim is not amused.
WG1: How do you know?
Me: He's talking to me right now. He's saying "tandoori sizzler tikka masala". Roughly translated that means, "I'm ready to ride on these bustas"
WG1 opened his mouth to retort, but before he could say a word, I was ready for him.
Me: FUCKING RELIGIOUS FANATICS!
With that I slammed the door and gave myself a pat on the back.
I went back to the couch, happy that I will no longer be disturbed by religious fanatics. That is, until the lord gives me instructions otherwise.
User Reviews
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-08-23 11:43:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Me: Rahim! Shall I smite these snowflakes in your name, or will you bring them vengeance via improvised explosive devices?
WG1: I really wish you would read this pamphlet."
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-17 11:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-08-16 21:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Steak has just had the worst month of his life, but I'm fine. Shit happens, and I've laced up my skates.
Great post.
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Remember Steak, keep your head up and keep your stick on the ice.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-17 10:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-17 01:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-08-16 21:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Steak has just had the worst month of his life, but I'm fine. Shit happens, and I've laced up my skates.
Great post.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-16 19:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
riiiiight
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-16 16:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my asshole really itches, can somebody cornhole me to make it stop?
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-16 14:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111015#2500782
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jeez. nevermind
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And pretend again, scrot handler, that "waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh" is something that you came up with. Fucking hypocrite.
--
Pull the hair away from your one eye and read this.
No one cares. GTFO
Maybe you can post in your livejournal how mean people are?
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:56:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
P.S. I love you :{)
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And pretend again, scrot handler, that "waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh" is something that you came up with. Fucking hypocrite.
Submitted by fidelcity (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
durka durkistan.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope these guys come back. This is crackin me up.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The important thing is, this song is great
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nt2OVAgkHBc
Who invited Steve? That dude's a cunt.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no, jackass. because your whole emo journal seems so absurd it can't be real. If you really are that fucked up, then goddamnit get some help emo fag.
plus, their names are plastered all over the site. it's no fucking secret dipshit.
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Everyone that gives you a negative rating is an alter? You people on here have a borderline stalker propensity to use their two names. I don't know the fellers, but whoever they are must've done something to piss you people off.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Awesome...oh and they're just numbers, tool.
____________
How about taking your own advice then, moron.
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Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
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coming up with your own comebacks would be helpful too brett/simon.
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Awesome...oh and they're just numbers, tool.
____________
How about taking your own advice then, moron.
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Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, I bet he dresses them...
Also, it's lines like these, "Only their glitzy shoes gave a suggestion of the bling hidden underneath their dark overcoats." that über will never truly flourish without.
And I was quoting this song, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nt2OVAgkHBc
it's pretty great
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Awesome...oh and they're just numbers, tool.
____________
How about taking your own advice then, moron.
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Awesome...oh and they're just numbers, tool.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:24:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haikumikoo...what?
Here, take a look at this
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/showbiz/showbiznews.html?in_article_id=475776&in_page_id=1773
it made me laugh.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How would you like to be...shot?
Me and my friend...smoke pot!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-16 13:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Now everybody in the house say, guy #1...
Guy #1!
Now everybody in the house say, guy #2...
Guy #2!
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-16 12:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-08-16 12:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"the reef"
#3 Forward
Sacramento kings
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Bingo.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-08-16 12:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"the reef"
#3 Forward
Sacramento kings
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-16 12:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a +2 to the first person who actually knows which Abdul Rahim I'm referring to.