Apples and Skeletons (479 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.34 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by billy (View user info) at 2007-08-17 15:31:31 EDT
As I sit here on this mountaintop, I think of the things I have done today. Robbed an old lady at the convenience store, for $40 of cash? Knocked over a kid's sandcastle at the beach? What kind of person have I become? I stand up and walk over to glance at my reflection in a nearby pool of water.
Hmm, how did that huge cut get on my face? Oh that's right, when I got in a fight with that panther, good thing I grabbed him by the tail and threw him off the cliff. He was squealing all the way down. My life has become a run from the law, as they try and pursue me across the countryside.
The sun is getting lower, and my shadow is getting longer in front of me. Up ahead I can see a small village, with a big neon sign saying "No Negores Allowed". Negores? I thought to myself. What in the hell are those? I shrugged it off, and entered, armed with only a water pistol.
"Got any business here, son?" Asked the local deputy.
"Why yes, I'm a thriving businessman. I've come to see if you have any cotton candy I can purchase for dirt cheap," I answered.
"Well, there's a carnival just 6 blocks to the east...."
"Thanks!" I shouted back, as I was already running away from him. Sure enough, I saw "Abe's Fun Land" just ahead. But before I got to the gate, a group of fire elementals appeared in front of me.
"Give us all your money!" their leader said.
I took out my water pistol and blasted him between the eyes. He was blinded temporarily, so I used this moment to kick him in the nuts. He doubled over in pain, and the others ran off in fear before I could destroy them as well.
"Who sent you here?" I angrily demanded to the injured fire elemental lying on the ground. No response. "Hey, asshole!" I said, and kicked him in the ribs, hard. He coughed up a cloud of smoke, and disappeared. A pile of ashes was all that remained, but wait...there was a piece of paper underneath the ashes...what was this?
I picked it up and read it. It said: "This is Abe, from Abe's Fun Land. This coupon is good for $5 off your next ferris wheel ride, good only until December 3rd, 1750." 1750? I must have gone back in time! I looked around and noticed everything was in black and white. I decided to find a ferris wheel, and maybe buy some cotton candy as well.
I entered, and saw strange sights before me. Wizards, priests, knights, and archers were walking around, conducting business with each other. Before long an archer approached me.
"Hey, you looking to buy any mushrooms?" he said.
"Sure man, how much for a nickel bag?"
"Well, I don't have them on me, but that guy down there in the black tent does." He pointed down the hill and I saw, at the end of a long driveway, a black tent. I began walking down there, and noticed I had actually been walking down an escalator the whole time. I was in a shopping mall! There was a taco bell to my left, Wendy's to my right.
There was a salesman trying to sell Verizon phones. I brushed him aside, and continued on my way towards GameStop. On the way I noticed an attractive female walking towards me. She was looking away from me, showing complete disinterest in me.
"Excuse me miss, I think you dropped your keys."
"What?" She looked over at me. I snapped my fingers in her face, and then clapped my hands and pulled them apart with my palms facing her. She stood perfectly still, staring straight ahead into my hands. I lowered my hands, she lowered her head. I made her kneel in front of me, and then snapped my fingers in her face again. She immediately took out my dick and gave me one of the best blowjobs I have ever recieved in my life. Afterwards, I smacked her on the ass, awaking her from her trance. She had no idea what happened, and I sent her on her way.
Flashback to ten years ago. I first got this amazing power when I was playing a game of basketball with my cousin, Nick. We made a bet to see who could make more 3 pointers in 20 minutes. I won the bet, so therefore I gained special powers. God himself appeared in front of me, and told me the meaning of quantum science.
"Yes but, why do you make gravity? Why can't things just float in the air?" I asked him.
"Fine, I'll lower the gravity of your planet," God replied, "but under one condition. Don't tell anybody you know about us, especially not the media."
"Us? Who is this "us" you speak of, God?"
"Never mind, I have to go now." At that moment Jesus came riding up in a Pontiac Suburu, with a sunroof. He had loud rock music playing, and a full, flowing beard, sandals, and of course he was wearing a white toga. God walked up to the passenger seat and tried to get in, but it was locked. So he jumped in the sunroof, and they drove off, leaving me behind in an empty desert.
It was now night time, and the moon lit up the sky and shone brightly down on the earth. I saw a cactus shaped like an arrow, and it pointed to the north-west. Since I had no idea where I was, I decided to walk in the direction the cactus was pointing.
At this point I noticed a group of hungry hungry hippos stampeding in my direction. I jumped into the air and executed a perfect triple backflip while the hippos passed underneath. The last one was wearing a red cape. I landed and starting running after them. I took my sword out of its holster and cut Z's into their backs.
"Don't ever let me catch you in this side of town again, you punks!" I cried out. An old lady cheered, and threw roses at me. I smiled, and tipped my hat to her. I then made to love to Catherine Zeta Jones, who just happened to be standing nearby.
The next day at school, I was just minding my own business, talking with some friends over how difficult the biology homework was.
"Yea, it's a good thing Marvin let us copy his assignment, or we would all be fucked."
"Ha! He knows we would beat the shit out of him if he didn't."
"This school sucks, I hope the terrorists come here and blow it up." This was Tommy speaking, he is the loud and outspoken memeber of the group. Whenever there are two turtles racing down the hallway, Tommy will be the one waving the checkered flag at the end, goading them on. Everyone knows its best to let the turtles work out their problems by themselves. I mean, we were forced to attend a 3 day seminar explaining why it's wrong to be violent with children under the age of 7, you would think by now Mrs. Robinson would just get naked for us. But no, she only modeled for Playboy earlier in her life, and now she is teaching my 7th grade english class. A step in the right direction I suppose, morally anyways.
Anyways, I couldn't keep my eyes off her. Everytime she bent over to pick up a crayon, I couldn't help but stare at her ass. Seemed like she was picking up a lot of crayons....I looked over and noticed a boy in the corner holding a box of crayons, and he kept throwing them one by one onto the floor. They kept landing by me, and Mrs. Robinson would bend over right in front of me to pick them up. I was getting very aroused, and it became difficult to complete my english assignment, so I just came right out and said it.
"Mrs. Robinson, we all know you were on the cover of the October 1896 Playboy Magazine, and....wait....1896? What the fuck?" The whole class started laughing at me. They starting spewing insults in my direction.
"You don't even know what year it is? What are you, a retard?" the whole class laughed at Kevin's remark.
"Oh yea? Well I'm all in, tough guy! Here's your 700, and another 4500 on top. Let's see you call it with your mid pair, I know you have K9 right now. Go on, do it."
Kevin looked down at his hand, and indeed Brad had read his hand perfectly. The board read 10 9 5, with two spades. Kevin had check raised Brad, hoping to get some information about his hand. Unfortunately for him, Brad held QJ of spades, for the open ended straight flush draw. Plus, Brad knew a queen was coming on the turn, so that gave him 9 more outs to hit his full house.
"You don't even know what pot odds are, do you?" He asked me.
"What?"
"Pot odds. Its when you take the pot, multiply it by how many chips you have, and then compare that ratio with the number of outs you have. This will give you a number. Take that number...."
"Listen Kevin, I didn't come here for geography lessons. Now if you'll tell me where I can find a Quizzno's, I'd be more than happy. I could really go for a classic club with bacon."
I suddenly found myself riding on the back of an oversized german sheperd. There I was, back in the desert again. I saw the same cactus with the arrow pointing to the north west. But this time, it became apparent that someone had placed that cactus there to mislead me! I looked in the exact opposite direction, the south east. There it was! I saw the golden door into eternity!
"Hey Rover! Turn, and start running towards the southeast!"
"Sure thing, but shouldn't we throw out these empty beer cans? We're not supposed to be drinking at work. The boss will be here in a half hour."
"Oh don't worry, I already paid the maintenance lady a nice little tip, so she'll be in here to clean up the mess."
"If you say so..." Allen said, and walked off towards the coffee machine. At this point, the sprinklers went off over our heads, drenching us with water.
"Ahhh! My Pentium 5! It's RUINED!" one of my coworkers screamed. He threw a projector straight out the window, where it went through the windshield of a minivan that was parked in a handicapped spot. The car alarm went off, and everyone broke into a panic. Tables and chairs started flying everywhere, and soon they grew wings and started to fly around the room on their own.
My chair let out an evil, maniacal laugh as it flew past my head, flapping its wings and eating pieces of styrofoam that it found. After all this was a styrofoam factory, so its only natural that we would find Nicole in the backroom making out with Jeff when all of this happened.
"Nicole...aren't you supposed to be asleep? It's past your bedtime..." I awoke in my bed, drenched with sweat. Whew, must have been a bad dream. I got up and walked into the bathroom. As I was taking a piss, I noticed I didn't have a reflection in the mirror. "That's odd," I said, and walked towards it. Suddenly the scene changed: I was riding on Rover's back southeast, toward the golden door!
"Full speed ahead, Rover!" I screamed, and prayed we would make it to the door in time. I heard a large, angry voice booming overheard, it seemed to be coming from all directions at once. "DESTROY HIM...DO NOT LET HIM ENTER THE ROOM...." Hungry hippos were chasing us from behind, but I had a good feeling because the sun was wearing sunglasses and smiling at me....
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-19 20:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-08-18 12:21:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
wtf, mate? There's random done well, then there is this. Sorry, mang. +1 for effort.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-18 04:29:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
tortuous
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-17 19:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And a nickel bag of mushrooms? Really?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-17 19:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"I stand up and walk over to glance at my reflection in a nearby pool of water."
A nearby pool? And a glance is quick, you don't take a walk to glance. And nobody does this since the mirror was invented. Well except for Ponyboy when he and Jonny were on the lam, but that didn't count because churches don't have mirrors.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-17 17:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
didnt read
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-17 16:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by lover101 (user info) at 2007-08-17 16:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I tried to read this, I really did.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-17 16:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YOU have internet access on the MOUNTAINTOP?
WOWZA!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-08-17 16:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
DUDE WTF, THE FIRE ELEMENTAL WOULD TOTALLY HAVE BURNED UP THE PAPER EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T CONSIDER THE EXTRA +1d6 OF NAPALM DAMAGE HE INFLICTS PER TURN
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-08-17 15:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-17 15:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-08-17 15:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not a big copy pasta fan.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-17 15:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if anyone would notice if I ripped this post off word for word and posted it as my UGR entry.