"I'll put my plonker on the table unless you give me the mushy peas." (1416 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lungfish (View user info) at 2007-08-21 16:29:41 EDT
More stressed out the normal here. Work's been a bitch. It seems to be all I do, until I unwind on the weekends. Apparently, I've been unwinding too much, and this has led to ... well, whatever. Things could have been better between the wife and me over the last couple of months. [Read: I can be a selfish asshole.]
A fuckin' voice got into my head today, and after dropping the kid off at school, I decided to skip out on work and do right by the wife. It wasn't easy, but I actually TALKED to her, which led to sex. I had no idea. Must remember that.
Feeling a bit maudlin after Round 1, I wrote out some text about beaches and Mark Twain and the loss of loved ones and the intrinsic value in being inoffensive and how awesome I am in general but have not been of late because I have put all my energy into work while neglecting the family and on weekends I've just been getting drunk because I like the effect it has on me and I'm not an ugly drunk except I'm more likely to call somebody a cunt on Uber and I always feel bad afterwards even if that person really is a cunt but how would I know I've never met any of you but I might meet rob_berg next spring because I'm presenting a paper at a conference in Vancouver assuming I actually write the paper and I think rob_berg is an inoffensive guy even though he also recently has been calling people cunts and I have no problem with run-on sentences.
It may have been heartfelt, but Bart says 95% of us are idiots, so I figured you wouldn't appreciate it.
So, my head back in a good place, and my lovely wife unable to get out of bed, I am offering trivia about one of my favorite drinkers. Why? Because drunks are funny. (Some of them anyway.) And, of course, I lack artistic potential.
==========
My Favorite Drunks, Part I: Oliver Reed
British actor and misogynist. Star of "Women in Love," "The Three Musketeers," and a bunch of stuff you can look up if you're interested.
Background Trivia:
Was the first actor to expose his cock'n'balls in a mainstream film ("Women in Love")
Starred in the first mainstream film to feature the word, "fuck" ("I'll Never Forget What's 'Is Name")
Starred in the first British film to receive an "X" rating due to its violent content ("Sitting Target")
"Revel or die" - an anagram for Oliver Reed
Almost succeeded Sean Connery in the James Bond role, but the producers decided he drank too much
Had a bird claw tattooed on his cock-head
Drunk Trivia:
In a bar, he once showed his tattoo to Jerry Lewis...because he could. Quote: "Would you like to see the tattoo that I have on the tip of my penis?"
Allegedly once drank 106 pints of beer within 24 hours.
He and a rugby team once drank, in one evening: 60 gallons of beer, 32 bottles of Scotch, 17 bottles of gin, four crates of wine, and one bottle of pear cider.
Once puked on Steve McQueen.
Was good friends with Keith Moon (to be reviewed later in the series, if this becomes a series).
Got thrown off a talk show for being drunk and, among other things, forcing a mouth-kiss on another guest - a lesbian feminist writer; before kissing her, he exclaimed, "I've had more fights in pubs than you've had hot dinners."
Arrived at Galway Airport once passed out on the luggage conveyor.
Got naked in a restaurant in Spain and dived into the lobster aquarium.
On his post-life ambitions: "I would [like to] end up a fertiliser under a sunflower which is eventually made into sunflower seed oil so that [a] pretty girl will rub me on her bristols as she suns herself on a beach in the Caribbean."
On an airplane, he exposed his cock and asked the stewardess to judge a "Prettiest Boy" contest.
To lose weight for a film, he went on a diet of vodka. Just vodka.
Once showed up for an interview wearing nothing but Wellington boots.
Was banned from every club in the town Dorking after, among other events, he nakedly climbed the chimney of one proclaiming, "Ho ho ho! I'm Santa Claus!"
On the Rona Barrett Show, he was asked to put his cigarette out. He did...in his mouth, then he swallowed it.
On his life goals: "I have two ambitions in life: one is to drink every pub dry, the other is to sleep with every woman on earth."
He died during a break in the filming of "Gladiator" of a heart attack...in a bar in Malta. His bar tab was equivalent to $866. He reportedly drank three bottles of Captain Morgan's, eight bottles of beer, and lots of whiskey. The owner's of the bar subsequently changed the name of their establishment to "Ollie's Last Pub."
Were I rich and rude and misogynistic and carefree and irresponsible and could withstand the pain of getting a tattoo on my knob, I would be Oliver Reed.
If this becomes a series, next up is Humphrey Bogart...then Tallulah Bankhead.
That's all. Time for Round II.
Obligatory Shlongy shout out: Shlongy
Obligatory image attachment:
User Reviews
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-10-05 11:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He appeared drunk on some Saturday morning show for kids once too.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-10-05 11:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Continue?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-09-02 09:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i got 2 racks of ribs and my own recipe for a good rub.. gonna cook them from around noon til about 5:00pm at ~150º. I also have 3 cases beer, IPAs mostly. My house is spotless clean and ready to rock. The lady friend is coming over to meet my friends.. not too sure how I feel about this quite yet, my friends drink a lot.
Either way, if you were in the boston area i'd invite you to my party.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-09-02 09:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
50k support.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-29 14:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-29 00:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' Padres.
D'backs and Mets are going to be duking it out for the Wild Card
Are you on PCP?
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-08-27 00:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-26 18:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-25 04:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You quit doing shots of tequila because you ran out a salt?
Help me out here. I don't get it
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He's just young that's all - in time he will learn.
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i took my first tequila shots ever that night. what did i do wrong!?! I NEED TO KNOW. HELP ME.
i quite enjoyed them, in fact. whoever thought of the lime part at the end deserves a pat on the back, at least. they were my favorite shots ever.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-24 21:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chimay is good.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-08-24 18:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-22 21:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Peter O'Toole's my guy, but he quit drinking after they had to cut out half his guts. Pussy.
:-o
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lungfish!
I got it sorted!
Sorry for you!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-23 23:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Jesus. Not this shit again: \"\"\"\"\"\'\'\'\'\'\"\"\"\"\"\'\'\'\'\'\'
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-08-22 21:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, theuniter has obviously confused Oliver Reed with Jim Nabors.
Or Laurence Olivier.
Or Danny Kaye.
The Rock got around.
Cary Grant, too, probably.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-22 21:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
oops
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-22 21:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Peter O'Toole's my guy, but he quit drinking after they had to cut out half his guts. Pussy.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-08-22 21:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heard they spent a shitload to CGI his ass for Gladiator when he died before shooting all his scenes.
I thought Peter O'Toole was your guy.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-08-22 17:02:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2. i'll be back..
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-08-22 12:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my hero.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-08-22 06:55:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Lungfish +2
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-08-22 06:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding. Simply golden.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-08-22 05:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kirst-n-dennis (user info) at 2007-08-22 05:24:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ollie Reed- the greatest piss artist ever. I wonder if his mum was proud?
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-22 05:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And it looks like the geezer curls his wrists. If he throws a punch like that, he's going to hurt himself more than his opponent.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-22 05:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lungfish!
How do I stop my keyboard from doing this> isn\t, amn\t, etc?
I seem to recall you having a similar problem.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-08-22 04:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-22 04:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Talking leads to sex, hmmmmmmmmm, what about pimms and lemonade, surely that helps!!
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-08-21 23:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LUNGFISH fuck yeah
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-21 21:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the annual 'boobs on bikes' parade just went by outside my office window - a welcome distraction I thought.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-21 21:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-21 18:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He let Rock Hudson suck his cock, by the way.
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No no no. That was Zebra and Sylvester Stallone. He told me about it.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-21 21:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-21 18:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"He let Rock Hudson suck his cock, by the way."
------
You lie, sir! I found reference to no such disgusting act while exercising my considerable Google skills.
<takes off glove, slaps TheUniter's face>
"There's something you can't copy and paste from IMDB."
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YET MORE SLANDER! I borrowed and reworded from at least six different sources. I shall meet you at dusk.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-08-21 20:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like Hilarity said.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-08-21 20:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want this dude to be my grandfather...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-08-21 18:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhahahaha
He sounds like my kind of guy
I forgot what I was going to say.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-21 18:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He let Rock Hudson suck his cock, by the way.
Back in the 60's.
He later said he thought it was Carol Lynley.
There's something you can't copy and paste from IMDB.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-21 18:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-08-21 14:09:41 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-21 16:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what an entertaining post. informative, too.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-08-21 18:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-08-21 18:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-08-21 18:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
not me of course.
shlongy.
for fucks sake
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-08-21 18:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
olive reed that is not the shriveled auld cunt below.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-08-21 18:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
he's a legend
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-21 18:08:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops...should have read the post, I guess.
I thought we were supposed to figure out who you were talking about.
BUT I KNEW IT WAS HIM, DAMMIT.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-21 17:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oliver Reed???
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-08-21 17:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lungfish for President.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-21 17:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked this
i could probably have starred in one of these at one point. i took the UberDrunk crown from Teeph. i drink much less now.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-08-21 17:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
o yeah, it's time
road trip
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-08-21 17:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-21 16:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what an entertaining post. informative, too.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-08-21 17:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-08-21 17:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plonk
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-21 17:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-08-21 16:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey it's that guy.
did steve mcqueen punch him?
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-08-21 16:57:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-21 16:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what an entertaining post. informative, too.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-21 16:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woohoo.
Although I haven't had a thing to drink for three days now.....it's kinda freaking me out - god forbid i actually remember the people i've 'been' with *shudder*
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-21 16:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-08-21 16:48:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely written. Very interesting, kindly continue.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-08-21 16:42:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good idea. Entertaining post.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-08-21 16:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Angel likey.
I hereby respectful request you to make this a full-blown series. Please and thank you.