Baseball Play-Off Predictions that have Very Little to do with Actual Baseball (664 hits)
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Submitted by beeltea (View user info) at 2007-08-22 00:55:01 EDT
As the season winds down, it's time to figure out which of the bubble teams are going to go, and who's going to spend October playing golf. Let's start with
THE NATIONAL LEAGUE!
Milwaukee Brewers (Central)
A city famous for producing large amounts of watery, foul-tasting beer; everything else we know about Milwaukee was told to us by Alice Cooper. From the three or four real brewers I've met I think it's safe for me to say that generally are large burly men with thick regional dialects and amusing facial hair, and what we know about these type of men is they don't take no shit from you, nor anybody else. They certainly don't take shit from baby bears. In fact, these men are the type who would wrestle that cub's momma, bite the neck off of the cardinal he just shot down with his Winchester model 12 gauge, and then afterwards shotgun sixteen cans of "their Best" which, holy cow, if that's Milwaukee's best, then their worst must come directly from the urinary tract of a large land mammal. Does Winchester make shotguns? It seems like they do. I'm not going to look it up. Therefore, look for the Brewers to take the Central.
Arizona Diamondbacks (West)
Are they from Phoenix? Tempe? Both? Is there a difference? Diamondbacks are rattlesnakes, and snakes are scary, unless they've been turned into boots. Then they are still scary, but for a different reason. Rattlesnakes are especially scary, because they can kill you. There's no "dodging" its strike, even for say... a friar calling upon divine intervention. See what I just did there? That was clever. Sort of.
New York Mets (East)
Many people think Met is short for "Metropolitan", but we New Yorkers know it really means "Metrosexual". Indian braves have no experience and can't deal with metrosexuals, and would be all but suffocated at first contact by the noxious foreign wave of Christian Dior cologne and Axe body spray. Then the metrosexuals would give them IKEA area rugs riddled with smallpox and gonorrhea, and afterwards, in their weakened state, beat the braves to death with studded belts. I don't know exactly what a Philly is, but I do know that I generally don't like people from Philadelphia; and why can't they move the Liberty Bell to a better part of town? Not that seeing the Liberty Bell is all that hot, and I don't recommend it, but while you're in the neighborhood you can pick up a nice nickel bag of crack, saving you a trip. It's just a big bell in with a crack in it surrounded by plastic casing. You can't even ring it. "Whoopdy-do", you'll say. "There's the Liberty Bell. Is there anywhere around here to get a beer? Uhhh... what happened to my wallet? Has anybody seen my wallet?"
San Diego Padres (Wildcard)
Let's face it: The Padres are never going to amount to anything. It's because they are based in San Diego, and San Diego is too laid-back. The weather's too great, there are too many jogging trails, and there are way too many women walking around in bikinis for anybody to worry about how the local baseball team is doing. "Oh, the Padres? They'll make the playoffs again this year? Good enough." Is a typical San Diegan remark. Their mascot is a model of patience and temperament, and GM Kevin Towers is too big into acupuncture. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that their manager was leading yoga sessions in the clubhouse and serving chai tea before every game. Baseball is about tradition, and San Diego is too "new wave"; and have you ever noticed that no matter where you go you'll never find anybody who genuinely hates the Padres? "The Padres? Eh, they're okay. I don't really have an opinion either way". Baseball teams that win championships are universally hated. Look at the Yankees; everybody hates the Yankees, and what are they? The most successful sports franchise anywhere, that's what they are. Stupid Yankees. God, I hate the Yankees.
Which brings me right on into...
THE AMERICAN LEAGUE!
The California Los Angeles Orange County If You Take Route 57 to Orangewood You Can't Miss It But If You Pass The Ralph's You've Gone Too Far Angels of Anaheim (West)
I've never seen anything in Los Angeles other than the Airport and Embassy Suites next to it, but the Angels are my favorite team in the American League if for no other reason than they seem to have the Yankee's number. Other than that, I'm just going to whisk through the rest of this league because I really don't follow the American League. They play by their own made up little rules and don't make their pitchers hit, and therefore shouldn't be taken seriously. So let's just say Boston in the East and Detroit in the Central. The wildcard berth will probably go to the Yankees, but I'm pulling for the Mariners.
Anyhow, it doesn't really matter; this post probably won't be well received anyway, because it's all about American baseball, and many of you aren't even Americans. Of those who are, most don't care about baseball, or much of anything, from what I've gathered; and it will probably be my last post, since I didn't give a positive outlook for our overlord's precious cubbies and I've been parading around the site lately pretending to be a thirteen year old girl. I was doing this for the children of Ubersite (since there are so many of them now) to try and keep them safe! Kind of like the Chris Hansen of Uber, if you will.
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-09-01 04:00:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the Cardinals will pull it out too, lungfish. The Cubs are coming upon their annual meltdown at some point. This year it's just happening late. A couple years ago it happened on a foul ball during the NLCS, but I wouldn't count on waiting that long this time around.
I wish Derrek Lee would get traded. I hate to hate him.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-01 03:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brewers are a good team, to be sure. I wish them well. I just see the Cardinals pulling it out. Oh yeah...I'm psychic.
The only teams I really hate are the Cubs and ... hmmm ... guess that's it. And I used to like them.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-09-01 02:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The Brewers won tonight. They still have a chance."
That's what I'd be saying if I believed the Brewers would finish this season on a high note. I do hope Ben Sheets stays healthy and Rickie Weeks keeps up his recent tear, because that's all we've got to ride on.
Fuck it. Hardy will finish this season the way he began, Braun will stop throwing the routine 5-3 assist into the right field bleachers, Corey Hart will hit .380 in September with 7 home runs and 13 stolen bases, and Prince Fielder will be the NL MVP with 47 home runs.
For what it's worth, Ryan Braun is a future MVP and has at least one Triple Crown coming his way. Gallardo and Villanueva are future aces, and out of all the young talent on the roster, only Rickie Weeks was viewed as a can-not-possibly-miss prospect. The lineup is littered with future multi-time All-Stars. If the Brewers can keep all (or even most of) these guys on board, this will be by far the best team in the majors in two years, or possibly even next year.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-01 02:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My honest predictions:
Mets
Cardinals
Padres
Wildcard: Phillies
Fuckin' D'backs.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 07:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah,, Brewers Droop!!!! hehe
Who are the Brewers?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-30 06:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, I never really thought the Brewers would hang on either but they're an easy team to make jokes about.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-30 03:20:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn it, baseball talk reminds me of the severe lack of Angel games in Spokane.
Fuuuuuuuuuck.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 03:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO BEARS!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
GO BEARS!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2007-08-30 02:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Angels! I'm surprised they are still ahead in the AL West. Usually, they take a nosedive after the All Star break. They just swept the Mariners, giving them somewhat of a comfortable cushion in their division.
Not getting to follow the baseball season has probably been the shittiest thing about moving to Europe.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-08-30 01:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NL
DBacks
Mets
Cubs
Padres
AL
Yankees
Red Sox
Angels
Indians.
Submitted by deelo (user info) at 2007-08-30 01:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
milwaukee won't get it but good writeup
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-30 00:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-29 14:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-29 00:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' Padres.
D'backs and Mets are going to be duking it out for the Wild Card
Are you on PCP?
----
No. I'm panicking. And I don't want to be alone. Help?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-29 00:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' Padres.
D'backs and Mets are going to be duking it out for the Wild Card.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-22 13:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
anfry Scruggs loving bicth below
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-08-22 13:36:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
scourge is a bitch. Film at 11.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-22 13:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Scruggs is indeed a fag. Once you can understand that, all other arguments are pointless.
For example:
"Hey man fuck off the AL whoops a llama's ass"
"hmm.. interesting point.. but at the same time, i think Scruggs is a faggot"
**HIGH FIVE**
its a push.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-22 13:13:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-22 11:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The National League = The 'minor leagues' of the Majors.
--
But...but...the NL is the home of the defending world champions. If you take, as a for instance, the Red Sox and their -what was it?- 90 year drought and put them against, say, the Cardinals and their 10 championships, not to mention dozens upon dozens of trips to the playoffs and the world series, I'd say your comment is off base Boshman.
I guess if you were a Yankees fan or an Oakland fan you might be able to make a case, but...wait who is it you like again?
Hey, at least we can agree that Scruggs is a fag.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-22 13:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh man thats sweet
i met ricky scaggs last year at a bar in vermont. I just struck up a conversation with him not knowing who he was.. until he gave me passes to his show being held the next night.
it was pretty bosh.. he's no Boz, though!
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-22 12:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Boshman! I went to a ricky scaggs concert the other night. he mentioned scruggs. i thought of you.
i'd post about the whole experience but i didn't get good enough picture on my crappy camera phone.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2007-08-22 12:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You get a -2 for dissing the AL. Oh, and you know shit about baseball. And one more thing Fuck the cubs.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-22 11:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The National League = The 'minor leagues' of the Majors.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-22 11:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I look for the Brewers to collapse (even moreso than their collapse of the last two months), The Mets to hold on, The Cubs to sneak in the horseshit Central, The A's to have no interest in September, The Nationals to continue to improve, the Angels to dominate, the Mariners, if there is a God, to beat out the Yankees for the wildcard, the BoSox to fold in the playoffs, the Rockies to come out of nowhere to win the west, the Diamondbacks to continue to play 12 rookies, for Bonds's head to explode, and for Bud Selig to shit himself in a luxury box.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-22 02:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-22 01:15:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ps, I look for the Cardinals to take the Central.
---
Cardinals are looking alive lately. Down to 3 out. Our sweep of the then 1st place Brewers is what PUT the Cubs into 1st. I said from the beginning that the Brewers don't have the steam to go all the way.
NL Central is going to come down to the Cubs or the Cards. If it's the Cubs they'll choke in the postseason, because that's what the Cubs do best.
My sentiments are similar to yours in regards to the AL. All I hope is that the RedSox choke and blow it so I can make snotty comments about it to Orgasmatron for the next year.
Fuck it's late. And I'm on Uber. What a loser.
I'll come back and camp this post for a while tomorrow.
If I remember about it.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-22 01:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-22 01:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Say hi to the little bitch for me, will you?
---
she doesn't talk to me anymore.
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2007-08-22 01:20:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What about my Red Sox ya pink bastard
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-22 01:15:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ps, I look for the Cardinals to take the Central.
pps, I'm going to bed. I'm old and I did something today I don't get to do very much anymore.
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-08-22 01:13:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm one of those bastard Yankee fans.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-22 01:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful.
I just finished watching the D'backs lose. They are too streaky, but I think they'll make the playoffs. They'll have to get lucky to go far, though.
Hope it's not your last post. That would suck. Especially if Little Sally takes over you account.
Say hi to the little bitch for me, will you?