Attn: Ubersite - Your Boss Does Not Like You (A List Of Reasons Why I Am Actively Seeking Alternative Employment) (1489 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.45 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by External Name (View user info) at 2007-08-22 06:42:37 EDT
<Preamble>
Whilst surfing Ubersite at work, it is generally not a good idea to lean on the keyboard with your forearm, and accidentally hit 'cntrl-P' when your boss is stood at the printer waiting for a report.
</Preamble>
Ok, so there we go. On top of all the shit I've had to deal with lately, including my house being flooded, my mortgage falling through, and having to spend the past few weeks with my insane ex-girlfriend, God decided I needed a bit more fuckery in my diet.
So, cruel fate decided to introduce my boss to Ubersite.
It wasn't as bad as you'd think, considering the nature of what I have posted about my illustrious career in insurance. Sure, there were mumblings of 'gross negligence' and 'overwhelming irresponsibility', but things were eventually ironed out.
What I was left with, was a comprehensive dossier of 'things my boss does not like about Ubersite'.
Considering my boss is a 'fairly typical' kind of boss in the corporate world, I'm guessing his views are 'fairly typical' of numerous people who are employed in middle management.
I therefore present you with a few things which your boss may think.
1) Your boss does not think that rape is funny. ( I mean, who would, after all?) On the contrary, he/she thinks that rape is a serious matter for all parties concerned. He/she would even go as far as to say that rape is not a suitable topic of conversation at the third annual Wessex cheese and wine taste. Your boss thinks that Ubersite's fascination of trying to highlight the underlying hilarity of sexual assualt is, quite frankly, disturbing, and an investigation should be carried out.
2) Your boss does not think that scribbling "minus 2 die" in red ink is a suitable expression of constructive feedback when reviewing an annual assessment of requirements produced by the board of directors. In the same context, it is not appropriate to use phrases as "STFU noob" and "WTF? Get out" when carrying out Quality Control of a colleagues work.
3) Your boss does not think that "bart-bart did it" is an acceptable excuse for leaving used condoms in a team-mate's drawer, even if it is their birthday. If the mysterious "bart-bart" strikes again, then your boss may well ask for CCTV to be installed in the office.
4) Your boss does not think that verbally abusing other people's children via the internet is a productive use of time. In fact, your boss may even refer you to the 'acceptable use of internet access' section of the employee handbook. Your boss certainly does not approve of the 'growingfamily.com' scandal.
5) Your boss thinks that posts labelled as "NSFW" are NSFW. However, your boss does think that Bret's 'cock-in-a-sock' post is an acceptable image, as it envisages "an artistic use of modern communication techniques".
6) Your boss is probably a homosexual (see above)
7) Your boss will not agree with you when you tell him/her that Ubersite is a serious writer's forum, goddamit. Your boss will see Ubersite as a 'fucking waste of corporate time', and will probably tell the guys from tech to 'block the fucking thing'.
8) Your boss is probably reading this.
So there you have it. Apologies for the short stop, but I gotta go. My boss wants to know where he/she can get his hands on Method's hair gel.
TTFN.....
User Reviews
Submitted by Troy (user info) at 2008-03-24 19:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything you ever wanted to know about Glenn.
User id: 30740
Registered on or around: 2007-04-14 09:44:31 EDT
# Messages posted: 3
# Reviews written: 10
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 51
# Hits: 1126
Average rating of all messages: -0.96
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-03-17 14:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I got as far as "<Preamble>" and decided that you can't write for shit.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-09 05:42:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-01-08 16:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-08 12:33:53 GMT (#)
Ranking: -2
you dont post anymore fagychops?
why nots?
------------------
Because uber is full of comments like yours.
And the whole legal "I'll get roasted by the FSA" thing.
That's why I don't posts no more, fagychops.
p.s: Fagychops sound tasty. Put 'em in a bun with some apple sauce and all will be well with the world.
Loves 'n hugz
Joey
xxxx
______
Hey fagychops I dedicated a few words to you in my latest hip hop offering... check my last post/myspace for more details!
plus I have a feeling a few of your posts were plagiarized, I'm not sure if you got ripped off or if someone ripped your shit after you put it on here but a friend from Australia sent me a story that was way to fucking similar to one you had on here...
I'll keep you updated because maybe someone has plagiarized you
Fagychops indeed
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-01-08 16:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-08 12:33:53 GMT (#)
Ranking: -2
you dont post anymore fagychops?
why nots?
------------------
Because uber is full of comments like yours.
And the whole legal "I'll get roasted by the FSA" thing.
That's why I don't posts no more, fagychops.
p.s: Fagychops sound tasty. Put 'em in a bun with some apple sauce and all will be well with the world.
Loves 'n hugz
Joey
xxxx
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-01-08 07:33:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you dont post anymore fagychops?
why nots?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-01-07 08:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:40:31 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
It came across extremely gay, and for that we will have hot sweaty butt sex for one week straight. In fact, it's so gay that it may be even gayer than this passage: *ahem*
JoeyG ran his fingers caressingly through sicosemen's short, stubbly hair trying to find something to grasp while his throbbing penis penetrated deep into his partner's ass. The ridges of sicosemen's asshole gripped ferociously back on JoeyG's penis sending him sheer ecstasy up and down his turgid cock. JoeyG then pulled his penis out of sicosemen's ass and put it into his mouth where he cleaned his knob of all the warm juices. The kissed passionately. Sicosemen then inserted his penis into JoeyG's ass, without lubrication, and pumped vigorously while performing a reach around. They orgasmed at the same time, JoeyG in Sicosemen's hand, Sicosemen in JoeyG's tight asshole. They kissed and fondled each other's penises until they were hard and ready to fuck again. *RINSE, REPEAT*
In all honesty you are one a few dying breed here that enjoy me for what I bring to this site. Thanks, I guess. Still, buttsex?
-----------------
I'll have to pass on the buttsex for at least 20 minutes.
I came twice during that review, and have to 'build' it up for another shot.
you know how it is.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 07:40:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It came across extremely gay, and for that we will have hot sweaty butt sex for one week straight. In fact, it's so gay that it may be even gayer than this passage: *ahem*
JoeyG ran his fingers caressingly through sicosemen's short, stubbly hair trying to find something to grasp while his throbbing penis penetrated deep into his partner's ass. The ridges of sicosemen's asshole gripped ferociously back on JoeyG's penis sending him sheer ecstasy up and down his turgid cock. JoeyG then pulled his penis out of sicosemen's ass and put it into his mouth where he cleaned his knob of all the warm juices. The kissed passionately. Sicosemen then inserted his penis into JoeyG's ass, without lubrication, and pumped vigorously while performing a reach around. They orgasmed at the same time, JoeyG in Sicosemen's hand, Sicosemen in JoeyG's tight asshole. They kissed and fondled each other's penises until they were hard and ready to fuck again. *RINSE, REPEAT*
In all honesty you are one a few dying breed here that enjoy me for what I bring to this site. Thanks, I guess. Still, buttsex?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-01 17:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WRITE MORE THINGS PLEASE.
I thank you.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-12-03 03:46:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Such a shame. Giant loss. Rock on.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-12-03 03:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
really?
shit...
too bad, brightened my day.
i miss english humour so....
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-11-09 09:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-09 08:31:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
From what I heard, DeMoNic, he got in hot water at work for Uber and that's why he hasn't been back. For real.
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-11-08 22:32:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-09 06:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WE MISS YOU
-----
Fucking Oath!
Where is this guy?! The only reason I made an account here & as soon as I do, I dont think he's been back.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-11-08 15:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WE MISS YOU
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-09-15 00:33:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great piece!
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-09-15 00:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously man, Dogs of War...
If you don't continue this, I will, with your permission of course,
I'm kind of crap at fiction, but this concept can't die!
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-08-27 22:24:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey..
I just made an account so I can tell you exactly what I think of you...
Your f*cking kick ass !
man you make my freakn day's at work that much more bearable, I sit here pissing myself laughing trying to stifle it with my hand while everyone in the office gives me these weird looks. I think they've all subdued to the fact im either insane or I find real estate laws and typing up standard forms incredibly hilarious..
I've Read all of your posts now though..keep posting! hope you don't get fired from above though lol..
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-08-23 13:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by diavola (user info) at 2007-08-23 10:36:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have a 2, Sir.
:)
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-22 20:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Rape is for Ugly People.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-08-22 20:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
9) Your boss consistently finds LOL cats quite humorous (see #6).
10) Your boss hates Gif Post Friday.
11) Your boss has purchased that Cassanova book.
12) It's only a matter of time before your boss clicks on yuck.jpg
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-08-22 19:02:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't California beautiful this time of year?
Oh, you don't know, do you?
Well, time to find out.
*checks email*
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
seriously?
You'll have to figure out your boss's login.
maybe HE is azurfroz or whatever the latest troll is.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-22 12:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-08-22 11:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe, number 2 was funny.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-22 11:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I have sex with the boss.
When I spank my root.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
6) Your boss is probably a homosexual (see above)
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-08-22 09:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2) Your boss does not think that scribbling "minus 2 die" in red ink is a suitable expression of constructive feedback
-------------
What about after sex? Is is suitable then?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-08-22 09:12:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Re: Point no. 1. What if you're raping a clown?
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-22 09:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey, really.
Thanks for brightening up my shitty morning at work. I was literally laughing out of my chair.
The slew of new idiots posting doesn't help, but this sure did.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2007-08-22 08:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should've told him "Well sir, I can't work for a man whom doesn't find humor in Rape, I QUIT!"
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-22 08:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hope the house plans are moving forward Joey, must be tough.
Circumstances seem hell bent on holding up the southern meet!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-08-22 08:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-08-22 13:10:18 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait, how the fuck do you "lean on the keyboard with your forearm, and accidentally hit 'cntrl-P'"? Were you arm wrestling over your keyboard or something? You must have set off like 16 other functions as well. NASA better watch the fuck out. If ever there was a chance that someone would "accidentally" hack their system and fuck some shit up, it would be you that was causing satellites to drop left and right.
-------------
Good question, one that I would expect Bill Gates to take credit for.
As for bringing satellites down....... well, I do try. Any that hit foreign soil are a bonus.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-08-22 08:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait, how the fuck do you "lean on the keyboard with your forearm, and accidentally hit 'cntrl-P'"? Were you arm wrestling over your keyboard or something? You must have set off like 16 other functions as well. NASA better watch the fuck out. If ever there was a chance that someone would "accidentally" hack their system and fuck some shit up, it would be you that was causing satellites to drop left and right.
Submitted by Prime36L (user info) at 2007-08-22 08:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your boss will not agree with you when you tell him/her that Ubersite is a serious writer's forum, goddamit. Your boss will see Ubersite as a 'fucking waste of corporate time', and will probably tell the guys from tech to 'block the fucking thing'.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-08-22 07:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-08-22 12:18:20 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like grilled cheese sammiches.
----------
And I love a woman that knows what she wants.
My sammich toaster is open to you any time you want it.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-22 07:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-08-22 12:18:20 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I'm so tired I'm experiancing dyslexia. Cool.
'experiancing' doesn't look right, but I'm not sure. You ever get so tired where normal words look funny? Maybe it's 'experience', but that doesn't look right either. I dunno...
I like grilled cheese sammiches.
-------------------------
Experiencing i believe , then again I am the worst speller in the world since that man with no fingers and no nothing wrote summet or muffin.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-08-22 07:18:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I'm so tired I'm experiancing dyslexia. Cool.
'experiancing' doesn't look right, but I'm not sure. You ever get so tired where normal words look funny? Maybe it's 'experience', but that doesn't look right either. I dunno...
I like grilled cheese sammiches.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-22 07:15:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-22 11:57:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-22 11:54:19 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I printed HBTS bored at work entry off by accident once, the whole office read it, fell asleep and I made a quick getaway.
Huzzah!!
===========
At least I've slept with a hippy. Rubbing yourself furiously against your 'Rosie and Jim' dolls every night doesn't count.
===========
Hey Rosie and Jim need me......They would never be able to handle their wacky adventures without my guidance. Well done for sleeping with a hippy, that must be so difficult with those high hippy morals and immense standards.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-08-22 07:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HBTH, he does have a point about hair, one brow wonder.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-22 07:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hang on, whilst I laughed at HBTS then, who are YOU to be handing out insults about peoples hair!
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-08-22 07:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
T-Minus 16 days till vacation. I'm not sure I'm gonna make it.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-08-22 07:09:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
2) Your boss does not think that scribbling "minus 2 die" in red ink is a suitable expression of constructive feedback when reviewing an annual assessment of requirements produced by the board of directors. In the same context, it is not appropriate to use phrases as "STFU noob" and "WTF? Get out" when carrying out Quality Control of a colleagues work.
---------------
Some douche at work ate the last slice of orange sponge cake the old reception lady brings in every tuesday, right when I was walking in to grab a slice. I stopped. Looked at him. Raised my hand and pointed. And told him very calmly. "-2DIE Fucker."
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-22 07:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs to get some hair two below.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-08-22 07:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-22 06:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
8) Your boss is probably reading this.
_
Do you think he'll find it funny?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-08-22 06:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Need to 'get a room' below.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-22 06:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-22 11:54:19 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I printed HBTS bored at work entry off by accident once, the whole office read it, fell asleep and I made a quick getaway.
Huzzah!!
===========
At least I've slept with a hippy. Rubbing yourself furiously against your 'Rosie and Jim' dolls every night doesn't count.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-22 06:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I printed HBTS bored at work entry off by accident once, the whole office read it, fell asleep and I made a quick getaway.
Huzzah!!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-08-22 06:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-22 11:46:18 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
--------
yet shameful, all at the same time.
Hey ho....
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-22 06:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.