The day I found God (898 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2007-08-22 10:04:37 EDT
I came home to find him there. Now I wasn't looking for any sort of divine intervention or anything, actually life seemed to be treating me rather well and was ticking along nicely, but there he was outside my home. He wasn't there like one of those Jo Ho chaps that I have had reason to poke with my poking stick. No, he stood hunched over with his back to me peering into my bin; I find the Jo Ho's normally stand there with some inane grin on their faces as if they are just about to ejaculate or even worse Proclaim something, very embarrassing really.
He stopped riffling through my bin on my approach and turned to face me, this was when I saw his divinity. He raised himself up and held my gaze, a soft outline glowed around his hair, or it could well have been cream stuck to it on reflection. Anyway the point is that I knew who he was. I am a child of my generation and know how these things happen. Rich Prince type ponce, or divine spiritual entity, decides they are a wee bit bored so dress up as a scummy type person to see if anyone will be nice to them. I know it happens because I have read it in books and on the internet.
His eyes bore into mine before looking away briefly at the stick I had in my hand. I always carry a stick just for occasions of needing to poke someone. I dropped the stick instantly and he seemed to relax before turning around and digging in my bin again. My heart beat at quite a pace as I slowly approached him. He grunted something but I passed it off as a bit of wind, probably adjusting to his new form. When he grunted again whilst turning around brandishing a bottle of half filled milk, I realised he was trying to communicate. I took a deep breath but no words seemed to come.
"U wan this?"
I stood still trying to figure out if it was a test.
"Oi U! U wan this?"
He thrust the rather unpleasant bottle in my general direction and I chose to answer him as best as I could.
"No my good, yet rather pungent, man I don't want it; hence why I have put it in the rubbish receptacle that you now seem to be plundering."
"What?"
Ah it was to be that game. This was to be my test. Rather than speak in a pretentious and old school type of way he wanted me to greet him as a normal man and come down to his level. This posed some problem for me as I have had the stick well and truly planted up my arse for quite some time. Have no fear though as I had some acting classes when but a wee bairn and could attempt assimilation of 'Street'.
"Nah geez, youze good. Have me milk me brotha, I'ze got rid of it to da trash man."
A look of puzzlement came over his face and I realised that I had blown him away with my grasp of 'Youth' speak. I tried another tack, this time I would treat him as we do old people.
"No that's okay you can have it. Are you alright there? Do you need a hand? Can I help you go through my rubbish? Oooo Look a tied up manky bit of rope. Would you like that? Why don't you take that as well and have a play with it? See if you can undo it."
He frowned.
"No need to be a cock mate. Just arssed if you wanted the milk. Smells alright."
It was my turn to frown.
"Sorry chap. Hey I have an idea. When was the last time you had a good hot meal?"
"Umm well I..."
"I know it must have been ages ago. Why don't you come on in and let me cook you something up? Come on. You could have a wash too I may even be able to find you some clothes I don't wear any more."
"I had a meal just the other..."
"Well come on. I'll get the kettle on."
He seemed somewhat reluctant but followed in the end; I think it may have been something to do with me waving a rasher of bacon at him whilst going "Mmmmm Yummy."
Upon entering my home the full force of his 'Camouflage' hit me. He really had gone to town on the whole getting into the spirit of his act. He stank of shit quite potently. I pointed him in the direction of the shower and told him to help himself to the towel and my shaving stuff if he wanted. I retired to the kitchen to give him a meal he wouldn't soon forget.
When he came through he looked like a new man. Fresh faced, well apart from the odd tan lines around where his beard had been. I had laid out some old stuff of mine and he seemed quite happy with them, he only tripped up over the length of leg twice on the way to the table.
He ate and drank and we chatted about life and everything. Actually I lie I chatted to him and he just ate and occasionally looked at me as if I had just raped his grandmother, and I'm not even sure if God has a grandmother. When he was done he pushed his plate away and sat back slightly looking at me.
"You're a strange bloke you. Odd in my opinion. Anyway best get it over with."
He stood up and looked at me before resting a hand on my shoulder and bringing a knife out from behind him. It was a big kitchen knife that looked very much like one of my own.
"Right weirdo where's your money? Give me what you got in your wallet should be okay then I will get the other stuff I need."
I didn't quite know what to do, but thought I would play along. I handed over the 55 quid in my wallet holding back the loose change though. He then proceeded to tie me up with the manky old bit of rope I had given him earlier and, if wonders would never cease, he had managed to get the knot out of it.
I heard him go through the rest of the house before coming back in and taking my car keys from the table.
"Now sit tight. Sure someone will miss you soon and come looking."
And with that he took his leave of me.
For the rest of the day I sat wondering about my predicament and tried to fathom out why I was being tested in such a way.
On day 2 I had started to doubt that it really was god and was denying him and cursing him, of course this is all part of the plan.
Day 3 dawned with me praying to God to let me free. Followed by an afternoon of praying to Allah to help me die with honour, just to cover my bases so to speak.
Day 4 found me not saying or doing anything at all. My throat was parched and I was hungry as hell. The smell of my own 'soil' was no longer an issue for me.
Day 5 had me constantly begging for someone to notice that I was bloody missing and lamenting my appalling nature for making me friendless.
Day 6 saw rescue as my mother popped over to see why I hadn't come by to raid her fridge of food all that week.
So what did I learn from this entirely fictional bullshit situation? Well nothing really.
I did however have to throw out a whole bottle of milk due to its expiration during my captivity. I now sit and watch my bin waiting for him to come back and ask if he can have that bottle as well.
Oh and I need a new Telly any ideas of what to get?
User Reviews
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-08-28 10:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup Yup...
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2007-08-28 04:14:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-08-23 13:46:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-08-23 08:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-08-23 07:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The day I invite strange men into my house to give me advice on dairy produce and rob me is the day I will go down on Judy Finnigan.
Oh, wait - that was last wednesday.
my mistake...
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2007-08-23 02:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How are you?
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2007-08-22 20:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
don't invite strange tramps into the house
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-08-22 19:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Always entertaining.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-22 17:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YOU PIG!
*runs off quickly*
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-08-22 14:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-08-22 14:34:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-22 14:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-08-22 14:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:58:22 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God intrudes on your life uninvited, requires you to speak one particulal dialect in order to communicate with Him, and rewards your kind actions with the loss of your money, the waste of your time, and a fear for your safety which you did not have before He showed up.
It was not God at your place, Drogo, it was organized religion. It can sometimes look like God.
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extreeeeeeeemely well-put, skrap.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-08-22 13:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God intrudes on your life uninvited, requires you to speak one particulal dialect in order to communicate with Him, and rewards your kind actions with the loss of your money, the waste of your time, and a fear for your safety which you did not have before He showed up.
It was not God at your place, Drogo, it was organized religion. It can sometimes look like God.
Submitted by Prime36L (user info) at 2007-08-22 13:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always knew God would be a dick.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-08-22 13:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-22 12:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-08-22 12:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like you.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-08-22 12:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And to think you cooked for him too, the absolute nerve of some deities.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-08-22 12:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-08-22 11:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi,drogo!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jebus, sounds like life took a shit right on you. I sorrys :(
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm giving you this +2 b/c I'm not one to break a streak, but know that it is not done with a smile on my face. In fact, I didn't even read this, and refuse to do so until you use the ideas that people sent you (namely ME) to write a story.
--
Allow me to apologise for the lack of use of them. I have been busy with house crap, namely a ceiling collapse and have been absent.
I have the ideas you sent and will set about using them asap.
Sorry for the delay.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Always a pleasure.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Day God Found You, actually.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm giving you this +2 b/c I'm not one to break a streak, but know that it is not done with a smile on my face. In fact, I didn't even read this, and refuse to do so until you use the ideas that people sent you (namely ME) to write a story.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Firstly, you have a very big poking stick. Secondly go into Dixons, ask the store assitant to spin your round, then point randomly at a selection of Televisions and go with your instincts, never failed for me.
I have 33 irons :)
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, just awesome.
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2007-08-22 10:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/101260