I'm STILL a Dick, and this time It was on Purpose ( The AMEX Chronicles) (1413 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.73 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Anthony Locascio (View user info) at 2007-08-22 15:37:07 EDT
About three weeks ago I posted about my trouble concerning my American Express card. Not long after the very nasty and rancorous phone call they paid me, my wife found a new job at a higher salary and things were looking up for our household, which meant I could get rid of the balance within a few months. I figured I could spare two hundred a paycheck, which would mean four months and this bill would be cleared.
Not a week later I get another phone call from, you guessed it, collections agency, the same company, the SAME WOMAN. Kim Kirkland. She sort of soft-pedaled the last conversation. Now, keeping in mind from my previous post - I am not a dick. I knew that the fifty dollars a month that I offered originally wasn't probably enough to work with, but now I had a real plan and a real time frame to pay what I owed. That would definitely be helpful, right? Nuh-uh, sorry jack. Do not pass GO, do not collect a damn thing. Collection agencies are like semi-drunk Frat boy dates - really nice, until you tell them 'no'. As in, "No, I don't have sixteen hundred dollars in cash to give you."
She didn't want fifty dollars, she didn't want two hundred dollars, she wanted it all. NOW. RIGHT THEN. "You need to locate this money," she said tersely.
"Fine. I located sixteen hundred bucks. It's in the Suntrust bank down the street. Now you need to locate me a ski mask and a handgun and I'll go get it."
Things devolved from there and soon we were shouting at each other again. Then I said I was recording the call and she hung up faster than a fart dissipating into a whirlwind. I got more messages over the week, always the same person, always the same tone of voice. Apparently, we weren't going to get anywhere unless I had sixteen hundred in cash. I'm telling you now, if I hand a woman sixteen hundred bucks, it's going to be in Vegas and it's going to be a dollar at a time.
So now, here I am, after being hung up on TWICE, and she's still calling me. I decided that if she was going to keep calling, I should have more fun with it than just an argument that left me wanting to crush someone's windpipe between my thumb and forefinger. I tossed around a few skits in my head. One involved me telling her that I was currently on a street corner selling my body to make the money back, and did she have any wardrobe tips for me to help increase business. Then I decided that the best route to go was to play the "You keep calling me back" angle.
I missed her calls twice on Monday and Tuesday and kicked myself for them. Today, however, the confluence of events was ideal - I was stuck at home today because of an eye infection that has kept me from driving. The phone rings, and I can see its her on the caller ID. Same woman, same number, isn't she really asking for this? I took a deep breath and answered the phone.
"This is Tony!" I cheerfully.
"Tony, Kim Kirkland here."
I grinned. This was going to be absolute heaven.
We went back and forth a bit. I told her about how I had the two hundred and had paid through AMEX's website. She wanted to know why I hadn't done it through her company, and I told her it was because she'd hung up on me twice and I don't do business with those people. She lied and told me she hadn't hung up on me, but hey, I wasn't expecting anything else. I just wanted to go into my routine....
"You know, Kim," I said as I fumbled with the computer, "I asked myself why would you call me back if you hung up on me. Why do you keep calling me..." I started the music, softly at first, on my computer. "And then I understood...It was difficult, but finally...I understood...This distance between us...it just makes things so much harder..." Music up a little louder.
"Um, yes I know what you mean," she said haltingly. "I want to help you..." Music a little louder.
"This depth of feeling, between two people....I mean...you can't deny it any more than I can, can you? That's why you keep calling back." Music still louder. I switched her to speaker phone. "And I don't want to deny it. I want to sing it out loud..." Music up nearly all the way. Specifically, Benny Mardones, "If I Could Fly". You gotta love the soft ballads of the 80s, folks.
"OHHH! IF I COULD FLY, I'D PICK YOUUUU UP, I'D TAKE YOU INTO THE NIGHT, AND SHOW YOOOOUUUU LOVE, LIKE YOU'VE NEEEEEEEVER SEEEN, EEEEEEVER SEEEEN, WHOOOOOOOOYEAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Silence. My cue to keep singing.
"IIIIITS' LIKE HAVING A DREAM....WHERENOBODY HAS A HEEEEEEEARRRRRT.....IT'S LIKE HAVING IT ALL...WATCHING IT AAAAALLLL FALL APAAAAAAART....."
"Okay, Sir, are you done with your little games?" She said. She wasn't digging it? I turned the music up louder.
"IIIIII CAN'T MEASURE MY LOOOOOVE, THERE NOTHING TO COMPARE IT TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I accidentally fucked up the lyrics here. There was a line before the one above, so I just sang it again, slightly modified of course.
"IIIII CAN'T MEASURE MY LOOOOOVE, BUT I GOT AT LEAST EIGHT INCHES FOR YOOOOOOOUUUUUU! AND I WAAAAANT YOU TO KNOOOOOOOW...."
I had no idea when the call ended or where she hung up, I just finished the song, plunked the phone down in the cradle to charge, and started thinking of what to do the next time she calls. I've decided I'll pay a dollar every time she calls and stays on the phone for sixty seconds. That's a lot of bits, but I'm up to the challenge. After all, I may be a dick, but I'm a creative one.
Oh, and if anyone doesn't believe me, yes, I really did do this.
Benny Mardones is a pedophile, but the song is pretty good. Have a listen and get frisky with someone you love.
Bennythepedophile.mp3 (979 kB) [audio/mpeg]
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-03 15:34:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhhaaaaah haaaa haaaaa.
Not bad.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2007-09-28 18:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tony - how's it goin?
been a while..
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-23 19:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-08-23 15:45:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some shit that I've pulled on telemarketers:
"No. YOU owe ME $800."
"I really don't want to save money on my long distance. In fact, I'm a multi-millionaire. Do you have any plans that actually cost more?"
"So, uh, what are you wearing?"
"Me no Engleesh."
"So, how's the weather where you're at? It's raining here. I saw a deer on my way home from work today. We had pizza for supper. (continue stating random things about yourself that noone really cares about.)"
"Domino's Pizza. We deliver."
I'm tired of typing this.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-08-23 13:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
: )
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-23 09:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have her full name, find out where she lives. Camp outside her house, and have the calls forwarded from your home to your cell phone. Pay close attention to what she is wearing.
Next time she calls, it should go something like this:
KK: Sir, I need the $1600
You: That's a nice white blouse you have on.
KK: Excuse me?
You: Goes well with that black skirt. And you know what? My P.O. is letting me go out...so whaddya say I put those stilettos you have on in the air and give you a ravaging - whether you like it or not. Because you don't have any self esteem and it doesn't matter where you get it from as long as you get it, you dirty dirty slut.
She won't ever call again. Don't let the police inquiries stop you.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-08-23 08:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111137#2504995
Can't wait to see that...
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-08-23 08:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Way to stick it to the man.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-08-23 07:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now i have that song stuck in my head, thanx ya douche
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-22 23:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe I'm giving this a plus two. I'm an Arkansan, you see, and if it wasn't for assholes like you I could have an American Express card. I hope you can live with yourself.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-08-22 18:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-22 17:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uh, generally collection companies block their number when they call, but good story nonetheless.
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yeah the retards that were calling for someone else on my number repeatedly despite me telling them i'm not fucking blah blah blah vasquez or whatever the hell her name was didn't block their number either.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-08-22 17:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-22 16:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry about the typos
=================
So im gathering that you were on the New York side at the casino there. I've never been to that casino before, only the ones on the canadian side. Next trip I will def. be parousing those tables. Why the fuck is Niagara Falls, NY such a shanty town? besides the casino it looks like Newark NJ
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2007-08-22 17:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-22 17:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uh, generally collection companies block their number when they call, but good story nonetheless.
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Generally I would guess, but not these guys. Their number is 314-576-3852, or at least that's what comes up on my caller ID when she calls. Stay your skepticism, friend, this really happened.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-08-22 17:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once told someone from a collection agency, "I'm putting on my helmet."
"Your... helmet?"
"Yes. It is lined with lead. You people can no longer get to me."
There was a moment of silence and the guy hung up. Turns out it was a record-keeping error on the other end, I didn't owe any money at all, but as the customer, it was assumed that I was the one who was wrong / withholding money / a lying cheating bastard.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-22 17:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uh, generally collection companies block their number when they call, but good story nonetheless.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-08-22 17:01:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very very nice.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-08-22 16:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-08-22 16:38:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give them hell, Tony!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-22 16:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry about the typos.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-22 16:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got there about 1pm...we had to make a stop at the Falls so the two oher guys from SC and NC who had never seen the falls sould take a gay picture.
So anyway, the tables were all filled except a $1-$2 No Limit table and I don't play those. So I signed up for the $3-6 and the $5-10 No Limits.
And waited. And waited. Now, it's almost 3pm and I haven't played a hand and I'm getting sleepy.
So I asked them to put me at ANY table. 15 minutes later, I get to play $1-2. WHOOPPEEE
I make $100 or so in about 15 minutes, and now they have an opening at $2-5. I move there. 20 minutes later, I'm losing and they have an opening at $5-10, but do I really want to move again, when we're leaving at 6:30pm so we can get back to Rochester and I can go molest one of my old shag pieces?
No.
So I lost about $350 on a bad beat at that table - some idiot played QK unsuited when I pre-flop raised 6 times the big blind and flopped a straight on my top pair, A kicker - and we left at 6:30pm.
And we ended up NOT going out that night.
The end.
You need more than 3 hours at a table to destroy everyone...at least an expert poker player like I do does.
I still can't believe I lost to those hayseeds.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-08-22 16:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done, sir.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-08-22 16:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job, dickweed. I'm proud of you. Fuck Collection Agencies.
Not that I would know anything about them. I'm loaded.
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come on shlongster the AARP hasn't called you for your dues I dont buy that.
btw how was the casino at niagara falls?
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-08-22 16:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written!
Submitted by wrinklebeast (user info) at 2007-08-22 16:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And that's when I came.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Occams_Razor (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's coffee all over my keyboard, fag teeth.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:54:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
You should spend some time acting like you have no idea who she is or why she's calling and make her explain it again every single time she calls.
kinda like going to the doctor's office.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job, dickweed. I'm proud of you. Fuck Collection Agencies.
Not that I would know anything about them. I'm loaded.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:46:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now i have that song stuck in my head, thanx ya douche
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THat's why I added it to the post, so you can hear it and get it out of your skull.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastic
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now i have that song stuck in my head, thanx ya douche
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
You should spend some time acting like you have no idea who she is or why she's calling and make her explain it again every single time she calls.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Benny Mardones, "If I Could Fly".
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you are a fucking genius, my man
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-08-22 15:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You may be a dick, but are you in a box?