UGR: Total Dissatisfaction (663 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UGR_07
Rating: 1.55 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2007-08-22 17:35:11 EDT
---Wednesday, May 9, 2007 19:08---
[LoadedShaft7835]: Hey there...are you thinking what I'm thinking...?
[CarryOnWaywardKitty]: i don't know...lol...what's on your brain
[LoadedShaft7835]: Well, Katie...you sure sound like a great gal...was wondering if...
[CarryOnWaywardKitty]: oh jeremy! you want to meet me?!?
[LoadedShaft7835]: Yeah. I mean, we HAVE been talking online for three months now.
[CarryOnWaywardKitty]: :) ...
[LoadedShaft7835]: So what do you say?
[CarryOnWaywardKitty]: well i don't know...ur a nice guy i'm sure...but...
[LoadedShaft7835]: C'mon, Katie. You're 26...you're an adult. Just like me. Sure, I'm a bit older, but we can make our own decisions, right?
[CarryOnWaywardKitty]: yeah - it IS lonely here by myself in the apartment ;)
[LoadedShaft7835]: Cool...is that a yes?
[CarryOnWaywardKitty]: sure, why not? we'll have fun :D
[LoadedShaft7835]: *grins* I promise you, Katie, you won't be disappointed. In fact, I guarantee TOTAL satisfaction. :)
[CarryOnWaywardKitty]: lol... :P :)
[LoadedShaft7835]: Okay then, how about this Friday? I can pick you up around seven o'clock.
[CarryOnWaywardKitty]: sounds good :)
---Thursday, May 10, 2007 22:48---
[LoadedShaft7835]: Hey there! Getting ready to pop off into bed...but just wanted to pop on and say hi.
[CarryOnWaywardKitty]: oh hey! how r u?
[LoadedShaft7835]: Getting excited about tomorrow night! *wink*
[CarryOnWaywardKitty]: me too :)
[LoadedShaft7835]: Just to double-check - 829 Partridge St., apartment 312, right?
[CarryOnWaywardKitty]: yup
[LoadedShaft7835]: Awesome. :) See ya in a few!
[CarryOnWaywardKitty]: good night!
---Friday, May 11, 2007 19:02---
Jeremy gently knocked on the door of room 312. A sultry voice responded, "Yes?"
"Katie? Is that you?"
"Yes..." she whispered. Just to double-check his identity, Katie continued, "And you are..."
"It's me - Jeremy." It was all he could do to not stammer and trip over his own words, he was so excited. Jeremy's heart was racing faster than it ever had for the past three years.
"Well, don't just stand out there," she chuckled. "The door's unlocked."
That was all the cue Jeremy needed. His palms sweating, he fumbled with the doorknob for a few seconds, then finally managed to open the door. As Jeremy stepped into the small, dimly lit apartment, the bedroom was in immediate view. On top of the twin mattress lay Katie, stark naked, her hair strewn across a satin pillowcase.
Jeremy's jaw dropped, and the flowers he had been hiding behind his back fell to the floor. "Katie?"
"DAD?!?!?"
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-24 15:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Prime36L (user info) at 2007-08-22 18:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What kind of shit-ass father doesn't know his daughter's address?
===
HAHAHA- BUSTED.
I generally refuse to read IM conversations on Ubersite, but I made an exception for this.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-08-24 07:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-08-23 00:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was good, but suspension of disbelief only goes so far.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-23 19:39:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-23 19:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-08-23 15:11:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-23 12:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"[LoadedShaft7835]: Hey there! Getting ready to pop off into bed...but just wanted to pop on and say hi."
A bit awkward with the back to back use of "pop." Also, genre-wise, it would be a stretch to include this in action/adventure.
---------------------------------------
Yeah, I meant to get rid of one of those, but proofread too quickly.
Re: action/adventure - see my initial comment below.
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-23 12:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"[LoadedShaft7835]: Hey there! Getting ready to pop off into bed...but just wanted to pop on and say hi."
A bit awkward with the back to back use of "pop." Also, genre-wise, it would be a stretch to include this in action/adventure.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-08-23 12:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a good man, Charlie Brown.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-23 09:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-08-23 09:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-08-22 19:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's a much better story here.
----------------------------------
Agreed. This is what happens when I start with a punchline and develop the story "backwards" chronologically. I really need to stop doing that.
That, and it was written in about all of twenty minutes. If I should make it to round two, I'll have to step up my game for certain.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-08-23 08:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-23 08:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, i may drop this to +1.5 if i feel like it later but it was ammusing.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-08-23 03:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-08-23 02:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-08-23 00:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was good, but suspension of disbelief only goes so far.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-22 23:21:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ew
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-08-22 21:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made steak smile.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-22 20:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read this.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-08-22 19:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's a much better story here.
Your basic premise, though ancient, certainly holds comic possibilities, but they went unrealized.
First, the instant message conversation wasn't believable.
Second, communicating online for three months without meeting or exchanging last names while living in the same city indicates a social reticence which makes the nude introduction completely out of character.
I think they would have at least traded pictures by that time.
Plus, the guy brought her flowers, which only further conveys formality in the relationship.
It's a trifle and hardly worth the time, but it is fixable.
One option would have been to make their latest online dialogue sexually charged, and the time period until the actual meeting much, much shorter.
Like an hour.
That way, the father and daughter could have just cyber-fucked, and, caught up in the moment, decided to immediately make their on-line sexcapades a reality.
But that's really an entirely different story.
The picture is too cutesy, also.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2007-08-22 18:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-08-22 18:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi, CT!
Submitted by Prime36L (user info) at 2007-08-22 18:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What kind of shit-ass father doesn't know his daughter's address?
The kind who trolls online for young girls to bang...never mind, I answered my own question.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-08-22 17:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AYE AYE EL CAPITANO
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-22 17:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought this was gonna be 'to catch a predator'.
Good twist, I liked it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-08-22 17:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
UGR round 1 hub link: http://www.ubersite.com/m/111035
What? This IS an action/adventure entry! They were looking for action, and got an adventure!