UGR - Six Toes to Paradise (1054 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.86 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jeanneee (View user info) at 2007-08-22 22:03:16 EDT
Pink Elmore yawned, sighed and scratched. Surveyed her neat but tired living room, took one last eye-rolling look at the cable news program she was only half listening to, and decided to turn in. "I ain't studying these fools. Nothing but blood and Godless politicking," she said to no one. The television and satellite dish had been her oldest son Dory's idea. He figured since she wasn't running things out at the produce stand anymore, she might like to have something to look at, something to occupy her mind besides her pet dogs. "Not much to look at no way," was Pink's ready opinion. But she secretly liked to flip fast through the channels, settling at random on smiley infomercial hawkers or slow-motion shark bites. She liked having the Weather Channel too. The weather on the island was so fickle.
She stood haltingly up from her rocker, still scratching. The phone rang, sending a cold jolt of adrenaline out through the small of her back, and she lurched to grab the handset. The cord was kinked back in on itself so many times that it had formed a hard, ugly knot the size of a melon. Pink had tried with much whispered cursing to pick it apart, but her fingers were too stiff and her patience was short.
"Hi Mama how you doing." It was Anthony, her third son, calling from his new home in Cabo San Lucas. Anthony was in showbusiness, as he liked to tell people. He played the drums in the house band at a fancy resort hotel. He had sent Pink postcards and brochures, imploring her almost daily to come down there and stay awhile. "You'll love it, Mama. It's so pretty here you'll never want to go back to Morris Island," he would rhapsodize. Anthony didn't like her living by herself in the old house, and he wouldn't rest until she was safe down there in tourist paradise with him. She always demurred. She liked home, with her dogs and her grandbabies nearby.
"I'm doing all right baby. Jest fine. Dory and Charles tole me to tell you hello," Pink said. Same thing she always said. They chatted for a minute, perfunctorily, since Pink fretted about the long distance charges. Anthony had tried to assure her it didn't matter, but nobody could ever convince her of anything. Her obstinate nature was her sons' favorite thing about her, after her cooking. "Good night, Mama," Anthony crooned. "Lord bless and keep you." "You too baby."
The old woman shuffled and creaked out to the back yard to check on her other babies, her six Rottweilers, one last time before locking up for the night. They were draped sleepily over one another in their wood-fenced run. "Night sleepy heads," she called to them. Twelve molasses-colored eyes twitched toward the sound of her voice, and satisfied, she locked the door and went to bed.
What woke her was the stink. It was a wretched, foreign stink and she opened her eyes to it, befuddled. A skinny, long haired white boy looked passively back at her from the foot of her bed. "Well good morning," he snarled at her. Pink stared. A crash echoed from the living room, then a hoarse shout. "I know you've got some money in here you dried up old nigger. Tell us where it is and we gone leave," came the rawboned honk from the next room. Hillbillies, she concluded. Drug addicts, looking to steal from her. "No," she croaked. "Get out of my house, I got no money." She drew up the covers and restively returned the one boy's sneer.
"She say something?" The crude shout bounced again from the living room. "Yeah, she said we should get out," laughed the bed-sitter. "Nasty old bitch ain't very friendly." His gristly, needle-marked arm shot out and pinned Pink's shoulder to the bed. "I think you need to learn how to treat a guest proper, cunt." He wheezed with laughter and blew his stench all over the place. Pink's eyes burned. Her free hand darted under her pillow and pawed for what she knew was there - cool, smooth metal, reassuring her with its solid presence. She raised it, quick as a snake striking, put it to her lips, and blew air with all the force her old lungs could put behind it.
Before either man was aware that Pink had even reacted, the Rottweilers were baying, piling into the rickety house through the same extra-large dog door that the intruders themselves had used. Three dogs set upon each, as if they had run drills for such an occasion. Perhaps they had. Pink remained upright in her bed, serene as a duchess, watching her babies do their work.
When it was over, the dogs sat smartly in a row at the foot of the bed, awaiting their mistress's assessment. She rose from the bed carefully, patting herself for injuries and allowing for her rusty joints, and craned sidelong at the floor. The bed-sitter was splayed by the chest of drawers with his throat in pieces next to him. One of his hands had been torn off at the wrist, and his clothes looked like a pile of quilting scraps. His sneer was intact. Tiptoeing into the living room, she found the one who had called her a nigger. She had not seen his face before, so she didn't know if his expression had been the same before she blew the dog whistle. He had been disemboweled. His insides strung out every which way. Apparently he had turned to run from the dogs, because one had taken him down at the ankles, ripping shoes and flesh from the feet. She was startled to note six toes on one of the pitiful exposed feet. "My Lord," she said out loud. She shook her head and clucked, disapproving, like a temperamental hen at the roost. "My Lord, my Lord, my Lord." She shuffled into the kitchen for the can of dog treats, crooning wordlessly for her babies. They followed, lined up in precise single file to receive their rewards.
Perhaps Cabo San Lucas wasn't so bad, Pink realized. The tropical weather might cure her stiffness, and her sons Dory and Charles would be good foster parents for the Rottweilers. She returned to the bedroom, taking care not to track through the remains of her visitors, and began to gather up her things. There would be a long, dusty trip ahead, and she didn't want to forget anything.
User Reviews
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-08-31 13:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? *looks angelic*
come on - good clean fun for all! What's wrong with that?
(I'd have dropped the comment on your newest post, but I'm at work... can't do NSFW {that feels oddly redundant})
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Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-30 20:19:23 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAHAHAHAHAHA
Crystle, shut the fuck up you whorebag. I will tapdance on your liver.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-08-26 02:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I should at least say nice work, even if i didnt know about this soon enough to submit anything to contend with.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-25 23:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks kre8rix and Sacrilicious.
I would post more of my writing, but I almost never write anything. Only when I'm forced to, like for school... or when I enter an internet contest wherein a forfeit would cause me to lose face and possibly have to commit suicide to avoid heaping shame upon my family.
Writing anything beyond a few sentences in length is difficult for me. I have a treasonously short attention span, plus I think everything I write is a steaming pile of crap.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2007-08-25 21:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice...very very nice...
I like stories where dogs eat people.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-24 20:17:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only question I have is the relation to the title..what inspired this?
I say this ad nauseum on uber, because there's only so many ways to say "good imagery"..but this proves you're a strong writer of description; it's fantastic. And you managed a good story in relatively few words. I wish you'd post more of your writing.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-24 08:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-23 22:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Two guys getting ripped apart by vicious dogs isn't enough action for you, scourge? You need more? OK.
Before breaking into the old lady's house, the 2 hillbillies climbed Mount Everest and then banged a dozen teenaged meth whores. TA-DA
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write the prequel!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-08-24 08:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was fuckin' excellent...
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-08-24 04:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-23 22:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Two guys getting ripped apart by vicious dogs isn't enough action for you, scourge? You need more? OK.
Before breaking into the old lady's house, the 2 hillbillies climbed Mount Everest and then banged a dozen teenaged meth whores. TA-DA
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-23 19:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-23 19:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-23 14:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by KazuSpeed (user info) at 2007-08-23 08:10:30 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heyy its Michael Vick's mom!
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dang, you beat me to it
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-08-23 14:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-23 14:02:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i guess i could complain about the weak tie-in to the title, and the fact that this wasn't action/adventure... but this title was balls and how many indiana jones stories can one really stand before they start throwing shit at the screen?
Submitted by Prime36L (user info) at 2007-08-23 14:01:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bored me, didn't finish.
Submitted by lover101 (user info) at 2007-08-23 13:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-08-23 13:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-08-23 12:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by For_Pony (user info) at 2007-08-23 12:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 For adhering to the action/adventure stipulation.
+1 For dags. I like dags.
-1 For a rather mediocre story.
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-23 12:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be a 1.5 with the crappy character name but I'll round up for the excellent job with the title.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-23 11:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by KazuSpeed (user info) at 2007-08-23 11:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heyy its Michael Vick's mom!
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oh dear
Submitted by KazuSpeed (user info) at 2007-08-23 11:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heyy its Michael Vick's mom!
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-08-23 10:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-23 10:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yessir, I like it.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-23 09:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You did well with a difficult title.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-08-23 09:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-23 09:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yum
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-23 05:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pinks a lovely name and Pinks very lovely, Lilly the pink teh pink the pink, the leader of, the human raaaaa aaace.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-08-23 02:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-08-23 02:32:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i give this two moo's
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-08-23 00:36:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Doesn't quite sit right with me.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-22 23:29:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why the hell not!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-22 22:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bosh is as bosh does.