Uber Go Round (UBR): This New Moon Shines (748 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Haiku Mikoo (View user info) at 2007-08-23 00:44:00 EDT
Yeah, I had a way better idea, but it was incredibly complicated, and I reeeaaally didn't feel like writing for an extended period of time, but I also didn't want to be a forfeiting asshole. Blah Blah Blah here's my contest entry. Oh yeah, link to the dooby shnarf, http://www.ubersite.com/m/111035
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Max was a simple person, who could be best described as, average. He didn't have any special talents or skills, he wasn't exceptionally strong and he wasn't good at any sports, but he was a good person. He was kind to everyone, even when they didn't accept them or were cruel to him. The love he had for people close to him was unconditional, and he was an exceptionally protective and loyal person, although he had never really had a chance to show it.
He certainly didn't deserve this. Sure, it had always been clear how his step-brothers had felt about him, they had hated him from the first time they met, he and his Father. His step-brothers were born and raised on a farm, whereas Max and his Father only knew the city. The only thing they had in common was the fact that their parents married each other. His step-brothers had made his life unnecessarily difficult as a child, that much was certain, but he never imagined they were capable of doing this to him.
One day Max's Father and his Step Mother had gone on vacation, they were supposed to be gone for two weeks. The third night they were gone, Max was rudely awakened from a deep sleep by his three step brothers bounding and gagging him. He didn't have time to recognize what was happening or actually attempt to resist them before he was completely bound and rendered motionless, not that it would have mattered. They carried him outside to the fallout shelter Max's Father had paid them to build, locking him inside with nothing but the food and supplies contained within. They had been kind enough to untie his hands, at least.
The door was locked from the outside, at first he had tried to force it open, but only succeeded in breaking his foot while awkardly trying to kick it down. He soon gave up on the idea of breaking open the door by force, realizing someone like him could never kick down a door designed to withstand bombs.
Max had figured it was just an incredibly cruel prank, that they might let him out in a few days. However, no one ever came to his aid. Then, he assumed when his Father got home, he would be found and set free, but it never happened. Max had no idea how much time had passed in the shelter, but he knew it had been far more than two weeks, and when it felt that months had passed, he feared he may never see his Father again.
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Time went on, he was pretty sure it had at least been a year now, and Max was leaning more and more towards suicide as the only escape from this hell. It wasn't the lack of luxuries of house and home that made it so bad, it went deeper than that. The lack of any human interaction simultaneously cut him off from any human emotions. He didn't get to feel the love from his Father, or even the hatred of his step brothers...he didn't feel anything. It was almost to the point where he had to force himself to be depressed, just so he could feel human. More than anything Max simply missed being outside.
Max didn't kill himself, instead he tried to recall memories of his Father. It didn't help very much to ease his torment, but at the very least it helped pass the time. Max remembered the last time he had seen his father. His Father was about to leave on vacation, and Max was begging him not to go. He pleaded with his Father to take him with him, he didn't want to be alone with his step brothers. His Father had told him everything would be fine, and promised to make it up to him camping when he got back, just the two of them.
Max began to picture what it would have been like if it had actually happened. He imagined pitching the tent with his father. Of course, they would have to go fishing, Max had never been fishing. They would gut and clean the fish together, they would cook and eat them together. At night, they would sit around a fire with wood they had chopped themselves and roast marshmallows, and just talk. They would lay next to each other outside on the ground before they went to sleep, and stare up at the stars. They would talk about how they had never seen the Moon look so big, it would be a full moon, it would be beautiful...it would be perfect. Max almost felt a sense of happiness, and for some reason, hope, for the first time in months. He fell asleep with these perfect images running through his head.
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Max awoke to the sound of multiple locks clicking open. He managed to shake off his sleepiness by the time the handle on the door started to turn. Had someone finally come to rescue him? Was he about to actually go outside after all this time? Would he be able to see his father!?
Max immediately felt immeasurably stupid for having such hopeful thoughts the second he saw his eldest step brother Henry walk through the door, holding a gun in his hand.
Max was overwhelmed by the emotions he felt, after all, it had been so long since he felt any at all. He didn't wonder why Henry was here, why after all this time he would bother to open the door. He didn't think about the gun, or what Henry was planning on doing. He didn't consider that his other step brothers may or may not be with Henry, he didn't think at all. He couldn't even begin to contain the extreme feelings of hatred he had for this (NOUN), but even more so he couldn't supress the overpowering urge to run out the open door.
He leapt to his feet before Henry could say a single word, charging past the dark figure and into the outside world. He felt the wind on his face as he ran, actual wind! He didn't even care when he felt the bullets sear through his legs, knocking him to the ground, he was too elated to concern himself with that.
He simply lay there, happier than he had ever been. He looked up at the sky, paying no mind to the fact that he was probably about to die. He couldn't believe what he was actually looking up at.
He stared at the moon, it was just as beautiful as he had imagined it in the daydream with his Father. Max felt as if his Father was laying right next to him, he didn't even have to turn his head to know it was true.
Max didn't hear the footsteps of his approaching murderer, nor did he hear the cliché speech delivered before the trigger was pulled. He didn't feel the bullet that teared through his heart, or the extreme pain accompanying it. The sadistic laughter of his step brothers didn't reach his ears as he died.
It was just him, his father, and the moon.
It was perfect.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-24 11:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good effort. I agree with Fey's comments below. And always proofread. Unless it's stream of consciousness or something- Always.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-08-24 08:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think I liked this as a possible outline for a longer story
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-23 19:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-08-23 14:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting read, but the aforementioned plot holes and inconsistencies render this a 1 from me. Sorry dude.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-23 14:08:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-23 06:58:01 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ehm.
You plunged us too quickly, too deeply, into something that needed more build up to be believable. My normal take on "stepbrother" isn't "psychotic" even if the relationship is strained, so it wasn't quite credible that they would do what they did.
I got no sense of time passing, you told us it passed but didn't show us. He seems very calm about the whole thing, whereas I would assume the natural response would be more similiar to the grieving process of shock/denial/anger/self-recrimination/acceptance (or however it actually goes). I'd have liked to see more of his thoughts about his incarceration, learnt more about how he knew time had passed, been more inside his head.
The physical surroundings needed to be expanded more, what did it look like? How did he get his food, after the orginial supplies ran out? Where was his toilet/bucket/whatever? Did he suffer from the lack of exercise/space to move?
How old was he? I don't know if my reading comprehension failed me on this one, but I didn't get a grip on who he was in terms of age, personality, etc. It's relevant in that if he were younger, he'd be less able to cope.
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I was completely aware of the utter lack of detail, so I'll give a slightly more detailed explanation than the little disclaimer tagged onto the actual post.
I started writing a far more complicated story, with in depth character descriptions and a plot that actually could be action/adventure, thinking I was going to actually have time to write it.
Writing things was interrupted by having to go help my roommate and a friend of ours cut down trees. The friend sells them in the winter, and he's going to let us have free firewood for the winter on top of paying us. Anyways, I was told I was going to be doing that all day today too, so thinking I wouldn't have time, I discarded the longer story (I'm going to write it later though, when I have time and am willing to put effort forth).
So, tired from doing physical things, and with bloody, wounded hands, I churned out this story as quickly as I could, in an attempt to get it the fuck over with, and not be a forfeiting cunt.
The End.
Submitted by Prime36L (user info) at 2007-08-23 13:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Doesn't make any sense the way it is right now, but if you actually expanded and created some motivation/backstory, it might be good.
Submitted by For_Pony (user info) at 2007-08-23 12:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't really have anything good to say about this one.
A) Why would a bomb shelter door be locked from the OUTSIDE? Wouldn't that defeat the purpose?
B) What about his father? I would assume he would've searched for him.
C) Fey's points are all correct and relevant, although I will say my own Step-brother is a fucking psycho (literally).
D) This just was not enjoyable for me. There were far too many holes in this that needed explanation.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-23 10:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-23 09:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-23 09:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ehm.
You plunged us too quickly, too deeply, into something that needed more build up to be believable. My normal take on "stepbrother" isn't "psychotic" even if the relationship is strained, so it wasn't quite credible that they would do what they did.
I got no sense of time passing, you told us it passed but didn't show us. He seems very calm about the whole thing, whereas I would assume the natural response would be more similiar to the grieving process of shock/denial/anger/self-recrimination/acceptance (or however it actually goes). I'd have liked to see more of his thoughts about his incarceration, learnt more about how he knew time had passed, been more inside his head.
The physical surroundings needed to be expanded more, what did it look like? How did he get his food, after the orginial supplies ran out? Where was his toilet/bucket/whatever? Did he suffer from the lack of exercise/space to move?
How old was he? I don't know if my reading comprehension failed me on this one, but I didn't get a grip on who he was in terms of age, personality, etc. It's relevant in that if he were younger, he'd be less able to cope.
I don't know how to rate this. It was flawed, potential unrealised. 1.5
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-23 09:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
needed something...but a good read.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-08-23 09:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-23 09:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-08-23 09:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like this and i don't, can't really put my finger on it but I am going to go +1.5
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-23 05:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh? I think I like but theres something I cant put my finger on......hmmm anyway I think you should be proud.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-08-23 02:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-23 01:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-08-22 22:20:25 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Yeah, sometimes I leave things like that (amongst other notes for myself when I write) to come back to later. I decided not to proofread, and doop doop doop
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-08-23 01:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I meant to give you a plus 1, sorry
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-08-23 01:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
(NOUN)
But I liked it, and you're right, this is nothing like the one we talked about.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-08-23 01:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
NOUN
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-08-23 01:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Rejection (user info) at 2007-08-23 00:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The ending was disappointing.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-23 00:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Huh?
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-08-23 00:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
... What?