UGR - Little Plastic Army Men (590 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie Derkins (View user info) at 2007-08-23 16:46:56 EDT
"Well, are you going to eat it or not?"
Ugh.
"You have ten seconds to eat it or..."
"Yeah, yeah." I stared down at the squirming plate of night crawlers and sighed. I picked out the skinniest one I could find and dropped it into my open mouth. I swallowed it whole and tried to ignore the cold, slick sensation of it gliding down my throat.
"You're not doing it right. You have to chew."
"What?"
"Chew."
Dammit. I grabbed another skinny one and popped it in. I felt it flop over on my tongue against one of my molars. I retched.
"Remember: if you throw up, you lose."
I glared at Gary and began to defiantly chew on the worm, trying to pretend it was spaghetti. Juicy, slimy and bitter spaghetti. I retched again and then quickly swallowed. I smacked my lips as I opened my mouth and raised my tongue to show it was gone.
"Keep going," smirked Gary, "you have to eat nine more."
I pinched another off the plate and chowed down. He wasn't going to get the satisfaction of seeing me lose, not now. Seventeen people had been bested up to this point, now it was between me, Janey and Rick. Originally I was doing it for the money. Now it was to rub my victory in that jerkoff 's face. The million dollars would be nice too, mind you. I swallowed the mushy pulp of my tenth night crawler and opened my mouth for inspection. Gary got up close and went to lift my tongue with his finger.
"Careful," I grinned, "You might lose that finger. I'm still hungry."
Gary flinched and scowled at me. He turned back to the camera and smiled.
"Well, looks like Carrie has finished the challenge!" he said through his teeth, "But if both Rick and Janey can beat her time, then she is OUT. Rick, you're up!"
Rick bellied up to the table and took in the sight of the churning pile on his plate. He flashed a toothy grin at the camera as he stirred the slimy mess with his finger. I'd grown to like him over the course of this horrid show. I hate to use a cliché reality show phrase like "alliance", but we definitely had an understanding. I sat back to watch his guaranteed win, this guy had guts of steel. Rick held up a fat one and waved it in front of the camera before tipping back his head and dropping it in. He chewed it vigorously and with a smile. Then his eyes bugged out right before he puked all over the table. A chorus of disgusted "AAAWWWHHH" came from the crew as Rick's face flushed and he pounded the sloppy tabletop with his fist.
"Son of a motherless whore!" he bellowed, "I had it for SURE! What the fuck is wrong with me? Shit goddamn mother fucker!"
"It's a good thing this isn't live." muttered the sound man beside me.
"Well, looks like Rick is OUT of the competition. Tough luck, Rick." Gary beamed, "Don't go away, because Janey is up to the plate next. Ha ha!"
"Cut!" yelled the director and grabbed the guy next to him, "Okay, in editing, make sure to do a few loops of him throwing up. And add in some extra 'BLORP' noises. Take lunch, everyone!"
"Jesus wept," muttered the camera guy, "Who'd want lunch now?"
"I'm sorry, Rick." I soothed, patting his shoulder.
"Smug bastard," Rick muttered, eyeing Gary as he wiped his mouth with a towel, "I'd like to see HIM stomach some worms."
"That would make him a cannibal."
"Thanks, Carrie," Rick laughed sadly, "I guess the good news is that we won't have to face each other. I really didn't want to have to wipe the floor with you."
"Oh-ho! Strong words from a loser!" I grinned, elbowing him in the side, "I'm glad too. But now I have to go up against Janey. She's pretty tough."
"Come on," Rick rolled his eyes, "the only reason she advanced in the last challenge is because she had told Tim that there was a Brown Recluse hidden in the tank with the Tarantulas."
"Really?" I looked at Janey with surprise, she was over talking to the P.A.
"Yes. He wouldn't have freaked out and lost otherwise. Just don't let her rattle your cage and you're golden."
"Okay," I sighed. "I can do this. You'll stay and watch, right?"
"You bet."
I turned and saw Gary looking my way, talking to Janey. He averted his eyes when he noticed me looking at him. Shit. I went to the catering table and grabbed a bagel.
"Want some water to wash down those worms?" said Janey from behind me.
"Laugh it up, smartass. You're next."
"Actually, Gary said I only have to eat one to advance with you."
"WHAT? That's bullshit!"
"Don't shoot the messenger, sweet cheeks. That's just how it is."
I considered kicking her in her smug bitch face, but decided that I'd just rub my win in it instead when all was said and done. That would be punishment enough. Or maybe....
"Okay people!" the director bellowed, "Lunch is over, let's get back to it!"
I stood next to Janey beside the table. Gary took position in front and plastered a shit-eating grin on his face as they started shooting again.
"Welcome back to Chicken Out or Cash In. When we left, Rick couldn't hack it and has been eliminated."
I shot a glance at Rick, who was gnawing on his knuckles to keep from butchering Gary with a plastic butter knife.
"Janey," said Gary, turning back to us, "Since Rick is out, you're guaranteed advancement. But we need you to eat at least one worm."
"Okay, you got it." Janey's saccharine tone was making me ill. As she crossed in front of me, I stuck out my foot. She sailed headlong into the table and landed face first into the plate of worms. Rick burst out laughing as the director yelled for the cameras to stop shooting.
"YOU BITCH!" screamed Janey, standing back up and wiping her eyes. She still had a worm in her hair and one hanging over her left ear. I tried to look innocent and stifle a smirk as she stormed towards me. Two crew members stepped in front of her.
"I'm sorry, sweet cheeks." I matched the sickly sweet lilt of her voice, "It was an accident! I think there's a mosquito in here, I had to swat it off my leg..."
"Save it." Gary snarled, "Just for that, she doesn't have to eat ANY worms. She advances. Let's move to the next challenge!"
I didn't care, it was worth it. Rick gave me the thumbs up as the crew rolled in a short rectangular box. It was about ten feet long and three feet wide and covered with a tarp, no doubt for dramatic effect. I glanced over to the makeup station where a pouting Janey was being touched up. I nearly had an aneurysm as I saw the hair stylist pull a worm from her ponytail like it was a bomb.
"Are we ready?" bellowed the director, "God forbid that blondie has an eyelash out of place."
Janey swatted away the stylists and ran to the set. We were positioned beside the rectangular box as they locked it in place next to the platform we were on. Janey shot me a dirty look as Gary turned back to the cameras.
"Welcome back to Chicken Out or Cash In. When we left, Rick couldn't hack it and was eliminated. Janey, since Rick is out, you have advanced. We've decided to show a bit of mercy and spare you having to eat any worms."
Janey delivered a short, sharp kick to the side of my calf. I returned fire, still looking at Gary and smiling.
"So, whoever wins this next event will be the grand prize winner. Whoever loses..." he looked pointedly at me, "will be sent home with nothing. I'm going to need you ladies to remove your shoes and socks for your next and final challenge."
Confused, I took off my runners, silently cursing myself for choosing a nap instead of a pedicure. Of course Janey's feet were baby ass smooth with shiny pink polish. Dammit.
"How do your feet feel, ladies?" asked Gary, motioning for two stagehands to approach. "Because they won't feel too good after this challenge, I guarantee you."
We watched as the stagehands whipped the tarp off the box.
"Are those....are those little plastic army guys?" I asked
"You bet they are." Gary replied through his smug smile, "And take a wild guess what you and your bare feet get to do?"
Janey groaned quietly next to me. I silently forgave myself for skipping the pedicure.
"That's right, folks. They have to walk the entire length of this box filled with those pointy little toys! Any mother who has ever stepped on one that their kids have carelessly left on the floor knows that it doesn't tickle!"
He turned to us, but kept his face angled towards camera two. He pointed to the box and winked. I heard Janey swallow hard next to me. I could tell without looking at her that her eyes were welling up.
"Now," he said, "There will be no hopping or running. You must walk, heel toe, heel toe, all the way across. Carrie, since you went first for the last challenge, Janey will start this one."
Janey glared at him with her mouth agape, and then walked slowly towards the box. I could see the sweat glistening on her forehead in the harsh stage lighting. She took a deep breath, lifted a trembling foot and placed it as delicately as she could onto the little plastic army men. She stood with all her weight on the platform foot for a full ten seconds before she closed her eyes and shifted her weight. She screamed as she swung her other foot into the pile of sharp plastic. She kept screaming as she took another step, and another. She made it half way down the forest of plastic bayonets before she collapsed.
"I can't!" she wept, "This is torture! Look! They're bleeding all over the place! Dammit, will they scar?"
I could see Gary's face fall as the crew dragged a sobbing Janey and her oozing tootsies from the box. He turned to me with a scowl and motioned for me to approach.
"Well, Carrie," he spat, "looks like you may be our big winner. But you need to make it farther than she did in order to do so. Good luck."
I stepped to the edge of the box and stared down at the tiny green platoon. I drew a deep, shuddering breath and took my first step.
User Reviews
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-08-25 21:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really hated the fucking dialogue in this fucking story, but it was still fucking good.
Fucking fucker.
Fuck.
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2007-08-25 20:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fun.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-24 20:44:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am equally impressed with your take on the title. And the story was fun.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-08-24 08:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a.. what an interesting take on the title...
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-24 06:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
umm no they dont dickweed, I think you will find monkeys riding tricycles do, durrrrrrrrr.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-08-24 06:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool I like it. Plastic Army men rule the world.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-24 04:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I meant to write a comment then.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-24 04:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-24 04:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have my vote.
Submitted by sparkle_pink (user info) at 2007-08-24 03:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-08-24 02:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-08-23 23:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2007-08-23 22:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great story, and character development! what the hell...?
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2007-08-23 20:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the story, plus a million if that's the foot from the Hilarious House of Frightenstein.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-23 19:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-08-23 18:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
was trying to work out the tie in to the title all the way through.
feel satisfied.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-08-23 17:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thorny - I wanted to, but I'd run out of steam and couldn't figure out a way to make the ending NOT all Disney (ie The heroine wins, the villagers rejoice, the villain shakes his fist etc).
Haiku - I'd thought about it, but it would have been hard not to make it sound like a Toy Story ripoff.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-23 17:39:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was hoping for a crazy story with plastic army men war...
The whole fear factorish thing wasn't that interesting, but this was certainly better than your competitor's.
Submitted by For_Pony (user info) at 2007-08-23 17:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, no excessive bullshit, and clearly better than the competition.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-08-23 17:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahahaha....excellent.
Would've liked to know whether the main character won, though.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-08-23 17:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-08-23 17:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-08-23 17:03:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-23 16:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Easy win.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-08-23 16:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the "forest of plastic bayonets" part. But seriously, I thought there was going to be more blood. You got me all randy for carnage, and you didn't deliver, you tease.