Fine. I admit it. I'm a pussy. (1015 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.33 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DangerPants (View user info) at 2007-08-24 11:45:46 EDT
I often wonder to myself why, after 7 years in military service, did I opt to join up with the National Guard after I was discharged? This last week has been the worst kind of hell, and I did multiple tours in Iraq. The worst assholes in the army aren't half so bad as the doosh bags in the fucking National Guard that spend all month long as "normal" people and save up all their discontent and stress to drill weekends, where they can treat anyone they outrank like an asshole.
Special deployments must make them come in their pants.
I spent the last week sleeping on the floor of an elementary school library in Encino, Texas. For no goddamned reason. And allow me to say... I have seen torsos creep across the ground after having their legs blown off. I have seen what happens to little kids that step on land mines. I have picked up a fellow soldier's fingers from the ground. But nothing.... NOTHING scares me more than an empty elementary school.
Perhaps I've played too many video games, perhaps I have seen too many zombie movies. Perhaps I'm suffering from PTSD more than I like to let on. But this is not the first encounter I have had with an abandoned elementary school that left me slightly pale and itching to get out the door. Supergirlfriend's best friend doesn't drive. A few weeks ago, I volunteered to drive him down to Emancipet to get his stupid cats fixed. I'm not sure if they have these places all over the country, but I never heard of it till I got here. Basically, it's low-cost spaying and neutering to reduce the pet population. One would think that you'd have to fall within some sort of income guidelines to take advantage of it, but it would seem not. These guys were working out of an abandoned elementary school in the "scary" part of town.
While I saw that they were legitimate once I walked through the doors, pulling into the parking lot had me wishing I had a baseball bat for when the zombie hoards attack which could have happened at any moment at all. Emancipet is clearly a non-profit organization, because they surely have no money to throw around on landscaping or de-rusting or even window washing. The place was overgrown, with sagging metal grates over several doors that looked as though they were made up of more rust than actual metal. I could hear the disembodied children's choir and stood poised for battle. Surely the demons would be advancing soon.
But no. Just frightened animals and the smell of antiseptic. Somehow, the smell of medical cleaners didn't make me feel any more at ease.
As shaken as I was after that encounter (I had to spend 10 minutes with my face buried in Supergirlfriend's boobs once I got home. I'm sure you understand), it was nothing compared to wandering empty hallways after dark and hearing the bones of an old building settle as you try to sleep in a crappy military issue sleeping bag on a cracked linoleum floor. Oddly, it was easier to be on the other side of the world from my loved ones for 18 months than it was for me to be a 7 hour truck-ride from Supergirlfriend for a week. Someone explain that to me. Some of my soldiers overheard me on the phone to her the first night and became aware of my irrational fear.
The first night, they sat outside the library door and made little-girl giggly noises that I was too freaked out to investigate. The next night, they scavenged a big red rubber ball from one of the evacuated houses and rolled it into the library, where it hit the side of my face and made me scream like Homer Simpson... just a little bit. Third night, they recruited Sgt. Frost, who has the tiniest voice I've ever heard, and she said, "Come play with us, Danny" about 5 times before I had enough and investigated. In my boxers. With a shoe and a tire iron. They had a cellphone. With a camera.
In other news, I have literally JUST found out that while I was gone, Supegirlfriend went to a porn shop with a friend to buy a new vibe. The friend was a boy. I have not decided whether or not I should be worried.
User Reviews
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-10-03 16:41:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just hook up with Sgt. Frost. She sounds hot.
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She's not. She also has the creepy voice of a 5 year old girl. Think Officer Hooks from Police Academy, except that even when she yells, she sounds creepy. Besides... Supergirlfriend cleans my apartment and washes my laundry and cooks me delicious food... she even sewed me an awesome pair of sleep pants while I was on orders. Women that domesticated are damned near impossible to find.
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If you want something that domesticated why aren't you fucking cattle?
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-08-27 01:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-08-25 00:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He's short and round and pink and has weird hair.
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Oh, so she's having sex with Kirby.
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Lmao I thought the same thing
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-27 01:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck nerds. Jocks get what they want because they earned it.
Doosh.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-26 18:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Doosh'?
that's the sound I make when I bowl into people and know them over.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-08-26 05:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should join the Air National Guard like I did when I got out of the army. No "parade rest" or "attention" bullshit, no field problems, you call everyone (including officers) by first name, retain your original active duty pay grade, and deployments usually last only 6 months max, as opposed to the Army Reserve and Army National Guard Deployment times of, like, 12-18 months.
And I did hurricane relief shit when I was in too. It sucked all sorts of ass. So here's a +2.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-25 03:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-08-25 02:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-25 02:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He's short and round and pink and has weird hair and is hung like a horse.
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My sympathies.
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-08-25 00:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He's short and round and pink and has weird hair.
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Oh, so she's having sex with Kirby.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-24 18:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
he's porking her, dude
Submitted by Prime36L (user info) at 2007-08-24 15:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's a sympathy +2 because right now your girlfriend has the vibe in her twat and her friend's cock in her ass.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-24 15:35:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by YoMikeyA (user info) at 2007-08-24 15:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 sympathy cause you're woman's cheatin on ya.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-08-24 15:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I already outed myself, douche. It's hard to keep up. Way to make it painfully obvious that what I said might actually be true and you're locking up inside over that. It's okay, dude, just upgrade.
LOL... just because you claim you're gay still doesn't mean anyone will have sex with you.
Gay or straight, unless yer paying, you ain't getting any action azurefroz.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-08-24 13:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn my bad, wrong review, strike that.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-08-24 13:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-23 07:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Some say they wait for you to get funny again. I've been waiting for you to get funny for the first time.
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what an alter-iffic comment.
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I knew it, I think you may have made a mistake with this review yesterday. The "some say they've been waiting for you to get funny again" line doesnt make sense for a total n00b, they would never know that. But anyways, hot chick.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-08-24 13:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
she probably just didn't
want to go all by herself.
hmmmph, cooks AND cleans AND makes pants???
weeping Jesus, you're right, you better hang on
to her. sheet. what do you do for her???
apparently not enough if she has to go out and
buy a damn dildo.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Either the dude's gay or she sees him as that. But hey, what the fuck do I know?
Also I'd like to point out that my military issue sleeping bag was an incredibly comfortable and warm one, top quality stuff. Dirty, granted, and filled with mud, sweat, and probably other kinds of bodily fluids I'd rather not think about; but a good sleeping bag all that aside. I have a hard time imagining the U.S. gives out lower quality equipment to its soldiers. You guys are LOADED.
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just hook up with Sgt. Frost. She sounds hot.
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She's not. She also has the creepy voice of a 5 year old girl. Think Officer Hooks from Police Academy, except that even when she yells, she sounds creepy. Besides... Supergirlfriend cleans my apartment and washes my laundry and cooks me delicious food... she even sewed me an awesome pair of sleep pants while I was on orders. Women that domesticated are damned near impossible to find.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fun story. Bad news though - she's definitely fucking him.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, You're a pussy. You're also boring me to tears.
But you get a point for defending this dumbass country of ours.
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Never knew you were so scared of schools.
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:31:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck. I need to proofread. Or maybe that was a Freudian slip? I meant "cheating on me with him"
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This guy is decidedly not ghey, but he's also decidedly not her type. I'M her type, and I'm the polar opposite of this dude. He's short and round and pink and has weird hair. I have a hard time seeing her cheating with me on him. Frankly, I have a hard time seeing her cheating on me at all... she doesn't seem the type to cheat. As far as I know, he didn't buy her anything... his apartment is close to the porn shop she likes, he mentioned needing to buy something, and she said, "I have some stuff I want to buy too" and they just went. I trust her, but this dude... he worries me.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, You're a pussy. You're also boring me to tears.
But you get a point for defending this dumbass country of ours.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just hook up with Sgt. Frost. She sounds hot.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I too, have stayed in an empty elementary school during my tenure in the nasty guard.
But, we'd raid the lunch room, play basketball, and watch porn in the av room.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It has been said before. If the guy is gay, no worries, if he is straight, chop his dick off.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yes, you should be worried. And, for future reference, baseball bats don't do SHIT against zombies. You need at LEAST a .40 caliber with fully jacketed rounds. Dumbass.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:14:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unless the boy friend is a homo, I would be alarmed.
Empty schools scare the fuck out of me. I did some work at Catholic school years ago and to get to the shitter you had to venture into unlit areas.
The Blessed Virgin is a wonderful woman, but looking at her statue illuminated only by the glow of an exit light is unsetteling at best.
And what's with the sounds coming from the empty hallways??
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
but...i like The Cure.
well, some of their stuff anyway.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:09:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I could be wrong, but she might just see the guy as a eunuch. Are you sure he isn't gay? Letting a guy tag along when you buy a vibrator just screams "gay best friend." Maybe it's just me, but when I'm getting laid regularly (which if she would be if she was boning him), I don't suddenly get the urge to buy a new vibrator.
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-24 12:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I already outed myself, douche. It's hard to keep up. Way to make it painfully obvious that what I said might actually be true and you're locking up inside over that. It's okay, dude, just upgrade.
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-24 11:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-24 11:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahaha @ your girlfriend having said male friend pogo stick on her twat with the vibe. You are clueless. Dump the bitch.
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And you're the kind of emo fag that makes the rest of us emo fags look bad. Go listen to The Cure and cut yourself.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-24 11:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by azurefroz (user info) at 2007-08-24 11:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahaha @ your girlfriend having said male friend pogo stick on her twat with the vibe. You are clueless. Dump the bitch.