Hunting Season Has Begun (849 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalLabels: camwhore
Rating: 1.25 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AsshOly (View user info) at 2007-08-24 13:53:21 EDT
I am speaking, of course, about freshman hunting season as it plays out during the first week of classes at every university on the planet. This has a little bit to do with this post but only as it provides context for the situation (everybody wants to get laid) but you don't want to hear all about it and I don't feel like writing for too long. I just wanted to write about something I have noticed happens a little bit more often than it should.
So last night I was at a party. I was playing beer pong and some girl reached from behind me and started groping my dick. I turned and met an unfamiliar face.
"You're in my Italian class," she said.
"Oh...cool. Buona serra, come ti chiami?"
"What?"
"I asked you what your name is."
"Oh, Dani. I'm going to go get a shot and then we are going to dance."
And she runs off. Okay. So what we have here is a girl coming after me pretty aggressively, which is cool. It makes my life easier because I don't have to work to pick her up. I don't mind it.
A few minutes pass and I forget about her. Some other girl comes up to me and tells me, "I know somebody who wants to fuck you. Badly."
"Oh, terrific. Who is it?"
"Weeeellllll, she has dark hair, three tattoos, and she's wearing white."
I look around and find Dani, who is wearing a black skirt and a black top with a white pattern on it. This mystery person looks at her too.
"Shit! She's wearing black. Never mind... It's that girl [pointing at Dani]. She thinks you're cute and she wants to fuck you."
"Fuck her? That's a huge leap forward in our relationship. We've only just met! I haven't even taken her out for dinner or respected her values yet."
She doesn't think I'm funny. "Just go talk to her and you'll get laid tonight."
I get beat at beer pong and can't find her, so I go upstairs and take tequila shots until we run out of salt. I talk to other people for a while and, all of a sudden, Dani is pulling me back into the basement.
[Pause.
I have a confession to make. I can. Not. Dance. Seriously. I know a lot of people say this, but I make those people look like pros.
When I was a kid, I got awards from the physical education departments for being the top gym class student or having the best attitude or whatever. But in high school, I failed a gym class because I couldn't dance. I broke my arm in a football game right after school started up, so I missed the entire first half of the unit, which consisted of football, softball, and ultimate Frisbee. I made it back for dance, and I was bitter. The department chair eventually gave me an assignment so he could override the F so it wouldn't show up on my records but I know it was there.
So I can't dance. I simply cannot move my hips and knees in synchrony with music.
Resume.]
I agreed to dance and led her eagerly onto the floor. We grind and bump, etc. Somebody tells me I look like a retard and I give him a thumbs up. He tells me simply shifting my weight does not constitute dancing. Dani tells me her feet hurt, and I tell her to come upstairs and she can take her shoes off.
We sit down on a couch and talk. We talk about her tattoos and other shit, and at some point we start making out. Then
Here's the part where I become confused.
...the same girl who earlier encouraged me to fuck the shit out of her walks up to us and pulls Dani aside to talk to her. I think, "this is money in the bank. We should get going."
Then I overhear her friend say, "Be careful, don't let him rape you." In my periphery, I see Dani's eyes open wide and her jaw drop slightly as she glances at me.
Dani sits back down and we talk some more, but now she gives me one word answers and I'm done caring. She starts hinting that we should leave together, but I tell her I'm tired and maybe some other time. I give her my number, tell her I'll see her in class on Monday, and walk to my friend's apartment to crash.
This, or some version of this, has happened to me twice before last night. Does this happen to anybody else or do I just look like a rapist? I also wonder what is going through the head of a person who does this, and if you are one of these people, please let me know.
This is close to what I looked like last night.
User Reviews
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-26 18:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-25 04:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You quit doing shots of tequila because you ran out a salt?
Help me out here. I don't get it
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He's just young that's all - in time he will learn.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-08-25 18:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-25 04:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You quit doing shots of tequila because you ran out a salt?
Help me out here. I don't get it.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-25 03:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-08-24 23:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy, you are up past your bedtime. You must be feeling lonely. http://www.ubersite.com/m/111209
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-08-24 23:40:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your title should have been: The Art of Not Closing The Deal
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-24 22:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know what you mean.
I'm one of my favorite people on this site, too.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-08-24 22:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't worry, you're adorable. And you look like you're just waiting to be corrupted by an older woman.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-08-24 22:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy, you're one of my favorite people on this site. I know you couldn't give a shit, but there it is.
ilikesteak, I have no idea what you're getting at. I look like I do in that picture, which I posted on ubersite. Any more questions?
+2 life.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-08-24 19:27:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're on what website and you look like what again?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-24 18:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So did I.
Then again, I laugh at most of my own material, for some reason.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-08-24 17:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-08-24 15:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still getting into trouble at ISU, eh? *smirks* I'm tellin' ya...come up here to BU...no cock-blocking here, because frankly the women outnumber the men at least 2:1. Drop me an e-mail if you want specific party locales..
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Next time I go up there I will shoot you an email. Thanks.
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Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No...you don't look like a rapist like sicosemen does.
You just look like a regular college dorkus, with a 3% chance of getting laid the entire year.
NEXT TIME, USE FORCE.
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I laughed pretty hard at this.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-08-24 16:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-08-24 16:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
strong sauce
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-24 15:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-24 15:40:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-08-24 15:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still getting into trouble at ISU, eh? *smirks* I'm tellin' ya...come up here to BU...no cock-blocking here, because frankly the women outnumber the men at least 2:1. Drop me an e-mail if you want specific party locales..
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-08-24 15:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rapist above.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-08-24 15:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by strausie08 (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Tough one....looks like it's just you and spanky the clown this semester.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No...you don't look like a rapist like sicosemen does.
You just look like a regular college dorkus, with a 3% chance of getting laid the entire year.
NEXT TIME, USE FORCE.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AsshOly Vs Jeanneee
6 Toes To Paradise
______
But I think you've missed the deadline. Sorry, man.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nah dude.. you don;t look like a rapist BUT
I think what happened was that the girl who told you that she knew a girl who wanted to fuck you... it was her...the same chick who pulled your "money in the bank" away from you.
You've seen guys do it to eachother...it's called a cockblock.
Dani's friend, was into you too, and to keep her slutty friend from scoring with you (cuz she wanted you herself) she came up with the rape you comment.
Would this be a cuntblock?
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is NOT your submission to UGR.
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oh shit, i signed up for that, didn't I? Am I going against you? What is my title?
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But it was amusing.
Some girls should be shot.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is NOT your submission to UGR.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea it happens all the damn time.
Oh well...I can't wait till next week when I move into my Apt and throw a huge ass party before school starts.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That strikes me as the kind of comment that goes without saying.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Equal parts hilarious and infuriating. Seriously, what makes a voting-age adult think that is an acceptable thing to say to a friend at a party?
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as far as rape goes: you'll be surprised how many idiot girls lay fake rape charges on guys. happens all the time in first year residences. girls get pissed, jealous, and want the guy to pay for the mistake they made last night.
happened to a friend of a friend of mine.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:17:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
College girls are inundated with the word rape.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GC - When I used to be more active here, I would borrow stuff from uber just because it would pop into my mind, and it didn't ever turn out so well. Fact: When you're not on the internet, clubbing baby seals isn't really all that funny.
Caul, I don't know how else I would take that but as a compliment. You're not too bad yourself, Sexybuns.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
'be careful, don't let him rape you.'
seriously?
you should have screamed out, 'damn, they're on to me' or something. wtf?
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
school for me starts in 2 weeks, can't wait.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
while you were drunk, did you mention the words "Uber, Ubersite, Emu, Rape, Fisting, Cupcakes, or Ha Ha Rabbit" ?
Because that happened at the last meet-up in Vegas and it was a fucking stampede of chicks running away.
Trying to do damage control on THAT was the funniest thing in a long time.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-08-24 14:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if i'd fuck an american man, he'd look like you.
it's a compliment btw