Opening couple of paragraphs... (344 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Master Of The Cheese (View user info) at 2007-08-27 02:36:14 EDT
Of a story I'm think of writing.
John woke up from the nightmare in a cold sweat. He closed his eyes, and began the breathing exercises which he had found helped to ease the fear he felt after these episodes. John had learned long ago to deal with these nightmares. He saw them as a trade off for a few hours of sleep, a price he was more than willing to pay. A man in his situation needed all the sleep he could get.
A quick glance at his Casio wristwatch revealed the time to be 5.40am. He had overslept - He would need to get moving soon if he was to get out of the city before They found him. Arrising from the bed, he slowly approached to door. The hair was exactly where he had left it - An old trick he had picked up to ensure he knew of any intruders. Getting dressed, he glanced at the old lady he had killed to allow him the use of her home, and he sighed. He had tried to make her death as quickly and painless as possible, and he was glad the lady had a penchant for tea. The hardest part was getting the poison into the cup. She did all the rest.
Murder had become a part of his every day routine ever since the first day he had been forced to leave his life behind. Although, he thought bitterly to himself, what kind of life would he have after what had happened. Without Irene, there wouldn't be a life for him. Those bast@rds had taken everything from him and, in return, turned him into a murderer.
He hunched down over the body, quickly searching for a purse, and allowed himself a moment to reminsice. A fatal mistake. He had loved her, and she had loved him. Now because of that fatefull day, when he had discovered something that would change the world and completely, she was gone. All he had left now was to try and bring Them down.
With the purse in his hand, John turned and faced the door. The last thought in his mind, before the hitman fired a bullet through his head and he crumpled to the floor, was about the secret he knew. The Russians, of all people, had discovered it - That one fateful day.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
But whom killed him and why?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
think again
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Another thing that's bothering me about this...
The hair on the doorknob thing.
Generally speaking, if you're going to do the hair on the door knob thing, you're not going to actually be in the house still; unless the sound of a hair falling off the doorknob is going to wake you up.
If people are trying to kill you, you could have a fucking wig on the doorknob, and that won't stop them from killing you.
I really am trying to be constructive here; but this was so bad that when I read it, my 3rd grade English teacher got a headache.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dead woman and Russians? Dostoevsky you are not pal.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2007-08-27 07:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So let me see if I got this right...
You got a guy named John, the main character, who broke into an old womans house and killed her because he wanted a place to sleep and her purse because Irene got killed...and then your main character got killed while thinking about a secret the Russians had?
How exactly were you going to make this into a story?
This reads like the back of a spy novel you would buy at the airport for $5, but not as good.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-08-27 05:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For capitalizing 'They' and 'Them'...
For 'bast@rds'...
For the incomprehensible fourth paragraph...
For writing less than the first chapter of the story...
... for these things, your reward is a -2 and this bit of advice: try harder.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-08-27 04:06:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What Fey said, in Spades...
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-27 03:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Suggestion; Don't post opening paragraphs which leave us wondering wtf, post a story.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-08-27 03:44:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ha ha raven
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-08-27 03:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
uncle
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-08-27 03:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Uh, seriously, what?
+1 only because this reminds me of something I've been working on.
Submitted by Zeglamancer (user info) at 2007-08-27 03:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I agree with the faggot below me.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-08-27 03:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
THI SIS THE WORST STORY SINCE PATRICK DUFFY WROTE ABOOT THE FAGGY INCORPORATION OF BOSTON
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-27 02:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
English motherfucker, do you speak it!?