Why you shouldn't get a Hair Cut Drunk (NSFW) (1465 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.33 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (View user info) at 2007-08-27 08:20:58 EDT
Yesterday a friend and I were set to hang out. He needed to come over and install Microsoft word on my computer, I had asked him a few days prior and told him "There's Vodka!" hoping to seal the deal, but he told me Vodka or not he'd still want to hang. I was happy about finally getting word on my computer, mostly so the vast population of English teachers on Ubersite would finally shut up. But also because entering college one needs said program to survive writing papers. I tried the whole posting it in a journal and printing it out somewhere else, the damn formatting sucks so very bad. And I remember I spent the better part of an hour trying to get it print worthy, however it still came out shitty. But more to the the point, he installed word on my computer which was a relief. Mostly because I had had a 60 day free trial of microsoft office 2007, so we were afraid it wouldn't want to downgrade for whatever reason.
Anyways, now that the unnecessary bullshit of an explanation for why the fuck i'm posting this is out of the way here's the actual good part.
I thanked him for installing word and proceeded pouring us both some Vodka. He told me he hadn't eaten anything and the worst part about my house is, there's hardly ever anything to eat. For one thing, my mother is never home, and I work at a fast food place. Usually i'll just wake up, look in the fridge and say "Fuck it, i'll eat at work." which if you work fast food, one of the great advantages is (probably the only one), if you don't have money for groceries, you can always eat at work. So I had to search for something edible that would be some what filling. I myself decided to eat a few pieces of bread, for him I found some crackers. I mixed the vodka with some cranberry juice, and chugged mine fast. That's the kind of drinker I am, I like a straight up fast buzz. I gave him his, however he was on the phone with some guy he's in a band with. As soon as he got off the phone, he took a sip and decided to save the rest for later.
I told him prior that I needed to get my head shaved, and we'd have to walk down to the five dollar hair salon in a little while. So before the Liquor had taken affect we decided to start walking down to the hair salon. About half way there, it kicked in and I felt great. I felt like singing to all the birdies, I felt like waving at all the people driving by, hell I even offered some guy to mow his lawn, but he suspected I was under the influence of something, so he most regrettably declined. I had to stop and sit down for a while, I had some weird pain in my chest. I don't remember exactly what the hell we talked about, but I do remember laughing for what seemed like forever about a joke I heard a while back. (If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth person enjoys it?)
Eventually the pain wore off and I was a bit sober. Keep that in mind, I was only a bit sober, still willing to sing to birds however, and offer strange people lawn care service. We eventually get to the shopping center with the five dollar hair salon. Sadly it was then we realized it was closed. So I had to go to the more expensive place across the street, which I wasn't looking forward to seeing as I was some what drunk, and having to cross one of the busiest streets in the city was something I wasn't looking forward to. I figured Fuck it though, i've got balls, and managed to make it across (albeit I ran like an idiot, while my friend walked). We noticed the hours on the door, they closed at five and we got there at 4:45, just in time. As soon as I walked in the door some guy said hi to me as if I knew him. Being in the drunken state I was in I turned to my friend and said
"Hey, who the hell is this?" right in front of the guy, my friend just laughed but the guy was some what offended. He quickly said "You don't remember me?" I turned to my friend again and repeated the statement of "Hey, who the hell is this?" after a few more times of that he asked if I was ok, but it kicked in that he was some guy I knew in high school I was glad I remembered his name and asked him how he was. Luckily his name got called so there wasn't too much unnecessary friendly banter, and I was still not drunk in his minds eye.
Approaching the register was a rather dubious experience. At the counter was some guy who obviously had only been there about a week, behind him the obligatory supervisor in her late 30's early 40's. He asked me if I had been there before, and in a drunken stupor "Yeah, but it was a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time ago!" Topped off with a big smile. He asked me for my name and phone number, which confused the hell out of me to the point where he just took my name. But still, drunk or not, why the hell would a hair cut place need your phone number? He told me to have a seat and the obligatory "Someone will be right with you!"
I don't remember at all what we were talking about while waiting to get a hair cut. I think I said something about Dave Mustaine playing the Kazoo or something, I don't know it was all rather strange. I didn't figure my name would get called any time soon though, a lady with about five kids came in before me, and I assumed all five would be getting a hair cut so i'd have some more time to sober up. However, that was cut short due to only one actually needing a haircut. I was wondering which lucky lady would be cutting my hair. Most of them were (in the words of that 70's show) Ugos in their mid to late 30's. Two however were blocked from my view. I didn't care, I wasn't looking for love at a hair salon, that was until she approached.
They called my name and I saw the girl who would be servicing my hair. She was a goddess. She looked almost exactly like a young Jodie Foster and I was smitten to say the least. I got up and was just staring at her in disbelief she cut hair at this place. They called me a few more times and my friend nudged me forward. I came out of the daydream of her and I doing a horizontal shuffle. I had my seat and tried to be as witty as possible. She asked me how I wanted it done, and pointed to the parts I needed shaved. I told her it had been a while and she quickly said "Oh yeah I can tell." I laughed for a little bit, but stopped myself promptly, luckily I was slowly sobering up otherwise I would've kept laughing. The conversation went as follows.
"Yeah i've been meaning to get it cut for a while, but you know with work and all, I hardly have the time you know how that goes i'm sure."
"Oh yeah, i've worked some crazy hours here. But the pay is good and guys usually give me pretty good tips."
"I can imagine!" as I cleverly winked at her through the mirror, however she didn't see me wink at her, but my friend saw it and was just laughing for some reason. The whole time though it was kind of strange, something was poking me in the back but I wasn't sure what. I attributed the strange phenomenon to being some what intoxicated.
"So do you live around here?" I asked ever so sly
"Yeah I actually live just up the road." Score two, not only is she the perfect Jodie Foster look alike, but she lives in the area.
"That's cool, yeah I live up the street too, too bad though there's hardly ever anything to do around this side of town."
"Oh I know, you practically have to drive ten miles to find some place to get a decent drink."
"Or you could always go to my place." I winked at her again ever so slyly, and this time she saw it and started laughing, my guess she was assuming I was kidding.
I told her I was going to school the next day and she asked me my major. I told her I was undeclared but was leaning towards a liberal arts major. She told me she was a sociology major and it was then I decided I was in love. As I was already naming our future children, I then noticed she had a bit of a belly. I thought it was rather strange I didn't notice it. I also thought it was rather strange that she had a belly, but the rest of her body was over all thin. It was then it hit me she was pregnant, and it was also then I noticed the huge engagement ring on her hand. (I was really really lucky she had just finished when I blurted this out loud REALLY.)
"Holy shit you're pregnant!"
I said it loud enough for everyone in the store to hear. Some people were looking at me wondering what I was on, and in the case of my friend, laughing. She just kind of stared at me like I was an idiot, and told me she was done. I told her she did a pretty good job and left almost shaking with disbelief. I paid about eleven dollars and told the guy to give the rest of the twenty I shelled out as tip to the girl.
We promptly left, and my friend was laughing insanely at this point. I told him I honestly didn't know she was pregnant. Which made him laugh even more. I started laughing too, but then we realized just how hungry we were, and decided to get a burger at the burger place next door. My hope was, the "Office Whore" who formerly worked at my place of business wasn't there, as she had quit and secured a job at this place down the street. It was just my luck she was there and working the front register.
I was never all that nice to her, and told people (including her), she annoyed me on several occasions. I'm not sure if it was her lack of a work ethic that annoyed me, or the fact that she went down on about five different guys in the break room. She was the office whore, but only because how often she liked to talk about sucking cock, and how good she was, and how she had been doing it since she was twelve. (she was kind of chunky, which is why her sucking cock always reminded me of this picture I saw that has a picture of a fat girl that says 'Fat girls give the best head cause they're hungry') I always assumed she had daddy issues and left it at that. Despite her being there, I decided to go in because I was really fucking hungry.
I walked up to the counter and for some reason decided to be nice to her. I waved at her and screamed her name and said hi. She turned around and smiled asking me how I was and we had that whole awkward conversation about how we both were. She asked me about my place of employment, and I asked her what it was like working there etc.. etc.. I actually think I hit on her at one point, because she was giving me a hungry look, a look of desire. I was still in a semi drunken stupor, so it never hit me. We ordered sat down and waited. We got our food rather quick and she even gave us some fries. It was then her look of desire intensified. She decided to inform me she was going on break and winked at me. It was after that I saw her walk straight into the mens bathroom.
I was kind of laughing both on the inside and out, I figured she was crazy just because there was no way in hell I was contracting herpes today. I told my friend we had to go. Filled up our cups, but just before we left, I told this old perverted guy there was some free action in the bathroom. He looked up and smiled which stretched his disgusting mustache. I didn't stick around to see the fruits of my labor take place. I'm sure she just blew the guy anyway (that's really how much she likes sucking cock.)
But like all things this day came to an end. My friend went home and before we parted ways we watched a few GWAR videos. (those of you unfamiliar with GWAR http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmw0NddK4NE)
a few of my other friends came by later and hung out but eventually I went to sleep. I woke up about an hour ago, and that's when the events of yesterday finally hit me. I can laugh now, but I know for a fact i'm never getting drunk and going to the hair salon again. And i'm probably never going back to that specific one ever again either, or that burger place. Hell I might just move from the area.
(in before are you still drunk cause this post sucked.)
Thank you for reading.
User Reviews
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-08-28 21:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
uhh where to begin, ahh yeah, the glass was about 32 ounces. I filled it about maybe 12-14 ounces worth of vodka, rest with cranberry juice. But you're right I can't drink for shit because I hardly drink at all, maybe like once a month or so. Secondly, it was a bootleg copy of word, I didnt want to have to pay out the ass for microsoft office. Thirdly, I don't own a razor so fuck you.
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So basically 6 shots and you're anyones? That is fucking pathetic. I stand by my point about Office. It's not even remotely difficult even a downloaded one. Get a clue. Thirdly, buy clippers, they are cheap.
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12-14 ounces = 12-14 shots. But judging from the tone of this piece, perhaps the amount of alcohol actually used was less than that.
On the other hand, it's been my experience that 9 out of 10 (well, most people) that loudly proclaim how much they can drink usually get drunk just as quick as anyone else. Seriously, no matter who you are or how much you drink, 6 shots of liquor are going to raise your blood alcohol level, no matter how straight you try to act.
On the other other hand, 6 shots shouldn't make you "anyones" unless you're a 110-pound 14-year-old girl.
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-08-28 01:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because bart never rates my shit. Of course, if he did, he'd probably just -2 it.
Crazy night bro, can't wait to hear the whole story Wednesday!!!!
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-27 20:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-27 19:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't even remember a time where I would get drunk off of one glass of vodka.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2007-08-27 19:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Prime36L (user info) at 2007-08-27 10:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would've been a +2, but you're a pussy drinker.
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lol I was just buzzing, I never stated I was fuck your mother with a blow dryer drunk.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-08-27 18:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This wasn't all that bad, kind of had a rambling...dragging on feeling, but...I've seen far worse.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-08-27 18:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2007-08-27 13:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
... for the stupid picture at the end
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Truth. Should have put the black spot over that face.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2007-08-27 13:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
... for the stupid picture at the end
Submitted by DorkLordofTeHSith (user info) at 2007-08-27 11:11:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
...He needed to come over and install Microsoft word on my computer...
-2
'nuff said
Submitted by Prime36L (user info) at 2007-08-27 10:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would've been a +2, but you're a pussy drinker.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-27 09:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
openoffice ~ viva la revolution
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-27 09:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:04:25 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah I didn't pick up the habit of drinking until recently. I wasn't exactly drunk off my ass, I was just really really buzzed. I'm sure ms office is awesome and you're getting a royalty check as we speak for plugging it, but I just really wanted word that was all. he had a bootleg copy and offered it to me a while back. I didn't say it was difficult to download or find, I Was merely pointing out my own laziness. Clippers I might just consider buying or have my friend shave my head like she usually does, however this time I was in a rush to do so, and didn't have time to contact her.
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Not that I give a shit, but word is fucking Satan. OpenOffice ftw. You might need help installing it though, gayboy.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2007-08-27 09:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2007-08-27 13:44:16 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You got drunk off one glass of vodka?
There are several things wrong with this post. Firsty, you can't drink for shit. Also, what kind of Luddite are you that can't install even the most basic of programmes. Finally, what kind of fucking pussy are you that you can't shave your own damned head?
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uhh where to begin, ahh yeah, the glass was about 32 ounces. I filled it about maybe 12-14 ounces worth of vodka, rest with cranberry juice. But you're right I can't drink for shit because I hardly drink at all, maybe like once a month or so. Secondly, it was a bootleg copy of word, I didnt want to have to pay out the ass for microsoft office. Thirdly, I don't own a razor so fuck you.
=========================
So basically 6 shots and you're anyones? That is fucking pathetic. I stand by my point about Office. It's not even remotely difficult even a downloaded one. Get a clue. Thirdly, buy clippers, they are cheap.
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Yeah I didn't pick up the habit of drinking until recently. I wasn't exactly drunk off my ass, I was just really really buzzed. I'm sure ms office is awesome and you're getting a royalty check as we speak for plugging it, but I just really wanted word that was all. he had a bootleg copy and offered it to me a while back. I didn't say it was difficult to download or find, I Was merely pointing out my own laziness. Clippers I might just consider buying or have my friend shave my head like she usually does, however this time I was in a rush to do so, and didn't have time to contact her.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I assume that you're one of those annoying little shits who babbles on like Daffy Duck when you're drunk...because you sure babbled your ass off on this post.
Here's what you should have written:
I had a friend come over to help my dumb ass with my computer.
We had a drink.
I got a buzz because I'm an idiot.
Then, I went out and I got my haircut and annoyed the chick cutting my hair.
We stopped for some fast food.
I went home.
The end.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh , as far as MSOffice goes, its bullshit.
www.openoffice.org
download, thank me later.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i enjoyed this. It's more of a 1...but you get a 2 for the big tits.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2007-08-27 13:44:16 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You got drunk off one glass of vodka?
There are several things wrong with this post. Firsty, you can't drink for shit. Also, what kind of Luddite are you that can't install even the most basic of programmes. Finally, what kind of fucking pussy are you that you can't shave your own damned head?
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uhh where to begin, ahh yeah, the glass was about 32 ounces. I filled it about maybe 12-14 ounces worth of vodka, rest with cranberry juice. But you're right I can't drink for shit because I hardly drink at all, maybe like once a month or so. Secondly, it was a bootleg copy of word, I didnt want to have to pay out the ass for microsoft office. Thirdly, I don't own a razor so fuck you.
=========================
So basically 6 shots and you're anyones? That is fucking pathetic. I stand by my point about Office. It's not even remotely difficult even a downloaded one. Get a clue. Thirdly, buy clippers, they are cheap.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
well this was terrible....
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You got drunk off one glass of vodka?
There are several things wrong with this post. Firsty, you can't drink for shit. Also, what kind of Luddite are you that can't install even the most basic of programmes. Finally, what kind of fucking pussy are you that you can't shave your own damned head?
-------------------------------------------------------------
uhh where to begin, ahh yeah, the glass was about 32 ounces. I filled it about maybe 12-14 ounces worth of vodka, rest with cranberry juice. But you're right I can't drink for shit because I hardly drink at all, maybe like once a month or so. Secondly, it was a bootleg copy of word, I didnt want to have to pay out the ass for microsoft office. Thirdly, I don't own a razor so fuck you.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-27 08:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You got drunk off one glass of vodka?
There are several things wrong with this post. Firsty, you can't drink for shit. Also, what kind of Luddite are you that can't install even the most basic of programmes. Finally, what kind of fucking pussy are you that you can't shave your own damned head?