I'm.... a bad lay. (832 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.06 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DangerPants (View user info) at 2007-08-27 14:34:51 EDT
You people gave me enough conflicting opinions on whether or not I should be worried about SuperGirlfriend and her friend Jimmy that it drove me into the arms of her best friend. Well. not his arms. But his brain. She tells him EVERYTHING and always has, but he is bound by the man code of "Bros before Ho's" and he owes me a favor. So I knew I could trust him to be straight with me.
I asked him "So... what's the story on SuperGirlfriend and Jimmy? I know you've hung out with them both together (something I have not done)... did you... you know.... notice anything I should be worried about?"
He thought for a little bit... like, really seemed to think about it. And after singing the Final Jeopardy song in my head 3 times, he answered. "Well... I've never seen her give him a hug. And she hugs everybody."
"She doesn't hug you."
"That's because she thinks I'm gross. That is why my girlfriend didn't mind when I lived with her."
He has a point. When I was 8, I was shooting bottle rockets with some kids in my neighborhood and one of them hit me in the face, forever damaging my sense of smell. But I can smell this guy from 10 feet away. He is definitely gross. So SuperGirlfriend, she of the perpetual hugs, never hugs Jimmy. I feel slightly better. So I say: "But they went to the porn shop together."
"She and I have gone to the porn shop together. Would you like to know what happened? She made fun of the stuff I was buying, called me a fag, and then forced me to look at the gay porn display for something 'more my speed'. It's like shopping for jeans with her."
But she's never taken me porn shopping. Possibly because she knows how I feel about the men and women in the adult entertainment industry. Possibly because she doesn't want me to know what kind of kinky shit she's into. Little does she know, I've looked in her porn bag. I've seen the Screwed and Tattooed DVD with the lesbians in strapons on the cover. I'VE SEEN THE SIZE OF THOSE VIBRATORS, WOMAN! I know your dirty secrets. Dirty dirty DIRTY! *ahem* Composure.
"She loves you, dude, and she's never cheated on anybody as far as I know. And I've known her a long time. She's not going to cheat. Especially with Jimmy."
I was starting to feel a little bit better when he said the worst thing ever. "Yeah... but you should probably know... she thinks you're bad in bed."
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-27 15:53:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm... a fan of self-deprecating humour.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-08-28 13:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahhahhaa. Poor bastard. You just gotta try harder, yo. Watch her body language, see what she likes and what she doesn't like. Try to get her going instead of just trying to get a nut off. If all else fails, you fingerbang her while you lick the hell out of her clit. That's always fun times.
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Har Har Fat knows exactly what it's like to be bad in bed....
(fingerbanging and clit licking to prolong the rather speedy experience)
... ooops, shit, so do I.
I'm never "trying" to get a nut off, honestly.
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-08-28 13:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahhahhaa. Poor bastard. You just gotta try harder, yo. Watch her body language, see what she likes and what she doesn't like. Try to get her going instead of just trying to get a nut off. If all else fails, you fingerbang her while you lick the hell out of her clit. That's always fun times.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-08-27 22:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think I've even been to the porn shop with your girlfriend.
Or a bar. I can't remember which.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-27 20:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-27 20:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-27 19:08:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh my...
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-08-27 18:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The hard part...er
The difficult part of this improving without her thinking your cheating on her if you do it with asking her.
Phrasing your request for more info on how to be better (FOR HER, you might be king kamehameha to a different chick) pleasure her.
The best approach is to act like you noticed that she isnt getting as much out of you as she would like, and to ask her for SPECIFICS.
Being a master lover isn't something that comes easy to people, they are usually so full of self-doubt and performance anxiety to really just let go, be free and have fun together.
That is why alcohol is usually involved on the first time people hook up...if the vaguely remember it not being terrible maybe they'll give you the right telephone number or have your drive em to the right house when you drop them off the next morning.
Downside to being good in bed: Some people equate great sex with great love, when in truth it could be that ya'll just happen to mattress dance real well together...I had this problem with an ex of mine...I'd fuck the everloving hell out of her, her eyes would roll back etc (no not from the roofies), she'd shriek and moan, I'd get mine we'd be done. But...she fell in love...where I was just getting a good nut, and doing her the same.
Stage 5 clinger as it were.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-27 16:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Prime36L (user info) at 2007-08-27 16:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"......and I'll get to the bottom of it for you."
And Shlongy means this quite literally.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-08-27 15:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. That got a legitimate "Oh shit, dude!"
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-08-27 15:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Bros before Ho's netted me some fine lays...that and personal hygene!
Oh and Bro's...no offense
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-27 15:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What, and lose her forever to your skillz and expertise, Shlongster? I think not.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-27 15:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why don't we let Shlongy spend a little "private time" with this broad, and I'll get to the bottom of it for you.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-08-27 15:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hahahaha.
i like how she seemingly expects you to magically get better without her letting you know you suck and how to improve.
----------------
well, I'm pretty defensive about being told that I need improvement... and that's a sensitive subject. Now that I'm armed with this information, looking back, I can see several times that she's tried to tell me. But see, the thing is, I swore her best friend to secrecy, so she won't know he said anything, and suddenly, I'll just be better at delivering. I can't help it that I've never had a freaky girlfriend before.
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it has nothing to do with her being freaky. it has to do with you paying attention and being attentive to her in bed. just cuz they don't complain doesn't mean you can't ask if you can do better. which i'm gathering you haven't.
good luck with that. and if you don't improve and you break up you have no chance at banging any of her friends cuz she's told them all you suck.
Submitted by kirst-n-dennis (user info) at 2007-08-27 15:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You poor poor guy- you need to have a serioustalk with her and find out how to turn her on. Theres no such thing as being abad lay, you're obviously just not communicating.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-08-27 15:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sympathy +2
http://www.unclemelon.com/how_to_eat_pussy.html
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-08-27 15:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give her the hot lunch special, chicks love that.
Oh yeah, and no lube.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit man that sucks
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
there's a shocker
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hahahaha.
i like how she seemingly expects you to magically get better without her letting you know you suck and how to improve.
----------------
well, I'm pretty defensive about being told that I need improvement... and that's a sensitive subject. Now that I'm armed with this information, looking back, I can see several times that she's tried to tell me. But see, the thing is, I swore her best friend to secrecy, so she won't know he said anything, and suddenly, I'll just be better at delivering. I can't help it that I've never had a freaky girlfriend before.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ask her questions
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. That got a legitimate "Oh shit, dude!"
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:47:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:45:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
dude ... get funky
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hahahaha.
i like how she seemingly expects you to magically get better without her letting you know you suck and how to improve.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DangerPants seems a real good user name now, eh?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I could have told you that, just by reading a couple of your posts.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BWAHAHAHAHAHA, y'all will be broken up in 6 months or less.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a sympathy +2.
Poor guy.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-27 14:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0