Coffee, Anyone? (364 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -1 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sam Manlosa <sam_manlosa.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2007-08-28 18:58:14 EDT
I'm pretty sure my addiction for coffee will get me in trouble one of these days so I set out to do my own research on what I can expect coming from a caffeine overdose (by my last count, I'm doing an average of about 4 regular coffee cups a day). I've gotten to the point where I regularly walk off to get a cup of coffee at designated times of the day without my intention and that vendo breakdowns need about 2 deep breaths before I accept the idea of caffeine deprivation for the next 3 hours. Roughly, that's the politically correct equivalent of saying "I'll probably kill for caffeine." So here's to reminding myself on the negative effects of caffeine - oh, and the positive effects too *wink*. Check back in a year if I have managed to lower my average to a healthy 1 cup a day, although I doubt I can cross the Jordan River to get to that.
Let's not prolong the agony, shall we. Here's to the ways caffeine can kill.
1) "Caffeine is a natural pesticide" - the reason why coffee beans have a lot of it is because it uses caffeine to ward off insects, and kill competing plants within the surrounding growth area. I don't think I need to elaborate. Who needs a pesticide shot in their daily morning drink? Those who are interested, please raise your right hands. *two minutes of awkward silence* Thanks. I think I have consensus. Shall we proceed?
2) "Regular caffeine doses increases gastric acid secretion," which when coupled with irregular meals - a given - is a sure pathway to "peptic ulcers and hyperacidity, erosive esophagitis, and gastroesophageal reflux disease" (whatever that means). The best case is a sour stomach, the worst a hole in your throat. I'm starting to regret why I did this!!
3) "Caffeinism usually combines "caffeine dependency" with a wide range of unpleasant physical and mental conditions including nervousness, irritability, anxiety, tremulousness, muscle twitching (hyperreflexia), insomnia, headaches, respiratory alkalosis and heart palpitations." The next time you see me in a bad mood, blame my 3rd cup of coffee. Spare the boss from all the snide remarks, that'd help in making sure I'd still get the end-of-year promotion that's causing me to drink all this coffee in the first place. I think they call that a win-win situation - I still prefer the term "slavery". Good luck striking a balance!
4) "Other side effects of caffeine overuse include dizziness, tachycardia, blurred vision, drowsiness, dry mouth, flushed dry skin, diuresis, loss of appetite, and nausea." Two things: 1) Finally, the culprit to thicker glass lenses!, and 2) Why do I get the things that I don't want to get? For example, I was banking on getting the "loss of appetite" more than "blurred vision," but when you get diagnosed for "hypercholesterolemia" even when all that you eat is fish and vegetables, there's definitely something wrong there. I'm thinking more caffeine until I get to the appetite portion. Better a dry mouth and nausea than clogged arteries! Who's with me?!? Be at the pantry in just a minute.
And now, the offsets. This is to those who look at the cup half-full, not half-empty. It's the "Benefits of Coffee Overdose" version, sans the reverse psychology.
1) "Regular caffeine doses increases the capacity for mental or physical labor." Studies done in athletes show a significant increase in endurance. It's steroids, minus the illegality (wait, didn't I just use that analogy in the "smoking" post??) Here's to the reason why the bosses push for those low-priced easy-access coffee vendos in the office. It's the guilt-free, works-all-the-time power button that flips the switch on and engages the back-up energizer in every post-5PM office straggler. If you can't call this ingenious, I don't know what is!!
2) "It is also used in the treatment of migraine and cluster headaches as well as to overcome the drowsiness caused by antihistamines." At last, a rest-easy safety net. Get this, I usually get migraines around 4PM, and when I drink a cup of that cheap vendo-dispensed concoction, I almost always get migraine relief! But wait, I just feel prey to #1, right?? Arggh! If only I can mutate to the Hulk! I think my cube needs some re-modelling right about now!!!
3) "Caffeine intake is associated with a reduced risk of developing Parkinson's disease." I'm at a loss here. I need help. If smoking or coffee prevents Parkinson's, and Starbucks and Philip Morris are still churning out record-breaking profits annually, why is Parkinson's getting more prevalent? Umm, one classic Mocha Frappuccino please, and keep it low on whipped cream.
4) "Another study showed that subjects — after receiving 100 milligrams of caffeine — had increased activity in brain regions located in the frontal lobe, where a part of the working memory network and the part of the brain that controls attention, is located. The caffeinated subjects also performed better on memory tasks." If you keep on forgetting your anniversary, then you're not getting enough coffee. If, on the other hand, you keep remembering that you're overworked and underpaid, you should probably try to lay low on the caffeine intake for a while. Do youself some favor and deliberately make yourself forget your typical work-induced miseries. If coffee doesn't work, try 2 months of self-induced coma. Time to put that insurance coverage and health benefits to the test.
5) "Caffeine, in the form of coffee, significantly reduces the risk of heart disease in epidemiological studies. However, the protective effect was found only in participants who were not severely hypertensive." Does this cover hypercholesterolemia? Sign me up!!
By my count, that's 5 "take home pays" to 4 "death sentences." If you're any better in simple mathematics than I am, a 5 always beats a 4. Unless.. because I'm thinking the #1 entry in the benefits list isn't really a benefit! If you're scoring at home, I'm leaving it to you to decide.
As for me, I probably should be doing more of this guilt-pill types of analysis. For now though, I think I'm going to continue enjoying my steady diet of 4 paper cups per day. However, if you accidentally bump into a slumping body right near the printer by pole H9, please do me some favor and call the doctor. I might need a trip to the clinic when the happens. But until then if you see me with any of the symptoms above, a tap in the back should do the job. Trust me, I might not show it immediately, but I'll deeply appreciate it in the "end". ^_^
Note: All facts taken from Wikipedia.
User Reviews
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-29 04:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by rycke (user info) at 2007-08-29 09:33:27 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's time everybody learns some humor divorced from what Homer regularly delivers!
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What does that even mean?
Submitted by rycke (user info) at 2007-08-29 04:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's time everybody learns some humor divorced from what Homer regularly delivers!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-29 03:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You need to get out more.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-29 02:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wuzi (user info) at 2007-08-29 00:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Coffee? Coffee is not an addiction man?
You ever sucked dick for coke?
(guy in the back) "I SEEN HIM!"
That is an addiction my friend.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-29 00:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This reads more like it was written by a coke fiend on a binge than by a coffee-drinker. Perhaps you SHOULD cut back on the java.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-28 20:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Even this post has stinky coffee breath, shithead.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-08-28 20:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Four cups a day?
Pussy.
My addiction trumps yours easily.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-08-28 20:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I drink a pot a day, along with a pack-and-a-half of cigarettes, and I often consume 40-or-so beers on a weekend. I like bacon, and Hostess Ding Dongs, and I put salt on everything except ice cream...even my bacon. I'm quite happy, thank you.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-08-28 20:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
One per day, all that crap...
-and-
Any substance that spawned the existence of places like Starbucks gets no support from me.
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2007-08-28 19:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Coffee is fucking gay.
Gayest thing ever if you ask me.
Gay.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-08-28 19:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh, it was informative
a solid meh from me.
Submitted by rycke (user info) at 2007-08-28 19:25:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry douche bags, I'm on a different timezone. Where I am, the calendar has flipped already!! And by the way, you drink coffee in the morning. It's 730AM here!!!!
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-28 19:24:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
coffee is for addicts.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-08-28 19:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
headaches are not the same as migrains
I use caffiene to control my migrains, and advil for the headaches.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-28 19:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yeah, what boshman said.
Mainly just one post per day
douche.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-28 19:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
only psychos drink coffee this time of day
you psycho
also, stop posting more than once per day
psycho
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-28 18:59:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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