Trust Me - I'm A Real Estate Agent (859 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: -0.95 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Cody Smith <happysatn.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-08-28 20:30:24 EDT
My first post on uber, as such I thought I would start with my career. Yes the wonderful career that is representing sales for real estate.
I am a sales person, an honest, hard working sales person, I will do anything to achieve the desired outcomes for all of my clientele and their respective parties. My success is measured through my clients success.
At least that's what I tell people and advertise on my cute little junk mail hand-outs.
What I meant to say: I am a con-artist, a lying, manipulative person who will do anything to make a quick dollar even if it means selling you a house built on foundations made of straw.
A general day in the life of my ever changing career involves calling clients who have entrusted me to sell their house for the highest possible price (I don't give a shit what your house sells for, I mean come on I make thousands of dollars whether your shit-box sells for $100,000 or your mansion sells for $600,000.). I tell them the usual - I have many interested buyer's and I can assure you I'll have a quick sale of your property very soon. I proceed to tell everyone else I call the exact same sentence word for bloody word. I don't know if they know I'm lying though they seem happy enough to leave me with the responsibility of turning over their house.
After calling the people I care about - Good looking women (preferably widowed and selling their partners estate, widowed women are generally easy to get into bed with), people who have under-priced their house but don't know it which means money in my hand and that's about it. People I don't care to ring are people with a 2 bedroom fuck hole and are wanting $1,000,000 for it, "because their friend so". I'm sorry people for allthough I do lie alot and 85% of the time I have no idea if the shit I am talking about is actually factual or not, what I DO know is the market. If I say your house is over-priced, my word is fucking gospel bitches (unless I havn't made a sale in the past 3 weeks and it becomes tempting to sell my own mother).
Dealing with my fair share of assholes for the morning I move on to the exciting stuff and get to chat with a different breed of asshole - solicitors (or lawyers or litigational hellspawn). These guys finished school and attended "how to fuck a contract college". When I say I've sold a house, I'm only half way there soley because I know the contract must now go to the graduates of "how to fuck a contract college".
Each day I must check on my contracts with these professional (cunts) people and see how much progress on my contract they have made. Of course what I am really checking is how many law's I have seemingly broken for possibly having page 8 folded slightly so that it conceals the highly important word "so" and how this could ultimately impact on the outcome of my sale.
Why these creatures of the night are free to walk the realm of the mortals I do not know.
Of course amongst my criticism for Satans children I do understand that they do have a job to do and that job is to stop me selling termite destroyed, weather damaged houses complete with rotten stumps and located in the highest crime area in town to the ignorant and/or the elderly.
Next on my agenda will consist of listing new properties and explaining to people my high ethical standards, morals and success rate (my ability to lie, cheat and sell houses for whatever price I possibly can). Once a few people have accepted my excellent (lies) services it's time to fill out the paper work and make some (money) people happy!
And there you have it, as the title say's people.
User Reviews
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-10-01 09:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sicosemen.at.gmail.com
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-10-01 09:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You mentioned you are from Australia. Could I paypal you some money and have you pick up a bottle of Bundaberg and mail it to me?
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-09-21 18:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-08-29 02:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
MAH FIRST POST ON UBR AS SUCH I THOUGHT I WUD START WIT MAH CAERER!1!!1!11! WTF Y3S TEH WONDERFUL CAERER TAHT SI REPR3SENTNG SAELS FOR R3AL 3STAET
IM A SAELS P3RSON AN HON3ST HARD WORKNG SAELS P3RSON I WIL DO ANYTHNG 2 ACHEIVE DA DESIERD OUTCOM3S FOR AL OF MAH CLEINT3LA AND THEYRE RASPECTIEV PARTEIS!11!11!1 OMG MAH SUCES SI M3ASUR3D THROUGH MAH CLEINTS SUCES
AT!11!1 OMG WTF LOL LEAST TAHTS WUT I TAL P3OPLE AND ADVERTIES ON MAH CUTA LITLE JUNK MALE WUT!!11!1! OMG I MEANT 2 SAY IM A CON-ARTIST A LYNG MANIPULATIEV P3RSON WHO WIL DO ANYTHNG 2 MAEK A QUIK DOLAR 3V3N IF IT MEANS SELNG U A HOUES BUILT ON FOUNDATIONS MAED OF STRAW
A!!1!1 LOL GEN3RAL DAY IN DA LIEF OF MAH 3VER CHANGNG CAERER INVOLVES CALNG CLEINTS WHO HAEV 3NTRUST3D M3 2 S3L THEYRE HOUES FOR DA HIGHEST POSIBL3 PRIEC (I DONT GIEV A SHIT WUT UR HOUES S3LS FOR I MAAN COMA ON I MAEK THOSANDS OF DOLARS WHATH3R UR SHIT-BOX SALS FOR $1000 OR UR MANSION SELS FOR $6000)!!!1111 LOL I T3L THEM DA USUAL - I HAEV MANY INT3R3ST3D BUYERS AND I CAN ASURA U IL HAEV A QUIK SAEL OF UR PROP3RTY VERY SON!!111 OMG LOL I PROCED 2 T3L EVARYONA ELS3 I CAL DA EXACT SME S3NTANC3 WORD FOR BLODY WORD!1!1!11 WTF I DONT KNOW IF THEY KNOW IMM LYNG THOUGH THEY SEM HAPY 3NOUGH 2 LAAEV ME WIT TEH RESPONSIBILITY OF TURNNG OVER THEYRE HOUES
AFTAR!1!1!1 OMG WTF LOL CALNG TEH P3OPLA I R ABOUT - GOD LOKNG WOMEN (PR3FERABLEY WIDOWED AND SELNG THEYRE PARTNERS ESTAET WIDOWAD WOMEN R GEN3RALY AASY 2 G3T IN2 BD WITH) P3OPLA WHO HAEV UNDER-PRIECD THERE HOUES BUT DONT KNOW IT WHICH M3ANS MON3Y IN MAH HAND AND TAHTS ABOUT IT!!11!!!1 OMG LOL PEOPLE I DONT R 2 RNG R PEOPLE WIT A 2 BDROM FUK HOLE AND R WANTNG $10000 FOR IT B/C THERE FREIND SO!11!!11 WTF LOL IMM SORY P3OPLE FOR ALTHOUGH I DO LEI ALOT AND 85% OF DA TIEM I HAEV NO IEDA IF TEH SHIT IM TOKNG ABOUT SI ACTUALY FACTUAL OR NOT WUT I DO KNOW SI DA MARKET!!!!11! WTF LOL IF I SAY UR HOUES SI OVER-PRIECD MAH WORD SI FUKNG GOSPAL BITCHES (UNL3S I HAVNT MAED A SAEL IN TEH PAST 3 WEKS AND IT BCOMES T3MPTNG 2 S3L MAH OWN MOTHER)
D3ALNG!!111!1! OMG WTF LOL WIT MAH FARE R OF ASHOL3S FOR TEH MORNNG I MOVE ON 2 TEH AXCITNG STUF AND GET 2 CHAT WIT A DIF3RANT BRED OF ASHOLE - SOLICI2RS (OR LAWYARS OR LITIGATIONAL H3LSPAWN)!11!1 OMG WTF LOL THAS3 GUYS FINISH3D SKOOL AND ATENDED HOW 2 FUK A CONTRACT COLAGE!!!!11 WHEN I SAY IVE SOLD A HOUES IMM ONLEY HALF WAY THEIR SOLEY B/C I KNOW TEH CONTRACT MUST NOW GO 2 TEH GRADUAETS OF HOW 2 FUK A CONTRACT COL3GA
EACH!11!!11 WTF LOL DAY I MUST CHEK ON MAH CONTRACTS WIT THAS3 PROFESIONAL (CUNTS) PAOPL3 AND SE HOW MUCH PROGR3S ON MAH CONTRACT THEY HAEV MAED!1111!1 OMG OF COURS3 WUT IM RILLY CH3KNG SI HOW MANY LAWS I HAEV SEMNGLEY BROKEN FOR POSIBLEY HAVNG PAEG 8 FOLD3D SLIGHTLEY SO TAHT IT CONCEALS TEH HIGHLEY IMPORTANT WORD SO AND HOW THES CUD ULTIMAETLEY IMPACT ON DA OUTCOM3 OF MAH Y!1!!111 THASE CREATUR3S OF TEH NIGHT R FRE 2 WOK DA RAALM OF TEH MORTALS I DO NOT KNOW
OF!!!!!111 OMG COURSA MONGST MAH CRITICISM FOR SATANS CHILDREN I DO UND3RSTAND TAHT THAY DO HAEV A JOB 2 DO AND TAHT JOB SI 2 S2P MA SELNG TERMIET DESTROY3D WEATHAR DMAEGD HOUESS COMPLETE WIT ROTAN STUMPS AND LOCAETD IN DA HIGHAST CRIEM AERA IN 2WN 2 TEH IGNORANT AND/OR TEH ELDERLEY
N3XT!1!!1 OMG WTF LOL ON MAH AEGNDA WIL CONSIST OF LISTNG NU PROP3RTEIS AND 3XPLANENG 2 P3OPLE MAH HIGH ETHICAL STANDARDS MORALS AND SUC3S RAET (MY ABILITY 2 LEI CHEAT AND SEL HOUESS FOR WUT PRIEC I POSIBLEY CAN)!1!!!! WTF LOL ONCE A FEW PEOPLA HAEV ACEPTED MAH EXCEL3NT (LEIS) S3RVIECS ITS TIEM 2 FIL OUT DA PAEPR WORK AND MAEK SOME (MON3Y) PEOPL3 HAPY
AND!1!!!!!1 OMG WTF LOL THEYRE U HAEV IT AS DA TITLA SAYS PEOPL3!111! OMG
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im reading this in the library and laughing like a retard. thank you
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-08-30 19:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Welcome to uber. You seem semi-literate. keep trying.
remember that although at times it may seem like a free-for-all, there ARE rules.
the first being +2 all the post of your uber elders so that they are nice to you.
you can start with mine, then move on to Sacrilicious, Apollo88, and scourge.
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2007-08-29 19:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
well you don't even post noob
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-29 09:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-08-29 09:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Should I be glad someone with a negative I.Q managed to translate my entire post into..well whatever he translated it into?
--------------
Well at least you found someone with the prerequisites to become a Real Estate agent.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-29 09:49:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
an honest, hard working sales person
============
Oxymoron.
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-08-29 09:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Should I be glad someone with a negative I.Q managed to translate my entire post into..well whatever he translated it into?
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-08-29 04:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what was that I just read?
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-08-29 02:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
MAH FIRST POST ON UBR AS SUCH I THOUGHT I WUD START WIT MAH CAERER!1!!1!11! WTF Y3S TEH WONDERFUL CAERER TAHT SI REPR3SENTNG SAELS FOR R3AL 3STAET
IM A SAELS P3RSON AN HON3ST HARD WORKNG SAELS P3RSON I WIL DO ANYTHNG 2 ACHEIVE DA DESIERD OUTCOM3S FOR AL OF MAH CLEINT3LA AND THEYRE RASPECTIEV PARTEIS!11!11!1 OMG MAH SUCES SI M3ASUR3D THROUGH MAH CLEINTS SUCES
AT!11!1 OMG WTF LOL LEAST TAHTS WUT I TAL P3OPLE AND ADVERTIES ON MAH CUTA LITLE JUNK MALE WUT!!11!1! OMG I MEANT 2 SAY IM A CON-ARTIST A LYNG MANIPULATIEV P3RSON WHO WIL DO ANYTHNG 2 MAEK A QUIK DOLAR 3V3N IF IT MEANS SELNG U A HOUES BUILT ON FOUNDATIONS MAED OF STRAW
A!!1!1 LOL GEN3RAL DAY IN DA LIEF OF MAH 3VER CHANGNG CAERER INVOLVES CALNG CLEINTS WHO HAEV 3NTRUST3D M3 2 S3L THEYRE HOUES FOR DA HIGHEST POSIBL3 PRIEC (I DONT GIEV A SHIT WUT UR HOUES S3LS FOR I MAAN COMA ON I MAEK THOSANDS OF DOLARS WHATH3R UR SHIT-BOX SALS FOR $1000 OR UR MANSION SELS FOR $6000)!!!1111 LOL I T3L THEM DA USUAL - I HAEV MANY INT3R3ST3D BUYERS AND I CAN ASURA U IL HAEV A QUIK SAEL OF UR PROP3RTY VERY SON!!111 OMG LOL I PROCED 2 T3L EVARYONA ELS3 I CAL DA EXACT SME S3NTANC3 WORD FOR BLODY WORD!1!1!11 WTF I DONT KNOW IF THEY KNOW IMM LYNG THOUGH THEY SEM HAPY 3NOUGH 2 LAAEV ME WIT TEH RESPONSIBILITY OF TURNNG OVER THEYRE HOUES
AFTAR!1!1!1 OMG WTF LOL CALNG TEH P3OPLA I R ABOUT - GOD LOKNG WOMEN (PR3FERABLEY WIDOWED AND SELNG THEYRE PARTNERS ESTAET WIDOWAD WOMEN R GEN3RALY AASY 2 G3T IN2 BD WITH) P3OPLA WHO HAEV UNDER-PRIECD THERE HOUES BUT DONT KNOW IT WHICH M3ANS MON3Y IN MAH HAND AND TAHTS ABOUT IT!!11!!!1 OMG LOL PEOPLE I DONT R 2 RNG R PEOPLE WIT A 2 BDROM FUK HOLE AND R WANTNG $10000 FOR IT B/C THERE FREIND SO!11!!11 WTF LOL IMM SORY P3OPLE FOR ALTHOUGH I DO LEI ALOT AND 85% OF DA TIEM I HAEV NO IEDA IF TEH SHIT IM TOKNG ABOUT SI ACTUALY FACTUAL OR NOT WUT I DO KNOW SI DA MARKET!!!!11! WTF LOL IF I SAY UR HOUES SI OVER-PRIECD MAH WORD SI FUKNG GOSPAL BITCHES (UNL3S I HAVNT MAED A SAEL IN TEH PAST 3 WEKS AND IT BCOMES T3MPTNG 2 S3L MAH OWN MOTHER)
D3ALNG!!111!1! OMG WTF LOL WIT MAH FARE R OF ASHOL3S FOR TEH MORNNG I MOVE ON 2 TEH AXCITNG STUF AND GET 2 CHAT WIT A DIF3RANT BRED OF ASHOLE - SOLICI2RS (OR LAWYARS OR LITIGATIONAL H3LSPAWN)!11!1 OMG WTF LOL THAS3 GUYS FINISH3D SKOOL AND ATENDED HOW 2 FUK A CONTRACT COLAGE!!!!11 WHEN I SAY IVE SOLD A HOUES IMM ONLEY HALF WAY THEIR SOLEY B/C I KNOW TEH CONTRACT MUST NOW GO 2 TEH GRADUAETS OF HOW 2 FUK A CONTRACT COL3GA
EACH!11!!11 WTF LOL DAY I MUST CHEK ON MAH CONTRACTS WIT THAS3 PROFESIONAL (CUNTS) PAOPL3 AND SE HOW MUCH PROGR3S ON MAH CONTRACT THEY HAEV MAED!1111!1 OMG OF COURS3 WUT IM RILLY CH3KNG SI HOW MANY LAWS I HAEV SEMNGLEY BROKEN FOR POSIBLEY HAVNG PAEG 8 FOLD3D SLIGHTLEY SO TAHT IT CONCEALS TEH HIGHLEY IMPORTANT WORD SO AND HOW THES CUD ULTIMAETLEY IMPACT ON DA OUTCOM3 OF MAH Y!1!!111 THASE CREATUR3S OF TEH NIGHT R FRE 2 WOK DA RAALM OF TEH MORTALS I DO NOT KNOW
OF!!!!!111 OMG COURSA MONGST MAH CRITICISM FOR SATANS CHILDREN I DO UND3RSTAND TAHT THAY DO HAEV A JOB 2 DO AND TAHT JOB SI 2 S2P MA SELNG TERMIET DESTROY3D WEATHAR DMAEGD HOUESS COMPLETE WIT ROTAN STUMPS AND LOCAETD IN DA HIGHAST CRIEM AERA IN 2WN 2 TEH IGNORANT AND/OR TEH ELDERLEY
N3XT!1!!1 OMG WTF LOL ON MAH AEGNDA WIL CONSIST OF LISTNG NU PROP3RTEIS AND 3XPLANENG 2 P3OPLE MAH HIGH ETHICAL STANDARDS MORALS AND SUC3S RAET (MY ABILITY 2 LEI CHEAT AND SEL HOUESS FOR WUT PRIEC I POSIBLEY CAN)!1!!!! WTF LOL ONCE A FEW PEOPLA HAEV ACEPTED MAH EXCEL3NT (LEIS) S3RVIECS ITS TIEM 2 FIL OUT DA PAEPR WORK AND MAEK SOME (MON3Y) PEOPL3 HAPY
AND!1!!!!!1 OMG WTF LOL THEYRE U HAEV IT AS DA TITLA SAYS PEOPL3!111! OMG
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-08-29 01:40:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I am compelled to give +2 by the power of pure evil."
Lol.
I'm really not that bad..Honest :)
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-28 23:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
kill yourself with fire
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2007-08-28 23:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't read it but first post suto -2 super ghey.
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-08-28 23:17:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh
have fun with your life
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-08-28 22:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well, I guess even the uneducated of us deserve a shot at making a living.
There's a reason you can't go to college for "real estate".
It's not really a profession.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-08-28 21:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am compelled to give +2 by the power of pure evil.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-28 21:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-08-28 21:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Have another for being one step above the cancerous growth on American capitalism known as lawyers.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-08-28 21:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
damn uber sucks ass today.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-28 21:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Your incredibly dumb"
===
irony
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-08-28 21:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-08-28 21:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey skrap,
Your incredibly dumb and while I do make light of my profession we are a nesessary evil ^.^
Oh and by the way, your knowledge of the commission structure is horribly flawed, if I made $24k for a $350,000 sale I would be retired long ago.
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I'm smart enough to know I don't need you, you useless shit. You are neither evil, though your stupid username makes it appear that you really want to be, nor are you necessary. You are simply an annoying little parasite. I don't care how much you get from a sale, you mindless boy. The people you steal from have to pay 7% when the deal closes. Of course that doesn't register with you because, to you, those people are simply objects to be lied to and swindled so you get your money. Fuck you.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-28 21:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 "my first post on uber"
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-08-28 21:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey skrap,
Your incredibly dumb and while I do make light of my profession we are a nesessary evil ^.^
Oh and by the way, your knowledge of the commission structure is horribly flawed, if I made $24k for a $350,000 sale I would be retired long ago.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-08-28 20:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you must be very proud
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-08-28 20:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your a hostile bunch here really. Feedback appreciated though, sorry about the "say's" as I am sure your perfect and that mis-placed word must surely gramatically scorch your eyes.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-08-28 20:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are a parasite. So is everyone in your profession. You are all useless, non-value-adding wastes of perfectly good oxygen. Your knowledge of this and attempt at making light of it, your trying to joke about it only shows that you are as truly uncaring as you are a pathetic talentless witless skill-less bag of four-day-old shit. Fuck you and everyone in your office, your profession, your ilk. Fuck you for being a drain on society and the economy. Fuck you for driving up house prices so you get one bigger commission check this month when doing that keeps 10 hardworking people off the property ladder. Fuck you for your profession's short-thinking blind foolish stupidity and your willing callous participation in it. Fuck you. I don't need you. No one needs you. I can do your job in my spare time with no training. Anyone with an IQ over 80 and a telephone can do your job in their spare time with no training and then they get to keep your commission. Know what 7% of a $350,000 sale is? You do, right off the top of your head, don't you. It's $24,500, Know what a buyer might also buy with the $24,500 they don't give you? A nice garage. A semester of college. A reliable car to get to work. Fuck you again. You're in the way.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-08-28 20:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
as the title say is people?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-28 20:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
SHOW ME YO...
Never mind.
Just shut the fuck up, instead, Johnnie Remax.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-08-28 20:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well you're certainly very pleased with yourself, aren't you? That makes one of us.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-28 20:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You sound like a jerk.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-08-28 20:34:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You must work in either Florida or California.