The Man (596 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.55 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by David Ball <hairdo2000.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-08-30 05:19:56 EDT
I felt the rain run down my face, as I stood out side the pub, the Landlord locked the door behind me for (what would turn out to be) the last time. After so long living in the same berg, with the same haunts, I would have imagined my heart to be heavy after 10 years, but it really wasn't. I guess that's part of not really fitting in and not having any binding ties anymore.
The orange street lights formed the rain into shafts of interrupted light, the rain seemed to tear through the night sky under the iridescent glow, bound for earth, then dissipate on the already soaked pavement, I always loved nights like these, made especially sweeter by the skin full of Stella Artois (Strong Belgium Lager). The usual plan for nights like this was to go home via the Chippy (chip shop), for a Pukka pie (shit in Pastry), but tonight, as seemed fitting of the last evening I would spend here only a change to the old routine would do. I took out my phone to see the time, 12:30 "I love twenty four hour licensing", mainly because it meant I didn't have to retreat to my coffin of a flat so early, in anticipation of the next torturous day.
Back then I was an engineer, and a damn fine technical draughtsman, but my heart lay else where, misplaced in my average ability as a musician, so it was, that I ended up in a high paying job, with plenty of perks due to its specialist nature, but never really putting my all into it. "you work to live mate, not live to work" recalling the words of the guy on the desk opposite and one of the laziest men I have ever had the pleasure to share a cubicle with. Being much older, and seemingly wiser than me, he practically became my mentor. It was him that infected me with me an unhealthy liking for local inappropriate 80's punk band the Macc Ladds. An interest I still haver today, and also him that gave me my lackadaisical attitude to the world of aerospace engineering.
"Vauxhall Viva's covered in rust but you can't fuck a bird on the 29 bus" Screeching through my I-Pod head phones at nine million decibels" as I part sauntered, part swayed, part crawled my drunken way home, (taking several long cuts, thinking them to be sort cuts because of my inebriated state) I mused to my self, "Like I need the bitch anyway" Barrie the barman (who's real name was Tim, but Tim doesn't rhyme with barman so we changed it. We being me and a couple of the other regulars, having the piss taken out of you by the regulars was an invitation to the inner sanctum and to be taken as a compliment) had been commenting on the recent severing of my better half for reasons unknown. I assumed it was the fact I paid more attention to my Guitars than I did to her. Which wasn't true, but that's what she seemed to think.
Upon passing the phone box on the corner I dropped in to get a card for a working girl, something I had never done before, but having your heart broken has a habit of sending you a little off the rails. Upon closer inspection of the pictures on the post cards, I thought better of it. Beer Goggles cover a multitude of sins, but some things just can't be air brushed away with alcohol. However the good old-fashioned movies of the blue variety would scratch that particular itch later.
"You seem to be a little lost friend", the deep and disconcerting voice from behind me uttered. I spun on my heel to see the man dressed in black. I admit he made me jump, but more because I could hear him over the belting music of my I-pod than the fact someone had appeared out of nowhere. The only thing I can recall about him now is that he was dry, it was raining like a mother Hubbard, and this schmuck was completely dry, I didn't pick out any facial features, couldn't tell you how tall he was, or give you an approximate age, I can only tell you that he was immune to rain. He spoke again, in his deep cracked voice, voice of a thousands Golden Virginia "so, where are you going?" "Well... Home" I replied. Trying not to let my voice tremble "It's late, and I've got work tomorrow" I turned from the mystery man and began to walk, I had shuffled not three steps and, there he was right in my path. "You don't turn your back on me boy, do you know who I am?" my blood ran cold, at the same time as my heart boiled, you can't be in his presence and not know it "Yes of course I do... Which makes me not want to talk to you even more", he released a deep, hearty belly laugh, "smart kid, I'm going to introduce myself any way, its what I do... call it an ego thing" I could make out his intense eyes burning out from under the rim of his Stetson, burrowing into my soul like rabid gerbils. He took a roll up cigarette from behind his ear and lit it with the end of his finger, a mildly impressive party trick.
"I whispered grandiose to the king of the crooked cross when he decimated Gods people. I was on the shoulders of the Christians who Sacked Rome. I was Patterns Advisor when he decided to drop the A-Bomb, I believe you know me, quite simply, as The Man. I could go on all day but you get the picture"
"Okay, so now you see why I don't really want to speak to you?" again trying not to let my voice crack with fear, "Your blood is running cold isn't it boy? All you want to do is run, so what's stopping you? You're curious, you want to know why the Prince of Darkness would want to talk to a lowly wretch like you." The distain and mild irritation in his voice carried volumes and did little to settle my nerve. I had to admit though, he was good, "Okay so you've got me, what is it that you want?" he pulled the rim of his hat down further as he again lit a cigarette he produced from behind his ear, "I didn't come all the way up here for a nice little chat, I want what he wants" his boney finger pointing to the havens, "I want you Soul" My blood ran colder still, my knees went weak, I thought I might pass out through abject fear, but my nerve stayed, Just. "up there is over rated kid, its just more of the same, having to do what you are told all the while, living to serve, its dull!" He flicked the cigarette to the floor, as it hit the deck flames leaped and writhed from the pavement. I could see it! Hell, in all its terrible glory, breathed in fire, all those souls, all that pain. The strong crushing the weak, the cunning slaughtering the stupid, I saw it, and I liked it. With out thinking I uttered "what do I have to do", any hint of fear now removed from my voice, only replaced with a feeling of belonging and a renewed vigour, eyes still fixed on the scene playing out on the pavement. "That my boy, you will find out in time, just think about it for a while, I'll come for you soon". With that, just as suddenly as he had appeared, he was gone, and the rain lashed down harder still, with out mercy, with out feeling, with out pity.
The morning after the event (no matter what the event) always seems like such an odd affair. I never open my eyes straight away; I spend the first thirty seconds of every day trying to figure out what I dreamed and what actually happened. Life blurs a little when you drink too much. On this day, despite the clarity of the night before, my brain convinced me that I must have been dreaming, obviously I knew better, but when you soul is in jeopardy, one may not always wish to recall the rhyme or reason and would prefer to just forget the event. As I'm sure you can ascertain from the number of commas in this text, I do have quite a hyperactive, highly strung nature, one that does not always serve me well, as it was this morn, I don't imagine the discerning reader would have coped well with Lucifer stealing his Co-co pops either. The serpent from the Old Testament, in my bedroom, masticating on my cereal of choice, first thing on a Friday morning does not a happy Engineer make. "What the fuck are you doing here?" his eyes I could now see plain as day, its from this meeting that I managed to create a mental image of him, although I should really be calling him what he is, and that is an it.
You remember when you where a child? you know you would get a feeling of dread for no reason, at really strange times? Well that was him, checking on your progress, watching you. You know when you would do something mean, out of character, or that was down right evil or spiteful? Well that was he sitting on your shoulder, whispering his sweet nothings of selfish service and unattainable power. This is the creature that hates all man, this is the serpent with seven heads, the enemy of the creator. All evil that happens in the world comes through him, he makes it happen and grows strong because of it. This is not a creature you want to be eating your chocolate flavoured rice puffs at the bottom of your sleeping place at 7:30 in the morning, but, alas here he was.
"Hey boy, it time, what's it going to be?" it was just so cliché, the devil would be an articulate Texan, typical! "well, since its your proposition, I think you should table an offer" he, once again rolled out that deep, booming belly laugh "hahahaha, I like you kid, I'll look forward to spending eternity with your soul, but the man don't make offers, so what's it gonna be?" "my mind raced with one thought "jstsaynojustsaynojustsayno" and thankfully, the engineers brain is as logical as the day is long. "Anything you could offer me would only be for this life, after that my soul is cast to eternal torment right?" (I didn't expect an answer and didn't get one; I suppose if anyone would spot a rhetorical question it would be him) "But what I'm offered by God is to live forever in paradise, so its really a bit of a no brain answer, but I think I'm going to go with the paradise... Sorry" next came the longest silence I have ever experienced, I tried to read his blank potholed face, but was met with a featureless expression, I felt like I was in hell, as his eyes burned through me, and again my heart boiled and my blood froze as he exploded, "You ungrateful little fucker! Do you know who I am? Nobody says no to me! You'll slip up you dirty human bastard, and when you do, you'll come to me anyway, then I'm gonna make real sure you suffer boy! You have no idea about the meaning of pain, but you will you fucking worm!" The room was suddenly filled with flames, I felt my flesh searing from my bones, I could feel the liquids in my eye balls boil, I could feel my hair set on fire, I couldn't take the pain any more, next, blackness. Silence.
I kept my eyes closed trying to figure out what had been a dream, and what was real. Then I realised how stupid that was, and opened my eyes. As soon as I did I knew! the half empty bowl on the chest at the foot of my bed gave it away. Again, my blood ran cold. After I had a second to think, it stopped. Had I just been saved from, him? The sun shone through a crack in the curtains and illuminated one spine on my bookshelf, The Holy Bible. A little obvious I know, but I refused to leave that room until I had read from cover to cover, for the next two weeks (I'm a really slow reader due to border line dyslexia, I think they called in 'dyslexic tendencies' at the institute where I was tested) I lived off Coco pops, water and rotten milk. it all tasted like the best food I ever ate. And despite the one, sparing bowl a day, I was never hungry, or despite my one pint of water per 24, never thirsty, I still had my soul, and I was going to make damn sure it was headed in the right direction
User Reviews
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-09-01 16:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
filename.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-08-30 18:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HBTS & EI!
Quit messing around with this noob's post.
You guys are going to get him banned and he won't even know why!
Listen hairdo guy, there are a few rules you have to follow to stay on uber.
One, you should always +2 some of your uber elders, like crystle, sacrilicious, orgasmatron and me BEFORE you post. If you post once you can usually get away with it, but some are more strict about this than others.
Two, you should always post a camwhore within your first three posts.
Crystle and Sacrilicious are two of the mods around this place. Watch out for Crystle, she is a real stickler for the rules.
There is some other stuff you should know too, but it'll come with time.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-30 17:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story, loved it.
and you have the dumbest name by the way
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-30 11:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-30 10:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
spellcheck.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 10:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
O RLY.
You are young in mind and young in body dear HBTS.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-30 10:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 14:59:34 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
If you look at my photos hairdo dude you will see I am far better looking than HBTS.
=================
BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *DIES*
Don't worry about it Hairdo, me and EI are very much in love. You could not break us!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 09:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If you look at my photos hairdo dude you will see I am far better looking than HBTS.
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 09:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...Wow... I just srarted my first domestic!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-30 09:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
NOW NOW EI BEHAVE YOUR GAY SELF!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 09:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
HBTS is a hairy cock sucker
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-30 09:38:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 14:35:30 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
I take it alternate accounts are a no no then? I'll have to try stuff out on my friends before I post in that case :P
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You can have them, just make sure they're actually funny/entertaining. Unfunny alters include, but are not limited to, TheUniter, EmissionImpossible. Actually that's about it.
Emission is my alter. I use him to talk about my obvious but still closeted homosexuality.
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 09:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I take it alternate accounts are a no no then? I'll have to try stuff out on my friends before I post in that case :P
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 09:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yes HBTS only has one alter called Rabid Rooster but he has been banned.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-30 09:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 14:19:46 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Whats an alter? I'm asuming you mean someone who just changed screen name?
====================
An alter is an alternative account. For more information speak to Sico and Bret. You will know them soon enough.
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 09:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whats an alter? I'm asuming you mean someone who just changed screen name?
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-08-30 09:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/109568#2511189
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That's better boy.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-30 09:13:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First Post.
I'll read it some other time.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-30 08:58:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, a decent first post. I really hope you aren't an alter.
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 08:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sincerest apologies, I think you have misunderstood the reasons for a 1! Would I give Van Gouch a 2 if he was alive? Hell no!! Why?? Because then he wouldn't have been an unapreciated genius, like yourself! If I gave you a 2, then you would go from Uber Genius that the rest of the world didn't understand yet, and turn into, ordinary pleb who's stuff is a bit funny and people who half read it give it a 2!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 08:44:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How fucking dare you give me 1 for the Hitchers tale, its a masterpiece!!
I have given you one for your first piece of work, most people get -2's. I will seriously have to review my thinking of you, you monkey arsed feces taster.
Submitted by The_Hitcher (user info) at 2007-08-30 08:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/109568#2511137
I JUST CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO +2 YOU BOY, TERRIBLY SORRY MIND.
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 07:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Batter him with yer Passport!!
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-08-30 07:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome. Me likey. Not that it means much from me.
Ahh more brit ramblings horrah! I will be back I suddenly feel the need to whip my poor Thai boy under my desk.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 07:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well I just think it looks odd.
Hell I cant write though, well check out the Hitchers Tale and you may disagree. One of my dittys. Oh and my MS paint MASTERPIECE!!
n.b if you take drugs and have a vivid imagination
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 06:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:58:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Also the bracket bit..... the Landlord locked the door behind me for (what would turn out to be).... dont like that.
Im not entirely sure you need the brackets.
I agree with you, I was trying to use it to express the irratic nature of he charecter, did it help or was it just confusing?
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 06:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn it, your translations are so much more accurate than mine!!
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-08-30 06:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
UK translation...
Stella Artois - aka Stella I'll Twat You / Wifebeater (only bellends partake of this tipple)
Pukka Pies - Extremely "un-pukker"
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 06:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
retards
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-30 06:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wouldn't worry about getting fired. One of my senior managers just came in while I was happily looking at lolcats. He laughed.
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 06:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The same that is hauling your arses through the Iraq war, you know why England is called the seatof the empire though? It's where all the shite comes from andis also full of it, and thank you, am happy to be here! But as the old saying goes. Don't talk politics or Religion with people you've just met... I believe I have squeezed both in! Good work I recon! I will return the favour later by rating some of your stuff, but now I'd better do some work, befor I get my ass fired!!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-30 06:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 11:05:44 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahah Lol!! Gotta give the empire a good name mate, plus I used to be a cyber bastard, before I found out its far more fun being a bastard to people in person.
=================
By empire do you mean that decrepit pile of shit we have the affront to call a nation? Strange having another uber-Brit. Welcome aboard.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 06:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
P.S Dont LOL
EVER
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 06:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahah Lol!! Gotta give the empire a good name mate, plus I used to be a cyber bastard, before I found out its far more fun being a bastard to people in person.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 10:56:56 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Really? I looked every where for it last time I was across the pond and found it nowhere, which wasn't such a bad thing becuase Bud is good too, yeah, its been a while since I wrote a short story, I'll try to research a little about formatting cheers guys.
=============
It's there dude, you just have to go to the right places!
Re: Formatting. Just make sure you take line breaks between paragraphs and speech.
Like this.
Piece of piss.
You're the politest new user here. Fucking weirdo.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:58:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Also the bracket bit..... the Landlord locked the door behind me for (what would turn out to be).... dont like that.
Im not entirely sure you need the brackets.
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Really? I looked every where for it last time I was across the pond and found it nowhere, which wasn't such a bad thing becuase Bud is good too, yeah, its been a while since I wrote a short story, I'll try to research a little about formatting cheers guys.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've actually read this now. Not bad, but formatting is your friend! Agree with orph on the slang thing, especially since Stella is a universal beverage pretty much.
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks muchly mate, good advice, see the things you don't think that you should.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And - don't translate the English slang - it detracts from the story, and takes the reader out of the scenario.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm giving this a +2, as it is your first post, and it is not bad.
Please, if you have more than one character talking, split their speech into new paragraphs - these blocks make it hard to read and see who is saying what.
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lol, I know, I've just found that out dammit, after feed back as its the first thing I've ever posted of this nature. So please be gentle and try not to crush my enthusiastic spirit!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dont +2 yourself, makes no difference!
Submitted by Hairdo2000 (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:30:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I was going to pink_tent_circle but chickened out!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
rain always is good for story telling.
p.s fruit below
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-08-30 05:27:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A NEW ENTRANT FOR GAYEST NAME ON HERE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU 'HAIRDO2000'!!