Flawed Logic: The Misogynist Guide to the Female Thought Process (1137 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 0.81 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2007-08-30 12:46:27 EDT
The female of the species is capable of independent thought. A novel concept, I'm certain, but it's a proven concept none-the-less. But, let's take a moment to dissect the word 'capable,' shall we?
ca-pa-ble; pronounced [key-puh-buhl ]
-adjective
1. having power and ability; efficient, competent.
-idiom
-Capable of:
1. having the ability or capacity for;
2. open to the influence or effect of; susceptible of;
3. predisposed to; inclined to
Now, by definition, the word capable is almost without boundary. An amoeba is capable of locating food. A chimp is capable of learning sign language. A man is capable of wonderful and terrible things, as is a woman. Immeasurable is determining what something might be capable of. Capable and able are two different animals that thrive in different habitats. They're the proverbial night and day.
In defining the word, I am ABLE to present to you my reader, the flawed process that is feminine thought. Please be aware that this can serve as a guide to both the male, in understanding the female, and in the female to understand herself and others like her.
1. Inferred Meaning
A sane and focused individual is able to communicate their feelings in a forthright manner.
A man makes the statement that he is hungry; therefore, he wants nourishment. A woman makes the statement that she is hungry; therefore, she can't eat because the bread from the sandwich aids in increasing the size of her buttocks. However, this does not encompass the scope of the problem. Dual meanings within communication with women would be a gift from God. A man should be so lucky.
It seems that hopelessness is realized when the word 'the' implies 3 to four meanings. Clearly an exaggeration to get the point across, a man's life experiences and everything that he has learned culminates when a woman utters the word 'fine.' Fine can be the exact definition or many different offshoots that may or may pertain to the word itself.
Man: How are you today?
Woman: I'm fine.
Her meaning: The morning went OK up until Melissa (that bitch) told me that her boyfriend got her a ring and I want a ring. Do you think that he notices that I may be gassy? I wonder if that dress is still on sale. I wish that I hadn't slept with that bartender the other night. There's no way that this is a yeast infection.
Man: Do you want to watch this?
Woman: It's fine.
Meaning: Why the fuck do you always have to watch educational television?! MTV has a Real World marathon and Lifetime has that movie about that lesbian, ambidextrous couple that scoffs in the face of adversity. We could watch both between commercials, godammit!
Man: Are you OK?
Woman: I'm fine.
Her meaning: I would kill you now if thought that I could hide the body and wouldn't get caught. OMFG! He really thinks that I mean that I'm fine. I'll show him. I'm going to have sex with his dad and I don't even care if he lost his leg to diabetes and just had a stroke. Fuck him for thinking that he can leave the toilet seat up and put away the stuff that I left laying around the house. FUCK HIM!
Never take the word fine at face value. As a man, that is your only defense. You must always equate the word fine with the word fucked. It's a simple alliteration that must never be forgotten lest you wish to face the female death gaze. Limit your replies to simple monosyllabic answers like yes and no. Sometimes, guttural grunts will suffice so long as they're in agreement.
2. Organ Impairment: The Brain Versus the Heart
I've often hypothesized as to the direct location where thought occurs in the female body. It has often been said that a man processes thought within his penis. I disagree, in that thoughts about his penis and the use thereof are in fact processed in the brain. It's science.
A woman processes thought in her heart. She thinks with feelings. Explaining herself with unnecessary jargon like, "I feel that we should talk," and "I feel like we've accomplished a lot," and the always hilarious, "I feel like you're in my ass." Strike the first three words and you've made a statement, processed a thought and put it into forthright communication.
The moment that a woman begins to tell me her feelings, I begin to think about fishing or sex or Bloodsport. I think about anything to avoid being sucked into the whirlwind void of insanity, littered with inconsequential, mundane details about the type of tampons that aren't as irritable to her vagina.
Pretend that you care. All the while, remember that you don't. The moment that you find yourself caring is the moment that your penis is revoked and you're forced to be a greeter at Wal-Mart.
...Next: 3. Shopping = Murder
User Reviews
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-10-16 16:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, this made me laugh quite a bit.
Cheers...
Submitted by beat_raven (user info) at 2007-09-01 04:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-08-31 18:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vastly underrated.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-08-31 18:30:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-08-31 10:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not an amateur. I've been called much worse. I'm a pro fessional.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-08-31 09:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
amateur
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-08-31 08:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
alliteration?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-08-31 03:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fish face
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-08-31 01:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This type of post only works if you're really angry or misogynist, cuntface.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-08-30 23:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This wasn't that great, really. Done-to-death topic.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-08-30 23:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, we're psychos all right, what with our pouting and inscrutability and whatnot. Do you have a problem with that? I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU.
I'm sorry baby. Are you mad at me now? *sniffle*
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-08-30 23:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think its hilarious when something like this gets posted, and all the women come out to start going, "Nuh-uh. That's not true! We're never like that."
Bullshit.
Submitted by DeMoNiC (user info) at 2007-08-30 21:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very predictable, though very nicely written.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-08-30 18:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Bloodsport.
'his first fight in the kumite and he broke the fuckig world record!'
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-08-30 17:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Women, what's the saying? Club them over the head and take them back to your cave.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-08-30 17:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK. You're entitled to that.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-30 16:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't enjoy it, I don't agree with your reasoning, I'm with Anansie on the "no passive agressive bullshit" thing.
The Zero is for being coherent.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-08-30 16:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Completely predictable -2.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-30 15:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here have a higher rating since I am *gasp* talking so much. Damn this giney.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-08-30 15:37:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I for one would love if fine often meant what it implied. It has been my experience that it means just the opposite.
I'm not angry with my fiance.
I was on the phone with her earlier. She was angry at a customer and called me while I was having lunch. Mind you that I'm in a restaurant. She told why she was angry. I truly care about her 'feelings'. I listened to her spiel about this particular customer. I had nothing to add other than "that sucks."
Her response: "Don't judge me." And then she hung up. I hate being hung up on. But that was just too funny to get mad over. I simply told her not to be rude with me and left it at that.
Not all women are like her; that's why I'm with her. I get in so much trouble when we're fighting because I find so much humor in her train of thought. I know far too many women that have similar thought processes to think that it's merely coincidental.
There's no malice here. There's just one word that sums it all up.
Thundercunts.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-30 15:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-08-30 15:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-30 15:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
monkeyswithguns, when I say fine, I mean fine. I was using myself as an example of "sometimes." Perhaps I should have said, "with some women" fine means fine, instead of "sometimes."
I realize I'm probably an abberation. It doesn't matter because I found someone who doesn't need me to vocalize every little thought I have in order to reassure him that things are "ok." I don't have the mental energy for annoyances like that. Thank god I found someone who doesn't expect me to talk about my day, or how I feel. We can go all day without talking and everything is, yes, as a matter of fact, perfectly fine. I enjoy it and he probably feels he's hit the jackpot.
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Great then could you talk to mine for me Anansie? No matter how many times I say no I'm not mad, everything's fine, etc. he keeps acting all hover-y and mother hen-ish.
In fact, he's the one who talks too much. My gawd, how much do bikers have to say to one another anyway?! I checked his used minutes vs. my used minutes one month. Mine were HALF of his.
Sheesh.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know what to tell you. I had that problem. The guy was too clingy so I dumped him. That may not be a solution in your case.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-30 15:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I realize I'm probably an abberation. It doesn't matter because I found someone who doesn't need me to vocalize every little thought I have in order to reassure him that things are "ok.""
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Congratulations for being a good role model for women who don't know how to STFU and be honest, and for your happiness.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-08-30 15:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-30 15:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
monkeyswithguns, when I say fine, I mean fine. I was using myself as an example of "sometimes." Perhaps I should have said, "with some women" fine means fine, instead of "sometimes."
I realize I'm probably an abberation. It doesn't matter because I found someone who doesn't need me to vocalize every little thought I have in order to reassure him that things are "ok." I don't have the mental energy for annoyances like that. Thank god I found someone who doesn't expect me to talk about my day, or how I feel. We can go all day without talking and everything is, yes, as a matter of fact, perfectly fine. I enjoy it and he probably feels he's hit the jackpot.
-------
Great then could you talk to mine for me Anansie? No matter how many times I say no I'm not mad, everything's fine, etc. he keeps acting all hover-y and mother hen-ish.
In fact, he's the one who talks too much. My gawd, how much do bikers have to say to one another anyway?! I checked his used minutes vs. my used minutes one month. Mine were HALF of his.
Sheesh.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-30 15:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
monkeyswithguns, when I say fine, I mean fine. I was using myself as an example of "sometimes." Perhaps I should have said, "with some women" fine means fine, instead of "sometimes."
I realize I'm probably an abberation. It doesn't matter because I found someone who doesn't need me to vocalize every little thought I have in order to reassure him that things are "ok." I don't have the mental energy for annoyances like that. Thank god I found someone who doesn't expect me to talk about my day, or how I feel. We can go all day without talking and everything is, yes, as a matter of fact, perfectly fine. I enjoy it and he probably feels he's hit the jackpot.
As I've said before, I absolutely, thoroughly despise passive aggression so if something is wrong I say it point blank.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-08-30 15:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fine sometimes means fine. My ex used to annoy the piss out of me because he couldn't take the word "fine" at face value.
--------------------------------------------
"Fine sometimes means fine"
"sometimes" is the same as "occasionally"
Your ex couldn't take fine at face value because there are ridiculous consequences to misinterpreting the female meaning of "fine."
It would be one thing if a woman said "fine" and even if she didn't mean it, she kept her mouth shut.
It's a totally different matter when she says "fine" and it results in:
A)signifigant decrease in sex.
B)whining and bitching beyond normal levels
C)emotional/psychological terrorism
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-08-30 14:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it a man??
Sometimes it may be hard to tell, here are a few things to look for in a man:
A penis (although many women have these too)
Big muscles (although a notable number of women have these)
Loving, caring, romantic (don't worry there, I was only kidding)
Only two places to stick a penis
Balls (although women have these too, they're just higher and called breasts; if you look close enough you have a bunch of nipples on your balls)
Six packs
Beer bellies
Pornography hidden away somewhere
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-08-30 14:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fine sometimes means fine. My ex used to annoy the piss out of me because he couldn't take the word "fine" at face value. The truth is, I don't like talking about my day, or my feelings, or much else for that matter. I don't feel the need to fill the air with meaningless drivel. No, I don't want to tell you what I'm thinking. My silence does not mean I am upset. Most of the time I want to be left alone. If I want something from you, if I feel the need to discuss something, I'll tell you. The truth is, I was in a wonderful, peaceful place until you invaded it with your endless interrogation. "What are you thinking?" "What's wrong?" "Why are you so quiet?" Ad nauseum. Just stfu and let me read my book/watch tv/sit in perfect, peaceful silence.
==========
And this is why Anansie is my internet crush.
That and she has the Cyanide and Happiness comic book.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-30 14:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"yea thats right"
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-08-30 14:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. Why doesn't Mrs. Shlongy ever want to just "shut up and sit there, staring into space like David Puddy"?
You know, at one point in my life, I undertook a "vow of silence" in my house for almost 18 months?
I didn't want to interrupt Mrs. Shlongy.
Testing....2...2....is this thing on?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-08-30 14:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-08-30 12:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i wasn't aware that there was a stereotype about women not wanting to watch education television.
----------------------
E! celebrity documentries, and stories about princess diana's life don't count as educational.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-08-30 14:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm engaged. I'm not mad. I just think it's funny.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have a +2 lad
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Me too, FG. I used to try to spare people's feelings, but I really try be honest as often as possible at this point in my life. I hate hate hate passive aggressive bs and if something is wrong I will let you know EXACTLY what it is, no guessing games. How can you solve problems if one of you doesn't know what's wrong?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
better than the overall rating.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fine sometimes means fine. My ex used to annoy the piss out of me because he couldn't take the word "fine" at face value. The truth is, I don't like talking about my day, or my feelings, or much else for that matter. I don't feel the need to fill the air with meaningless drivel. No, I don't want to tell you what I'm thinking. My silence does not mean I am upset. Most of the time I want to be left alone. If I want something from you, if I feel the need to discuss something, I'll tell you. The truth is, I was in a wonderful, peaceful place until you invaded it with your endless interrogation. "What are you thinking?" "What's wrong?" "Why are you so quiet?" Ad nauseum. Just stfu and let me read my book/watch tv/sit in perfect, peaceful silence.
------------
I feel your pain! My boyfriend has just about driven me crazy asking 'What's wrong? Are you mad at me? What happened?'
I'm quiet and don't feel the need to yammer on and on just to talk. There is nothing wrong with being quiet. Truth is, I'm busy thinking about 3 dozen things at any given moment in time.
Apparently though, if you're female, you're expected to yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak 24/7. Of course, if you do that, they bitch about how women never shut up.
Anyway, I had to explain to my boyfriend that nothing is wrong, no I'm not mad at him, and nothing has happened with the promise that IF something should upset me, I will most certainly inform him in the 'just the facts, ma'am' format.
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're single, huh?
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:27:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wonder if there are Misogynist Gynecologists?
These questions keep me awake at night.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fine sometimes means fine. My ex used to annoy the piss out of me because he couldn't take the word "fine" at face value. The truth is, I don't like talking about my day, or my feelings, or much else for that matter. I don't feel the need to fill the air with meaningless drivel. No, I don't want to tell you what I'm thinking. My silence does not mean I am upset. Most of the time I want to be left alone. If I want something from you, if I feel the need to discuss something, I'll tell you. The truth is, I was in a wonderful, peaceful place until you invaded it with your endless interrogation. "What are you thinking?" "What's wrong?" "Why are you so quiet?" Ad nauseum. Just stfu and let me read my book/watch tv/sit in perfect, peaceful silence.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-08-30 12:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was just bored and was basing it on personal experience. I truly do think that most women have a problem with A, B, C logic, at times.
----
i like the discovery channel, tlc, etc.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Way to generalize!
What woman pissed in your cornflakes recently?
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this doesn't happen in my head.
i love sports.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not that I dislike sports. I just don't get any enjoyment out of watching others play a game. I just see it as passive living...
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:01:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Caul,
I don't think that they're emotionally retarded. I just wonder what posesses them to put forward the method of thinking that they sometimes do.
Of the emotionally retarded I would ask if they're blessed with the retard strength without the mental retardation? That's a question for the ages...
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Never take the word fine at face value. As a man, that is your only defense."
hahaha
That part is probably true.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-08-30 13:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-08-30 17:57:54 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't watch sports. There. I said it. I would rather watch flies having sex than watch other people play a game. If I'm playing, different story...
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I actually WOULD prefer to watch flies having sex but then I'm still coming to terms with the end of my Zoology related University shenanigans.
Disliking football in Britain means that I am regarded as a kind of social leper.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-08-30 12:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was just bored and was basing it on personal experience. I truly do think that most women have a problem with A, B, C logic, at times.
I don't watch sports. There. I said it. I would rather watch flies having sex than watch other people play a game. If I'm playing, different story...
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-08-30 12:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not all women are emotionally retarded. i just realized that my ex is though. :-Þ
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-08-30 12:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-08-30 12:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man: Do you want to watch this?
Woman: It's fine.
Meaning: Why the fuck do you always have to watch educational television?! MTV has a Real World marathon and Lifetime has that movie about that lesbian, ambidextrous couple that scoffs in the face of adversity. We could watch both between commercials, godammit!
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would have worked better if you'd been more honest and called it "sports program."
i wasn't aware that there was a stereotype about women not wanting to watch education television.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-08-30 12:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweeping generalisations are fun, as are ethnic slurs. A personal favourite is "Dago". As in "Silence you greasy dago and wash those dishes faster! Vaminose! Vaminose!"
See, an ethnic slur AND a sweeping generalisation in one sentence!
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-08-30 12:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-08-30 12:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I enjoy huge sweeping generalizations just as much as I enjoy racial slurs.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-08-30 12:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The replies "I'm fine" and "nothing" cause involuntary shudders.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-08-30 12:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't say I agree...