Fun with Myspace (473 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: -1.16 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RenTheUnsightly (View user info) at 2007-09-03 06:12:28 EDT
Um, so I love Myspace dot com. It's way better than fucking Facebook. Facebook is empty fake-friendly vaneer hiding the true ugly voyeurism that really drives these kind of sites. Myspace is sketchy from the get go. You can message random people with insane gibberish and declare your love for illicit drugs without the fear that your professor or potential employers might see it. Well, there is still some fear of that, but it's easier to hide.
Anyway, when I'm bored and lonely I like to message random girls. It started off simple enough. I would do the electronic equivalent of cat-calling. Just stupid ghetto-style come-ons like "Damn girl, you so fine, you blow my mind" or shit like that. Then I got a little playful. To one ghetto-fabulous profile I said simply:
"i'm awesome---friend me."
She replied, "ight u got that[.]"
Cool. I felt the approval I never got from my estranged father. I kept this up for a while, sending short indirect propositions of romance/friendship, but I didn't get much more success, so I ignored Myspace for a while. When I resumed my cyber-spelunking, I took a more direct approach. I headed my messages with the subject: "myspace flirting gone wrong" and tried to reference stuff on their profile as much as possible.
To this one dark, emo girl I wrote, "You're hella scary" "[something something]" (I don't remember). But the thing about that was that she responded with something to the extant of, "Ugh, who are you. Do you wanna show me your dick? Ok bye." I got very scared. Then I thought, "Why should I be scared?" Then I remembered hearing about police departments trying to catch sexual predators who target underage girls on Myspace. I felt horrible and promptly deleted her message.
This one string of entertaining correspondences started with another young girl, but this one 18, and with me saying, "Hi, flrity McFlirt here. The myspace blog feature isn't working, but I wanted to find out why you're a "real bitch" and why on earth you would date a "soccer" player."
She responded with the content of her blogs, which was typical high-school aged ghettoized fluff like "A fake bitch expects you to always be there for them. *A real bitch knows you will always be there for them, they don't have to expect shit." But it was edgy enough and I could tell she wrote it herself, so I was intrigued. We flirted back and forth for a while, some of it witty, but I can't find the messages. Our correspondence ended when I told her I would look for here whenever I was wandering around downtown, and she never replied to that. Oh, well, I guess I got to "real" on her.
I took a little break again, and when I came back I started exclusively responding to people's blogs. This is a very important strategy for trying to connect with people on Myspace. People who write blogs are way more likely to be interested in reading what you write and making chit chat. They're less likely to be vacuous whores and idiots who just friend 1,000 people and never say anything beyond an initial profile comment saying "Thanks for the add!" accompanied by a 400x400 picture of a rose or balloons or some such hallmark retardedness.
The one response which would prove fruitful and actually end up in me meeting a girl face to face started with a message that surprised me as I didn't remember seeing this person's profile before. Her message said simply, "How come I don't know who you are." I'm pretty slow on the uptake, but I should have guessed she was responding to a blog comment I left on another girl's profile. But I responded with:
"Yours is a strange message stranger, I don't know why you don't know who I am. Read my blogs. Peace."
She did read my blogs and she responded warmly to my tales of a childhood in a dopey Central Valley town, playing with my dingy and drinking my own pee. She said she never drank her pee before but she could understand my boredom, having grown up in the same town.
There was something about her style that I knew this would lead to somewhere. Sure it was silly and spastic, with things like "your face is great" and "srtrangeorangejuice" interjected in her message, but there was something more...I dunno, maybe it was her big supple brown eyes. Also, she ended all of her messages with "who are you[?]" It annoyed me like hell, but in an adorable way:
"Ye Gods! You did not just ask me "who are you" again. It kills me for some reason.
I AM HE WHO IS CALLED "I AM". Or am I just that nigga to steal on?
Plus the fact that your display name says "[**********]" freaks the shit out of me. I knew too many nefarious types from the Central Valley not to at least give paranoia a TRY. You know what I mean? Still, I'm wise enough now to know that the road down paranoia's hellish landscape leads nowhere you would want your mom to vacation in.
So, instead I'll follow the lead of those supple big brown eyes of yours and I'll trust the internet and hope to hear from you later. Because, to be honest, I get a big kick out of your messages.
Cordially,
Asssex McGee"
"i like that your wise. wise enough not to be a scaredy cat. thats quite comendable, almost as much as your curiosity . i like that. BUT to trust the internet!?! ... that is a virtue King Arthurs most valiant knight would not bother scheming. dont worry, im not evil, just a little silly i guess. Oh ya,
and i like that you said nefarious. thats funny, Who says that? a man of words, thats who.
[*********]: i know its a little ambiguous but im sure its better that "*~~SOmE DuMb @s$ SkAnK LiNe~~*" other girls put up...lol. im not hating, cause that hella my sister. :). ill tell you what it means if you want.. but i think its time for a new slogan i just have to figure one out.
and also, mr. mcgee, just to clarify: are you gay? or, do you just like it like that?
smiles,
s.b. brown eyes"
A few more back and forth's, of increasing outlandishness, and I got brave. After a couple days of not responding to the following message I got a little worried:
"I'm sorry dollface, I've been too exhausted lately from my extra shift at the Hustler Club. Did I forget to mention that? I bartend at a strip club. It's the stupidest job in the world. No customer ever buys anything but beer, and the waitresses do all the work carrying the drinks over. I just sit behind a counter and pop bottle caps. The owner only hired me because he thinks I'm Italian. He's a little screwy. He comes in every odd thursday and yells at all the girls, "Show me your ass!" Then he sits down next to me and points out the girl on stage, telling me how great she is in bed. Or in the back office, rather. "That's the key to a good strip club, you gotta try the girls out for yourself. They gotta be real sex machines, you know what I mean? That's how you know they're right for the job." He tells me some version of this half the time I've ever talked to him. A real pervert, he couldn't love his job more.
I like my job, ok, like I said. And it's not completely true what I said above about the customers only odering beer. One time I did have occasion to put my 3 months of bartending school to use. It was a Friday night a couple months ago. I was three hours into my shift and it was one hour since I last found naked bodies interesting. So I was organizing the beer botles into alphabetical order, when the waitress asks me, "Do you know how to make a mint julep?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Ok, some wierd old guy in a white suit wants one."
Oh, boy, I thought, this was my chance to shine. Better not fuck it up. I took a tall glass and filled it halfway with curshed ice. I drizzled the ice with 1/4 cup of simple syrup and poured in 1/2 cup water. Then the 3 oz of Southern Comfort and after a good stiring I was ready for the final touch: 3 sprigs of mint freshly crushed between the rim of the glass and my stiring rod. Nevermind that the syrup bottle was dusty and had a yellow crust over the spout. Or that the mixture didn't have time to chill properly. In my mind it was a drink fit for kings.
A few dances later, the waitress came over and told me, "The wierd old guy tells me to send his regards to the bartender." I look around and I spot the old man. And I'll be damned if he didn't look exactly like Colonel Sanders. I yelled out, "I love the original recipe, man!" He gave me an acknowlegding look. Did he hear me? Was it really the colonel? Or just some broke-down aging pimp, too stoned to argue with some punk kid like me. I'll never know."
None of this is even remotely true and I thought I crossed some boundary. I'm always doing that.
But, no. As it turns out, she didn't respond because she was waiting for a similar story of her own to put forth. Haha. She was down with the weirdness!
To wrap things up, we met Friday night in San Francisco and after dropping some acid we made love on a park bench in the Presidio. Ok, no, but she was cool and she promised to drive out to see me next week. I'm totally psyched. As far as pussy goes I'm a thirsty man in the desert. But even if nothing comes out of this—if she never messages me or calls me again, I will be happy with my little bit of fun on the Myspace.
User Reviews
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-09-03 21:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How old are you?
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-09-03 20:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Facebook is empty fake-friendly vaneer hiding the true ugly voyeurism that really drives these kind of sites."
I didn't read past that sentence.
Fuck off.
P.S.
It's "veneer"
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-09-03 20:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shite
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-09-03 20:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I FOUNDS YOU!
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-09-03 12:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why do i make enemies so easily on this site. Also Ren, why have you taken out retaliatory -2's on everybody who though this post was shite
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RenTheUnsightly (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wouldn't put my myspace profile unless I unfriended the girl in the story. I wouldn't want her to get any shit from you ass-monkeys. Also...yeah, I'm just reluctant.
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Hey....I'm-a nice guy :P
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lies below
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*coughLAMEcough*
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Some random chick messaged me out of the blue on myspace once. I made out with her but she never answered her phone when I called her back. She had some bigass titties.
Submitted by RenTheUnsightly (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wouldn't put my myspace profile unless I unfriended the girl in the story. I wouldn't want her to get any shit from you ass-monkeys. Also...yeah, I'm just reluctant.
Submitted by big_spliff_smoker (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
didn't read it.
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I watched the deadliest catch a couple of days ago and you know they use cod as bait to catch king crab. I cant even get cod in the local chipper and they are using it to catch bloody crabs. Wankers
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Post your myspace link. If you want. Maybe you don't, this is ubersite afterall
"not a fucking forum" :P
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Haddock!!!!!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Do Not Bother
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So basically get a life
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-03 06:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wrap it up...............around your neck.