Transworld: Diplomacy (758 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Transworld
Rating: 1.7 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TTOM: SciFi for Jesus (View user info) at 2007-09-04 15:29:29 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111355
WARNING: LONG
The giant double doors, inlaid in gold and platinum frescos of battles long since past, swung suddenly inwards.
Soban started at their abrupt opening. He had been waiting in the ante-chamber for what seemed like hours. His only company were the two guards, their armour and high helmets as golden and grim as the doors, who had stood stoical and silent the whole time Soban had sat there. They swivelled with the doors, their great halberds clicking lightly as they turned.
Soban stood, straightened his coat and coughed nervously.
Beyond the doors sat the Prince-Regent of his hosts. First in line to the throne of the great city state and the real power in Arco-Roma.
A small wizened courtier stepped through the doors. He too was clad heavily in gold, offset by the red of his robes and the pale shrivelled flesh of his face and hands. His ears were over-large and his nose too flat, tell tale features of a simian gene-splice somewhere in his genetic history.
He swung one lengthy arm in an inward gesture, watery eyes turning to Soban.
"The Regent bids you enter Lord" said the courtier, his voice as cracked as his visage.
Soban coughed again and strode forward through the doors. This was not the first occasion he had been in this room but it still took his breath away. It stretched for what seemed like forever, ancient paintings adorned the walls set next to tapestries as old as kingdoms. The marbled floor was covered partially by a carpet of gold, red and silver that led up to the steps of the mighty throne that sat at the opposite end of the room.
Guards lined up parallel either side of the carpeting.
On the throne sat a child, a boy on the cusp of manhood. He lounged with one leg draped over the arm of the throne. He held an apple, uneaten, in his right hand.
Around him sat women, to a one clad barely in silks and velvets and to a one they had a heavy ancestry of feline gene-splice, giving them a stretched, taught appearance.
At the foot of the steps a giant of a man stood, arms crossed, glaring down the line of guards. He was heavily armoured but without the high helm of the other guardsmen. He had no halberd but instead a broadsword hung heavily at his side.
Beside the throne stood another figure, though man or woman Soban could not tell, for they were clad in a heavy robe with a hood that covered their face. They were hunched though, as if they carried a great burden of years.
The figure stroked the Prince's arm once and leaned in closer as if to speak to him before leaning back again. If they had indeed spoke or if the Prince had heard he made no outward sign of having done so.
Soban swallowed as he made his was up the line of guards, the tiny courtier a step behind him.. The Prince was capricious, a killer. His father the King was slowly spiralling into madness and lost more and more control of his kingdom as every day passed.
The Holy Catholic Papal Council, spiritual rulers of the Vatican protectorate and puppet government under Arco-Roma's control, had all but capitulated to the Prince's rule.
The general's of the King's army had, almost to a man, sworn allegiance to the boy-regent. Those that had not met with unfortunate accidents.
Eventually, Soban reached the proscribed ten steps from the bottom of the steps. The Prince seemed not yet to notice him. The armoured man, the prince's champion, turned his fearsome gaze on Soban. His hand strayed to the hilt of his sword.
Soban swallowed again. No man who had stood up to the brutal Lord Farro, champion of the Prince-Regent, had survived for more than a few minutes. There were tales of experiments to create the man, multiple gene-splicings, splicing with more than one species, creation of clone after clone after clone to get the right mix of loyalty and brutality. Of course such things were improbable at best but it all added to the reputation of the rock jawed mad-man that stood before him.
The courtier stepped forward and declared.
"My Prince-Regent, master of Arco-Roma, protector of the faith, I present to you Lord Soban, Primacy of the orbit states."
He stepped back
The Prince leant forward and smiled. Soban hated it when the Prince smiled, it usually meant someone was going to be screaming and soon.
"Greetings Primacy" drawled the Prince, gesturing for Soban to approach the throne. "This is the second time in as many months that you have requested audience with me. What may I do for the servile states on this occasion?"
Soban flinched at the word "servile". The smaller city-states and provinces that relied on Arco-Roma and were all but a part of it's domain hated being reminded of their servitude. As Primacy and representative of the state's council he doubly hated it. It reminded him that he was no more than a figure head with no real power other than that of having to risk his own neck to plead in front of this young maniac.
Soban bowed, closing his eyes as he did so, half expecting Farro to take his head as he bent over. It had happened before.
"My Prince" said Soban as he rose once more, head still attached "I am here to request once more that the third army be withdrawn from the southern states. The tales of looting and robbery, not to mention the murders and..."
"Withdraw?" cut in the Prince "But my dear Primacy, the third army are there for your protection! Why, you know the current rhetoric of the King of Sicilia. He wants war and if I withdraw the third army why he will no doubt invade."
"But Lord, the crimes against my people..."
"Are no doubt caused by hooligans and spies sent by Sicilia to cause unrest within the southern provinces. Why, I am almost considering sending a contingency from the fifth army to support the third. Obviously they need help against this pernicious threat"
The prince smiled.
"Lord!" blurted Soban "You cannot! The soldiers already there, with nothing to do, have become..."
"I CANNOT?!" bellowed the Prince, swinging himself into an upright position " I?! The Prince-Regent of Arco-Roma CANNOT?! You forget yourself, Primacy" he spat the word "I can do what I wish with my people, I am as a God to them and you, YOU of all people, will not tell me what I can and cannot do!"
"Yes Prince-Regent" mumbled Soban, hanging his head. "Then I shall relay your...decision to the council"
Soban began to step back but the Prince held up his hands.
"No, I think not Primacy" he said "You see, LaHan here has told me some very interesting information."
The Prince gestured to the robed figure beside him.
"LaHan has some very...interesting skills. Farro found him you know, living on the streets begging for scraps, being beaten and taunted by the locals. He was in a terrible state but I gave him a home when I realised his unique abilities. He has a unique gene-splice you know. I have never seen or even heard of his like"
With that the Prince leant over and flicked the figure LaHan's hood back. Soban recoiled in horror. It was still not clear if LaHan was a man or a woman, so disfigured was it's face. It's mouth was over large and thin lipped, the nose was barely two malformed slits in the centre of the face, framed by two eyes the size of tennis balls, glassy and pus encrusted.
The beasts skin was pallid, grey and hung on the bones. His chin was near non existent and dangling cat-fish like protrusions draped from it. From beneath his robes two clear pipes snaked out, one going under a collection of slits in LaHan's neck, the other going into the it's left nostril.
"What...Mother of God!" choked Soban "What is he...it, joined with?"
"We're not sure" grinned the Prince "We think some kind of deep sea fish. He certainly breathes better with the oxy-water tanks we gave him. But as to why he was created or who create him...well, that is a mystery"
LaHan cocked his head in Soban's direction, seemingly regarding with his cold, dead fish eyes. The tendrils on his chin twitched.
"He can sense things that others cannot, he is really quite, quite observant Primacy. Quite observant" stated the Prince, apparently inspecting his fingernails. Soban broke into a cold sweat. He knew what was coming.
"As such, Primacy, he instantly spotted the mercenaries you brought in with you, the ones with the chameleonic ancestry."
At this, LaHan pointed with his gnarled left hand and Farro barked a command. Three of the guardsmen on the left of the throne span, levelling their halberds. The machine-pistols built into the halberd's staff erupted and chattered. Bullets sprayed and their was a hideous screech as, from nowhere two figures twisted and fell to the floor. A third leapt from the right, blades gleaming, only to be blocked and then cut near in two by a swipe from Farro's sword. Blood splashed and the assailant fell without a sound.
It all happened in seconds.
Soban looked at the bodies, then grimaced as he felt a pain in his lower leg. Glancing down he saw blood leak through his trousers and the tiny, ancient courtier grin a wide yellow-toothed grin and scamper off between two of the guards.
Soban took a faltering step to the left. His vision began to swim.
"You...murdere...r..." spat Soban "You will pay...killer..the people"
Soban collapsed, the poison from his wound overcoming him. He convulsed once then lay still.
"What a mess" exclaimed the Prince "Poor Soban always was too soft hearted. The people?! The people live and die at my word. Fool. Oh well. Farro, find out where he got those mercenaries, I want some"
He grinned and, finally, took a bite from the apple.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-27 15:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed a bunch of good shit while I was "away."
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-09-07 18:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-09-07 18:15:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-05 09:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting to see you write, and you had some gems in there.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-09-05 22:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i was taking the piss, of course.
however, some advice, if you care for it: you may have a lot of ideas, but the composition of hem here is not doing them justice. the physical construction of the piece is, honestly, terrible. stop hitting the enter key until youve done... say... 3 long sentences or 5 short ones, or until it seems to feel right (youll get a feeling for it the more you write). as far as the actual story, there are some word choices you can make that will make it seem a bit snappier and more smooth to read, that say the exact same thing. alliteration is cool, but it can be over used. 'stoical' is a clumsy word, just use 'stoic' and leave it at that, it sounds and looks better.
as far as the characters, id suggest writing the prince guy a little differently. a man who is apparently regarded as a god shouldnt go around reminding insubordinates. he should raise an eyebrow and they should either shut the fuck up, or find themselves in a group of large heavily armed men, heading on whirlwind tour of paintown. real menace is achieved quietly. i would suggest that if you want to portray someone as evil, think of vader. sure hes all dressed in black, and about a subtle as a punch in the face, but he says 'im a baddy' more through his demeanour, his total disdain for everyone and everything around him. which is why he's so fuckin awesome.
however, this is just a prologue, and youve probably got a bunch of development in mind, but that would be my criticims at this point. mostly though, the thing i would say is for you to write more, and work on that structure. if you can be fuckin bothered of course.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-09-05 22:12:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 22:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh fuck off
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hahaha.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-05 09:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
Get someone to proofread for you.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-05 09:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting to see you write, and you had some gems in there.
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-05 09:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
bilateral..
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-09-05 09:20:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-05 03:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the premise, but you could have made the ending a bit more interesting (unless you plan on extending this). The various grammatical errors have been spelled out before, so I won't rehash old shite. All in all, this was pretty good. I'd like to see you write more.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 22:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh fuck off
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-09-04 22:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i remember when i wrote a 1200 word piece and warned everyone it was long.
those were the days.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-04 21:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who are you up against?
I suppose I should show my support but I hope you don't get too upset that I didn't read this.
NOT ENOUGH PICTURES OR ROUNDHEADS.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 21:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good, good, good?
See what I mean, although it might have something to do with the beers Ive been chugging all night.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 20:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Like I said, Im not a writer, my imagination well outstrips any skill I have. This isnt anywhere near as good as it was in my head. If I had a good (read: amazing) editor I might be able to put out something that was quite good.
As is, not so much.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-04 20:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just to clarify, I'm not one of the people that demands short posts. "WTF I'm not reading all that!" always annoys me when I see it, although I don't think I've gotten one of those yet, I think I'll check...
Turns out I have.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-04 20:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't see why people bitch about Uniter so damn much, I've never seen him/her rate someone and not make at least SOME sense.
Alter, shmalter.
Also,
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 13:51:13 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sadly my imagination far outsrips my writing ability and patience so this is probably as good as I can get. I always make stupid mistakes like using one word too much or excessive punctuation. I never really learned how to do proper paragraphs either.
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It seems like it's difficult to be very descriptive in the confines of Über, mostly because people seem to prefer shorter posts.
I thought it was a decent enough post, besides the flaws pointed out by...whoever that was, my rating went from 1 to 0 because I didn't care for the ending.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 20:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm beginning to warm to "him"
Submitted by Empathetic (user info) at 2007-09-04 20:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Uniter.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-04 19:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 19:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What, no 1.5?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-04 19:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-04 19:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE-A TO DANCE!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 19:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Not visible like smallpox"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-09-04 19:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5VNe9NTOxA
HOLY JESUS FUCK! I love 50's Christianity propaganda!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah hell, i have to come back and finish this later. good so far though.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been using the word "gobble" a lot recently
e.g.
"Jake - can I get some help with this?"
"Sure, for a gobble"
*horrified silence*
"what?"
*long thoughty stare*
"no chance of a gobble then?"
"no."
"sorry"
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sadly my imagination far outsrips my writing ability and patience so this is probably as good as I can get. I always make stupid mistakes like using one word too much or excessive punctuation. I never really learned how to do proper paragraphs either.
The second Takeshi Kovacs book is mince, I'd give it a miss if I was you.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't mean to discourage. I'm not TheUniter.
Just a few points that would have made me enjoy it more.
Better than that gash book with the SAS blokes living on a mountain running a ski chalet or whatever
Altered Carbon was ok btw. It's no Philip K Dick, but then, what is?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm no writer, this I have said before.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:43:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
taught - you mean 'taut' here
perhaps a little too heavy with the adjectives
Spliced used a little too much
Too!?! Many!?! Exclamation!?! Marks!?
otherwise - canny - reminiscent of Dune.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:19:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-04 20:35:26 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
y'know what would be cool? An attack dog that shoots bees out of its mouth
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A bee that shoots dogs out of its mouth would be waaaaaaaaay cooler
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-09-04 15:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-09-04 15:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-04 15:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
y'know what would be cool? An attack dog that shoots bees out of its mouth