To Stiff the Office (1026 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.8 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shadow (View user info) at 2007-09-04 16:12:17 EDT
Many offices have clubs or activities for their constituent mindless drones to participate in for that warm fuzzy feeling of camaraderie. In our office we are blessedly free from external "team-building" activities but we do have a Birthday Club. The general idea is that if everyone pitches in two dollars a month, we get a cake for the person or two whose birthday falls in said month, and a card, and a couple of balloons.
Yep, that's right, 48 people give $2 a month and once a year get some crap-tastic balloons and a card from the assholes you can't wait to escape from on Friday. Those same assholes share your cake. Additionally, the monthly meeting in which the blonde haired troll down the hall tells us all how terrible we are doing and reminds us not to use the executive washroom (oh I do) takes place immediately following cake. This displeases me.
At first I threw in my two dollars a month because it is after all, only two measly dollars. I generally declined cake (they usually get yellow sheet cake with buttercream icing, blech) but I was never able to escape the meeting or the stares from 32 overweight middle aged women who could not understand why I wasn't shoving icing in my face. (I shouldn't be so bitter, the ladies here are really nice in their own quirky mom-of-people-my-age sort of way.) So I really felt like I was giving two bucks for the opportunity to get lectured by the angry troll-shrew monster we call "boss." Not to mention that as my birthday falls in December (the red-headed stepchild of months) I haven't had the opportunity to enjoy my own birthday, and the option of choosing the cake. Long story short, I stopped giving them money.
It seemed such a simple thing; "just say no" as the saying goes. Last month when the resident do-gooder of the office came around, I told her I had no money for her. She said "that's ok, I'll come back on Friday" to which I replied that there was no need as I was not going to participate in the Birthday Club any longer. She looked confused, hurt even, but she walked away nonetheless without saying a word. A few days later, the emails started.
I was little more than annoyed at first, the do-gooder wanted to give me another opportunity to pay my two-dollar dues and wrote that I could bring the money to her desk on Friday. I gave a short professional reply that I was no longer in the Birthday Club and left it at that. The next email was from her supervisor asking why I refused to give the money. Again I gave another short reply. The supervisor, a dyed red head manic-depressive cocktail of pharmaceuticals in her drawer kinda gal, wrote back that as everyone enjoys the cake presented once a month, everyone should pay the dues. I responded by saying that I do not, in fact, enjoy the cake and would not take a piece without paying. This really should have been the end, but the shrew-troll-Death Eater-monster blonde boss lady took it upon herself to get involved.
Now I have a half dozen emails from various supervisors around the office (what does it say when out of 48 people, 12 are supervisors?) asking me why I'm not a team player, what is it that I have against their cake and birthday fun, why am I not playing along... etc., my stock answer has been copied and pasted for as many emails as I have received, and sent back out in turn. Two weeks later, I am called into the boss lady's office to talk about the "incident" where I refused to give over the cash.
"Shadow?" Her shrill voice flays my eardrum like a rare ahi tuna. "I understand you do not wish to participate in our little club, hmmm?" She stares at me over too-thick bifocal glasses, her watery blue eyes caked with crumbling mascara and powdered eye shadow.
"Yes, that is correct." Sun Tzu tells us to never offer information if we do not need to. I'll keep my answers brief.
"And why is that?" Her eyebrows raise like two angry caterpillars rearing for an attack.
"I have no desire to eat cake." I really don't know what to say here, "I think your club is ghey" "I'd rather spend my money on smokes" "I don't want to wind up forty-five and over 200lbs" meh, take your pick.
"Well you know the cake is for everyone." She looks at me expectantly, her shriveled lips pursed.
"Everyone who pays?" I ask. She sighs.
"Denise didn't pay last month either. Melissa asked for her money back, they both say they don't want to participate any longer." She stares at me as her voice squeaks out the words, shaking her head a little with each syllable. Expectantly, she waits for my response.
"And?" She huffs and shakes her head angrily, clearly my childish mind is incapable of grasping the bigger picture.
"Shadow" oh GOD but her speech is painful! "Shadow, the purpose of this club is to do something nice for everyone in the office, do you see?" I nod. "In order to do that, everyone needs to pay their dues, do you see?" I nod. "So when you said you didn't want to pay, and some of the others followed suit, what did that do to the club?" I shrug. "It hurt the club, and it hurt everyone who participates." I give her my very finest dumb look. "I'm going to need you to pay your dues, and the others too." She sits back in her chair, eyebrows still raised and at the ready, lips still pursed into a tight little facial anus.
"Are you saying that participation is compulsory?"
"No of course not," she shakes her head, "the company doesn't sponsor it."
"So then I don't have to pay?" I'm waiting for the pendulum of logic to swing back and smack me in the face, but what else can I do? She stares at me, rising from her seat, her yellowing jagged teeth grinding inside her terrible mouth.
"It's a nice thing we do here in the office." There is a gravity in her voice that sucks at my very soul. I know what the solution is, I must let her win and pay the two dollars, I must suck up my pride and not piss her off any further. I must acquiesce to this most basic and idiotic of challenges and let the boss monster win.
"Well if it's not required then I don't want to participate." Damn. That is not what I was supposed to say. "If that's all then I'll be on my way." I turn to leave, she does not stop me.
The meeting passes by and Denise forks over her cash. Melissa relents and gives up on getting hers back. I am the last stubborn hold out, the only one not eating cake, the only one who didn't sign the birthday card. I am the asshole, and I'm ok with it...
New email, it's time for my review.
The review is in less than a week. I'm ready, my paperwork is squared, the money is accounted for, everything is in order... except for that incident last week during the meeting when I, unencumbered by cake, told the shrew-troll-Death Eater-born of He who is called Dragon-monster boss lady that two of our reports were faulty, and that the cover sheet was a waster of time (so instead of cake I ate shoe leather), aside from that I should be good.
But then, the do-gooder came to my little cube.
"Shadow? Do you have your Birthday money?" She asks brightly. Crap.
"Uh, I don't have any money for you." I stutter the reply, staring at my work, trying not to make eye contact.
"That's ok," she chirps, "I'll come by on Friday."
I know what must be done. I know I need to fork over that two dollars on Friday. I know that even though my participation in the lame-ass Birthday Club should have no bearing on my review, it will. I have to give this one up, make a tactical retreat.
Man I feel whipped.
User Reviews
Submitted by UTOCKIN2ME (user info) at 2007-09-06 02:28:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't back down.I don't participate in any of that crap at work either.
It's actually non-productive. Give the youngsters pizza and coke and
the next thing you know they're all fuckin in the parking garage.
+1 for not eating the cake
+1 for crapping it back in the Exec washroom-hope ya stunk it up real!
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-09-06 01:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
quit your job and go do something more.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
don't pay./
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:30:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never have, and never will, give in to this sort of thing.
I document all my work just in case the boss gives me a bad review for not participating, so I can butt-fuck him.
I hate the system.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-09-05 11:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-05 11:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep on keeping on.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-09-05 11:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-09-05 11:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This sounds like something that would happen at my office. Also, your book sounds like something I would read.
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-05 10:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
forceps..
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-05 10:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-09-05 10:13:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, office times...le sigh....
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 10:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck your co-workers. Don't give in.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-05 09:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zampano (user info </u/Zampano>) at 2007-09-04 17:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By all means, don't give in.
And you're publishing a book? Fiction? Memoir? Essays?
_________________________
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info </u/maiorano84>) at 2007-09-04 17:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where in the blue fuck have YOU been?
Remember Twister at Jared's?
Good times.
_____________________
1) The book falls into the genre of "contemporary fantasy" i.e. magic and science fiction set in the present day world. It's slated to be 28 chapters (of which 7 are written and revised) and there will be illustrations on the chapter breaks. I wish I could give you more specific details, but the copyright is still in the air... should be getting an ISBN soon though. Here's what I can say: the story starts in Baltimore and through a series of twists and turns takes the hero to the other side of the planet to stop a catastrophe. It's fun, it's political, it's satirical and sarcastic, filled with magic and danger. WEEE!
2) where've I been? Writing the book!
I do remember twister at Jared's place; the competition was less to see "who is the most flexible" and more to see "which guy will get grossed out first by the other guy's package"
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-09-05 08:34:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't worked on my birthday for the last 11 years. It's awesome.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-09-05 07:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pookiesmaster (user info) at 2007-09-04 18:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so the company gets a total of $96 a month from its employees but only has to shell out enough for balloons and a card and some $25 cake? Who gets the extra?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's what I was wondering. Definitely follow ForensicGirl's advice. These people need to be fucked with the big corporate weenie to curb this kind of behavior. It's all they understand and they won't stop fucking with you until it happens.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-09-05 03:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-09-04 22:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-09-04 21:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd rather sniff an orifice.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 20:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-09-05 00:41:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
12 out of 48 are supervisors, do you work in jail?
------------
She said supervisors, not screws
Submitted by Empathetic (user info) at 2007-09-04 20:00:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Uniter.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-09-04 19:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know how you feel, and I like the way you described it.
I hate your problem but love the post.
12 out of 48 are supervisors, do you work in jail?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-04 19:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-09-04 19:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5VNe9NTOxA
HOLY JESUS FUCK! I love 50's Christianity propaganda!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-09-04 18:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I kept waiting for a punchline that never arrived.
To say that I was bitterly disappointed would be an understatement.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-09-04 18:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I CANT GET THE FUCKING SAFETY DANCE OUT OF MY HEAD!
I say, we can dance, we can dance
Everything out of control
We can dance, we can dance
We're doing it from wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance
Everybodys taking the chance
--
I only got that out of my head last week! Now my only hope is for Lovely Rita Meter Maid to take its place...
Submitted by pookiesmaster (user info) at 2007-09-04 18:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so the company gets a total of $96 a month from its employees but only has to shell out enough for balloons and a card and some $25 cake? Who gets the extra?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-09-04 17:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS is why I love scourge!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-04 13:38:43 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we get the executive directors parking spot from the date of our birthday until the time of the next employee birthday. this was in response to these people jockeying for this spot like it guaranteed an orgasm if you parked there or something. there are a bunch of spaces like, 10 feet away. wtf? do your feet not work?
anyway, the person whose birthday is before mine is the DAY before. the one after mine is like 4 months down the road.
when they institiuted that little 'perk' i said i thought it was fucking stupid and that i wouldn't participate. i tried to auction off my four months, but didn't get my minimum bid of $100.
now i just refuse to park there, but as soon as someone else DARES to use MY spot i send an office-wide email explaining the parking system and demanding that they move their car immediately. one day i brought a lawn chair with a built in umbrella to work and just sat it in the spot. i ate my lunch there while my fellow employees glared at me. it was nice and sunny out.
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-09-04 17:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my work had a lady like that, and it made me so mad that she's act that way. I stopped giving money and participating about 10 months ago, and they haven't done anything since.
I guess they were so distraught that I'd rather spend 10 bucks on a whole pizza than a measly slice....
Submitted by shmack92 (user info) at 2007-09-04 17:49:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for the sake of all sensible people everywhere, don't give in!
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-04 17:40:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No! Don't give in.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-09-04 17:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This same thing has happened to me. Go over your boss' head to her boss.
Tell them you're a brittle diabetic and cannot eat cake and you are being harrassed to contribute money to an activity that you cannot participate in for health reasons.
Once her boss hears that, he/she will probably tear her a new asshole for harrassing a diabetic.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-09-04 17:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where in the blue fuck have YOU been?
Remember Twister at Jared's?
Good times.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-09-04 17:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Either the company should pay for bullshit like that or it shouldn't go on at all.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2007-09-04 17:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Facial Anus.
heh
Look for another job using company resources.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-04 17:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-09-04 17:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By all means, don't give in.
And you're publishing a book? Fiction? Memoir? Essays?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Safety Dance isn't a song, it's a fucking disease!
*Dances with midget harlequin*
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always take two days off for my birthday.....hows that for a useless piece of trivia.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great. However, NOW I CAN"T GET THE FUCKING SAFETY DANCE OUT OF *MY* HEAD. Fuck you TTOM.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Her eyebrows raise like two angry caterpillars rearing for an attack.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I CANT GET THE FUCKING SAFETY DANCE OUT OF MY HEAD!
I say, we can dance, we can dance
Everything out of control
We can dance, we can dance
We're doing it from wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance
Everybodys taking the chance
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we get the executive directors parking spot from the date of our birthday until the time of the next employee birthday. this was in response to these people jockeying for this spot like it guaranteed an orgasm if you parked there or something. there are a bunch of spaces like, 10 feet away. wtf? do your feet not work?
anyway, the person whose birthday is before mine is the DAY before. the one after mine is like 4 months down the road.
when they institiuted that little 'perk' i said i thought it was fucking stupid and that i wouldn't participate. i tried to auction off my four months, but didn't get my minimum bid of $100.
now i just refuse to park there, but as soon as someone else DARES to use MY spot i send an office-wide email explaining the parking system and demanding that they move their car immediately. one day i brought a lawn chair with a built in umbrella to work and just sat it in the spot. i ate my lunch there while my fellow employees glared at me. it was nice and sunny out.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know how you feel, and I like the way you described it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. At MY office, on or about the day of a birthday, the newly aged is expected to purchase and bring in a treat, enough to share with the entier team (or more).
I found an easy solution though - don't let them broadcast your birthday. It's a violation of personal privacy anyways, and if no one knows about your birthday, then no one expects anything from you. Everybody wins!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SO WRONG.
don't give in. If it impacts your review, take to a higher-up and label it harrassement.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:25:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
o i am escaping, it's all planned out...
new job, new apartment, all in October. Sweet.
And I'm publishing a book in nine months. OH FUCKING JOY!!!!!!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JUST RUN!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA, they're stealing your soul like they stole mine!
quick..run away.
dye your hair purple again. go to punk shows and smoke cigarettes and say the word fuck all the time put holes in your body where they don't belong or you'll become one of them! it's too late for me, but you can still escape!
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Never ever do anything for office morale. Fuck the club.
actually, fuck them WITH the club. Offer to get the cake one time and make sure everyone gets a healthy dose of ex-lax in the chocolate frosting.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-04 16:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Usage of the phrase "team player" should be punishable by the death penalty