Rat Race (1752 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 63 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-09-05 12:57:35 EDT
I laughed my ass off when my niece talked her mother, my sister, into buying her a rat for her birthday. She wanted a "pocket pet" to cuddle and hold and love and while the Pixel Chick and the Sea Monkeys I bought her were appreciated, they weren't furry and didn't carry enough diseases. Also, according to the internet, rats are affectionate, clever, playful pets that are really very clean. She named her rat Honey.
Honey was lonely and so they bought her a friend, Sweetie. Sweetie was in the female section at the pet store but, predictably, shouldn't have been.
The babies were cute and hairless and kind of like maggots with legs. Sweetie was neutered but in an ironic twist of fate, Honey died that same day, and now you're all caught up with the secret life of rats.
When I bought half the babies home because, as I explained to the Dutchman, "I can't just let them die! Look at how sweet they are... they're just little itty bitty babies..." I expected to raise them, have them adore me, and then give them to good homes as hand-reared, affectionate pets.
Do you know how easy it is to kill a baby rat? They die when they're too cold, too hot, when the formula is too weak, when it's too hot, too strong, when there's a loud sound and when you sit on them. I was waking up every two hours to reheat their what bag so they wouldn't freeze (this was before I figured out I could sit the box on top of my modem and get the same effect with slightly more sleep, because I still had to feed the ungrateful dying little wretches with an eyedropper every three hours as if I don't have enough to do already and, honestly, they're nothing but rodents and I could sell them as feeder rats and make a profit and for fucks sake why is that one not moving and... oh.. kinda cold... well, shit, isn't that a pitiful sight, it doesn't even bend anymore, rigor mortis is a cruel mistress, ok, that's another one down.)
The first three didn't bother me too much. I felt bad for failing, but I wasn't pathetic enough to get choked up over it. The next one was a bit of a surprise, because he was really active and strong... a little sad. Number four died while I was trying to feed him and I was slightly saddened by the feel of his tiny body in my palm, trembling and then falling still, mouth slightly open, milk still beading on his little ratty whiskers.
I sniffled a bit over five, and six held on for so long I was feeling pretty confident. You bond with a creature when you're cuddling it at 4am, tickling its little pink tummy and wiping its penis with a damp cotton ball to make it piss. (Watch out for my Secrets to a Happy Marriage book, coming out this December. Penis wiping is mentioned in the prologue, chapters 1 through 15, and in the after word. The title is actually misleading. It's really just the one secret.)
The Dutchman was so impressed by my dedication to this tiny animal and by the attentive penis wiping I continued to bestow upon him in my free time that he told me and the kids we could keep it if it lived.
It died during the night. I cried like a bitch, the Boy sniffed twice and then held his head up high like the little man he is, and the Dutchman was so fed up with my wailing "I tried so hard and he's dead and I loved him and I'm just...so....saaaaaad" that he said I could go buy one.
The next morning before school, the twins were chirping at me about the baby ratty and if he was happy today because it's a beautiful day and are his eyes open yet and can we see him and we're gonna tell about him in news and their sensible, nurturing-but-still-honest, sharing-their-lives-while-not-shielding-them-from-the-harsh-realities-of-the-world mother explained that the rat was too small to survive, that he died peacefully, that he wasn't in heaven because God is a fallacy and you're too clever for fairytales, honey, now chin up and go to school and would you like to help mummy with an autopsy later.
I, on the other hand, told them that not only were his eyes open, but he'd grown so much overnight that he was still sleeping and they could see him after school.
Their names are Jersey and Friesian and they're affectionately snuggling into my neck and playfully giving me diseases.
("I fucking hate my life", Episode 156.)
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-03-10 19:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I prefer cats.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-12-20 17:28:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-12-20 22:07:17 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not my real mummy but I wish you were.
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and me. then I might get the doll stabbed with scissors for xmas that i've always wanted.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-12-20 17:07:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not my real mummy but I wish you were.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-27 17:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was reading back and this made me laugh. http://www.ubersite.com/m/98622#2396035
Come back to us.
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-09-17 10:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-09-15 10:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I internet heart you.
You're the t-virus of love.
Please be my friend. I'm so very unhappy.
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I will be your friend! I'm not very good at making people happy though.
Submitted by Charlilot (user info) at 2007-09-09 19:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2007-09-07 10:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey!
I had a pet rat. Well, we ended up with a few. They all died eventually, but they're awesome pets.
Also, I have a car! I could come visit you again now!
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-07 05:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff...
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-09-06 17:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Liked the picture, though.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-09-06 17:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok. It was boring. And it didn't flow well. Take that with the caveat that I appear to be the only one who didn't like it.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-09-06 11:40:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-09-06 11:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should post more often.
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I concur.
So should you Mr. M.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-09-06 09:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure the rat penis-wiping wasn't strictly necessary from a medical standpoint. But hey, at least he went out with a happy ending.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-09-06 09:24:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-09-06 04:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-09-06 04:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a pet rat. I did have two but one died last week :-(
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-09-05 23:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-09-05 23:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you let them die, murderer.
personally, im surprised the kids made it this far, what with having elizabeth bathory for a mother.
that poor ignorant dutchman's days are surely numbered. though, fortunately, he's dutch.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2007-09-05 23:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at, "Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com>."
<swoon>
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-09-05 22:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a mouse.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 20:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pssssst...Circe showed me her hole. Pass it on.
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-09-05 19:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://myspace.com/139173012
I finds you.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-09-05 19:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're that Dutchman gall, great to read you again.
Incidentally I was heard this in my car last week:
You're working at your leisure to learn the things you'll need
The promises you make tomorrow carry no guarantee
I've seen your qualifications, you got a Ph.D.
I've got one art O-level, it did nothing for me
Working for the rat race
You know you're wasting your time
Working for the rat race
You're no friend of mine
Welterusten.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:48:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and their sensible, nurturing-but-still-honest, sharing-their-lives-while-not-shielding-them-from-the-harsh-realities-of-the-world mother explained that the rat was too small to survive, that he died peacefully, that he wasn't in heaven because God is a fallacy and you're too clever for fairytales, honey, now chin up and go to school and would you like to help mummy with an autopsy later.
--
you had me going there
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:25:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to hate rats, until last summer when I did a stint with an internship that placed me as a cook in a Parisian restaurant. I'm not much of a chef, and almost had my ass fired numerous times, but I happened to stumble across this rat that not only knew how to cook well, but was willing to help me develop my abilities. Hilarious antics ensued, but the owner gassed the place one weekend, and that was the end of the rat problem.
I'm almost certain somebody made a movie like this.
'Willard', or something...
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:02:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You won't care. But I found Ubersite a few years ago, read a few of your posts and signed up.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rodentiae
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I've had many a mental image of you my dear, however the image of you wiping a rat's penis will live on forever.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:11:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should post more often.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have the exact same effect on women.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a rat. She was lonely, so I bought her a friend. They, not quite so predictably, were actually both female. The big one still tried to rape the little one, though. I'd be trying to sleep, and I'd hear the rustling and the squeaking and the banging of their bedbox against the wire of their cage. I gave them away. They weren't allowed to live in my bedroom anymore.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-05 14:40:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 14:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PS. http://www.ubersite.com/m/111469
This post is all about rats. And stuff.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-05 14:34:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
really? Rats are people? Since when? So why arent there any in government, I demand an explanation.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 14:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rats are people too.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-05 14:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's it like being a superstar?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-09-05 14:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-09-05 14:20:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A fine read. Well done.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-05 14:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The rat owners I've known are all really, REALLY fond of rats.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-09-05 14:10:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i miss my pet rat. one of my ferrets died yesterday :(
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:49:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lynnie, whatcha need to do is ignore them. I had a pair of mice (Kibbles and Bits) and I wouldn't feed them for days and pretty much ignored them the rest of the time. Bits lasted 3 years and Kibbles was almost 4 when she died.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I crushed a hamster once behind the fridge trying to get it to come out, poor little sucker.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Back at the home depot a wee birdy fell from his nest (dozens fell all over the place, little naked chicken bites). The girlie from the gardening department scooped up the little survivor and placed him in a box... for me.
I don't know anything about nuturing and such, so i took the little one (whom I named Shortstack) to the pet store to get some advise. They shrugged at me, said "he'll probably survive since he <I don't know if it was a he or she> has feathers. Grind up some of these translucent wormies between your fingers and feed him."
Oh boy that was a challange, but he was living!!! I stowed him in a safe place below his former nest so mama bird wouldn't stalk me home and peck my eyes out (she was watching me CONSTANTLY) and fed him whenever I could get away from customers. (Picture me saying "I'd love to help you with your purchase, but I need to go feed my baby" then running off to the lumber department.)
Long story short, he died. I was sad. I can't have pets because if I get that attached to a little squishy after only a few days, I'd practically cry blood tears if my dog of seventeen years died.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer Goes To College
And Monty, rodents only die easily when you don't want them to. Trap yourself an NYC sewer rat, subject it to every torture ever concieved, and see if that fucker so much as loses his appetite.
Missed you Lynnie.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more penis wiping.
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How can you not +2 a Circe post? They're like Haley's comet these days... only I don't think it's been 76 years since the last one...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wooo hoo!! I almost just accidently killed my kid's guinea pigs.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lisa: I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.
Clerk: OK. Uh, this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D. McGregor.
Lisa: How can a hamster write mysteries?
Clerk: Well, he gets the ending first, then he writes backward.
Lisa: Aw, C'mon.
Clerk: Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him, all right?
Duffless
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because it's Circe, and because rodents are nice and friendly.. and die so easy.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus what a terrible story. Terrible subject not terrible....oh well, you know.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like you better than most of these other assholes.
THAT IS A COMPLIMENT.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had this issue with nearly every pet that came into our house when I was younger, we went through a string of birds (one developed blood red eyes and had to be pried off his perch inside the cage), my fathers's bunny hutch that he built with a space heater under it seemed to be unable to facilitate life for the 3 bunnies that died in it's plywood confines, hamsters were set free, hell when we first moved to the US we lived in a Superintendant apartment in NYC, anyone familiar with this set up its an apartment located near the mechanical rooms of an apartment building. This leaves room for many a animal and child related accident. We tragically lost one kitten to a paint incident and another somehow slashed his own neck against some machinery (that one was particularly hard bc my Mum made my father put the kitten out of it's misery and I actually remember my father getting really upset at having to do it and calling my Mum a callous bitch). Suffice to say I love animals they just don't love me so much.
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
suture..
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*