My Mantra (429 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.15 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stephie<mourninglory.at.lycos.com> (View user info) at 2007-09-05 15:32:50 EDT
Today, I am beginning a new life. I am putting all the pain, anger, loss and sadness that I've experienced in the past fourteen years to bed. I am addressing the people who have hurt me in my past, and then ending this cycle that I am in, and taking control of my life.
To Pat and Jay, I am no longer going to allow you to control me. For more than fourteen years, I have given you control in every aspect of my life, who and how to love, trust, and allow near me, physically and emotionally. You have impacted my relationships with friends and family, and pushed away potential platonic and romantic relationships that I could have had with many people.
I have been looking over my shoulder since I was eleven, waiting for you or someone else to hurt me. I have not felt safe in my own surroundings, but I will not allow you to take that from me anymore. From now on, I will walk around and be in crowds of people without looking for you, and I will no longer feel threatened by people who come close to me.
I will no longer allow you to affect my relationships, with family or with friends. I am not going to wonder if people are going to hurt me, physically or emotionally, any longer. I am not going distrust everybody who comes into my life anymore. I am not going to hinder myself from feeling anything toward people, and instead will accept the love and affection that they give me. I am not going to remain a robot, nor am I going to honour you by living in fear. I deserve more than that, and you do not deserve that kind of devotion.
You will no longer define me as who I am. I am no longer going to see myself as someone you destroyed. Instead, I am going to live my life as Stephanie Gatas, a survivor, a friend, a good person, and someone who will continue to live her life, well, not just live her life, but thrive, in spite of what you did.
You do not own me. No matter what you did to me, I am not "yours". I am not going to allow these scars you've left on my body to brand me. I am not your property. I never was. I am not going to continue living as if I was. This is my body, not yours, and I am going to start honouring it and owning it as mine, instead of the remains that you left me with.
I am not going to live through anger. Don't get me wrong, I am angry with you. You took a lot from me, but I am no longer going to allow you to hold me captive and not enjoy the many other aspects of my life that I have sacrificed in order to constantly be angry with you.
I will not devote my days to you any longer. I am not going to think about you all day, think about what you did to me, and wonder what you are doing with your lives. This is taking away from my own life, and I am not living through you or for you. I am living for myself.
Furthermore, I will no longer allow you to hold the "why" question over my head. I don't know why you did what you did, and I know I will never get that answer from you. I don't think I ever want to actually be able to understand what was going through your head. I do know that you are sick human beings, that you are weak, and that you are terrible people, and nothing you will ever do will right what you have done to me. But I am going to stop looking for the answer, as it is damaging me, yet you remain unscathed by my efforts.
To my parents, I am no longer going to remain bitter toward you. You let me down when I was younger, and you will continue to let me down, but I am not going to let it affect me or my relationship with you any longer. I understand that you are human, and maybe I should have been more forthcoming with what was going on, instead of expecting you to know what was going on.
The way you responded to me did hurt me a lot. It took a lot from me and forced me to not only raise myself, but also deal with the aftermath by myself, which was very difficult to do at the age of eleven, not to mention at the age 25. And the emotional effects it had on me were very difficult for me, and I find myself at times not knowing if I can trust you or ensure a supportive response. But I will accept that you aren't perfect, and you had your own drinking/relationship/personal issues, and I forgive you. I forgive you, which is so hard for me to say, but I don't want to continue living embittered toward you.
To the rest of my family, I forgive you as well, as I know that you were only responding my parents' information, and you weren't really in the best position to react any other way.
Finally, to myself, I am giving myself permission to heal. I am giving myself permission to feel good about myself and my body, to own my body, and to start taking care of myself, as opposed to neglecting myself anymore. I am going to love myself for surviving what I went through, instead of damning myself for what I did wrong. I will also allow myself to love and trust other people, and accept their love, instead of backing away from them and trying to push them away from me.
I will forgive myself for the things I did wrong (or maybe just didn't do right). I will accept that I, in fact, was just a child, and through no fault of my own ended up in a very difficult situation that I was unable to control. I will acknowledge that I was a very strong and brave person to survive what I endured, and that I was resilient in the coming years, as I didn't let it completely ruin me.
I am also saying goodbye to the childhood I wish I'd had but never did, the innocence that I lost, and the virginity that was stolen from me. I am saying goodbye to the moments I wish I'd had but didn't, and the experience of actually growing up and developing into a person, instead of living as if I were eleven years old for all these years.
But most importantly, I am saying goodbye to the bad patterns that I inhabit, drinking, eating, being constantly angry, cutting, and other emotionally and physically harmful habits I fall back into. Moving forward, I will spend more time transforming myself into a happier, better person that people will enjoy being around, instead of the scathing, bitter, spiteful person I have been. I will make my body healthier, my mind healthier, and my relationships healthier.
So here ends fourteen years of hurt, pain, sorrow, loss, and self-abuse. I acknowledge that it has made me the person I am today, and helped me survive when it was necessary to, but I am putting those negative emotions and reactions to rest and not looking back, while I move on toward better, more positive experiences. Because ultimately, living for me is the most important thing of all.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I think I can help you in this life or death situation if you'd just show me your hole.
__________________
Shlongy,
You might want to reconsider that request.
http://www.myspace.com/schlomoo (view more pics if you dare)
I RETRACT THAT LAST STATEMENT, PLEASE, DEAR LORD.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I think I can help you in this life or death situation if you'd just show me your hole.
__________________
Shlongy,
You might want to reconsider that request.
http://www.myspace.com/schlomoo (view more pics if you dare)
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ok now you get sympathy cuz the response to that is gonna suck...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apollo below
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Show me your SOUL.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I think I can help you in this life or death situation if you'd just show me your hole.
__________________
Shlongy,
You might want to reconsider that request.
http://www.myspace.com/schlomoo (view more pics if you dare)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most importantly, I give you permission to say goodbye to Ubersite.
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:20:10 PDT (#)
Ranking: -1
How many times have you told yourself so far that you're going to get closure, you're going to leave this in the past?
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Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-09-05 13:18:31 PDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.
Prove you're actually making a change. Saying shit changes NOTHING. You're going to fall right back into the same patterns of behavior and wonder why shit hasn't gotten better, while still saying this "mantra" over and over.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Good question, GodChicken.
I've actually never said this before. I never said it because I never wanted to nullify the importance of the statement, "I'm going to put this behind me." I knew it was a significant statement, and I refused to make myself a 12-stepper who keeps failing and saying, "No, REALLY, you guyseses, thisth time I'm REALLY gonna do iiiit."
But I'm at the point now, why the fuck don't I just let it go? So, I am.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I think I can help you in this life or death situation if you'd just show me your hole.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
How many times have you told yourself so far that you're going to get closure, you're going to leave this in the past?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.
Prove you're actually making a change. Saying shit changes NOTHING. You're going to fall right back into the same patterns of behavior and wonder why shit hasn't gotten better, while still saying this "mantra" over and over.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So the abused sticks with the abuser because they feel the person's behavior is more honest.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My interpersonal relationships professor always says you have to be confident and love yourself before you can get rid of abusive people.
Insecure people get in relationships with abusive people because they expect bad treatment from others and can't imagine someone loving them and treating them well. The nice partner can't deal with the abused being so suspicious of innocent behavior and of their honest affection.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*pats on the back* good for you, you're taking healthy steps.
and P.S. I am a retard, and a sadist, and I approve of this message.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-05 20:59:13 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
If telling this to a bunch of childish retards on a site largely devoid of compassion, rather short on empathy and typically struggles with 'appropriate' then I say : Good on ya.
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I have loads of compassion, I just check it at the door when I log in along with my empathy, conscience and firearms.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait a minute, is Rob calling me a retard?
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I'm definitely a retard, I don't know about you.
How else does one explain consistently logging into this wonderfully foul e-hovel?
***
You've got a point there, Rob. Someone should do personality testing across this site and tell us what our common traits are, besides sadism.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
didn't read it.
slut.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait a minute, is Rob calling me a retard?
---
I'm definitely a retard, I don't know about you.
How else does one explain consistently logging into this wonderfully foul e-hovel?
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
keep your head up.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait a minute, is Rob calling me a retard?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If telling this to a bunch of childish retards on a site largely devoid of compassion, rather short on empathy and typically struggles with 'appropriate' then I say : Good on ya.
I do the same thing.
Be well.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
oh yay... female perkman.
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
endoscopy..
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh my god
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To be fair I thought mantra's were shorter, so as to be used in a repition. You know, to reinforce and Idea in your subconcious.
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
THIS made me laugh...
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-09-05 12:44:53 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I do not approve of your Tony Robbins handbook lecture.
____________________________________________________________________
Reminds me of that Family Guy episode where Tony Robbins eats Peter.
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I do not approve of your Tony Robbins handbook lecture.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's on.
It's on; It's on.
And I'm home.
Get the Patron.
And tell'em that it's on.
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stewart Smalley would be proud:
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggone it, people like me."
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:38:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work saying. That was the easy part. Now go and do it. It's hard. You'll feel like shit. It's well known that it's easiest to return to what we know, even if we don't like it. You're planning to change you're whole world and you won't like that either. But i think It will be cool.
Good luck and all that jazz
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
get raped, slut.