Anterograde Amnesia; The (long) Tale of a Drunken Ass (with camwhore) (767 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.16 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Haiku Mikoo (View user info) at 2007-09-05 16:47:37 EDT
This story is the continuation of this one, http://www.ubersite.com/m/110295
There will be one more part (the morning after).
That isn't a picture of me, it's a friend of mine. Writing about this reminded me of another night of drinking that took place in my old Garage.
=================================================================================================
We were about halfway to the Lemon House when I decided driving drunk is way easier during the day than it is at night. I was too busy concentrating on not killing us, so Jim was handling the CD player. He kept playing Brian Eno's ambient works, which I usually like fine enough, but it's not exactly good driving music. Normally I try to avoid plaguing a good friend's ears with my shitty voice, but I was drunk, and I wanted to sing.
"Damn it Jim, play something I can sing along with!"
Much to my surprise, the music Nazi didn't argue with me. I glanced over while he was popping in the replacement CD and saw that it was more Brian Eno. I was about to profess my hatred for Jim when I was reminded by my car stereo that Mr. Eno has a Glam Rock album.
"Ohhh, Woahohohwoahohoh! Da, da, da, da, da, da, daaa, I'll be there!"
Driving Me Backwards, I liked that song.
We finally made it to Second and Lemon by the time we had finished butchering what we recently decided was a "classic", and we were still alive...which was nice. I found a parking spot a few houses over, making for a much desired short walk to the Lemon House.
I immediately regretted leaving the safety of my garage when I saw how many people had already showed up. I always seemed to forget how much I hate large groups of people until I'm surrounded by them. Everywhere I looked there were assholes with handkerchiefs in their back pockets, and I could hear some shitty local band playing from inside the house. I hadn't realized this was going to be another Lemon House show...that explained why it had started so early. It was only about four o'clock, yet I found myself thinking the same thing I always think when I go to a Lemon House show.
I need to be way more drunk If I'm going to be able to deal with this
Before I could explain my plan to find more booze to Jim, he had been whisked away by some random stoners. That always happened to Jim, maybe it was the dreadlocks, or maybe it was because he's brown. At any rate, I didn't follow him. If I smoked any weed now, I would pass out by seven. I couldn't be drunk and obnoxious if I was sleeping...
I stood awkwardly by myself in the front lawn for a minute or two before I caught sight of George and Michelle on the porch. I hoped they were willing to share the booze they probably had with them and walked over. I yelled out to Michelle before she had noticed I was coming.
"Michelle! I need to be way more drunk if I'm going to be able to deal with these assholes!"
I made sure to give said assholes the 'ol stink eye so they knew who they were, and realized no one was taking notice to my drunken resentment. I decided that was going to have to change by the end of the night.
"We have a twelve pack of Newcastle right here, and there's some vodka in the car, but we'll start drinking that later."
With that Michelle handed me the first of seven Newcastles I would consume over the next half hour, most of which I had to sneak so as to avoid my Sister's incessant bitching. It wasn't too hard, as George and Michelle were usually too busy talking about themselves to notice. Also, the booze was at my feet, so I was given the role of handing out liquor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was making my way back to the porch from one of many secret booze consumption trips in the bathroom when I ran into Adam, the host of the Lemon House parties.
"Hey Michael, glad you could make it, how long have you been here?"
He reached in to give me a hug, and I almost fell for his dirty trick, but remembered I hadn't even been invited to this shit-hole to begin with...making him a huge prick.
"Don't act like you're glad to see me, you fucking asshole! You would have to actually invite me to be able to say something like that."
"What are you talking about? I told you about this like two weeks ago, remember?"
It's well known that I have a shitty memory, so I figured he might be telling the truth. Either that, or he was fucking with me. He must have noticed from my confused look that I still wasn't convinced.
"You know, the Phoenix and the Turtle show? Your favorite local band?"
"Oh yeah! I fucking love those guys!"
I embraced the poor man, feeling guilty for rejecting his hostly hug. and continued on my trek to the porch for more booze, trying very hard not to stumble. If George or Michelle realized how drunk I was, they might pay more attention to how much booze they had left. I hadn't really been paying attention to how many bottles I had taken out, but I figured there was no way there were more than three left.
When I finally made my way past all the indie fuckers in the front yard, I saw George reaching for the Newcastle.
"Michelle, we only have one left...who the fuck drank all the beer?"
Michelle had a whiskey and coke someone apparently had given her, and didn't seem to care very much. However, George seemed pretty pissed off, so I decided lying was in order.
"Holy shit, we only have one left? That fucking sucks man, I'm not even drunk ye-"
I was interrupted by my own uncontrollable laughter, not entirely sure if it was the look on George's face, or my blatant lie that was making me laugh so hard. Either way, the gig was up.
"How many have you had, Michael?"
"What the fuck does it matter?"
"It matters because I've only had one bottle of the beer I paid for!"
"Well, it's gone now. So, stop trying to scold me and just go get the vodka."
Normally saying something like that to George would trigger a tedious argument, but for some reason Michelle thought I was being funny. If she ever laughed when I was being an asshole to George, he would just ignore me and move on. So, George tried his best to shrug it off, and started for the car to get more hooch.
As he left, I saw Carissa walking towards us. I had been holding a permanent grudge against her for being such a huge bitch all the time, and if she had known how much I hated her, and more importantly, how inebriated I was, she might have reconsidered talking to me.
"Hey Michael, rad shirt."
Something about the way she complimented me pissed me off, it was probably the fact that she had opened her mouth. I didn't bother to check what shirt I was wearing, and instead found myself filled with the uncontrollable urge to chuck the nearest empty beer bottle at her. She was showing way too much of her sagging breasts, and doing some kind of awkward stretch that revealed them even more. It was far too much grotesque tittery for me to handle.
"Put away your giant mammaries, or at least get them the fuck away from me...please"
She laughed and kept on advancing, I shouldn't have said please...I obviously wasn't being clear enough. I had lost the presence of mind to look for an empty bottle, and simply hurled my half full Newcastle at her feet.
"If you're going to put on a show, then dance, bitch!"
My Sister and I were too busy laughing to notice if she had taken extreme offense or not, and I decided it didn't matter when she fucked off and was replaced by George approaching with the vodka. I snatched it away from him when he tried to hand it to my Sister, and had myself a victory swig. After all, I had just thrown a bottle at someone and experienced no repercussions, I fucking deserved it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was suddenly in a small room, which had a bed that looked just like Johnny's in it. There were a few other people in the room with me making a whole lot of noise, but I ignored them for a moment while I tried to figure out where the hell I was. I saw a computer that looked just like Johnny's, and suspected that I might be upstairs in his room. This theory was confirmed when I realized he was sitting on the same couch I was, to the left of me.
"Mikey, hey, you need to calm down man, alright? We're all friends here."
I squinted a little, trying to make sure it was really Johnny, and wondered why I needed to calm down. As far as I knew, I was just sitting there. I looked to my right and saw my Sister trying to put a beer in my hand.
"Here Michael, drink this, it will make it all better."
She was pretty plastered too, but it seemed like good advice, so I took the beer. I was too disoriented to remember you had to open them, and tried to drink it with the cap on.
"You asshole, did you write the fucking encyclopedia on me or something?"
I turned forward to face a guy I had never met before, who seemed to be pretty pissed off. Johnny intervened.
"Both of you guys just calm down, Mikey's a good kid, he's just had a little too much to drink."
I still had no idea what was going on, but I was pretty sure it was bullshit.
"I will not fucking calm down! Fuck you man!"
The stranger threw more witty insults at me that I couldn't comprehend, but I stuck to my argument of "Fuck you man!" Things seemed to be getting out of hand when I realized I knew this guy from somewhere...
"Hey! Aren't you the guy from Phoenix and the Turtle?"
He seemed taken aback by my enthusiasm, and tried to lie to me.
"Um...no, I'm in another ba-"
"Ahhh, you're just modest, you guys are fucking good, I love you guys!"
"I'm not in Phoe-"
"I'm so sorry for yelling at you man, you guys are so good."
He stopped trying to fool me, and left the room without saying another word.
Johnny handed me a pipe.
"Johnny, I'm warning you, if you give me that lighter...I'm gonna smoke this weed."
"Yeah, that's the idea Mikey."
I was glad I convinced him to let me smoke some of his weed, and decided to take a short nap on the floor. It reminded me of the "carpet naps" I used to take when I got home from football practice during Hell Week. As I fell asleep, I could have sworn I heard Jim threatening to kick me...
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-26 09:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you, drunk and disorderly or not.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-09-10 14:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-09-10 14:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 and an apology for -2ing my friend while stoned. more to follow.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-07 12:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Considering no one knew it was you until you said that...
You're pretty fucking stupid.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-09-07 03:40:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you need to ask permission before using my image.
Seriously, homie.
Its the law.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-06 23:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-06 09:05:34 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you are certainly a huge rebel.
======
You think so? When I recall memories like these the words that usually come to mind are more like stupid, moronic, etc...
Oh wait, you're being sarcastic.
Prude...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-06 12:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you are certainly a huge rebel.
Submitted by Tuxinator (user info) at 2007-09-06 11:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You remind me of a buddy of mine.
and +1 for WA
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-06 11:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-06 00:32:49 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like drunk stories.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-06 00:18:58 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where can i get myself a crack baby?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:17:58 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You false camwhore advertising son of a bitch.
=========
Being 20, pretty much the only interesting (true) stories I have involve alcohol. Except for a few involving the only actual friend we've (friend+girlfriend+me) made since moving to WA, mostly because he makes us do manly things that almost kill us. He's from Alaska, and owns half of a mountain in WA...long story involving lots of luck on his part.
As far as coming in possession of a crack baby, ingredients are as follows: One part crack whore, one part man sperm. Trust me, the "man" part is very important.
Rob, I'll make sure to dedicate part of my ass to you, in the least insulting way possible. I suggest that you do NOT kiss it, as kissing a computer screen is just ridiculous.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-09-06 07:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-09-06 06:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Much more amusing than half the circle jerk funny found on the front page these days.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-06 03:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like drunk stories.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-06 03:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where can i get myself a crack baby?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-05 21:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You false camwhore advertising son of a bitch.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-05 21:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My apologies, next time I'll be sure to attach a picture of my ass. I find myself inclined to suggest that you kiss it.
Or should I wait until my asscne clears up as well?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 20:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WELL, IT SAID "WITH CAMWHORE", NOT, "WITH PICTURE OF TWO RANDOM DORKS", SO OBVIOUSLY, SOMEONE'S LYING AROUND HERE AND IT SURE AIN'T SHLONGY.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-05 20:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Correction, two friends of mine.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-05 20:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:03:05 PDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You should probably wait until your skin clears up before you camwhore again.
JUST ANOTHER UBER TIP FROM UNCLE SHLONGY!
========
So, I should wait until my skin clears up before I post an old picture of a friend of mine?
You shouldn't make fun of his skin, he's a crack baby, true story.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 20:03:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You should probably wait until your skin clears up before you camwhore again.
JUST ANOTHER UBER TIP FROM UNCLE SHLONGY!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 duckie
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apollo below
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-05 17:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
baglicker