Why my roommate ended up in jail, or "How I FINALLY got a good parking spot." (845 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.76 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stephie<mourninglory.at.lycos.com> (View user info) at 2007-09-05 17:58:21 EDT
My roommate, Kurina, is by far the dumbest broad I've ever had the displeasure of coming in contact with. She is a 43 year old completely non-productive member of society. When I moved in with her, I figured well, she's a little strange, but rent is cheap, it's five miles away from work, and I can at least save money while I finish college. She has a kid named, well, I don't know, so I call her Demon Spawn, who's eight years old and lives there every other week. I can't stand kids, but I thought the kid was sweet and hell, I might actually grow to like her (and become more tolerant of children in general). Turns out she's extremely emotionally disturbed, and I hate kids even more.
Little did I know that Kurina is not only strange, but she's also got a severe meth and alcohol problem. Now alcohol, I could care less about. I've been known to suck down a bottle of vodka every now and then. But meth? Ugh.
I've lived with her for ten months now. Her parents buy her EVERYTHING, and she does nothing but bitch about them. They have bought her a three bedroom house, cars, paid for the Demon Spawn's private school, designer handbags, whatever she wants. Seven months after I moved in, she ended up going to rehab for meth. I tried to move out, but couldn't find another place that was suitable. And she surprisingly got clean (and stayed clean!). Demon Spawn was removed for three months, and then she came back, and well, things were actually pretty decent. For three weeks.
Kurina drove a Ford Explorer (purchased, of course, by Mom and Dad). She wasn't very good at driving, at least when she was sober. I let her drive me to a video store ONCE, and I said "never again". At about eight o'clock in the morning, Kurina decided she was feeling rather saucy, and as usual at that late in the day, she started drinking some beers. She then went out with her father and Demon Spawn for brunch. Her friend Erica then came over, and the three of them got in the truck.
They went cruising somewhere, and at around 5pm, she was out on a major highway on a Sunday in Las Vegas, and was swerving in between lanes. She ended up causing a five car collision. Her truck spun out four or five times, before slamming (passenger's side) into a wall. The entire front end was also desecrated, the engine started smoking, and Kurina, Erica and Demon Spawn ended up inhaling gas fumes. Kurina got out of the truck and was so drunk she fell in the middle of the highway while getting out to help Demon Spawn out of the truck, and dislocated her hip. Erica ended up with whiplash, she sprained her hand, and screwed up her back. Demon Spawn somehow managed to remain unscathed, and only suffered a scratch.
Metro came, and didn't initially realize that Kurina was a stupid drunk broad, but they soon realized it when they saw she had a ton of empty beer cans in the back seat of the truck. So they made her take a breathalyzer and she failed miserably. SO...Stupid Drunk Broad Kurina won an all-expenses paid vacation to jail! Unfortunately, the vacation was only for 12 hours.
She was charged with a DUI, Child Endangerment and Reckless Driving. She's now in a NEW rehab center in Fort Lauderdale, which she seems to think is a VACATION resort (they were going to pick her up in a limo, she was so fucking excited. IT'S A GODDAMN LIMO!!). Me, I found a new place to move in a month, and even better...
I got her great parking spot!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-09-06 16:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My neighbor = spawn too...
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2007-09-06 15:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Scourge,
I have to agree, this wasn't my best. Maybe if I'd typed it somewhere besides in my suffocating, soul-sucking cubicle, it would have turned out funnier.
I blame this awful florescent lighting, and the woman who just told me she didn't want to be "on de plane, but in de plane, IN DE PLANE".
And the bitch was serious, too. *sigh*
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-06 12:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this post left me feeling blah
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-06 11:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2007-09-06 09:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I should start spelling my name "Kurin"
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-06 09:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You were spot on when you said that the intelligent few remaining here are being forced out by the idiots, or something to that effect...it's hardly worth the time/effort anymore to submit a post requiring any meaningful amount of work.
For Demon Spawn's sake, I hope that someone else winds up with guardianship of her...
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-09-06 06:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-09-06 04:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i smiled
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-06 04:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tut tut
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-06 04:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this earlier and thought it was pretty good. I thought I rated. Must have been all excited fucking around on somebody else's post.
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2007-09-06 03:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Summerlin Area, near Durango and Westcliff, but moving to Spring Valley near Jones and Twain.
Email me, smgatas.at.gmail.com, or IM me at MouRNingLoRY (AIM).
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2007-09-06 03:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Which part of vegas you live?
Henderson around Eastern for me
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2007-09-06 02:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
*sigh*
How did I manage that one?
Fuck me man, I'm -2ing this myself. I'm actually quite embarrassed.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-09-06 01:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't believe she "desecrated" the front end of her car. Lrn2dictionary
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 23:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This just in: Jamowilly can fit 17 COCKS in his big fucking mouth.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-05 23:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-09-05 22:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What's going to happen next? Are you going to spam my work e-mail with gay porn like Mr. Greening, oh noble Uberpolice?
======
What in the fuck are you babbling about?
I called you a goddamn moron because you criticized some chick's looks and called her worthless when she didn't offer her picture up for your childish opinion and actually wrote a fairly decent post by uber standards.
I don't know who you are or what your e-mail address is and I don't know what the hell gay porn has to do with anything.
My point was that your hostility toward women is either latent homosexuality or chronic virginity.
Fix it and you'll feel better.
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-09-05 22:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh, and shut the fuck up, Shlongy.
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-09-05 22:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-05 19:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are fat, ugly and completely worthless.
===
Shut the fuck up you goddamn moron.
__________________
OH FUCKING NOES THE UNITER CALLED ME NAMES.
What's going to happen next? Are you going to spam my work e-mail with gay porn like Mr. Greening, oh noble Uberpolice? Fuck off.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 21:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
17?
THAT'S AWESOME!!!
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2007-09-05 21:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Schlongy,
About 17, but it depends whether I can unhinge my jaw or not.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 20:41:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Alright, I'll be serious for a moment.
Tell me, how many of those Krystal burgers acn you fit in your mouth at once?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-09-05 20:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Reading this lifted my spirits by reminding me how very blessed I am that I am not so easily amused.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-09-05 20:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2007-09-05 19:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, okay, okay.
Christ. It's actually been a while since I started posting again, actually, about two years until my one post last month. So I forgot about the one post a day rule. I'm sorry and I've learned my lesson.
Anyway, does what I look like really have anything to do with what I type? I know I'm not gorgeous. So I'm fat. So I don't look like someone you'd want to pick up in a bar. So I don't make you go, "OMG u guyz shes sooo hott id stick my peepee in her fase!!!" Fuck off. When I first joined Uber, there seemed to be a different class of people. Now it's changed and not as much fun. The stupid/immature people have, sadly, outnumbered the smart people who could really appreciate good writing. Look at the funny stuff that people write, the intelligent stuff, etc. They're all smeared by people who are like, "u suck lolz!@!!1" and then they post a pic of Anna Nicole Smith tits on a new post. It's kind of like being in high school again, when you get that new class of freshman, and they think they're actually witty, but really, they're just full of shit.
That's my rant.
===========================
Wow MG that was a good rant. I only -2'd because of the one post a day rule. I didnt think this was terrible at all. Since I am at work I dont know what you look like. But I can surely vouch for myself when I say that it wouldn't matter to me, I mean goddamn look at my camwhores for christ sake! Im lucky I found a girl to marry my sorry fat ass! All I'm saying is that I do care about good writing on here, not just pics of tits (even though they do break up the day quite nice)I will always +2 writing that I think is good. That is all.
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2007-09-05 19:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, okay, okay.
Christ. It's actually been a while since I started posting again, actually, about two years until my one post last month. So I forgot about the one post a day rule. I'm sorry and I've learned my lesson.
Anyway, does what I look like really have anything to do with what I type? I know I'm not gorgeous. So I'm fat. So I don't look like someone you'd want to pick up in a bar. So I don't make you go, "OMG u guyz shes sooo hott id stick my peepee in her fase!!!" Fuck off. When I first joined Uber, there seemed to be a different class of people. Now it's changed and not as much fun. The stupid/immature people have, sadly, outnumbered the smart people who could really appreciate good writing. Look at the funny stuff that people write, the intelligent stuff, etc. They're all smeared by people who are like, "u suck lolz!@!!1" and then they post a pic of Anna Nicole Smith tits on a new post. It's kind of like being in high school again, when you get that new class of freshman, and they think they're actually witty, but really, they're just full of shit.
That's my rant.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-09-05 19:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, good for you!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-05 19:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd hit it
with somebody else's penis
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-09-05 19:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.myspace.com/schlomoo
You are fat, ugly and completely worthless.
---------------------------
Oops, I didn't realize. I wanted finding uber on myspace to be my kind.
Well, it's a shitty thing, so I relinquish the title.
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-09-05 19:31:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.myspace.com/schlomoo
I finds you.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-05 19:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You go girl.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-05 19:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are fat, ugly and completely worthless.
===
Shut the fuck up you goddamn moron. All you little boys on ubersite who recycle the pain of past rejection into endless criticism of any female whose picture crosses your computer screen are pathetic.
I'm pretty sure this one (if that's actually her) didn't even offer up her picture on ubersite for your immature perusal.
Why don't you get laid or come out of the closet or something?
Hostility toward females dissipates once you get a little more experience under your belt.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-05 19:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tiny ePenis syndrome below?
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.myspace.com/schlomoo
You are fat, ugly and completely worthless.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:36:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for ignoring the one post a day rule.
As someone who posts once a YEAR, I am more than willing to assign my allotment to any rule breakers out there.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:34:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Random CAPITAL words are fucking IRRITATING. NOT ONLY THIS, but so are LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!
You've been here since 2004. You know better. Or you don't, in which case you're a dumbass.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yeah, what shlongy said. WHAT THE FUCK.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-05 18:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What part of "one post per day" and "shut your fucking piehole" do you not understand?