If Jim Shahin Wrote for Ubersite, I’d Give Him a -1. OR: Jim Shahin Takes Flight, and Then Suddenly Comes Crashing to the Ground in a Horrible Inferno, I Hope. OR: I’m Sorry, Who? (716 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.7 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by beeltea (View user info) at 2007-09-06 02:29:55 EDT
So I was flying from Dallas to New York the other day, a trip I make often. It's about three hours, and my computer only runs on battery for about two hours, so there always comes the time somewhere over West Virginia when I have to make sure my progress in Leisure Suit Larry is saved and shut the thing down. This leaves me with one more hour needing something else to occupy my mind before I start obsessing about the fact that I'm trapped in an aluminum death cylinder miles and miles above the ground with a bunch of ugly people aboard whom I don't wish to die with. After thumbing through a catalog featuring products like a combination GPS navigational system and hot dog cooker/camp light; I always eventually find myself leafing through American Way magazine.
This is one of those in-flight pieces of garbage with articles featuring sports celebrities talking about their favorite restaurants or something. This guy Jim writes a weekly "humor" (and I use this term in the loosest possible way) column which appears on the back page, and he is almost as funny as Dave Barry if you were to catch Dave Barry while he was watching his house burn down with his wife and child trapped inside.
Now now now, I can already hear what you're saying: "BLT, what the hell do you expect? He writes for a complimentary in-flight magazine published by the airline itself! I don't' think we should expect Pulitzer-caliber shit here!"
Good point imaginary uberer, and after being charged three dollars for a bag of PEANUTS which OTHER airlines give you FOR FREE it's going to be hard to make me laugh; but bear in mind this guy gets paid to write around a thousand words a week on whatever inane topic pops into his trimly bearded little noggin, and he probably makes more money than you do. He definitely earns more than I do working at Dunkin' Donuts.
No, I don't really work at Dunkin' Donuts.
Okay, I do, but I'm an assistant manager, at least.
("Calvin's got a job! Way to go, Calvin!")
At any rate, I've decided Jim Shahin is not amusing or entertaining in the slightest, and I canb think of no better way to illustrate my point than by taking quotes from his most recent column completely out of context and anonymously ridiculing him over the internet.
Let me just start off with the concluding sentence in some astonishingly boring article he wrote entitled "You've Got Mail, or Do you?". The subject of this literary gem was some woman writing him a series of criticizing (imagine that!) e-mails and him refusing to respond to them. Jim ends the article with:
But now I am left trying to answer another age-old question: If your computer intones "You've got mail" but if nobody reads it, was it ever really received?
Is it an age-old question? Really? Historians, listen up: we've got a new definition for the term "age". It is now from whenever AOL was first introduced to now. I'm going to make a completely un-researched guess and say that's around 15 years.
Yeah, I could look it up but I've got a fucking life to lead over here.
So, in other words, it would be perfectly reasonable to compare "The Age of AOL" to, say, "The Age of dinosaurs" or "The Information Age". An era, I'm guessing then, is around the length of an episode of "The Golden Girls"; as in, "The Era of Afternoon Tea Last Tuesday".
A few weeks back, an e-mail message all but exploded in my inbox.
That must have hurt.
What? I thought, fury rising like steam inside me (which is not a comfortable sensation, by the way).
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH BOY JIMMY I CAN REALLY RELATE TO THAT! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL STEAM INSIDE YA DON'T FEEL GOOD, THAT'S FOR SURE AHAHAHAHAHAHA
"Please," she thundered, "don't make this practice a part of your future behavior!"
Tell me Jimbo, how exactly does one "thunder" over e-mail? Of course, it did already almost explode. Maybe she's using some unreleased version of Outlook. Maybe Jim's using the Samuel L. Jackson version of AOL. ("You've got mail, mother-fucker! Open It!")
I was dying to know what she had written in those e-mails. But it was a matter of honor that I had not read them. I said I wouldn't, and I didn't.
If you <i>had</> read them, Jim, and if in the future you ever do, I would expect nothing less than Hiri-Kiri. In time, your struggle will no doubt rank as one of the most exalted tests of virtue in the recorded history of human existence. Live for that day, my friend.
Anyhow, I'm already growing bored with this post, which isn't a good sign for you, my gentle reader! Just trust me, this and the rest of his columns are filled with meh-ish observations on the mundane, clichéd, overused metaphors, and ho-hum white-bread commentary on upper middle class living. If you care to taste the full flavor of Jim-Bob's whimsical musings, you can check it out here: http://americanwaymag.com/tabid/2855/tabidext/3284/default.aspx
I'd rather crash into a large building.
User Reviews
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-18 23:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus this fucking pennant race is getting scary for both of us.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-09-08 17:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fuckin' hysterical.
"Calvin got a job. Way to go Calvin!"
"Nigga, you smell like french fries."
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-09-07 10:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i will have a blt for lunch today
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-06 15:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that guy's pointing at the Islas Malvinas
Submitted by MouthSore (user info) at 2007-09-06 12:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-06 12:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-06 12:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-06 11:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-09-06 10:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe Jim's using the Samuel L. Jackson version of AOL. ("You've got mail, mother-fucker! Open It!")
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I would switch to AOL just for that!
Now I just need to re-find a particular site that provides wav files that you can download and assign to various keys and functions.
I used to have a wav file of HAL from 2001. Whenever I would shut down, it would say;
"I know you are planning to disconnect me, Dave." or something like that.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-06 10:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i tried to read that garbage at that link and was unsuccessful. i would give him a -2 and some sort of smartass review spelled out in all caps. i hate him.
Submitted by livEvil (user info) at 2007-09-06 09:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
If you wrote for Ubersite, I'd give you a -1.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-09-06 09:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Skymall
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-06 09:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-06 08:51:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so that's what yer name means
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-09-06 07:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-06 07:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-06 10:39:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-09-06 05:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's about as good as a hooker who's party piece is to vomit on your balls.
--
I think I met her too. She sucks, bad!
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Heres a hint, dont give her some Ribena right before she does it. Stains something terrible.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-06 05:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-09-06 05:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's about as good as a hooker who's party piece is to vomit on your balls.
--
I think I met her too. She sucks, bad!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-09-06 05:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wasn't he the guy that did that John Livingston Seagull thing?
I read that once. It was terrible. Was that the same one with all angsty bollocks about joining the air force but being all squeamish and ghey over bombing shit?
I swear to God, flying and coasts was all that guy could come up with. That's about as good as a hooker who's party piece is to vomit on your balls.
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-09-06 05:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A man decides, a slave obeys
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-06 05:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-09-06 03:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried to read some of his funny....it wasn't.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-06 03:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This isn't fair, evryones drunk and ive just got to work. But plus 2 becaause this is good.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-09-06 03:18:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I meant to +2.
Drunk, sorry
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-09-06 03:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I laughed audibly upon reading this:
"Maybe Jim's using the Samuel L. Jackson version of AOL. ("You've got mail, mother-fucker! Open It!") "
"Laughed Audibly" is a non-corrupt version of LOL, which stands for Laugh Out Loud.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-06 02:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Decent read, mon frère. (I hope you appreciate the effort I expended opening a new browser window, finding a web page featuring the word "frère," copying it, and pasting it into this review. Fucker.) It's about time somebody entertained me since the ballgame ended. (We beat fuckin' Peavy, by the way. And we did so handily.)
Tell me...did you leave Sally down in Dallas?
Sicko.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-09-06 02:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahhaa @ picture
post was too long to read before bed.