Ballad of Mr. Armstrong (320 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.4 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ShapeShifter (View user info) at 2007-09-06 10:31:26 EDT
His body sizzled with sodium chloride based sweat as he edged out of the temporary berm placed on Third Avenue, right in the center of my home town of Tempe. It was already an arid 95 degrees Fahrenheit and we were all dripping with sweat, not to mention the excitement that was pouring out of all the onlookers, myself included.
I was intoxicated, or at least I thought I was, actually I definitely intended to be but with the warmth that surrounded everyone it was hard to tell if it was the alcohol or heat that made me feel this way. I wiped my brow every minute it seemed waiting in anticipation. I was sitting at Eighteenth Avenue waiting for him to come along the second to last stretch.
It was the fourth stage of a five stage bicycle marathon and as cancer survivor I was waiting for the moment that I'd get to see my hero and seven time Tour de Lance (France) champion, Lance Armstrong. Lance has been a beacon of hope for me, a hopeful web of what I wanted to be caught in. I enjoyed the challenges of cancer and only very eerily wish I had it longer, that way I could continue to stave it's feeble hopes of conquering me. I came out victorious, but was no where near in the physical prowess that Mr. Armstrong was. Live. Strong.
What a motto, a modicum of words to live by, I thought as I slugged the rest of my Miller High Life forty. It was a few pals (fellow survivors whom I became acquainted via the hospital) and I who decided that we should stand outside, wait for him to pass, and hopefully take one of the gatorade cups we would hand to him.
On the trinitron screen, I could see him pedaling with a tenacity unmatched by any creature on this globule we call Earth. The cogs were syncing at just the right moment he flipped his switch, mid pedal, gliding almost effortlessly, definitely thoughtlessly, and presumably with skilled precision. He is Lance Armstrong after all.
We were in the confines of a natural land cove, shaded by cherry blossom trees, in the offshoot of Eighteenth Avenue and Mertz Alley. We were waiting for two hours and what better way to pass the time then to drink a few brewski's with fellow cancer fighters, winners, and the such! A few turned into Ed, my pal, going to get forty ouncers for everyone and we played Edward 40 Hands. If you aren't familiar with this, it's a game in which someone duct tapes two forty ouncers to your hands, uncaps them, and the first to finish is the winner. If you have to piss, shame on you. I did have to pee.
I slammed my forties in order to relieve myself, turned, faced one of the trees and urinated into a cup. We were a bit inebriated to say the least, enjoying the splendors of people cheering, booze, and potentially meeting a long time hero for me. He is a legend afterall, and the conspiracy that surrounds him is bogus, I just know it.
He, THE Lance Armstrong was in our sights now, bursting out of Chew Street on to the Eighteenth Avenue pass, heading for the straight stretch. I grabbed a cup and started running alongside him. He glanced down, saw my yellow "Live Strong" bracelet, my head devoid of any hirsute structure (completely bald, no eyebrows, etc.) and he grabbed my cup and winked at me. It was fucking awesome!
He rode casually down the stretch as my pals and I watched in awe, jaws dropped at the specimen that Lance Armstrong is. He had a generous lead and was cruising now to conserve energy. It wasn't until he was almost out of my vision, near the Ohio Street stretch, the finish line, when I saw him sip my drink. I was ecstatic.
Nanoseconds later, it seemed, he flipped over his handlebars landing with a thud. I was drunk, but it only took me a second to realize what had happened. I accidentally gave him my cup :(
User Reviews
Submitted by ameelius (user info) at 2007-09-07 06:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're mean!
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-09-06 15:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That there champagne looks like piss.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-06 12:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-06 12:20:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-06 12:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
anesthetic..
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-09-06 11:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Scourge, it's true. Perhaps that's why it comes across as stupid.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-06 11:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this was kind of stupid
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-09-06 10:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude needs to get a REAL bike.
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-09-06 10:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to do a biology project regarding Mr.Armstrong. Wasn't his resting heart beat something like 30 bpm
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-09-06 10:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
he's a cheating cunt with no balls.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-09-06 10:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh.