Things I learned about life from Central Florida. (582 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.33 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by FALLEN (View user info) at 2007-09-06 15:57:59 EDT
Ah Florida.
What would we do without you? As most northerners do, I take a yearly trip to the Sunshine State before the icy grip of winter smothers over us, and ultimately I wind up at Disney World.
As you may not know Disney is not just a destination for hi tech amusements and overpriced crap. Oh no my friends. It provides you with a smorgasbord of confusing, stress inducing and disturbing observances on life and self-reflection.
Things I have learned, in no particular order.
1. Its fucking hot in late august. Forget all existing knowledge of our solar system, it is wrong. The sun is approximately twelve feet from you at any given time, even indoors. An interesting side bar to this, is that I have discovered a new talent of being able to sweat six times my own body weight over the course of a day. I think I draw moisture from the air like an organic dehumidifier because no human body can contain that much fluid.
2. People are fat. And not just Americans. There was a lot of foreign speaking lard Asses around. Disney does not help this at all by strategically placing food-vending carts everywhere and making all the restaurants menus super-size. You can't buy a hamburger but you can buy a bacon double cheeseburger with fries. I spent the last week eating myself into an electric scooter.
3. Stop dressing your daughters like whores!! I can not tell you the amount of times I noticed a flawless pair of legs topped by a perfect ass, with cheeks peeking out from under the shorts only to discover the owner is frighteningly underage. Just because little Suzie got a visit from the boob fairy does not mean you should let her shove them into a push up bra. It is wrong, it sends a bad message and it makes it uncomfortable to continue to stare at her. Think of others people, please.
4. It is apparently a law for people from Britain to wear soccer jerseys when here in the states. Because that's all they wear, that and those floppy, Outback Steakhouse, cowboy hat looking things, I don't know what they're called.
5. Florida is officially "Puerto Rico North" now, as everyone speaks Spanish, even the Asian people.
6. Spanish women are very lovely but they have a short lifespan. After they reach their mid-twenties they hit the wall, hard and expand like airbags. Its unfortunate.
7. I have an unhealthy attraction to Asian women. The back portion of the EPCOT park is broken into countries and each "country" has representative employees working there. It took a lot of will power to not ask where the "Bukakee Mountain Ride" was. Needless to say walking around the Japan pavilion with Godzilla-esq wood makes for an awkward time in an amusement park.
8. It is called a walkway for a reason. In any crowded area you can tell where the traffic patterns occur and where it is ok to stand. If I had a dime for every time some mouth breather dead stopped in the middle of a flow, I could have paid for my trip. Oh what I'd have given for a cattle prod.
And to think it all started with a mouse.
User Reviews
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2007-09-07 18:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lived in Orlando for two years. There was a great local music scene down there despite most tourists staying within the Disney confines.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-07 15:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never been to Florida; principaly because my people don't tan, and as a side effect of the fact that I hate being eaten alive by giant sweat-seeking bugs.
I hear the water's nice though.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-09-07 14:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I spent the last week eating myself into an electric scooter.
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great line.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-09-07 14:24:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
to be honest
It is wrong, it sends a bad message and it makes it uncomfortable to continue to stare at her.
was a great line though.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-09-07 13:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lived in Orlando for a year and even worked at The Rat, at the Polynesian as a lifeguard. Have a +2. Even though you spelled bukkake wrong - you pretty much got it all right.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-09-07 10:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YEAH, I'M GOING TO THE KEYS TOMORROW AND LEAVING THIS HELL HOLE OF WORK BEHIND FOR 8 WHOLE DAYS.
It's supposed to rain the entire time.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-07 08:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-09-07 07:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't wait to move to Miami.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-09-06 23:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Florida sucks so hard it's unbelievable. The whole reason Georgia even became a state is because the rest of our young nation needed a "buffer" from Florida. It's true - look it up.
The global-warming-induced return of Florida to the ocean floor cannot possibly come soon enough.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-09-06 21:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
O...and what really pissed me off was a quad of SWAT dressed cops who looked in each and every; Dixie, plastic and paper cup for alcohol
when in the fuck did that start?
are these fucking beach communities so fucking hard up for cash that they have to act like parasites?
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-09-06 21:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
last weekend i went to the beach (in the US) for the first time in about 15yrs
re #2 i don't know what the fuck happened during my absence but less than 1% of the beach-go'rs were in decent shape and thus easy on the eyes
re #3 experienced the same thing by noticing a pair of 5yr old twins topless and in string-bikini bottoms with their little cooch's hanging out
it was fucking disturbing in contrast with Rio/Venice/SE Asia/Southern Hemisphere and the rest of the fucking World
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-09-06 19:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-09-06 18:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
We locals appreciate your tourism dollars, although you're correct in assuming that most of 'we locals' call them 'pesos'. Do yourself a favor: stay out of Mauschwitz and even Orlando in general. Follow Hilarity down to the Keys next time and rent a boat for a week, or go to St. Pete and rent a condo on the beach. There you'll find girls like those in your #3, ceppin' they're 18+ and (for the most part) even educated to some extent. Can't be bad. And know this as well: anywhere outside the suburbs surrounding any large city in Florida, it's 1961 in Kentucky.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-06 17:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2007-09-06 17:02:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-06 16:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Florida is brutal.
Half my family lives in West Palm...I try and visit none times a year, if possible.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-06 16:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-09-06 16:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-09-06 16:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
3. Stop dressing your daughters like whores!! I can not tell you the amount of times I noticed a flawless pair of legs topped by a perfect ass, with cheeks peeking out from under the shorts only to discover the owner is frighteningly underage. Just because little Suzie got a visit from the boob fairy does not mean you should let her shove them into a push up bra. It is wrong, it sends a bad message and it makes it uncomfortable to continue to stare at her. Think of others people, please.
This rule pretty much applies FUCKING EVERYWHERE!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-09-06 16:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice!
No.6 was awesome, that and the last one.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-09-06 16:08:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
3. Stop dressing your daughters like whores!! I can not tell you the amount of times I noticed a flawless pair of legs topped by a perfect ass, with cheeks peeking out from under the shorts only to discover the owner is frighteningly underage. Just because little Suzie got a visit from the boob fairy does not mean you should let her shove them into a push up bra. It is wrong, it sends a bad message and it makes it uncomfortable to continue to stare at her. Think of others people, please.
This rule pretty much applies FUCKING EVERYWHERE!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-06 16:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
And THAT my friend is why I hate football. Us Brits are fucking rabid for it, its fucking sad so it is.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-06 16:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
amusing