The dangers of frequent drug testing (30789 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: bored_at_work
Rating: 1.85 on 67 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ejaculatin’ for Jesus (View user info) at 2007-09-08 17:43:09 EDT
Tuesday morning, 9:00am.
I got the fax again. The fax from HR ordering me to report for drug testing within the next 60 minutes. This is the exact same fax I've received five times in the last 18 months.
"Bullfeathers!!!" I exclaimed. Oh yes, I use that kind of language at work. I'm a rebel, deal with it.
However, I was pretty annoyed. Six times in a year and a half? I thought this was supposed to be random. The only guy in my department even close to me has been called twice in five years! Hmm. I guess something about my behavior must indicate drug use.
So, I proceeded down to the little building where we pee in cups. As I entered, I saw the same "thing" sitting behind the reception desk I've seen my previous five trips. I'm sure you've seen them before. The nurse Ratcheds of the world. Fifty years old, grossly overweight, smells of stale smoke and coffee, and always angry about something.
"Morning, I have a strong desire to pee in a cup and figured, while I was in the neighborhood..." I said as I placed my fax on the counter.
You'd think, this being my sixth trip out here that I'd get some spark of recognition from this beast. Maybe a bit of the "Hey, it's you again!" kind of ribbing. But no.
She just made a kind of grunting noise as she slammed down the plastic specimen cup onto the counter. "Room four."
Damn it all! Why is it, every single actual nurse I've met in real life is a cross between the Emperor and that fat chick from the Facts of Life. They're never like the nurses in the movies. Movie nurses are always young and hot, with short skirts and skimpy tops woefully under-engineered for the silicone bustiness to which they are subjected. Well, I suppose even in the movies those girls only work at sperm ban...
Then it hit me. Here I am, in a private room with a little plastic cup. Six times in a year and a half. It's not fair. This injustice cannot stand, man.
So I sent a message. Now, I'm not asserting that I'm the first person to ever ejaculate into a drug test cup, but I do think I'm one of the few people to have ever ejaculated that much into one. I had inadvertently "saved up" quite a bit, as it had been a good while since my last wank (see step 2.4 http://www.ubersite.com/m/54326).
Now, I had expected my little joke to be found out pretty quickly. However, with the cap on the specimen cup and the considerable volume of my "sample", the weight and appearance, while they wouldn't stand up to close inspection, might slip by someone not really paying attention.
I suppose that it should come as no great surprise that the she-beast at the counter wasn't really paying attention. She grabbed the cup and threw it in the little fridge with the others. With no better course of action, I casually returned to work, wondering how long it would take before my stunt was found out. Or if my joke would be discovered at all. Can you test semen for drugs? Maybe semen in the bladder is a known medical condition. What do I know?
Turns out, they can catch this joke, and in my case it took about five hours. Just before 3pm, my boss calls me into his office. This was a bad sign since he never wants to talk in his office.
Shit! Great! What have you done now? Just had to be funny, didn't you? Couldn't just pee in the cup! Shit! Maybe the boss will be cool about it. This seems like something he'd laugh at. Besides, they can't fire you for coming during your drug test, can they? Certainly wouldn't seem very "Equal Opportunity Employer" of them, would it?
I enter his office and he tells me to sit down. He remained standing. Hmmm, this seems bad.
"Did you take your drug test this morning?" he asked though clenched teeth.
Excuses! I need excuses fast! Um, let's see. "Oh, I thought that's what they wanted." "Wasn't me, there must be a mix up." "It's not my fault! I was cleaning it and it just went off!"
"Um, yeah." I replied hesitantly.
"Did you come in the...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
Whew. He was laughing so hard he was crying. Had me going there for a minute though.
"What the fuck is WRONG with you?!" he managed after he'd gotten a hold of himself.
"I felt six times in a year and a half was just a bit excessive. I wanted to send a message."
"Yeah, well I guarantee your message will be interpreted as 'Drug test me every week, please'" he pointed out.
"You're probably right. I guess I kind of shot myself in the foot."
"Oh, and you have to go take another test before 4 today. But this time, urine ONLY."
It's just as well, I guess. I was still pretty spent from the morning.
From now on, I think I'll have to start drinking more water at work.
 soon, 2 Rabbits discuss right and wrong.jpg)
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-04-02 22:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
super awesome
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2008-01-04 07:56:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss everyzing ven Is don't av internetz.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2007-11-25 23:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha
Submitted by treecat (user info) at 2007-10-24 10:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yes, an I thought going nuts peeing in a cup was my deal. Shows how selfish and self important I was. heheheheheheh
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-10-18 04:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-10-09 15:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-10-09 10:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd get fired for that, so kudos to you.
The boss-monster-shrew-troll-spawn of He who is called Dragon- lacks a sense of humor. And she hates me. I'm the only employee to make her scream at the top of her lungs TWICE in a week... and I didn't even do anything that bad, really!
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2007-10-09 10:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hooray for semen
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-10-01 11:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I really not rate this first time round?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-09-30 12:58:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-09-30 12:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on B@W!!!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-09-25 16:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cum
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2007-09-23 11:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-09-19 20:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow! Another B@W!
Thanks Bart!
And thanks to redskies, experima, and anyone else who submitted this!
!!!one!1!eleven1
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-09-19 20:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is solid gold. Right on DUDER.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-19 15:07:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS is B@W material
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2007-09-19 10:14:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't believe that I missed this.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-09-19 10:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats. How many does this make now?
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-09-19 00:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damned brilliant! Bravo and congrats on B@W!
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2007-09-18 16:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-09-11 08:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fishcat (user info) at 2007-09-11 02:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Now that's funny. I don't care what anybody say.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-10 20:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this is all kinds of awesome.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-09-10 20:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Logged in just to rate this post. This is GOLD.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-09-10 18:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By god, I think I might like you.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-09-10 13:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2007-09-10 13:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastic, stick it to the man.
I dont think I could get myself "prepared" in a public place like that...
just out of curiosity though, it must have only taken you a couple minutes to uhhhh you know...
arent you worried about people questioning your stamina?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-10 12:49:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked this.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-09-10 12:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-09-10 09:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-09-10 08:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF Berty's a druggie?
----------------------------
I am not a druggie. I did not inhale. I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
But I may have shot the deputy...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-10 09:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-09-10 08:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF Berty's a druggie?
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-10 06:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
salpingectomy..
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-09-10 06:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't agree with drug testing. The amount of ketamine I take is totally harmless, it is no business of my employers what may or may not be floating around in my arteries and/or bladder.
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-10 05:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha me likey, mucho gusto!
Submitted by DancingOtter (user info) at 2007-09-10 04:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Same as below man. Awesome post.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2007-09-09 23:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best post I've seen on Uber in some time. I only lurk nowdays, but this warranted me actually bothering to sign in to give a plus 2.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-09 18:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-09-09 17:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would never work anywhere that drug tested me.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-09 15:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel like chicken tonight
chicken tonight
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-09-09 12:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was cleaning it and it just went off!"
~~~~
hahahaha
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-09 11:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-09-09 11:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-09-09 09:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-09-09 03:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Your account was funny, but the scenario is downright Orwellian. Where the hell do they drug test people?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where don't they drug test people?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Places that aren't the usa.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-09-09 09:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-09-09 03:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Your account was funny, but the scenario is downright Orwellian. Where the hell do they drug test people?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where don't they drug test people?
Submitted by lilybaby228 (user info) at 2007-09-09 07:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll give you three dollars
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2007-09-09 05:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, two dollars.
Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY (user info) at 2007-09-09 05:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Marry me, please. I'll give you a dollar.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2007-09-09 05:25:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-09-09 03:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Your account was funny, but the scenario is downright Orwellian. Where the hell do they drug test people?
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-09-09 01:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
drop a plastic spoonful of a deuce in the next one?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-09 00:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Right on, man..you did the right thing. That's beyond excessive and you needed to take a stand.
Submitted by Nyrea (user info) at 2007-09-09 00:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2007-09-08 22:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stick it to man.
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-09-08 22:27:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2007-09-08 22:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was cleaning it and it just went off!
Heh.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-08 21:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This seems like the kind of thing Bukowski would write about. By no means am I comparing you to Bukowski, however.
Just to clarify:
Bukowski > you
Good post.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-09-08 19:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Making me smile every time.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-09-08 19:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah well that's just like, uh, your opinion, man.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-08 19:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A+
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2007-09-08 18:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I guess I kind of shot myself in the foot."
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-09-08 18:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-09-08 14:56:25 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm gonna b@W this
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2007-09-08 18:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Get a reference and get a new job.
fuck those wankers.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-08 18:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wompom (user info) at 2007-09-08 17:57:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's pretty funny.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-09-08 17:56:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm gonna b@W this
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-09-08 17:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-09-08 17:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EVERYWHERE LIKE SUCH AS MAPS!!!
http://www.thevideospace.com/videos/17480/Miss_teen_south_carolinas_brother.htm