Charles Atkins and Fred Jones in The Mystery of Some Dead Kid and A Computer Game (610 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.43 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Haiku Mikoo (View user info) at 2007-09-10 00:00:26 EDT
These would probably have to be written in sketch form (as opposed to first person), or by somebody else (more likely) for them to have a chance at being humorous...but, I never seem to learn from my mistakes, http://www.ubersite.com/m/110236
If only I cared about the Giants/Cowboys game, you would have been spared.
===============
"He's wasted the last three years of his life in that damn room on, final fantasy, massive multi...whatever the fuck. We haven't seen much of him this past week, even less than usual, but that smell...anyways!"
She leaned in closer, face to face now, with her hand on my crotch. The shock had set in, she clearly didn't know how to react to the loss of her son.
"Let's not talk about such depressing things, let's-"
"Dear God woman!"
I pushed her away from me, I hadn't been ready for the grotesque combination of alcohol and bologna breath so close to my nostrils. She was clearly drunk. I had seen too many take this road to cope with their loss.
"I know this is hard for you to deal with, ma'am, but there are other things to turn to besides alcohol."
I reached into my coat to pull out my Jesus Saves pamphlet, when I was interrupted by a new voice.
"Pfft, she's been drunk the past three days. Long before I found his dead, good for nothing, lazy ass."
I turned my head to see what appeared to be the boy's father on the couch watching football. He was using one hand to choke down a hot wing, and the other to scratch his genitalia. It was all an obvious front to hide the pain, and it tore at me.
"Enough fucking around Charlie, let's go check out the kid's room."
My simple partner was right. I followed Fred down the hall. When he opened the door my senses were assaulted by a horrible concoction of smells...but I was used to it. Nothing to clear up the sinuses like the combination of old Chinese food, Indian, pizza, and ass...dead ass.
"Fuck, I can taste it in my mouth!"
I ignored Fred and pushed passed him into the room. The kid's bed was a mountain of empty pizza boxes and top ramen packages. The floor was a graveyard of Styrofoam boxes and used napkins, yet the computer was surprisingly spotless. Must've been the napkins.
"Where the hell is the body?"
"I don't know Fred, but the computer's still on...I'm going to check it out."
The kid's chair was large enough to block out the entire computer screen. I sat down and got ready to do my job, justice. Huh, it was pretty comfortable...kind of dug into your shoulder blades a little bit though. The game his frantic Mother had been talking about earlier seemed to still be running. There were dead bodies strewn across the screen, and a small box of text at the bottom.
<drseuss> Where the hell was drengur? Did he heal anyone!?
<keithx> Hold on let me check the log...
<drseuss> I just did, he didn't heal anyone!
<suu> He sure did talk a lot about how much he wanted some pizza though...maybe he's brb?
<koudelka> Wasn't this like...his 14th run in a row? I heard he was going for a record
<trey> Holy shit that was awesome!
<keithx> stfu trey
<drseuss> stfu n00b
<suu> quiet trey
<drseuss> This is easily our worst god run ever...
If they only knew, if they only knew.
"Well Fred, looks like our boy starved to death...and for the praise of some unapreciative internet strangers."
I leaned back into the chair overcome with stress, and rested my elbow on one the arms. It felt kind of odd, mushy even...looking down, I saw a small, bony hand poking out from under me. Shocked, I leaped out of the chair and turned to face the body.
"My god Fred, look at him! He has absolutely no muscle mass, he's all skin and...what I'm assuming are bones. His cheeks are sunken into what appears to be his face, somehow his ribs have been cracked. I've never seen anything like it."
"Um...Charlie? You might want to look at these pictures I found before you get sand in your vagina, again."
Charlie showed me a series of pictures of the poor kid, ranging anywhere from his toddler stages to his current pubescent state. He had looked pretty much the same his whole life. It seemed that whatever killed him went deeper than a Japanese programmer and some megapixels. I knocked the pictures out of Fred's hands in frustration.
"Damn, now we're right back at square one!"
"Wait, what?"
"I don't think it was starvation that killed this kid Fred, whatever ate away at his body started sometime in his childhood. Now that I think about it, his parents were a little too accepting of his death, perhaps they had something to do with this. No, I'm just being paranoid, it has to go deeper than that!"
Fred appeared to be speechless at first glance, apparently he had been as deeply affected by this tragedy as I had. I felt closer to him somehow.
"Um, if by that, you mean he's always been a skinny, ugly, nerdy kid...then yes, I completely agree."
I could do nothing anymore but simply stand there, staring at the lifeless body. A single tear swept across my face as I tried to think of something, anything, somewhere we could start to bring this kid's death to justice.
"Charlie, are you crying? For Christ's sake man, he grew up a fucking loser, and he died a fucking loser...you were right the first time. Are we making a made for TV movie here? Did I miss the cameras, you enormous pussy? Wipe those tears before I get violent. I'm hungry, we're going to Denny's."
I didn't agree with Fred's gross oversimplification of the loss of a human life...but god damn it, he was right. Now wasn't the time to mourn, now was the time to take action, to do our jobs. If that meant drinking bitter coffee and consuming a poorly made omelette I've seen the homeless refuse to eat...then I was willing to do it.
I owed it to...to, him.
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-01-27 13:32:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I definitely don't have any alters, not sure where you would get that idea, I'm a pretty huge asshole on my own account, I don't need another.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-27 02:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm... I think I misfired.
Yer still questionable.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-01-26 18:52:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a pretty good writer, this seemed to sort of morph a lot between being a serious story and a parody, you should make up your mind about what you want it to be :P
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-26 18:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by jimboruckus (user info) at 2008-01-26 18:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-10 14:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I suck.
---
Indeed you do.
Alters are stupid you angry little chickenshit.
Submitted by jimboruckus (user info) at 2008-01-26 18:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-10 14:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-09-10 08:43:19 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i meant the point of the post. what really happened to the kid? what's the deal with the parents? does that cop really care? i don't know, but i wanted more...
========
BAH, I failed again. You see, both times I've done this, the point was to make people laugh. However, I feel like since I write it in the first person, that people get confused and take the story seriously. Which is completely my fault.
Anyways, Atkins is supposed to be over complicating things and being way too emotional, and "wossname" is supposed to be more realistic about things, in an attempt to create amusing contrast.
I suck.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-09-25 19:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for making me laugh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-25 16:46:50 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-09-25 19:33:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
asshole below.
----
Fine, I'll be nice.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-09-25 18:04:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111987#2534733
I chose the name because I like it. It has belonged to many good and important people in my life. Don't hate it. Unless you're a guy named Maia, in which case I'm guessing you have issues (as do your parents).
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2007-09-13 16:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I re-read
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-09-13 15:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Neat.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-12 21:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was delightfully random.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-12 10:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're too hard on yourself
really a +1, but you know me
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-11 14:43:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-10 14:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-09-10 08:43:19 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i meant the point of the post. what really happened to the kid? what's the deal with the parents? does that cop really care? i don't know, but i wanted more...
========
BAH, I failed again. You see, both times I've done this, the point was to make people laugh. However, I feel like since I write it in the first person, that people get confused and take the story seriously. Which is completely my fault.
Anyways, Atkins is supposed to be over complicating things and being way too emotional, and "wossname" is supposed to be more realistic about things, in an attempt to create amusing contrast.
I suck.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-10 14:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-10 14:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My simple partner was right. I followed Fred down the hall. When he opened the door my senses were assaulted by a horrible concoction of smells...but I was used to it. Nothing to clear up the sinuses like the combination of old Chinese food, Indian, pizza, and ass...dead ass.
"Fuck, I can taste it in my mouth!"
---------------------------------------
After three years around here, you'd think I would know better than to browse Uber while eating my lunch. Fantastic. Now this hummus and broccoli tastes like dead ass.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-09-10 11:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i meant the point of the post. what really happened to the kid? what's the deal with the parents? does that cop really care? i don't know, but i wanted more...
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-10 10:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-10 06:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
cortex..
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-09-10 04:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The middle was nice, in terms of description and that, but the wossname... other character... the dude who wasn't the narrator only really started to come alive and have a personality at the end, but, like, that's coo' 'cause what can you do, man?
It'd be good to see them as sort of recurring characters sitting in diners and doing the whole "lay-philosophers from the 20th century sitting in an diner watching kids trade digimon cards and talking about Tragic the Gathering and shit" routine.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-10 03:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What was the point? For someone like me, who is more of a "casual poster" (in the sense that I know before I post when a story is mediocre, or halfway decent, but I post it either way), I don't really need a reason to post.
My reasons for writing at all, ever, are that I'm incredibly bored. So, I post them on über, for a source of entertainment.
That's all.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-09-10 01:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
pretty good...but what was the point, if any? just sayin.