UGR - I Like Standing Rigid (625 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.93 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2007-09-11 09:37:03 EDT
I like Standing Rigid
How do you spend everyday for a year with someone and then suddenly decide they no longer exist? How do you decide that someone you claimed to love and care for is now less than nothing, not even to be acknowledged? As I see it this as quite possibly the most hurtful she could be to me but why would she treat me so? What have I done to deserve this?
Relationships are so incredibly fragile. Even relationships that seem to be perfect teeter on the edge of destruction, waiting to totter off at the smallest indiscretion. Are people really meant to be monogamous? Are people really cut out to make any sort of commitment to any other person in this world, a commitment to another imperfect person who may see the biggest and smallest things in life so differently from you that when you disagree on something you find yourself wondering if you ever really knew the other person?
For my part, a hopeless romantic who is willing to make such a commitment, I do believe it to be not only possible but necessary to commit in such a way in order to sustain a relationship beyond the infatuation stage. The divorce rate is insanely high in this country, relationships come and go quickly and seemingly without reason, and still I think there has to be someone who would rather spend their lives with someone they can believe in, someone they can trust, someone they can love, rather than constantly chase after the next best thing. The thing is, if you find something that makes you happy and content and then continue looking will you ever actually find what you're looking for? It seems to me if you're unable to stop looking then no matter how many times you get lucky enough to find a fulfilling relationship that it will never be enough. If you're unable to stop looking it will never be enough because you can always find something that's just a little more entertaining, or requires less work, or involves someone more attractive, or more successful, or more exciting.
I don't think the constant searcher really looks at it like that though. The new person may actually be less attractive, less successful, less exciting but still it's something different and in its own way this is all that's required to make it exciting and worthwhile. Never mind that the searcher may have had everything they were looking for, someone who loves them, who cares for them, who does all in their power to make every day wonderful and exciting. The searcher will be willing to throw it all away even while professing their love for that person because they just can't actually see what they have. They're so busy looking at the horizon to see if there's something else worth pursuing that they're unable to see that which is right in front of them, holding them, embracing them. The searcher is so busy searching that they don't know how to live in the now and enjoy and savor what they have, instead they're always casting for the next bit of excitement, the next great catch.
And then you have me. Standing firm in all that I believe and knowing in my heart that this is who I am and that it is something fundamental to my character that cannot be changed. I love easily and with all my heart and don't know how to hold back to protect myself. I'm faithful and steadfast and always reliable. I'm adventurous and active and like to do new things in the interest of keeping things exciting. And again, I love wholeheartedly without reserve and am willing to do anything in my power to see the person I love be happy, successful, and at peace.
Where does that get me? I have all of those qualities and as much as I'd like to be able to throw them away and live the life of the asshole I just can't seem to do it. I've tried and it caused me more stress and grief than it was worth. Ultimately it was unfulfilling and empty and more painful to try to discard my true self to live this way than it is to accept the heartache that comes with loving without reserve and having that love discarded. How is that possible?! How can it be?! The heartache is unbearable! But, living against your true nature is ten times worse, everything becomes cheap and disgusting and disposable. Everything loses its value. Everything becomes empty and unsatisfying.
So what? You ask. What is the point of this?
Well, I'll tell you. I loved a woman more than I've loved any other in this life. I loved her as I love, without reserve and wholeheartedly. We spent everyday for a year together and it was easy, always exciting, always comfortable, and very fulfilling. We fought every now and then but it was always stupid things, the simple argument fodder any relationship encounters. We talked often of our feelings for each other and subsequently our plans for the future and in nearly every facet we seemed to be on the same page, maybe our timelines didn't quite match but it seemed all else did.
And then, suddenly, it all changed. Two weeks ago we spent the night together and everything seemed as it always had, so comfortable, so easy, so right. And then?, nothing. I no longer exist. I've been wiped from her world and apparently do not deserve any explanation. The thing is, having loved this person as I have I am left feeling like less than nothing. I am left feeling cheap, dirty, and wholly despicable as though there's something wrong with me. How can you treat someone you once claimed to love and care for as though they no longer exist? How can you discard someone who would do anything they could for you without explanation? And so I end up angry and I begin to hate the very person I loved more than any other in my life and this hurts me more. It hurts to hate her because I loved her and I am not a person who hates. It hurts to be angry because she broke the promises she made to me and betrayed that which she professed to be so happy with. It hurts that this person I loved so much will not, can not, or refuses to return my love. More than anything it hurts that this person promised that she would tell me if she was unhappy in any way before leaving altogether. Instead she's apparently decided that it's easier to just erase me from her world than tell me what happened. The sad part of that is that I think we could have continued the friendship we shared, given time, if she had just talked to me and let me know she did not want to continue the romantic relationship. It still would have hurt but not like this. I still may have had anger but at least I wouldn't have had a reason to feel hatred toward her. This erasure has torn me apart. I need to find a way to heal.
I will heal and move on. I will be the same person I always have been and I know that because I like standing rigid, believing in myself, believing in my character. I am who I am and not even this pain will change that. Life goes on and so will I and I'll continue to hope that I will meet someone who can recognize what they have, can embrace the feelings they have instead of being scared by them. When the time is right I will be right because I like standing rigid and believe in my character, because I believe in who I am.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-14 10:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-14 10:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i suck at life.
===
Untrue. Stop saying that.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-09-14 10:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-09-13 19:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-13 19:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The raw emotion you've shared here is really touching. We are very much alike in some ways.
"I have all of those qualities and as much as I'd like to be able to throw them away and live the life of the asshole I just can't seem to do it."
And you never, ever should. Because it's really hard to find someone you're compatible with, who can also say
"I love easily and with all my heart and don't know how to hold back to protect myself. I'm faithful and steadfast and always reliable. I'm adventurous and active and like to do new things in the interest of keeping things exciting. And again, I love wholeheartedly without reserve and am willing to do anything in my power to see the person I love be happy, successful, and at peace."
I hope you find peace, either with her someday, or with the next person you're brave enough to share your heart with.
Never change. It's a heartbreakingly beautiful way to be.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-11 14:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-09-11 13:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oddly, timing wise, I'm going through the same - but with a friendship rather than a romantic relationship.
Submitted by Surgeon (user info) at 2007-09-11 13:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
conchotome..
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-09-11 13:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-09-11 13:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
</3
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-11 11:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i was just going to let it stand on its own... but yeah, i am going through this. fuck my blog post whatever.
Drogo, i understand what you're saying and actually have felt very much like that in the past but that's just one more thing that made this relationship so easy. I never felt like i needed o get away or have seperate time and she rarely expressed a need for it either. instead we shared our friends and family and did everything together. it was a ton of fun and easily the best year in my life. She has stopped talking to her friends and, last i knew anyway, her family too. I worry about her and still care about her but don't know what else I can do short of becoming a stalker and frankly I deserve better than this. Not really looking to resume this relationship, i mean obviosuly there's a part of me that would love to be able to... but what I really would like is just a little closure. this erasure of all we shared just makes me question everything, did she ever actually love me? was anything she ever said true? At this point I kind of doubt I'll ever find out.
Thing is this seems so incredibly out of character for this person, all of it, the whole situation. I hope she figures her shit out and ends up happy in life.
Oh well, it is what it is. can't change it? time to figure out how to move on.
--
You'll get there chap we all get there eventually.
Go find your friends and buy them drinks and let them tell you what a fool you have been whilst really thinking how great it is to have you back in the fold.
Some women, and men, dont need an excuse to hurt people they just do without thinking. It's a lesson that took me a few times to learn.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-11 11:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a mountain?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-11 11:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i am a rock.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
looking back on my situation it almost seems unreal, like a dream. All in all I'm glad things didn't get that far, I'm better off where I always was.
Strictly speaking on the pain, I understand what you feel and I thought I would never get over it, but people heal and you will.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Insane amounts of truth in your self-discovery here....
I've been down this road myself, but on the other side of the fence...and I would give everything I have to be able to retract the damage that I did by taking what I had for granted and stupidly searching for something better. A wall of trust built over years can be destroyed by a single well-placed mortar round.
Granted, time is healing our wounds and the trust is being rebuilt, but reconstructing that wall is a slow process. The important thing is to make it even sturdier this time around than the first time.
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awwwwwwwwwww, the sweetest thing *gulps*
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
do ghey panda's dress better? maybe thier markings are arranged just a little too neatly? Can you have ghey panda's? I mean that's a species in danger of extinction as i recall and it seems nature wouldn't allow homo panda's in order to ensure the propagation of the species.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is something very, very wrong with me today...
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har!
*Ghey Panda Dance*
Does my opulence shock you?
*Ghey Panda Dance*
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i was just going to let it stand on its own... but yeah, i am going through this. fuck my blog post whatever.
Drogo, i understand what you're saying and actually have felt very much like that in the past but that's just one more thing that made this relationship so easy. I never felt like i needed o get away or have seperate time and she rarely expressed a need for it either. instead we shared our friends and family and did everything together. it was a ton of fun and easily the best year in my life. She has stopped talking to her friends and, last i knew anyway, her family too. I worry about her and still care about her but don't know what else I can do short of becoming a stalker and frankly I deserve better than this. Not really looking to resume this relationship, i mean obviosuly there's a part of me that would love to be able to... but what I really would like is just a little closure. this erasure of all we shared just makes me question everything, did she ever actually love me? was anything she ever said true? At this point I kind of doubt I'll ever find out.
Thing is this seems so incredibly out of character for this person, all of it, the whole situation. I hope she figures her shit out and ends up happy in life.
Oh well, it is what it is. can't change it? time to figure out how to move on.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm feeling a little pithy today.
Still, this was quite...heart-felt.
Things'll get better.
Time wounds all heals, and all that.
Here, I'l do my Ghey Panda Dance to cheer you up.
*Ghey Panda Dance Ghey Panda Dance*
There...Feel better now?
--
"Mummy! Why is the Panda doing that to the other Panda? It's scaring me."
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm feeling a little pithy today.
Still, this was quite...heart-felt.
Things'll get better.
Time wounds all heals, and all that.
Here, I'l do my Ghey Panda Dance to cheer you up.
*Ghey Panda Dance Ghey Panda Dance*
There...Feel better now?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Touching, I feel I am similar in many ways. This one line I think may have the answer to the problem
"We spent everyday for a year together "
I have tried that in the past and ended up pushing so many people away, friends and family, that by the time i came out of the relationship I had to work very hard to get people back.
Everyone in relationships need space to themselves every now and again, dont see it as a bad thing because it is actually healthy. people need their own friends to shoot the shit with.
Still, there is no one solution for all.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-09-11 10:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Totaly understand.
It's a pain worse than Hell itself, but You will heal.
I did.
linkwhore
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82068
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-11 09:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha.... awsome.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-11 09:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a solution to your misery.
Buy a gallon of Cuervo,
an 8 ball of cocaine,
and 2 Thai hookers named Trin and Yi,
Don't leave your apartment for an entire weekend.
You'll feel better, trust me.