My first attempt at fiction, and introduction to uber (312 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -1.14 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nathan <dgateusil.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2007-09-11 19:26:04 EDT
I'm not sure where to start...But I will do my best. So you know where I come from and to confirm my story I will start with a quick history.
I, Aserial Marian, was born to a Magi family. My father was a runemage of water and he is a very strict Anrita (a prideful group of humans who live in the mountains). My father is an Anrita that believes in rules above all else. He had a good heart, but if I stepped out of line he was quick to let me know it. My mother controlled the element of earth. It's fitting that she controlled such an element in the fact that she worried about protecting me more than anything. She was always watching after me and wanted the best for me. My family was never really proud of me, for I wasn't very interested in magic. I let my family down because I couldn't control any elements and I really had no interest in doing so. I have always enjoyed the History of our people, and the rich past that I inherit. I spent most of my life writing stories, poems, and songs about the past, mostly about the great Anrita mages of the past. This was mostly to satisfy my parents as much as they would allow, and to receive what little blessing they bestowed.
As I was doing some research in an old abandoned cabin searching for a muse to go with my latest song, I came across a story of one Anrita that was an outcast to the clan. This outcast was never to be spoken of or even thought about without the consequence of death. The story I had found told of a time when the Anrita joined several other tribes from the area to trap this one pour soul forever. The tribes banned him from this realm of existence through means of magic and ritual with no way to return. The only reason he was so feared is because he had found a power that no one understood and that no one could match. He was a peaceful man who lived his live in solitary yet he had found a power greater than the oldest of the Anrita Magi, and more deadly than the swiftest shadow wielders. This power he found was in his music. The unknown outcast could control minds, tremble the earth, and make any element follow his will through a simple song. I could find little else about this unknown Anrita, save a sketch of the mark that he bore on his forehead. After finding this information I went searching for more knowledge.
After many years of searching I finally came to a small tribe on the outskirts of the plateau. One named Lanian the Crazy lived here, and his ramblings were popular among the village. He was named this for obvious reasons known to everyone but himself. Lanian, as crazy as he was, explained to me that the markings were nothing more than a name. I did not know if I should waste my time on a fool such as him, but I was at the end of my lead and had nowhere else to turn, so I decided to give him a chance. He studied the marking for the shortest of time. He took his old, crippled hand and reached up to touch my forehead. As I stepped back, he mumbled and I could not make out what he said; then he looked at me square in the eyes and spoke loud and clear the name Crianso as he fashioned a slight smirk on his face. At the mere utterance of this name, I felt a great power rushing through me! It was at this time I knew that the name Crianso belonged to no other but myself! It was my destiny, and my curse, to be the body Crianso shall become!
As I heard a song that I didn't recognize humming in my head, I felt a severe burning sensation on my forehead. I fell to the floor weak, writhing in pain and screaming at the top of my lungs. All of my commotion and screams of agony could not be heard by my own ears, for all I could hear was the simple humming of the song I had never heard before. I had enough strength to regain myself, and so I am starting this letter...
Now my time is short, so I will get to the point of this letter. I cannot control myself anymore! You must warn my family and the Anrita. You must bring them this letter! Crianso has consumed me almost completely now and I have just enough strength to warn anyone who walks upon this letter to the secret to my own demise. The reason I would share this is Crianso is no longer a simple musician wishing to be left alone, but now he is filled with thoughts of revenge, hate, and domination. There is only one way to destroy me, for as you can see trapping Crianso...me...whoever I am...Whoever I will become...is not enough. You must find my s
User Reviews
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to uber... put on your helmet and try not to suck.
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Put your knee pads on because you are going to have to do some serious cock sucking to get any kind of credibility or positive review posting a block of confusing text like this. Not bad ideas.
I did not use my own advise. As a result my knees hurt. Kneepads.
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Check it out, I can make up gibberish too:
My dad was a flarnejigger of crappenpoop, and he controlled the rin plop niner. We used to love playing froccer among the mamnam trees, and frolicking to and fro in the horsepaulbag, and so on and so forth...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that this was unreadable.
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BWAHAHAHA! I'm your newest fan Jeanee. But yes this was shit, probably better than my fizzled attempts to write something entertaining.
I got destroyed with -2's.
Some little scamp gave me -1, bless you sir.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
well hopefully it'll be your last too. sorry kid, this sucked.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-09-11 19:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Something constructive.... Ahhh, let's see...
4. Learn to die
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HAHAHAAHAH
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The 90's called. They want their crappy Terry Brooks novel back.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This wasn't good. At all.
It really doesn't flow very well and the formatting is terrible. I would suggest re-writing it and most especially post it again tomorrow under a different fucking title.
Welcome to uber... put on your helmet and try not to suck.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Check it out, I can make up gibberish too:
My dad was a flarnejigger of crappenpoop, and he controlled the rin plop niner. We used to love playing froccer among the mamnam trees, and frolicking to and fro in the horsepaulbag, and so on and so forth...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that this was unreadable.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
giant blox o' text!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:29:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nathan, if you want to make friends around here, and it appears that your writing isn't going to do that for you, I'd advise you to darg your incredibly wimpy ass over to http://www.ubersite.com/m/111636 and +2 me until your fingers bleed.
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Enter/Return.
Locate it.
Learn it.
Love it.
Also, if you are going to cut/paste, get the whole thing.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-09-11 19:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, but I couldn't read it. Like mentioned below, it's an impenetrable wall of words. Comprehension doesn't stand a chance of breaking through.
Plus, from what I can gather, it reads like some kind of novelized role-playing game. I can't really critique (or read) that stuff, other than on a grammatical level (and, Lord, was there some work to do).
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-09-11 19:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Practically unreadable. Also, it appears as though you screwed up a cut/paste from another program (look at the last sentence). Reformat and repost, and perhaps this will go better. As to the content, well, don't expect an enthusiastic response.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-11 19:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy chunk of text Batman!
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-09-11 19:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
first thing is BIG BLOCK O TEXT
indent please
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-09-11 19:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Something constructive.... Ahhh, let's see...
1. Learn to spell
2. Learn to Grammar
3. Learn to paragraph
4. Learn to die
5. Don't plagiarise
6. Start with 4 and work your way from there
Submitted by creman (user info) at 2007-09-11 19:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
please be honest with your comments. I want suggestions, etc. I wish to become better, I know I have alot of work. So please point me in the most immediate areas that I need to pay attention to