UGR- Show Me Your Hole (or I will) (4379 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.35 on 137 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ShlongyHatesContests (View user info) at 2007-09-11 20:13:43 EDT
Well, I think it comes as no surprise; at least it doesn't to THIS neutral observer - but Shlongy, the "pre-UGR Tournament Favorite" accoring to, ummmmmmmm, me, has advanced to Round 3 (or is this Round 4?) of this silly "writing" competition.
To be 100% completely honest, I STILL have no idea what UGR stands for, but apparently, I'm pretty good at it. But let's face the facts. Shlongy is "pretty good" at just about anything that doesn't involve gay man sex.
But I could be if I was into that kind of thing. Like kaelic.
PS. And Caul.
Alright, back to my story.
Many people have asked me, "Shlongy, where did you come up with the incredibly poignant and utterly hilarious and easy to type expression "Show me your hole"?"
OK, one of you asked.
Or, maybe it was none of you.
WHATever.
I first bellowed "Show me your hole" back in 1970. Shlongy was 10 years old and amazingly, still a virgin in fifth grade.
I'm not sure I knew WHAT a virgin was, what "virginity" was and what would happen if I "lost" it, but I could spell it because I was brilliant, even back then, and by golly, Ms. Murtaugh, or whatever the hell her name was, was a pretty good reason to try. She was smokin'. I might STILL have her in my spank bank, if I hadn't lost so many brain cells due to booze, dope, masturbation, gas, dope, memory loss, dope, etc.
Anyway, I was up in front of the class giving some kind of oral report - I think it was on the reproductive cells of the salt water crustacean and its effect on the American League pennant race - when I noticed that the kids in class were laughing...only THIS time, it wasn't because some teacher was grabbing me by the ear and dragging me out of class for being a wiseass and sending me down to the principals' office.
Yes, that was a weekly occurance but it was well worth the laughs.
Nope...not this time. This time...
MY FLY WAS DOWN.
Now granted, I used to do that on purpose - I STILL do because it's an effective way to strike up a conversation with chicks:
i.e. Chick- "Did you know your fly is down, dipshit?" Shlongy - "Yes I did...would you care to shine my knob"? Try it, it works, kids - but apparently, I had forgotten all about it because I smoked a couple of doobies on the school bus ride on the way into school that morning and you know what THAT does to short term memory, even to 5th graders. Also, having dope on the bus enabled me to feel up Julie Yeager and her great fifth grade tits on the back of the bus on almost a daily basis.
So, as I grew up, that saying AND "Shine My Knob" became part of my usual arsenal of witty retorts and ways to get out of any long-term conversations and relationships.
Oops, I got off my point....too much weed TODAY, evidently.
Awwww, fuck it, that fifth grade story ended without me getting laid so FUCK it.
In addition to "Shine my knob", and "Show me your hole", another hilarious - to me - thing I like to randomly say to broads is "beaver". Anyone that's ever met Shlongy knows I use this expression even more than I use age-old everyday expressions like "Good morning" or "Thank you" or "Drive Through".
I am not lying when I say that this is a TREMENDOUS "ice breaker" with the chicks.
I'll give you an example on HOW to use "Beaver".
Say, you're walking down the street...laying on the beach...strolling an aisle at the supermarket, and a hot looking piece of ass walks by. You just stare at the traffic sign, the ocean, or the Heinz Ketchup ("Buy One, Get One Free") and calmly say, loud enough for her, and your girlfriend or wife to hear, "BEAVER".
You would be amazed at the reaction you'll get. I swear, I've gotten phone numbers using this 100% Guaranteed method of scoring with broads.
I take it up a notch, though. Let's say, I see a hot mom walking by- I'll say "Mommy Beave"- this is actually what I'll say the first time I meet MANICMOTHER, for example.
A mom and her hot daughter walking by? "Combo platter" instead of "mommy-daughter beave".
Hot black chick? "Chocolate Beave".
Asian cutie? "Oriental beave".
These are my mainstays but the possibilities, as you can see, are endless. Take my advice and add these expressions to your day-to-day vernacular and you'll be pulling more broads than you know what to do with.
If you DO happen to have too many, please feel free to give them my email address.
Speaking of endless, let me tell you one of my favorite stories about using "Shine My Knob", which, by the way, is the greeting I believe I used the first time I met TigerLilly...and she did not disappoint.
I was at an AHL Hockey Game back in the early 90's...me and the boys loaded up a van and hit the road to Binghamton, NY to catch an Amerk-Whaler game.
Sitting about 15 rows up and concentrating on the action on the ice during play, while everyone else was yelling "Kill him" or "would somebody puhLEASE hit somebody", or "fuck off, I'll kill you, asshole", there was a sudden burst of silence where I stood up and yelled "SHINE MY KNOB", for which I received a standing ovation, a lot of laughs and applause, three phone numbers (TWO from broads!) and a hummer between periods in a janitors closet.
I've been yelling that in inappropriate times and places for years now, and it never fails.
I realize that this post makes little or no sense but I felt like I had to include some content WITH this awesome picture or I would certainly lose during this, Round 9 of URG.
OK, now on to my story.
Hold on: Here goes.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
The end.
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-15 11:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
karma is such a bitch!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-05-15 10:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is honestly the hardest I've laughed for a very long time.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-27 12:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CONTEST WINNER...NO NEED TO COMPETE FOR ANYONE ELSE.
Submitted by RestrictionsApply (user info) at 2008-10-21 22:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-24 21:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Who's the new Uber-Stalker?
Submitted by Shadecaster (user info) at 2008-07-24 17:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Schlongy you fag.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-24 20:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See? There's one now.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-24 20:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd hit it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-24 19:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's it? "Wow"?
There's a lot better compliments available to leave that THAT, for chrissakes.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-24 19:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wow
Submitted by sadie73 (user info) at 2007-12-30 13:40:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-11-07 23:40:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-10 08:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Get back in your double-wide and pick up the bottles and cans, dickhead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-06 19:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Left cheek needs more slapping.
Dipshit.
*****
OK.I got back. Dipshit.
:)
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-10-10 08:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Get back in your double-wide and pick up the bottles and cans, dickhead.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-10-06 19:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Left cheek needs more slapping.
Dipshit.
Submitted by pshuu (user info) at 2007-09-27 11:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the "Romance" tag. You also have a cute ass. Did you spank it yourself or did you pay a hobo a $1? ^_^
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-19 13:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't mind if I use THAT one, Mommy Beave.....
Back to back posts with MANIC mentions from Shlongy.
And you always thought that I didn't care...
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-09-19 13:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had asked the husband, a man that believes that a good grope is the perfect way to say "I love you", to come up with something a little more romantic once and awhile. He looked me dead in the eye and smiled. "I love your hot nipples" was what came out of his mouth. After reading this post I somehow get the feeling the two of you would get along famously.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-18 14:30:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
....................,-~*'`¯lllllll`*~,
..............,-~*`lllllllllllllllllllllllllll¯`*-,
.........,-~*llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll*-,
......,-*llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.\
....;*`lllllllllllllllllllllllllll,-~*~-,llllllllllllllllllll\
.....\lllllllllllllllllllllllllll/.........\;;;;llllllllllll,-`~-,
......\lllllllllllllllllllll,-*...........`~-~-,...(.(¯`*,`,
.......\llllllllllll,-~*.....................)_-\..*`*;..)
........\,-*`¯,*`)............,-~*`~................/
.........|/.../.../~,......-~*,-~*`;................/.\
......../.../.../.../..,-,..*~,.`*~*................*...\
.......|.../.../.../.*`...\...........................)....)¯`~,
.......|./.../..../.......)......,.)`*~-,............/....|..)...`~-,
.....././.../...,*`-,.....`-,...*`....,---......\..../...../..|.........¯```*~-
......(..........)`*~-,....`*`.,-~*.,-*......|.../..../.../............\
.......*-,.......`*-,...`~,..``.,,,-*..........|.,*...,*...|......\
..........*,.........`-,...)-,..............,-*`...,-*....(`-,............
Submitted by ameelius (user info) at 2007-09-18 11:07:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sexy
x
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-17 13:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
But SHLONGY is a ratings expert - based on something like 100,000 reviews - and doesn't NEED to read the posts or the reviews.
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-09-17 13:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What's the fun in that? You never do...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-09-17 13:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DEAR LORD NO NO NO
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-17 12:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YEAH...THAT'S IT, STEPH!!!
read the fucking post and reviews, you vapid cunt.
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2007-09-17 12:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your boyfriend get a little rough?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-17 12:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Her fifth grade titties weren't real "common", either.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-09-17 12:08:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeager is not a common name.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-17 11:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
They are of the "store bought" variety.
Low Country Plastic Surgery.
They defy gravity.
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-17 11:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-14 08:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mrs. Shlongy has tiny hands so it must be the camera.
She DOES, however, have mammoth tits.
=========
In what way? Were they once a dominant presence and have now fallen to extinction?
or are they big hairy balls of pleasure fuzz?
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2007-09-17 10:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok i laughed
reviews were funny too.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-14 08:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mrs. Shlongy has tiny hands so it must be the camera.
She DOES, however, have mammoth tits.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-09-14 05:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bullshit! Caul could so out gay man sex you! He's the kind of guy that'd give a reach-around and well thats just nice. You though...you probably try to use vasaline or some lame lube. Newb!
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-09-13 22:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know Shlongy... that handprint looks a little big to be a woman's
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-13 09:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NO I'm NOT!
SHLONGY IS A WINNER!
Submitted by Jacque (user info) at 2007-09-13 07:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are a waste of life...
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2007-09-13 02:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll show you my hole.
EVERYBODY WINS!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-12 19:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-09-12 19:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
spank bank has again been filled.
---
SPEAKING of spanking...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111642
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-09-12 19:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
spank bank has again been filled.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-12 17:58:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Firefly killed my momentum, apparently.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2007-09-12 16:11:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-12 14:23:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No shit...I hate bandwagons almost as much as I hate contests.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2007-09-12 14:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good God I hope this doesn't turn into a bandwagon...
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-09-12 12:32:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
oh dear
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-09-12 11:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Show me your hole is such a Cliche...
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2007-09-12 11:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-12 10:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
buahauahauahahahahaha...
No, I'm afraid he missed this party.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-09-12 10:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, life as seen from Nitty's POV.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-12 10:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apparently, I CAN'T DO THAT without the "NSFW" tag line.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice ass. But you really should have shown us some hole.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is totally safe for work...it's an ass...BFD.
It's not like I'm inserting a scotch bottle up my sphincter or posting my colonoscopy xrays.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:28:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:50:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes much older than you
it's wierd to try to picture my grandmother perusing uber. wierd and wrong and scary.
i too could have happily gone my whole life without ever seeing your ass shlong.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-09-12 09:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile. Did they miss the cheek a few times before getting the hand print right?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-12 08:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-12 08:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Banning? For what?
---------------------
For failure to include the NSFW, chodejockey. Doesn't bother me at my job, but surely someone else will get all flustered about it.
Eh...on second go-around I will admit, this isn't your WORST post by far, so I'll up my rating to a 0. I still could have lived without ever seeing your bare ass, though.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-12 08:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Banning? For what?
Shut the fuck up, Thorns.
I'M the one that does the banning around here.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-12 08:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Enjoy your banning, peniswrinkle.
Submitted by zwerg (user info) at 2007-09-12 08:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Um...there are no words
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-09-12 08:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 you want, -2 you shall receive. Wait, wrong 2?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-12 08:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow...I'm all broken up over the -1.
WHAT CAN I DO TO TURN IT INTO A +2?
Never mind.
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-09-12 07:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
F.Y.I. This would have been a +2 if you didn't show me your ass and cassock fluff.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-09-12 07:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
umm....what?!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-12 07:48:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tell me something I DON'T know.
Exercise is tiring.
Submitted by ShapeShifter (user info) at 2007-09-12 07:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Jesus Christ...do a few fucking sit ups you spare tire wielding fuck tart. You should have had your dog finish this post while you were doing some calisthenics.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-12 07:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-09-12 05:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You have no hair on your arse
Ummmm, that's a plus, around these parts, or so I've been told.
Submitted by RabiedRooster (user info) at 2007-09-12 05:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You have no hair on your arse
Submitted by TechnoRatty (user info) at 2007-09-12 05:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha.. are you a a male lesbian?
would be better with the addition of some full frontal nutity!!
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-09-12 05:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh god for christs sake... thats something i could have lived many happy years without seeing.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-09-12 04:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This could be the greatest post of all time.
B@W, come on Bart!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-12 04:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111642
Submitted by ameelius (user info) at 2007-09-12 04:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Squirts*
I LOVE YOU SHLONGY
(Sorry Jacque)
Submitted by Natures_Biggest_Mistake (user info) at 2007-09-12 04:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can blow a bubble with my bum bum bum!
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-09-12 03:33:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is all kinds of awesome
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-09-12 03:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Shlongy was 10 years old and amazingly, still a virgin in fifth grade."
Bullshit, he was.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-09-12 02:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH MY GOD IT'S SHLOONGY'S BARE ASS.
~~~~
Brilliant!
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-09-12 02:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:36:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My roommate walked in just as I scrolled to where the photo was.
He's convinced I'm gay and a member of NAMBLA, now.
+2 for him going out to buy a lock for his door.
----------------------------
So, you're a little kid?
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-09-12 02:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-09-12 01:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.mangems.com/
(NSFM)
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-09-12 00:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He The game's about to start
***
my smokes won even though the umpire tried to throw the game with that non-strike call
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is all kinds of awesome
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Certainly unexpected.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I never heard that before BOB, and it was pretty fucking funny.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.dellfargus.com/MemoryLane.mp3
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well, I'm through for the evening but with any luck, "Europe" will see to it that this post reaches number 1 in "heat" and overtakes my alter-groupie for the top spot.
I'd hate to waste my ass shot on a NON Most Heated post.
YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT CROWD...FEEL FREE TO STICK AROUND AND HIT ON EACH OTHER HERE...G'NIGHT!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Everybody" but Shlongy, jeanneee...everybody but Shlongy.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enough with the "you're gay, no YOU'RE gay" slap-fights. Everyone's a little bit gay, so why don't we all take a page from Caulaincourt and deal with it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't believe that gaelic (typo here) gave me a -2, after I immortalized him in this post (paragraph 5, line number 1)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:20:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By the looks of it, I may have blown the proverbial LOAD on THIS round.
I don't think I have anything left in the vault to top this masterpiece.
**********
Lyin' fuckstick!!! Shlong, ya got shit real people haven't ever thought of yet.
When I can get back to Uber on a regular basis, I will give you a ration of shit.
Until then, keep on keeping on with what you do so well. Take care, youngster. . .
Submitted by jamowilly40 (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed at least 3 times.
So, as much of a shirtlifting poofter Shlongy is, I cannot withhold my +2.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:19:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are the gayest of the gay no matter what you do, be it sucking a complete stranger off at the bus station or just molesting little kids that wander to close to your shack on the golf course.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:17:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh no...apparently, I opened up a whole new can of worms with this.
BART, PLEASE TAKE DOWN THIS POST. I DIDN'T MEAN TO POST THIS PICTURE.
(But wait until after I win this round)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the new goatse
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've already photoshopped a dick going in your ass.
i like using the word beaver.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By the looks of it, I may have blown the proverbial LOAD on THIS round.
I don't think I have anything left in the vault to top this masterpiece.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this shit was funny.
remember, i get half of the million bucks when you win.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:11:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-11 22:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Bubba. Glad you're back. I find out what happened to you later. The game's about to start.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LUNGER!!!! Another cool dude. . . . . . . .
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:40:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The math: bald head + fat butt = +2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT THE FUCK DOES LEMON PARTY HAVE TO DO WITH UGR???
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:36:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My roommate walked in just as I scrolled to where the photo was.
He's convinced I'm gay and a member of NAMBLA, now.
+2 for him going out to buy a lock for his door.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rob, my life has turned to shit. Still outdoes da Shlong, though. heh.
Really, I wish I had the time to come back on a regular basis, but it still isn't
in the cards. Maybe someday. . .
So, Robbie, how you been??
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WAIT???
There's someone on Uber OLDER THAN SHLONGY???
Robin, get me bart on the batphone...we have trouble in paradise.
*******
Lots of us are older than you. And better looking, better hung, more intelligent, richer,
etc.
Actually, young man, this is one of the best posts you've ever done.
Did I say that? wow.
---
BUBBA!
Good to see ya, fella - where ya been hiding?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH MY GOD IT'S SHLOONGY'S BARE ASS.
I didn't read the post, nor do I intend to.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WAIT???
There's someone on Uber OLDER THAN SHLONGY???
Robin, get me bart on the batphone...we have trouble in paradise.
*******
Lots of us are older than you. And better looking, better hung, more intelligent, richer,
etc.
Actually, young man, this is one of the best posts you've ever done.
Did I say that? wow.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I only rated the picture before. By very definition, it appears to be a hot piece of ass. And while I DID wait to read the post until AFTER I got high, I will say that I laughed my ass off to such lines as "and ways to get out of any long-term conversations and relationships."
Also, I HATE the use of 'beaver' as a euphemism, but 'beave' makes me laugh- only when YOU say it though. 'Hole,' I like.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How? Why?
When we were out in the Sonoma Valley for Mrs. Shlongy's birthday week, we rented this big house right in the wine valley- actually, TWO houses - and we had anywhere from 10-15 people staying with us at any given time.
We had this huge patio overlooking the wineries...the pool...the hot tub...and spent most of our time in the early evening sitting around getting hammered.
I think someone said something to me...In response, I "mooned" the guests, and Mrs. Shlongy came up and gave me a spank.
She left a semi handprint on my pale-white, yet, firm ass cheeks, and so I requested she keep doing it until we got a good handprint as I was already thinking "Photo Opportunity" for People magazine.
Well, they declined, so Uber got it.
What, that's not obvious???
Submitted by DangerPants (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'M BLIND!!!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:08:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
prediction: this will be Uber's most photoshopped image of 2008.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH
MY
FUCKING
GOD
++++++++++
Why is there a hand print on your tookus? Better yet----how?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I am positively rating some rambling and a photo of a spanked manass that is (only a few months but still) older than my unspanked manass.
*pours Appleton 12 into a tall glass with lime, tries to forget*
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-09-11 21:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BTW, that's Mrs. Shlongy's hand print.
--
Okay, I admit it, I laughed hard.
Not HARD hard.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are the Juan Antonio Samaranch of the Gay olympics, asswipe. Don't fucking lie to me.
Other than that, I hope you win because God knows I would have if I hadn't forfeited in the first round.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:50:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes much older than you
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WAIT???
There's someone on Uber OLDER THAN SHLONGY???
Robin, get me bart on the batphone...we have trouble in paradise.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am older than you best butt I have seen in a bit !
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh, go figure
That's because you READ it before you rated it...nothing to be ashamed of there, Sparky. You either have good taste or brains.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:46:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Uniter- I'm going to put together a collection of my Uber "Sort Stories" and get them published.
I bet they sell more than Jack's book sells.
======
I'll give you that one.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh, go figure
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:44:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Don't get me wrong, contest shenanigans can also be entertaining. "
Truer words were never spoken.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Uniter- I'm going to put together a collection of my Uber "Sort Stories" and get them published.
I bet they sell more than Jack's book sells.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
By the way Shlongy, if someone were to actually brag about how they won one of these things, I would think it was silly. Also, retarded.
But...there's been a few pretty good short stories due to the contest forcing people to actually write (sometimes).
Anyways, in that respect, the contests are good.
Don't get me wrong, contest shenanigans can also be entertaining.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NO IT HASN'T!
We took about 8 takes to get the hand print just right...and "suitable for framing".
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hand print aside, it still looks like something else has been tampered with back there
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy was walking down the street one day and ran into an old friend he hadn't seen for several years.
They were standing there, catching up on old times, when a woman walked by.
Shlongy suddenly turned away from his friend and said to the woman "Show me your hole."
Horrified, she slapped his face and continued angrily on her way.
Then Shlongy, much to his friend's surprise, went right back to their conversation as if nothing had happened.
After a couple of minutes, another woman walked by, and Shlongy once more broke off mid-sentence, turned to the woman, and said "Show me your hole."
Again, the woman slapped him and stode away indignantly.
Shlongy went right back to the conversation, again without explanation, again to the amazement of his friend.
When it happened a third time, Shlongy's friend could no longer contain his curiosity.
"Shlongy," he said, "I can't believe you do that. You must get your face slapped a lot."
"Yes, I do," Shlongy replied, "but you'd be surprised how much hole I see."
The moral to the story: Even if what you create is shit, keep at it and eventually you'll find an audience retarded enough to applaud.
And this is why Shlongy will never leave uber.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH
MY
FUCKING
GOD
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I guess you're pretty lucky I bailed.
Have a pity +2.
I'M lucky???
Didn't you read this?
bauahauahauahauahahahahah This is no worse than my last 71 posts.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, the fans have been calling for this one, and I could only hold out for so long....
I may come up with one of me on the hopper reading Sports Illustrated for the next round if I can get Mrs. Shlongy to cooperate on this "photo op".
Submitted by DeadToast (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I guess you're pretty lucky I bailed.
Have a pity +2.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ha, makes sense, however, the rating stands.
I am kind of sad you posted a picture of your ass before I could do my ass-camwhore.
Now I can't do it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I feel bad about the mid-section "roll of fat".
It's an age thing but also a "lack of exercise" thing as I'm STILL using the broken shoulder from February excuse as a reason to NOT GET INTO THE GYM in the last 7 months.
You're right though...it is brutal.
Fortunately, when I'm lying on my back and some broad is jumping up and down on Shlongy Jr., it is NOT noticeable.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Jesus, you need to be introduced to <i>italics</i>.
<i>If you put these things around words/sentences, something called "italics" will happen</i>
Or is the capitalization thing in it's place part of your charm?
I'd give a +2 for the picture, but you lose a point for making me look at one of your rolls of fat, not that there's anything wrong with that.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this was horrible
Read it again...it will grow on you.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BTW, that's Mrs. Shlongy's hand print.
I can't remember what I did for her to get THAT pissed. It must have been good, though.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this was horrible
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The only part of this I dont believe is that you were 10 in 1970 methuselah.
I can not give a positive rating to your slapped arse, well done on the ultimate forfeit post
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-09-11 20:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"WE are WAITING FOR UFO'S"....